Red Hats

by Damon Wayans

  Alma watched Joy down two shots of Patrόn like a sailor. She didn’t even use the lemon or the salt, just took it to the head, letting out a defiant yell to signify that she was there to let it all hang out.

  “The cougar is on the prowl,” Joy growled.

  The other girls laughed, then took turns downing shots of the firewater.

  “Come on, girls! Let’s find us some of that fresh young meat.”

  The Red Hats picked up a glass of champagne each and hit the dance floor. Alma didn’t partake. She made up her mind to keep Dee company.

  “Oh, my goodness. Joy got herself one,” Dee said, gesturing over Alma’s shoulder.

  Alma turned to see Joy grinding up against a man half her age on the dance floor. The guy sensed her loneliness and began dry-humping her from the back. After a few minutes of this, Joy turned around and kissed him deeply to let him know that tonight she would take it wherever he wanted to go. The young man answered her invitation by lifting her by her ass and spinning her around the crowded dance floor.

  “God bless her heart,” Alma said, shaking her head like a disappointed parent.

  “Poor thing doesn’t know how bad she looks right now,” Dee said.

  “Shoot me if I ever get that desperate. You have my permission. Just take me out of my misery.”

  “To tell you the truth, Alma, I wish someone would pick me up and spin me around like that,” Dee said sadly.

  “He’d have to be really strong to lift that wheelchair,” Alma joked.

  “You are too much.” Dee laughed, dodging her self-pity.

  Alma watched Magdalena slip out of the club and head for the craps tables in the casino. She’s got a serious problem, Alma thought as she poured herself and Dee glasses of lemon water.

  Stacy was on the dance floor, cutting a rug with Kenny. It was so cute to see them having genuine fun together.

  “She raised that young man correctly,” Dee said, pointing.

  Alma thought about her own sons and couldn’t remember them ever dancing together. In fact, they hadn’t gone on a lunch or dinner date since they were children. She fought the jealousy that was coming up with a hopeful thought of a call from James later tonight. Joy found her way back to the table to refresh her drink and to wet the young man’s whistle. She lifted the vodka bottle and poured a healthy stream into her victim’s mouth. Alma shook her head but held her tongue for fear she would look jealous.

  “Hello, baby girl,” the young prey said to Alma after wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt. “What’s your name, Momma?”

  “Momma!” Alma answered directly, cutting his flirt off at the pass.

  “Why you so mean?” he asked.

  “Leave her alone, Charles. She ain’t no fun,” Joy said.

  “Maybe we should bring her back to your place and teach her how to play. You want to play with us?” he asked.

  “Joy, take your disrespectful boy toy away from here before there’s nothing left but his teeth on the dance floor,” Alma threatened. “You know I don’t play.”

  Joy grabbed the vodka bottle and her plaything and led him away from the impending dental-reconstruction work.

  Alma felt better after she got out of the shower. The cigarette smell was gone from her skin and hair. She sat on the bed in her room and reached for the remote control, then noticed that the message light was blinking on her cell phone.

  “Hey, Miss Wonderful, this is your neighborhood stalker checking in on you. I’m sorry you’re not there to talk. It’s late here, and I’m about to get some sleep. I was thinking about you. I’m sure I’ll see you in my dreams again. If you see me in yours, come sit down and talk to me. If you’re not too afraid, give me a kiss, then sit back and let me dream my dream. I miss you. Kisses.” James blew a soft kiss.

  Alma smiled as she stored the message. There was a loud noise from someone being thrown against the wall next door. Alma heard giggling, then another thud.

  “Oh, God! Yes! Yes!” Joy exclaimed.

  Alma turned off her lights and listened to the sounds of Joy getting her groove back. It wasn’t just sex. It was a show. It was wild, uninhibited, loud, wake-up-the-neighborhood sex. Alma knew Joy was putting a little extra on it to let her know it was going down in the other room. It worked. Alma felt jealous. She wondered if James could make her scream like that. It’s been a while, she thought. When it did happen, she was going to wake up the entire planet.

  chapter fifteen

  Alma helped Kenny escort Stacy to their car, while the other Red Hats get Dee and her wheelchair into the van. It was quite comical to see these old women doing heavy lifting. The chair got bumped around several times before it finally made its way safely in.

  “Thank you, ladies,” Alma heard Dee say to the group.

  “Well, it certainly was a pleasure getting to know you, Alma,” Stacy said. “Please take my number, and call me if you ever need a favor. I still have some great connections in some very high places.” She winked as she handed Alma her government-sealed business card.

  “I will,” Alma replied. “Kenny, you keep taking care of her. You only get one mother in this world.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Kenny said as he carefully closed the passenger door. “My mother really likes you,” he whispered. “She doesn’t like too many people, so consider it a compliment, and don’t hesitate to call her if you ever need a favor or a friend. Good-bye, Miss Alma.”

  Alma stepped back as the town car pulled out of the parking lot. Stacy turned to give a little wave good-bye to the girls in the van and then a special smile and wave to Alma.

  “What are we waiting on?” Alma asked as she settled into her seat in the back of the van next to Dee.

  “Joy,” the Red Hats said in unison.

  “She loves to make an entrance,” Magdalena blurted out sarcastically.

  A few minutes later, Joy waltzed out of the Trump arm in arm with the young stud. They tongue-kissed each other sloppily. Joy tucked a few dollars into the palm of his hand. He gave her a final swat on the ass and went back into the casino.

  “I hope y’all haven’t been waiting on me long.” Joy giggled.

  “Long enough,” Magdalena said jealously.

  “Sorry, but Charles and I couldn’t get enough of each other. I’m sure we kept Alma up all night long. Huh, Alma?”

  “You sure did. I hope you used protection. God only knows what these young boys are carrying around these days,” Alma said calmly.

  “Of course I did.”

  “You did? Or he did?”

  Joy sank silently into her seat with a troubled look on her face.

  “Of course she didn’t,” Magdalena said. “Joy is just plain ol’ nasty.”

  “Well, at least I get some use out of mine. Unlike the rest of you old hags in here,” Joy snapped.

  “Ladies, please let’s not ruin a great trip,” Dee interjected.

  “Sorry, Sister Dee. I wasn’t talking about you.”

  “Yes, you were, and it’s OK with me. It’s hard to do it in a wheelchair. Not too many men want to give it to a footless grandmother. I’ll bet that’s not on anybody’s wild-and-crazy-fetish list.”

  The women all laughed.

  “Girl, you are crazy!” Magdalena said, coughing from laughing so hard.

  An hour into the ride home, Magdalena turned to face Alma, who was the only other person awake.

  “Alma, can I borrow a couple hundred dollars from you? I have to pay my rent when I get back,” she whispered.

  “You should have thought about that when you was at the blackjack table.”

  “I did. That’s why I was gambling. My Social Security check didn’t come last month, and I had to dip into my savings to help out a friend.”

  “Sounds like you need to call that friend and tell them you need a friend right now.”

  “Come on, Alma, stop playing.”

  “I’m not playing. I don’t know how you can fix your face to ask me for a handout whe
n you don’t even know me.”

  “You owe me.”

  “How do you figure that?”

  “When you tried to kill your fool self, I was the one who carried your ass down all those steps so you could get some fresh air. None of these other bitches lifted a finger. Except Joy.”

  Alma was stabbed to the heart. She wanted to jump over the seats and strangle Magdalena’s fat neck. Instead, she coolly opened her purse and extracted the two hundred dollars she had planned to gamble with.

  “You saved me, now I’m going to save you. We’re even. That means if you ever bring up something so painful again, I swear, it’s going to be a sad day for the Red Hats.” Alma dropped the money into her lap.

  “I’m sorry, Alma.”

  “You sure are, Magdalena.”

  Alma watched her snatch up the neatly folded money, then turned her attention to the scenic view out the van’s window. She tried to calm her angry mind with images of James, but they kept getting replaced with a replay of the events over the past few days with the Red Hats. Stacy was right, Alma thought. These were just lonely, catty women with more bad than good about them. Except for Joy? Why would Joy help carry her down four flights of stairs and then treat her with such contempt?

  She would tell Sister Dee to remove her from their activities when they returned. Again, she thought of Stacy and her beautiful smile and those mistrusting eyes. Then she felt a smile on her own lips as she remembered the love and affection Kenny showed his mother. Alma fell asleep thinking about Kenny. He turned into her son Jesse for some reason. Jesse was standing in a building with a gun in his hand. It was silver, a .38 snubnose, like the cops in old movies used to have. He kept playing Russian roulette with the gun. Spinning the barrel to make a clicking sound, then lifting the shiny metal life taker to his temple. He looked down from the window and smiled at Alma, then pulled the trigger.

  “No!” she yelled up to him.

  Jesse nodded yes. “It’s your fault, Momma,” he said, before repeating the death wish.

  This happened three times, and then suddenly, a little boy holding a shiny horn appeared next to Alma.

  “What’s he doing?” he asked her innocently.

  “He’s gambling, baby,” she replied, looking down. Then Alma heard the gun go off. Pow! She looked to see Jesse fall to the ground at her feet. The little boy disappeared as Alma went to Jesse’s aid. She held her son as the life force left his body. She ordered her brain to let her wake up. In her mind, she was aware that it was only a dream, but as she woke from what felt like a drug-induced coma, there were tears rolling down her cheeks.

  “Are you all right, Alma?” Dee asked.

  Alma saw that all of the women in the van were staring at her. She wiped the tears from her face. “I’m fine. Had a bad dream, that’s all.”

  The rest of the ride was the longest and most uncomfortable trip of Alma’s life. Boy, she couldn’t wait to get home.

  God, make this bad feeling go away, Alma said in a silent prayer.

  As they pulled up to the brownstone, Alma saw James sitting on his stoop, holding a small bouquet of flowers.

  Thank you, Jesus, Alma thought as she returned James’s wave.

  He waited patiently as the Red Hats said their good-byes. When the last of them had pulled away in the taxi, James made his way over to Alma and Dee.

  “Hello, my sweet,” James said after planting a quick, soft kiss on Alma’s lips. “These are for you.”

  “Thank you,” she said, sniffing the small bouquet of delicate pink and purple carnations, asters, and Monte Cassinos.

  Dee watched them get lost in each other’s gaze for a moment. “If you can pull yourselves away from the forces of nature for just one moment and help me get into the building, I would certainly appreciate it.”

  “I’m sorry, Sister Dee,” James said as he grabbed the handles of the wheelchair and pushed her up the building’s ramp without taking his eyes off Alma’s. They held hands behind Dee as they rode up the tiny elevator. As the door opened, Alma’s heart dropped. Jesse was standing there, sweating like the crack fiend he’d become.

  “Momma? I need help, Momma. Please help me. I just need a few dollars. I know you said to stay away from you, but I’m really doin’ bad right now. Please!” Jesse begged.

  “Boy, if you don’t get your behind out of here this instant, I will hurt you. Do you hear me?”

  “I’m doing bad, Momma. They threw me out of my place because they said I stole some stuff from my neighbor. I didn’t take it, Momma. I didn’t even know he had a flat-screen. They’re lying on me.”

  “You are embarrassing me. Go on, Get out of here! Now, Jesse!” Alma yelled.

  “Where am I supposed to go, huh? You think it’s just that easy? You’re my mother. You’re supposed to take care of me.”

  Jesse slid down the wall and began to cry. Alma did the same, except she stood over him.

  “Do you mind if I talk to him?” James asked.

  “Just tell him to go. I don’t want to see him like that.”

  James nodded. Dee took out her house keys and opened the apartment door. Alma followed her inside.

  James slid down the wall next to Jesse.

  “She hates me!” Jesse cried.

  “No mother hates her child, son.”

  “Why does she treat me like this?”

  “Maybe she’s disappointed by some of the choices you’ve made.”

  “Who are you? Her boyfriend or something?”

  “I’m her man friend. Maybe I can be your friend, too.”

  “Can you loan me some money, friend?”

  “No, but I have a few things you can do around my house to earn a few bucks.”

  “Like what?”

  “Let’s take a walk and talk about it.” James helped Jesse to his feet. “James,” he said, extending his hand. “What’s your name, young man?”

  “Jesse.”

  Alma watched through the peephole as James escorted Jesse into the elevator. She turned to see Dee crying quietly behind her.

  “Pathetic, isn’t it?” Alma said.

  “He needs help, Alma.”

  “He needs God’s help.”

  “That, too. But he really needs drug counseling. I know someone good. She’s a Red Hat. Very discreet.”

  “Dee, please don’t get in my business. I’ll ask for help when I need it,” Alma said as she walked into her bedroom and closed the door.

  James and Alma sat holding hands in silence, staring at the dirty brown river that rippled in front of them. She’d agreed to take a cab ride with him to what he had named their spot by the water. The place they kissed for the first time. As Alma leaned against his shoulder, she wished that he would kiss her to take the burning thoughts of failure out of her mind.

  “What did he say to you?” she asked.

  “I can’t tell you what he said.”

  “Why not? He’s my son.”

  “If I did, he would never trust me again, and then the dysfunction could only continue. What I can offer you both is a different perspective.”

  Alma lifted her head from his shoulder and squinted her eyes at him.

  “Why are you looking at me like that? I’m just trying to be a friend to both of you.”

  She softened her glare as she saw the truth of his intentions in his eyes. “I don’t know what to do. He needs to get his life together.”

  James was silent. Alma watched his mind drift to a sad place. “Did you check out on me?” she asked.

  “I’m sorry. I was thinking about my oldest brother who passed away years ago. He was a heroin addict and the shame of my parents. Used to come by the neighborhood and get harassed by the kids who threw rocks and bottles at him while he nodded out on the corners. They didn’t know that he was my hero. They didn’t care that he was an amazing mathematician. He could break down quantum physics so that a second-grader could understand it. He was a brilliant man in so many ways, but he had a broken heart that
he tried to fix with drugs. I always thought it was just a phase he was going through and that his intelligence would overrule his addiction. I believed in my soul of souls that he would wake up one day and say, ‘OK, let me get it together.’ So I didn’t do anything to help him. That’s my greatest regret in life. I didn’t do anything. I left it to him to fix him. What I learned is that people can’t do it alone. We need the love and support of those who say they love and support us.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “I don’t want to understand. That takes too long. I want to help, because I like seeing you happy. That makes me happy, so I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. Life’s problems are simple to fix. We complicate them with our own insecurities and fears. If you let me, I will help you through this.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  James kissed her forehead, then wrapped his arms around her as she melted into his chest.

  chapter sixteen

  Several weeks later, Alma found herself in a foul mood. The thought of Jesse showing up at Dee’s house was so devastatingly embarrassing, especially with James at her side. Alma used her negative energy to clean up the house. Thus far, the floors were washed and polished with liquid wax, the chandelier in the entryway was dusted, the bathroom was so clean you could perform surgery in it, and all of the antiques were sparkling after being dipped in Tarn-X. She wished the place were bigger, wanting to do more cleaning. She thought about emptying the closets and rearranging the contents but dismissed that, thinking Dee would probably feel she was snooping. That’s what she would have concluded, so she let them be.

  “Who does he think he is?” Alma said out loud to no one.

  Dee had been picked up by Kelly and her grandchild to go have a play date at the amusement center by the piers. Alma declined to tag along, saying that it was better for them to have some quality time as family. Alma also knew that Kelly was definitely not a fan of hers, being as this was the second time Alma had threatened her life to get this play date on the books.