Growing Up Duggar: It's All About Relationships

by Duggar, Jill

  That’s not to say Dad never gets angry. But he doesn’t express it in angry rants. When he’s upset about something one of us kids has done (or about something thoughtless or mean that someone has done), he handles the situation directly—but calmly. If the culprit is one of the kids, he or Mom will take that one aside and speak to him or her quietly and respectfully. If a consequence is in order, it’s handed down the same way—privately, calmly, and respectfully. Mom and Dad have made it a practice to praise in public, correct in private.

  Years ago, Dad heard a man speak about his struggle with anger and how God had given him a creative way to handle it. Dad decided right then to implement the same strategy into his own life. That’s when he told all of us kids if we ever sense that he’s getting worked up about something, we have his permission to touch his arm gently and quietly say, “Daddy, I think you’re getting angry.”

  It isn’t that Dad doesn’t know he’s upset about something. Instead, the little hand on his arm reminds him how important it is for his family’s well-being that he keep control of his temper. He told us to do that because he knows that words can come pouring out in anger that can’t be taken back and can cause emotional scars even after apologies are given. These days, it seems like it rarely happens because Dad has really made it a point to keep his temper in check, and we all agree he has done a great job!

  Some girls have confided in me (Jana) that they sometimes fear their dads because they have exploded into a rage, throwing things, slamming doors, even hitting or pushing their wives. They would probably shrug at examples of how our dad has expressed his anger in the past. But dad has felt bad about these situations and has quickly apologized. Over the years he has gotten much better about not letting things stir up a spirit of anger in him, but he would be the first to say he has not completely conquered it.

  For example, one day not too long ago, Dad asked those of us who were working inside to clean the house before company arrived while he and a few of the other kids cleaned up outside. When he came in an hour or so later, the house was still a mess—and may have even looked worse than when Dad and the others went outside. The Duggars in charge of cleaning the living room and kitchen and emptying the downstairs trash cans had not done their jobs. Dad walked in the door, took one look at the house, and said loudly and sternly in an angry tone, “Guys, I asked you to clean this place up more than an hour ago, and look at it: it looks like a tornado has hit!”

  Were those children (who shall remain nameless) wrong when they didn’t do what Dad asked? Yes. Did they get in trouble for not carrying out their responsibilities? Yes.

  But at the same time, Dad knew he had reacted with an attitude of anger, and that wasn’t the behavior he wanted his children to imitate.

  Later that evening he called all of us kids together to apologize. He said, “The situation wasn’t as important as my wrong response. I reacted with anger, and I want to ask you all, Will you please forgive me?”

  Did that make Dad look weak? Absolutely not! One lesson we Duggars are emphatically taught is that humility is not weakness. In fact, it can be just the opposite. It takes a strong man to recognize his own faults and apologize to his wife and children for them. Dad’s humility—not only that day but every day—causes us to respect and admire him even more.

  Dad’s example to make things right has encouraged us to examine our own reactions to others and to take action when we need to admit we have done something wrong.

  Mom, on the other hand, has a rather unique way of handling anger—even though she rarely gets angry. But when she does, she lowers her voice to a gentle whisper. That’s right. No yelling. God convicted her of this early in her parenting as she realized the truth of Proverbs 15:1, which says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.”

  When Mom gets upset with one of us, she will take that child aside, get down to his or her eye level, and in a soft voice, almost whisper her words: “Josie, you may not dump your bowl of cereal on the table and smear it everywhere!” or “Jordyn, don’t ever climb up on the outside of the staircase! That is very dangerous. You could fall off and hurt yourself!”

  The long and short of it is, when Mom whispers, most likely someone’s in trouble.

  In contrast to Mom’s quiet way of handling anger, I’ve seen the effects of out-of-control anger firsthand. The number-one painful thing girls talk about at the Journey to the Heart girls retreat—a ministry I am involved with—and almost always through tears and heartache, is anger in the home.

  Mom is not only our mother but also our role model, teacher, and mentor. She’s also someone we like to have fun with, including dressing up for a women’s event that asked everyone to wear a fancy (and funny) hat.

  Anger can cause lifelong damage to anyone, but especially to children. It can break apart families, destroy marriages, kill friendships, and even end careers. Dad has told us many stories of people who have gotten angry and lost control of themselves, as well as the consequences that followed. One employee at the grocery store where Dad used to work got mad at the boss for getting on to him, so he punched the boss with his fist! As you could guess, that was the end of his job.

  Another young man my dad knew got angry with another driver in a road rage incident. They both ended up stopping at the side of the road and yelling at each other. One young man got so angry that he put his car in gear and rammed into the other guy. That day both young men’s lives changed forever; one died, and the other ended up going to prison.

  We know our parents aren’t perfect—they are the first ones to admit this. But they have worked hard to teach us biblical principles and how they play out in our lives, and we are so thankful for the influence they are in our lives!

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  YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SIBLINGS

  Becoming best friends

  Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

  —Psalms 133:1

  IT’S NOT ALWAYS EASY getting along with eighteen siblings. After all, with this many kids in the family we have just about every personality type possible. Some of us are easygoing, laid-back types, and others are constantly moving go-getters. Duggar kids range from outdoorsy types to computer geeks, animal lovers to bookworms. When one of us is sick or feeling discouraged about something, we can count on some siblings offering compassionate sympathy while others may share a pat on the back and say something like “Come on, you’ll probably feel better if you get up. Let’s go outside and play!”

  With such a diverse assortment of personalities, interests, strengths, and weaknesses, siblings provide the perfect environment for relationship training. It might just be true that if you can learn to get along with your siblings, you can learn to get along with just about anybody!

  Maybe if you have a sibling or two—or ten—you understand. And if you’re an only child and don’t have any siblings at all, maybe some of the stories we share in this chapter will give you ideas about how to relate more securely and pleasantly to other family members—and keep your friendships strong, too.

  Duggar kids are just like human beings everywhere. We have faults and shortcomings that include the ability to irritate or mistreat others, especially our siblings. And also like most human beings, we have the natural tendency to overreact or to react inappropriately when someone, especially a sibling, misbehaves or treats us unfairly.

  With a family as big as ours, the result could be a home that’s a constant battleground of hot-tempered yelling, accusations, denials, hitting, name-calling, and general chaos. Instead, our parents work hard to make our house a peaceful, fun, comfortable, love-filled place where everyone is treated with patience and respect.

  But that doesn’t mean conflicts never occur.

  Consider the time, about ten years ago, when there were “only” fourteen Duggar children, most of us still under the age of fifteen, and Dad bought some used lockers at an auction. We were so excited to have someplace t
o store all of our own personal treasures—like our private stockpiles of candy, for instance.

  But then Jill opened her locker one day, looking forward to a sweet treat, and all she found was empty wrappers. Someone had stolen her candy!

  “Who got into my locker?” she asked the rest of us.

  Nobody offered up a confession.

  “That’s it. I’m checking teeth,” she said. And so she began. With the determination of a no-nonsense dental detective (or perhaps a veterinarian checking the age of a horse), she insisted on looking inside each sibling’s mouth. One by one, confused little ones opened their mouths while Jill peered in. And then she got to Joy.

  “I can see blue in your teeth!” Jill announced matter-of-factly. “You ate my Jolly Ranchers!”

  Case solved. At this point Mom and Dad got involved and they lovingly, but firmly, talked to Joy. “What did you do?” they asked.

  Joy confessed she had opened Jill’s locker looking for something and found the stash of candy and ate one piece, then a second, and kept going till she’d eaten all of it. She apologized (more about Duggar-style apologies later), and Jill quickly forgave her. Something every person needs to learn from an early age is that we can be forgiven for whatever we do wrong, but there are still consequences. So then the Duggar-family penalty was imposed: if you take something that isn’t yours, you must repay it—and, oftentimes, double repay it to learn your lesson. When it was all said and done, Jill ended up with more candy than she’d had before, and Joy learned to never take something that doesn’t belong to her.

  Soon after that incident, we all got locks for our lockers!

  OFFERING APOLOGIES AND FORGIVENESS

  ONE OF THE WAYS our parents have taught us to keep our sibling relationships strong is to deal with offenses quickly. That means a prompt and meaningful apology.

  Mom and Dad have taught us what a meaningful apology is not: It’s not saying, “I’m sorry but . . .” And it’s never saying things like “I’m sorry if you were offended,” or “I’m sorry I got angry because you mistreated me.” Mom and Dad make it very clear that we shouldn’t point out others’ mistakes or blame others for our wrong response.

  When we make a true apology, we swallow our pride, apologize for what we did, and “own” our offense, regardless of what happened before or after it—even if we feel the other person was 90 percent wrong and we were only 10 percent wrong, we apologize for our 10 percent. Mom taught us from a young age to look the person in the eye and say, with a humble attitude, “Johannah, I was wrong for being selfish and taking the toy away from you. Will you please forgive me?”

  But then comes the offended person’s responsibility: forgiveness. Sometimes that seems harder than apologizing! Sometimes people think if they refuse to forgive someone, that’s a way to get revenge. The truth is, bitterness will eat us up inside.

  Dad says when you won’t forgive, it’s as if you’re saying to the one who wronged you, “I’ll show you! I’m going to make you suffer for how you hurt or offended me. You’re going to be sorry now!” Then it’s like you turn around and drink a cup of poison. Instead of getting revenge, you’re really just hurting yourself.

  Mom adds, “No one enjoys being around a bitter, angry, complaining, critical person!”

  Years ago, Mom realized our family needed to memorize Matthew 18, the chapter in which Jesus teaches us how to deal with offenses and hurt feelings and resolve them. With as many people as we have in our household, we have a lot of opportunities to put this conflict-resolution stuff into practice!

  As the oldest girls, Jill, left, and Jana have been best friends all their lives. As our family grew, occasional challenges occurred among siblings, but Mom and Dad taught us to work through difficulties using biblical guidelines.

  Dad reminded us that when we pray the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6:9–13) we are asking God to forgive us to the same degree we forgive others. It says, “Forgive us . . . as we forgive.” Dad asked us to think about those words and take them seriously. Even though we might not feel like forgiving someone, we must choose to forgive every person who offends us and do it even before they ask—and regardless of whether they ever do ask. We must come to the place where we say, “Lord, I choose to forgive (name of offender) for (name of offense).” It’s a choice we can’t afford not to make.

  The choice to forgive doesn’t always free that other person from the consequences of his or her wrong actions, but it frees the forgiver from negative feelings toward the offender. And if we still have feelings of bitterness, the Bible says it’s important not only to forgive the other person, but also to go a step further and look for ways to bless him or her.

  GOING THE SECOND MILE

  DADDY SHARED WITH US the principle of “going the extra mile” from Matthew 5:41. In Jesus’s day, the law required that any Jewish boy over the age of twelve could be forced away from his own concerns at any time to help a Roman soldier carry his pack for up to one mile in any direction. In much the same way, Simon of Cyrene was forced to bear the cross of Jesus (see Matthew 27:32).

  The Jews of Jesus’s day, of course, deeply resented this humiliating law and saw it as a symbol of foreign domination. You can imagine, then, their surprise when Jesus said, “go with him two miles.”

  Jesus knew that by going the second mile, the offended one would be set free to show God’s love to the offender. Picture the Roman soldier saying, “Okay, you’re relieved from your duty now; you’ve gone your mile,” and hearing the other person respond, “I’d like to carry your pack for you another mile.”

  What do you think the first question out of that soldier’s lips would be? No doubt, you guessed it. He would say, “Why are you doing this?”

  And that person would have an open door to say, “Well, because there was this Man named Jesus who taught me to go the second mile.”

  Don’t you know that message would fall on open ears! That soldier would want to know what could motivate someone to show such undeserved kindness.

  LEARNING A MEMORABLE LESSON

  JESSA AND I (JANA) got a memorable lesson in how that works when Jessa was six and I was eight. At the time, we lived in a four-bedroom house, and Jill and Jinger shared one room, and Jessa and I shared another.

  It’s hard to imagine it now, but at the time Jessa and I really didn’t get along—which is probably why our parents put us in the same room, so we could work on our relationship. We shared a bunk bed; I was on top, and Jessa was on the bottom.

  Every night, as I was trying to go to sleep, Jessa would kick my mattress: Thump. Thump. Thump. I would ask her to stop, but she would keep right on kicking. This continued until I called Mom in and Jessa got in trouble. But only a few nights later, she’d be at it again: Thump. Thump. Thump. “That bother you up there, Jana?” she would say with a giggle.

  (Note: This was early in the development of Mom and Dad’s parenting skills, and they had not yet adopted some of the rules and practices we’ll describe a little later.)

  Our parents were tirelessly consistent about getting on to Jessa. But Jessa, likewise, was tirelessly consistent with her aggravating ways. Repeatedly, Mom and Dad corrected Jessa. And each time, they would have her come back in and apologize to me. Then we would give each other a hug, but still, the two of us just couldn’t get along. Finally, I began to simply avoid Jessa whenever I could because it seemed she was always looking for ways to annoy me.

  One night during our family devotions, which we call Bible time, we read about the apostle Peter. I remember thinking he must have had an annoying person like Jessa in his life because he asked Jesus, “How many times can my brother offend me, and I still forgive him? Seven times?”

  Jesus said, “Not seven times, but seventy times seven.” Now, He wasn’t saying that forgiving 490 times was the limit. (Because if that was the case, I thought, I could’ve probably stopped forgiving Jessa right then!) Dad explained that Jesus meant “You keep forgiving your brother as long as I keep forgivi
ng you.”

  Even at that young age, I knew Jesus had already forgiven me for way more mistakes than Jessa had even thought of making.

  I asked Mom what she thought I should do, and she told me, “Jana, if you really want your sister to be nice to you, make it a point to be nice to her, even when she’s mean to you.” Then she shared with me what Jesus said in Matthew 5:44: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”

  Mom said an enemy could be understood as “anyone who invades your territory,” and Jessa sure was intruding—on my bunk bed, my sleep, and my disposition! Mom encouraged me to think of something nice I could do for her. So even though I didn’t want to and definitely didn’t feel like doing it, after praying about it I decided to give Jessa something that was very special to me.

  Jill and I, as the oldest of the girls, had each been given matching pink jewelry boxes, and we both loved those beautiful boxes. It was hard to think of giving away one of my most treasured possessions—especially to someone I wasn’t happy with. But I tucked a few other childish but special-to-me things inside my jewelry box and then wrapped it up along with some candy. A little later, I told Jessa I had something to give her. I told her I loved her and handed her my gift.

  From my perspective, I (Jessa) admit to having been a very strong-willed child. I enjoyed irritating my big sister Jana because I thought it was funny to see her response. I knew how to get under her skin! Now I know that what I really wanted, deep down, was for her to pay attention to me, and by aggravating her, I definitely got her attention.