Gina and Paul (Last Chance Program Book 2)

by Malone, Misty

  “Wow, that puts things in a whole different perspective.”

  “Yes, it does, but it’s more accurate. If you look at this next part of your life as nothing but work, and a drudge, that’s what it will be. But it should be more like an adventure, with new, fun things around every corner.”

  “But there’s still all the changes I have to make first.”

  “You have a few issues to work on, but it’s not like you’re a terrible person and you’re trying to turn your life upside down.”

  She looked up at him with sad eyes that made him want to take her in his arms. “Yes, it is. You saw that list of things my grandfather was ashamed of me for.”

  Paul’s stern voice was back instantly. “Whoa, stop right there, young lady. He never said he was ashamed of you. He said he was concerned. There’s a big difference.”

  “Is there, or was he just too polite to use the word ashamed?”

  “No, there is a big difference. You don’t have as much to work on as you seem to think. Your grandfather thought you are a wonderful person, but you have some misplaced thoughts. He said he wasn’t sure where exactly those misplaced thoughts came from, but he wondered whether it had something to do with the fact that you never had to do anything you didn’t want to do. In your mind that put you above everyone else.”

  “He might be right. I did think I was better than most people, and I never even questioned it. Until now.”

  “You never had reason to question it. But now you do. Now you know he was very concerned about some of your habits. He was so concerned, he did all he could to assure you would do our program. The thing is, Gina, I think he’s right.”

  She turned to face him, concern on her face.

  “The more I get to know you, the more I agree, you are a wonderful person. I think, too, you have some habits that need changed, but the more I’m hearing you talk, the more I think he hit the nail on the head. You’re not a bad person at all; you just have some ideas that you need to look into. Once you do that, like we did yesterday, I believe your thoughts will be straightened out and this program will be much quicker and easier than I originally thought.”

  That statement got her attention, and she looked over at him. “Seriously?”

  “Absolutely. The more I get to know you, the more I see a wonderful person inside of you, and now it’s starting to emerge. I think that’s the person your grandfather saw, and the person he loved. I don’t think that person is buried as deep inside you as I originally thought. I think you have some misplaced thoughts, and much like yesterday, once we explore those and you see they may be misplaced, I think you have other feelings that will change, as well, and the real you will keep pushing closer and closer to the surface.”

  “You really don’t think it will be as hard to change, to work on all of my grandfather’s concerns, as it seems?”

  “I really don’t. I think if you explore your feelings, I think you’ll discover some things that will surprise you, and a lot of things will start falling into place pretty effortlessly.”

  “So you’re coming back to my not wanting to talk. You think I should be anxious to talk to you?”

  “Not until you’re ready. If you feel unsure about any of your other feelings about things we’ve talked about, don’t rush things. Let me ask you something, though. We’ve done quite a bit of talking the last couple days. Do you feel better, or has that talking upset you?”

  “No, I feel good,” she answered quickly. “Well, up until last night. In general, though, I never wanted to talk about my feelings, and I’m still not thrilled with the idea, but I have to say that I feel better after talking with you. That’s why I was anxious to talk to you again this morning. But going forward after this, I admit I was hesitant. I was afraid you’d be tearing me down every time I said something, and then I’d have even more things I’d have to work on.”

  “I haven’t criticized your thinking, Gina. I haven’t had any reason to. You were misinformed about some things, but you were honest enough with yourself to keep an open mind, and we’re starting to sort those feelings out now.”

  “What you said made sense. I could see it was true, especially after meeting Helen and Noelle.”

  “I’m glad you’ve felt better. I think it’s going to continue like that, but I’m not going to force you. Right now I think there’s something that’s been bothering you since before you got sick, and I’d like to help you sort those feelings out, but I won’t force you. You tell me when you’re ready to talk, and we will.”

  “But I won’t finish the program until I do,” she said, as much to herself as to him. He didn’t agree, but didn’t deny it, either. He wanted her to be ready to work on it.

  She was quiet, and he allowed it. After thinking for several minutes, she looked over at him. “Okay, I guess I do want to talk.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m afraid to, but the longer I think about it, the more upset I’m getting with myself, so yes, I guess I want you to help me sort out these feelings that keep changing.”

  “I’ll try to help you. What feelings keep changing?”

  “This is about something you said earlier, before I got sick and we quit for a few days.”

  “What did I say?”

  “You said that part of growing up is learning that sometimes you have to follow rules, whether you like it or not.”

  “I thought that’s what’s been bothering you. What about that premise is giving you trouble?”

  “This sounds terrible, but let me try to explain it. I understand there are rules, and I’m seeing now that sometimes you have to follow those rules. But the rules themselves don’t bother me as much as that I can’t control it.”

  Paul was nodding his head while she was talking. “I think I understand what you’re saying. In fact, I suspected that.”

  “Why? What made you think that?”

  “A few things. The first thing that made me wonder is the problem you have with your spankings.”

  “The problem I have with them is that they hurt, a lot.”

  “I know they do, but that’s not the only problem you have with them. It really bothers you that you don’t have control. You struggle more than most, but not with the pain. What bothers you even more is that you’re forced to give up control. You fight to keep control as long as you can. I think that’s also the reason that other than the spanking you got last night, which was totally different from any others you’ve had, you have yet to have a normal spanking.”

  Gina frowned and her hands were immediately on her hips. “What exactly does that mean?”

  “Hey, hey, watch the attitude here. I’m trying to help you understand this. I’m not judging you at all, so don’t get so upset with me, and hear me out. Last night’s spanking was totally different, so take it out and don’t think about it right now.”

  “Wait. Why was that one so different?”

  “Because that one was because you were overwhelmed and exhausted. You were too tired to fight me much, and you were overwhelmed and needed a spanking to get you settled down enough to go to sleep.”

  “You sound like you knew that at the time.”

  “I did. That’s why I didn’t spank you as hard last night.”

  “What do you mean? It still hurt.”

  “I didn’t spank you nearly as hard or as long last night. Are you sore this morning?”

  She looked surprised, but she reached back and rubbed her bottom as she shook her head. “No, I’m not.”

  “Not even a little bit, huh?”

  “No. Why not? I’m always sore for a good little while afterwards.”

  “That’s so that you’ll remember it. Last night you didn’t need to be punished as much as you needed to be able to settle down so you could sleep. You were exhausted, but you had too much going through your mind to shut it down enough to sleep. A spanking will do that. It takes front and center in your mind, wipes everything else out, which is exactly what you need
ed. Once your mind was free of all the other things you’d been thinking about yesterday, look how well you slept.”

  She was stunned, he could tell by the look on her face, but she didn’t disagree or argue. “Okay. So back to what you were saying, about every other spanking?”

  “Every other time you’ve earned a spanking, you panic. That panic is what causes you to turn a relatively simple spanking into something much worse, by adding more things that need to be addressed during the spanking, usually swearing and your temper. The panic in my opinion is not so much from the fear of the pain, but more from knowing you’re going to be forced to give up control. I think that thought terrifies you. Am I right about that; does that thought scare you?”

  She glared at him, and he knew right then he’d hit on the real problem. He met her eyes and held them, not giving a bit. When he saw her rage build, he raised an eyebrow in warning. Luckily, she took his warning this time and dropped her eyes. “Yes, it horrifies me.”

  “Then let’s talk about it. What exactly horrifies you; is it when I take control of the situation and you actually lose your control, or is it the mere thought of losing control?”

  “I’m not sure. The first time you spanked me it shocked me. It hurt, yes, but you’re right, that was secondary to the fact that for the first time I can remember, I couldn’t control the situation. I tried. I mean, I really tried.”

  “Yes, you did,” Paul confirmed.

  “I expected you to stop when I demanded it.”

  “Why?”

  “Why did I expect it? Because in the past, anytime I demanded something, I got it. So I fully expected it again. When it didn’t happen, I didn’t know what to do.”

  “So you panicked.”

  “Yes. There wasn’t anything else I could do. I’d always been able to do something to take control of the situation.”

  “What have you done in the past to maintain control?”

  “Well, like if Mom said I couldn’t go somewhere, I’d go talk to Dad, and he’d let me go.”

  “So you maintained control?”

  “Yes. I dated a guy in college, and if I ever felt like I was losing control with him, all I had to do was cry. He always gave in and we did it my way.”

  “What else have you done to make sure you maintained control?”

  “Threatening worked a lot. I went to private schools, and a couple times I told a teacher I turned an assignment in, and if he lost it it wasn’t my fault. I told him if he gave me a bad grade I’d tell my parents I didn’t want to go there any more and transfer out.”

  Paul’s eyes widened. “And that worked?”

  “For a private school, sure. They don’t want to lose students. Every time they lose a student they lose income.”

  “And you tried threatening me during your first spanking.”

  “I did. But it didn’t work. Nothing worked, and for the first time I found myself not in control of the situation.”

  “And that was horrifying.”

  “It was. Then every time you told me I was going to be spanked again, that’s the first thing I thought of, is it’s going to happen again, and I can’t do anything to control this awful situation.”

  “And you panicked again.”

  “Yes.”

  Paul could tell she was about to lose her battle with tears, and took both of her hands in his. “I can tell this is hard for you to talk about, but I don’t want you to be afraid of tears. This is a big item and it’s bound to be an emotional item, as well. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide your emotions. When you’re trying to sort through feelings you have, your emotions can often help. Like I said before, they don’t lie. Emotions are very genuine, so listen to what they’re telling you.”

  She nodded. He patted her hand, but let go of it. “Let me start off asking you an easier question. Is the idea of following rules difficult for you?”

  “Not especially, no. I mean, I know some rules are to keep you safe or whatever, so I don’t really have much of a problem with the concept of following rules in general.”

  “It’s just the idea that if you’re following someone else’s rules you’re in essence giving up control of the situation? Am I saying that right?”

  “Yeah, pretty much. If I’m following rules, it’s more that I’m voluntarily surrendering control for a determined amount of time. But when you took control you just took it. I had nothing to say about it. That spanking could have gone on forever, basically, because even though I tried, I couldn’t do anything to get even one little bit of control. I hated that.”

  “Okay, I understand what you’re saying. Now let me ask you about how you felt afterward. When it was over, and you were sitting in my lap, leaning against my chest—I want a quick answer here—how did you feel?”

  “Content.”

  “Content? That sounds to me like a good feeling. Was it?”

  “It was.” Tears formed in her eyes again and she looked down.

  Paul gently pulled her in against his chest. “Remember, Gina, let your emotions speak. Don’t try to stop them.”

  That was all she needed for the tears to burst forth. She allowed him to wrap his arms around her, and she leaned against his chest, finding solace. At that moment, a lot of things fit into place in Paul’s head. He watched her as she leaned against him, and he was pretty sure he understood why this was so upsetting to her. He tightened his arms around her just a bit and leaned down and kissed the top of her head. He was pretty sure he knew now what her problem was. Now if he just had some idea as to how to help her.

  Paul held her in his arms while she cried, rubbing her back. When she was calming, gaining control again, he pulled her back enough to talk to her. “Gina, quick answer again. Were you feeling that content feeling again just now?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.”

  “But what does that mean?”

  “Let’s get some coffee, and then sit back down on the couch and get comfortable. I’ll try to explain what I think is happening, but it may take a few minutes, and I want you to be able to follow what I’m saying.”

  “Okay. I’ll get us some coffee.”

  “I’ll help you.”

  They went to the kitchen and made a new pot of coffee and took it back to the living room. Once they both sat back, and turned to face each other, he took one of her hands in his. “Don’t be afraid to stop me if you don’t follow what I’m saying.”

  “Okay.”

  “And don’t get upset and have a problem with your temper before hearing me out, okay?”

  “You think I’m going to get upset about what you’re about to say?”

  “I honestly don’t know. I hope not, but even if it does upset you a bit at first, I want you to stay calm and hear me out.”

  “Okay, I’ll try.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Gina, your grandfather said he wasn’t quite sure what was going on in your head, but he knew you were a better person than most people see. He said he was so proud as he watched you grow up to be a beautiful young lady, inside and out. But then he said you changed when you went to high school. He didn’t know if it was the peer pressure put on teenagers these days, or he had a hunch it had something to do with the girls you hung around with, but he said you started changing. According to him, you started thinking more about you and less about others. He noted that this was about the same time you started purposely, or openly using your father to help you accomplish what you wanted.”

  She was listening to what he said, but he couldn’t tell what she was thinking. At least she didn’t seem angry, so he continued. “It bothered him because he said you were a much better person than what most people saw. He says that’s when you started changing, and that upset him, mainly because you don’t seem as happy now as you used to be. That’s what prompted him to seek out our program, because you weren’t happy.”

  “Just what I finally admitted yesterday,” she said with sadness in her voice. “H
e saw it back then.”

  “He did. He wanted you to be as happy as you used to be, and he felt that you lost that about the same time you started caring more about yourself.”

  “So he’s saying I became selfish?”

  “To be honest, I’m just working off of notes Mr. Jenkins made when he met with your grandfather. I didn’t get the impression he was saying selfish, as much as self-centered. In your mind the world revolved around you.”

  “That sounds terrible.”

  He chuckled a little. “That’s funny only because I think maybe your subconscious felt that way, as well.”

  “My conscious?”

  “If you became self-centered, and in your heart you knew that wasn’t a good thing, it would make sense that you wouldn’t be happy. Guilt is a strong emotion, and if your subconscious was feeling guilty, it could definitely change you, besides causing some unhappiness. Are you following me so far?”

  “I think I follow what you’re saying. I’m not sure I feel that way, but I do follow what you’re saying. I’ve learned to keep an open mind, though, because you’ve been right about other things.”

  “Thank you. While you have that open mind, let me come right out and suggest something. Is it possible that you did change; maybe from the kids you were going to school with, or peer pressure, or whatever reason? In your heart you knew it wasn’t a good change, but you persisted, which brought on guilt, and unhappiness. Throughout this whole time, you were always able to remain in control, which means you never had any consequences of any kind for any of the things that in your heart you knew were wrong. Then I came along. All of a sudden you had consequences, and there wasn’t a thing you could do to stop it. In other words, you were no longer in control.”