Growing Up Duggar: It's All About Relationships

by Duggar, Jill

  It finally dawned on me one day that the key was for me to take responsibility in initiating the conversation—and that it was my responsibility to respond honestly to their questions when they tried to have a heart-to-heart talk.

  Instead of giving superficial answers to their questions, I attempted to be more thorough and open with my answers. But the change was hard. While I really wanted to be honest, I also didn’t want to “bother” them with everything, so I still held back some stuff.

  That meant those issues built up and up and up until, and by the time I finally decided to open up to my parents, I felt almost like I was in a “crisis situation”! I would be so stressed that I couldn’t get my thoughts into words, and then I would begin to worry:

  What are my parents going to think about me if I share this with them?

  What will others think if they find out?

  Would I be better off not saying anything?

  My parents reassured me that nothing I would ever say or do could change their love for me. Their love is unconditional. They also encouraged me to try to get everything off my heart. Mom compared it to getting a splinter in your foot. Unless you get all of it out, it will continue to cause you pain and can even become infected. Removing a splinter may be somewhat painful at first, but that is the only way to get long-term relief and bring healing.

  I finally shared a small thing, just to see how they would react. Then a little more and a little more until it all came pouring out in a rush of sobs and jumbled-up phrases. After I shared, I felt so free inside, almost like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. This was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but it brought peace and strengthened my relationship with my parents. All of those fears that had held me back from talking had almost kept me from experiencing one of the most wonderful feelings in the world—a clear conscience.

  All of us girls have realized that if we end up crying when we’re talking to Mom and Dad (and Jill and Jinger are now the most likely to cry), it’s usually because we’ve waited too long to share the concerns of our hearts.

  After several heart-to-heart meltdowns, I (Jessa) have gotten better at opening up and talking about things that trouble me with Mom and Dad before the problems build up. That’s not to say it’s always easy, but the blessings and sense of freedom that come with being completely open and honest are wonderful. It means we feel understood by our parents, inside and out, and we know without a doubt that they accept us and love us unconditionally.

  It’s a sign of increasing maturity when a young person begins to develop these communication skills. Being open can spare us many troubles later on, as so many issues in adult life are a direct result of miscommunication or noncommunication.

  IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

  HERE ARE SOME SUGGESTIONS for how you can improve your communication—and your relationship—with your parents.

  If you visit our house, you might find yourself in the middle of a foursquare game the minute you walk in the front door!

  Spend Time Together

  SURE, YOU MAY LIVE in the same house, but how much time do you actually spend enjoying each other? If that sounds strange to you, we encourage you to give it a try. Even if you feel your relationship with your parents is strained, try just hanging out with them and watch for opportunities to start up a conversation.

  In many homes, conversation flows easily around the kitchen table or across the kitchen counter as someone is cooking or preparing a meal. Ask your parents questions about their childhood and growing-up years. Share something funny that one of your friends or little siblings said. Find something to chat about, even if it’s the weather. Small talk can help to keep your relationship healthy and create a foundation for discussing deeper issues.

  Express Gratefulness

  AS A FAMILY, WE resolve to weed out daily those attitudes of ungratefulness that sneak in and bring with them an air of discontent. For instance, around our house we are not allowed to say, “I’m bored.” It is an expression of ungratefulness with a person’s surroundings and a complaining attitude with the idea that one must be constantly doing something fun or entertaining in order to be happy.

  Now, we must admit that there have been times when one of us dared to utter those taboo words, but Mom quickly cured us of our “boredom” with her nonchalant reply, “Well, if you can’t think of anything to do, I certainly can!” and then she would put us to work! If we as sons and daughters take on a selfish “me-centered” attitude in life, we may begin to feel that our parents owe it to us to provide us with all the latest toys and gadgets, cute cars, and a fancy house. But the Bible says, “And having food and raiment, let us be therewith content” (1 Timothy 6:8). This means we should be content with the most basic necessities of life, and that anything beyond that is an extra bonus, not something we deserve or require.

  Another thing that expresses ungratefulness is complaining about rules or family guidelines. It never does any good to throw a fit like a two-year-old! If there is something we really want to do but Mom and Dad don’t agree, it’s helpful to try to see things from their point of view. Our parents encourage us to talk to them and make a “wise appeal” (more about this later) if we feel something should be changed or done differently.

  Parents work hard to provide for their family’s needs and even some of the “wants.” We need to constantly let them know we appreciate what they do, whether it’s cooking supper, hosting a birthday party, paying for music lessons—or helping to put us through college! All of us, including parents, like to have our work and sacrifices acknowledged. We can really brighten a parent’s day with a hug, a note of gratefulness, or a meaningful word of encouragement and appreciation.

  Be a Blessing

  DO YOUR PART. ACTUALLY look for ways to bless others. Help out around the house and watch for opportunities to do little jobs, like washing the dishes, taking out the trash, cleaning, organizing, or folding the laundry without being asked. Do your best to get along with your brothers and sisters so your home is a place of peace and joy where everyone feels safe and protected.

  THE OBEDIENCE GAME

  DUGGAR KIDS GROW UP playing the Obedience Game. It’s sort of like Mother May I? except it has a few extra twists—and there’s no need to double-check with “Mother” because she (or Dad) is the one giving the orders.

  It’s one way Mom and Dad help the little kids in the family burn off extra energy some nights before we all put on our pajamas and gather for Bible time (more about that in chapter 8). To play the Obedience Game, the little kids all gather in the living room. After listening carefully to Mom’s or Dad’s instructions, they respond with “Yes, ma’am, I’d be happy to!” then run and quickly accomplish the tasks.

  For example, Mom might say, “Jennifer, go upstairs to the girls’ room, touch the foot of your bed, then come back downstairs and give Mom a high-five.” Jennifer answers with an energetic “Yes, ma’am, I’d be happy to!” and off she goes.

  Dad might say, “Johannah, run around the kitchen table three times, then touch the front doorknob and come back.” As Johannah stands up she says, “Yes, sir, I’d be happy to!”

  “Jackson, go touch the front door, then touch the back door, then touch the side door, and then come back.” Jackson, who loves to play army, stands at attention, then salutes and replies, “Yes, sir, I’d be happy to!” as he goes to complete his assignment at lightning speed.

  Sometimes spotters are sent along with the game player to make sure the directions are followed exactly. And of course, the faster the orders can be followed, the more applause the contestant gets when he or she slides back into the living room, out of breath and pleased with himself or herself for having complied flawlessly. All the younger Duggar kids love to play this game; it’s a way to make practicing obedience fun!

  THE FOUR POINTS OF OBEDIENCE

  THE GAME’S RULES (MADE up by our family) stem from our study of the four points of obedience, which Mom taught us when we were
young. As a matter of fact, as we are writing this book she is currently teaching these points to our youngest siblings. Obedience must be:

  1. Instant. We answer with an immediate, prompt “Yes ma’am!” or “Yes sir!” as we set out to obey. (This response is important to let the authority know you heard what he or she asked you to do and that you are going to get it done as soon as possible.) Delayed obedience is really disobedience.

  2. Cheerful. No grumbling or complaining. Instead, we respond with a cheerful “I’d be happy to!”

  3. Thorough. We do our best, complete the task as explained, and leave nothing out. No lazy shortcuts!

  4. Unconditional. No excuses. No, “That’s not my job!” or “Can’t someone else do it? or “But . . .”

  THE HIDDEN GOAL WITH this fun, fast-paced game is that kids won’t need to be told more than once to do something.

  Mom would explain the deeper reason behind why she and Daddy desired for us to learn obedience. “Mom and Daddy won’t always be with you, but God will,” she says. “As we teach you to hear and obey our voice now, our prayer is that ultimately you will learn to hear and obey what God’s tells you to do through His Word.”

  In many families it seems that many of the goals of child training have been lost. Parents often expect their children to know what they should say and do, and then they’re shocked and react harshly when their sweet little two-year-old throws a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. This parental attitude probably stems from the belief that we are all born basically good deep down inside, but the truth is, we are all born with a sin nature. Think about it: You don’t have to teach a child to hit, scream, whine, disobey, or be selfish. It comes naturally. The Bible says that parents are to “train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

  It’s a parent’s responsibility to train their children to behave with good character when they are young so that, by God’s grace, as they continue to grow and mature, they will one day be loving, caring, and responsible adults. And while training in the middle of a misbehavior is always necessary, Mom has found that many of these situations can be avoided by training kids how to respond to a situation before it arises. Maybe you could call it preventive parenting.

  For instance, during hot summer days growing up, Mom would occasionally let all of us have a Popsicle as a special treat. While we were picking out our favorite flavor, she would say, “After we’re done with our Popsicles, what are we going to do with the wrapper and sticks? That’s right. They go in the trash can—not in the yard.”

  Now, that’s not to say we never dropped our Popsicle wrappers outside somewhere, but hearing that many times beforehand helped us remember—and saved Mom from having to correct us afterward.

  It helps so much to have goals to aim for and learn the right responses to different situations. From the time we were young, as part of our homeschooling we would study a different character quality every month, memorizing its definition together as a family. A full list of all forty-nine character qualities, published by the Institute in Basic Life Principles, can be found on our website (www.duggarfamily.com), but we would like to list a few here:

  • Obedience is the freedom to be creative under God-given authority.

  • Generosity is realizing that all I have belongs to God and using it for His purposes.

  • Freedom is not the right to do what I want but the power to do what I ought.

  • Self-control is instant obedience to the initial prompting of God’s Spirit.

  • Kindness is seeing needs in the lives of others as opportunities to demonstrate my love for Christ.

  Once we had recited the character quality definition of the week a few times, each one of us would write it out on a sheet of paper and decorate it with stickers and markers. Then we would post our decorative youthful artwork around the house. Mom always made learning fun!

  As our family has memorized these and many other powerful definitions, we have gained a deeper understanding of what these words really mean.

  A WISE APPEAL

  NOW, WE ALL ACKNOWLEDGE that nobody’s perfect, and that includes parents. Sometimes parents may ask you to do something or go somewhere when they’re not fully aware of the details or how the request will affect you. When this happens in the Duggar family, our parents encourage us kids to make what we call a “wise appeal.” It means we are expected to respectfully remind our parents of information they have forgotten or may not know, or things that are going on that might interfere with our carrying out their request. The key word here is respectfully. Sometimes this may include asking if it is okay to approach the project from a different angle—using a creative alternative, as long as it accomplishes the same ultimate goal (see Daniel 1).

  When an authority asks us to do something, we should try to see from the authority’s perspective, how and why he or she wants it done. If we feel we cannot follow through because the time frame is too short or we find it’s unsafe or there are other obstacles hindering it from being accomplished, then it’s time for a wise appeal.

  Don’t just ignore what the person in authority is asking. It is a poor representation of your character when you just avoid doing the requested job or activity altogether without attempting to make an appeal and explain why. Like Daniel in the Bible, who came up with an innovative alternative when he was asked to do something he knew was wrong, we must also formulate a creative alternative to present to the person in authority when needed. Don’t argue in pride and try to convince the authority you have a better idea; instead, humbly make your case to the one in charge.

  For example, if Mom asked Josiah to mow the lawn, he would ordinarily have no problem doing that. But maybe he already had plans to help Dad with a remodeling project at one of our rental properties. In that case, it’s Josiah’s responsibility to make a wise appeal by saying, “I would be glad to mow the lawn, but Dad and some of the others are in the middle of a tiling project and could use some extra help. Would it be okay if I did it later, or would you want to ask one of the other kids to do it?” More than likely she would agree that Dad could use Josiah’s help with the tiling, and she would have Joy or someone else mow the lawn.

  Jessa and Jinger express their love for each other through this big hug!

  A wise appeal starts by making sure our attitude is right. If we’re in the middle of a really good book and don’t want to leave it, that’s not a good enough reason not to help Mom when she asks us to do something. Appeals should not be made merely as an attempt to get out of doing work. On the other hand, if we’ve set up a time to mentor a younger friend and she is due to arrive in fifteen minutes, we might say, “Mom, I would be happy to help you, but Jamie’s coming over at three for our mentoring time. Would it be okay if I did it later?”

  Remember to always show respect to those in authority, even when you can’t comply with what they want you to do. If you simply say, “Nope, I’m not gonna do that,” you may end up getting in trouble because of your stubborn attitude as much as because you’re refusing to do what’s asked of you.

  If you mouth off and say, “Mom, you know I can’t go to the store now! Jamie’s coming at three,” your words and tone portray a condemning attitude that’s far from respectful.

  Mom and Jessa flash confident smiles before heading out on the skydiving airplane and parachuting from 12,800 feet.

  While some kids tend to take that approach and fire back a reason why they can’t do something, others may say, “Sure, I’ll do it,” just to get their parent off their case. Maybe they really do plan to do it eventually, just not right now. Parents don’t appreciate this, either, and you can be sure they will be disappointed later to hear “Oh, I forgot,” or to hear you recite a long list of excuses why you didn’t get it done. In the future this makes it hard for them to trust you and believe you will follow through with what you say you’ll do. It is better to make a wise appeal if you honestly think you cannot
do it right away.

  Wise appeals are also necessary if, halfway through the task, you encounter some legitimate roadblock that hinders you from finishing the project. For instance, if the mower runs out of fuel, go back and report why you are unable to complete the mission. If you just think, Well, that’s that, and quit, leaving the job half done, you can expect that when your parent comes to check up on the project, he or she won’t be very pleased.

  A wise appeal makes a parent, teacher, boss, or anyone else in authority happy because he or she appreciates your respectful attitude, even when you’re asking to be excused from what you’re being asked to do. This also applies if someone should ask us (we hope unintentionally) to do something dangerous or morally wrong. Even then, it’s important to be humble, loving, respectful, and yet bold, as we state our reasons for not complying.

  PARENTS STRUGGLE, TOO

  WE’VE EXPLAINED THAT OUR parents encourage us to share our hearts with them, including our struggles. But it may surprise you to learn that they also open up their hearts to us in some ways. They don’t go into unnecessary detail, but they aren’t afraid to tell us their faults, and they want us to learn from their past mistakes and failures.

  Dad has also asked us kids to please bring it to his attention if we see him raising his voice or talking with sharp words. Not that he has a major anger problem, but like everyone who lives and breathes, he’s experienced anger at one time or another. Dad has told us that his own father was prone to angry outbursts. He has shared with us how hurtful and frightening his father’s angry outbursts could be. As a result, Dad committed early on to try to control his temper and spare his family from the anger that had caused him such discomfort as a boy.