by Perry, J L
She stands up straight closing the oven door. “I’m going to have a shower,” she says without even looking in my direction. What? I don’t fucking think so.
“Hey,” I say as I reach for her arm.
“What?” she exhales, her eyes meeting mine.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” she says pulling her arm out of my grip and walking out of the room. What the fuck? I stand there in shock, staring at her retreating back. Fisting my hands in my hair, I let out a frustrated and damn well pissed off breath. If she thinks I’m going to let this go, she’s seriously fucking mistaken.
Marching down the hall a few minutes later, I open the bathroom door. She’s already in the shower, so I undress. Whether she likes it or not, I’m going to get to the bottom of this. Pulling back the shower curtain, I’m taken a back when I see her head leaning up against the tiles. Her shoulders move up and down slightly as she cries. Fuck me.
“Angel,” I breathe as I step in behind her, pulling her into my arms. “What’s wrong?” I ask, putting my index finger under her chin, tilting her face up to meet mine. “And so help me, you better not say nothing.” My heart breaks to see her like this, but it also pisses me off to know something’s going on with her, and she won’t tell me what.
“I’m fine,” she says wiping the tears from her eyes.
“You’re not fucking fine. Talk to me. You have no idea what not knowing is doing to me. Something’s up. You haven’t been yourself for days. I have all these crazy fucking scenarios going through my mind. Please. Is it me? Have I done something to upset you?” My first thought is this has something to do with my parents, my past.
“What? No.”
“Well, what? I’m worried about you. I hate seeing you like this.”
“I’m sorry if I’ve worried you.” A sad smile graces her face, but it disappears as fast it comes. “My emotions are all over the place lately. It’s not you,” she adds cupping my face with her hand.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” she answers, leaning forward placing her lips on mine.
“Is that why you’re going to the doctors?”
“Kind of.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No.” Her answer’s quick and abrupt, but I brush it off. If she doesn’t want me there, then I need to respect that. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt.
“Okay,” I say, pushing her back up against the tiles. It’s been two days since I’ve made love to my girl. I need that connection with her. I need to know we’re okay. Thankfully, this time she doesn’t push me away.
••••
Angel
My heart sinks when the doctor confirms my worst fears. After I took the home tests Dana bought two days ago, we got one positive result, and one negative. I was no better off than before. Dana set about convincing me to make an appointment with my doctor. She was right. I needed to find out one way or another.
I’m grateful she offered to come with me for moral support. I picked her up on the way. I needed her to hold my hand. I didn’t feel strong enough to do this on my own. Having Chase with me would’ve been nice, but under the circumstances, that wasn’t really an option.
Once the results were given, we both sat in the doctor’s office in stunned silence. Those words replay in my head, over and over. “Ms. Cavanagh, your bloods are back. It’s positive.”
“I’m pregnant?”
“Yes. Yes you are.”
In my heart I think I already knew the answer, but that doesn’t stop the crushing feeling that settles in my chest. Not about the baby. It’s Chase. Sure we’re young and haven’t been dating long. We still have our whole lives ahead of us. Becoming parents doesn’t mean we can’t achieve our goals, our dreams.
My hand instinctively goes over my stomach. I can’t believe I have a tiny life growing inside me. As shattered as I feel right now, I think I’m already in love. How can I not be? It’s a product of us, our love, and everything we share.
What am I going to say to Chase? I think that’s why I’ve been pulling away from him the past two days. I’m pretty sure this spells the beginning of the end for us. Of course that’s something I hope doesn’t happen. The mere thought of losing him terrifies me.
The doctor continues to babble on, but I don’t hear a word he says. I’ve tuned him out as my mind goes into overdrive. “Angel,” Dana says, shaking my arm. “The doctor just asked you a question.”
“I’m sorry, my mind drifted off.”
“I can imagine this would come as a shock to you, especially if it wasn’t planned.”
“No. No it wasn’t planned,” I whisper.
“Do you have any idea how far along you may be? When was the first day of your last period?” the doctor asks.
“No. No exact date. I think I’m a week, possibly two weeks late.”
“It’s best if we perform a quick ultrasound, then. That’ll give us a good indication.”
“Sure…okay,” I say, as numbness spreads through my whole body.
••••
Thankfully Dana offers to drive my car home. Not much is said between us. She’s probably just as shocked as I am. Resting the back of my head against the passenger seat, I stare out the window. I’m filled with dread. What am I going to tell Chase?
“Will you be okay to drive home from my place?” Dana asks, reaching across the console and placing her hand on my leg.
“I guess. It isn’t far.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m not really in the right frame of mind to be behind the wheel, but I’ll manage.” I’d let her take my car home, but I have no idea what Chase is going to say when I tell him I’m expecting his child. He may ask me to leave.
“It’s going to be okay, babe,” she says, squeezing my thigh. “It’ll all work out in the end. I promise.”
“I don’t want to get rid of it, Dana,” I can hear the panic in my voice as I speak. “What if he tells me to get rid of it?”
“I don’t think he’d say that. If he did, I’d be very disappointed in him. He loves you. Sure he’s going to be shocked. I’m shocked, so I can only imagine how you both feel. It’ll work itself out, I promise. No matter what happens, just remember I’m here. You’ll always have me.”
“Thanks,” I say, placing my hand on top of hers. “Thank you for being with me today. You have no idea how much I needed you.”
When we pull up outside her place, I reach over and hug her. I kind of wish I could go back to my house. I think I need more time to process this, but I can’t do that. Chase is expecting me. Putting off the inevitable isn’t going to change things. It’s not like I can hide a pregnancy from him for the next eight months. I need to put on my big girl panties and tell him. He may not like what I have to say, but this baby is part of him too, so he needs to know.
“Call me if you need anything, okay,” Dana says when she exits the car. “I love you. For the record, you’re going to make a fantastic mum.”
“I love you too,” I tell her, a small smile tugging at my lips. “And thank you.”
“I’m going to make a kick arse Aunt too,” she squeals, making me giggle. There’s a touch of excitement within me, but it’s clouded by the dread of telling Chase.
My butterflies intensify when I pull into the driveway. I take a few deep breaths before reaching over to grab my handbag off the passenger seat. Pulling it towards me, I see the small screen shot the doctor gave me from the ultrasound. It brings a smile to my face as I reach in and grab it. I can’t believe I’m going to be a mother.
I’m roughly five weeks along. The baby is so tiny you could barely make it out on the screen. It was like a tiny dot. Bringing the image towards my face, I place a small kiss on the picture. “Hope your daddy’s going to love you as much as I do,” I say, clutching it to my chest.
When I exit the car, I slide the photo into the pocket of my jeans. I feel sick. I can hear the boys talking
in the garage when I walk down the side of the house. This is something I can’t say in front of Pops, so I take the coward’s way out, heading inside. I need to check the roast anyway.
I turn the roast and veggies in the pan before popping it back in the oven. Grabbing my bag off the table, I make my way to Chase’s bedroom. Plopping my arse on his bed, I clutch my bag on my lap. I have no idea how I’m going to break this to him. I go through the words in my head. Everything sounds so lame. What a mess I’m in.
The first tear falls, but I quickly wipe it away. Another one soon follows before the floodgates well and truly open up. Dropping my bag on the floor, I bury my face in Chase’s pillow and start to sob.
I’m not sure how long I lay there for, but it’s a while. When I hear the bedroom door open, I quickly sit up and wipe my eyes. Jesus, he’s not meant to see me like this.
“You’re home,” he says surprised. “I was just coming in here to get my phone to ring you.” When he gets a good look at me, his face drops. “Fuck, have you been crying?” he asks, swiftly coming to me.
He pulls me off the bed and into his arms. This causes a fresh lot of tears to fall. “What the hell?” he says pulling back from me. “Jesus, what’s going on?” His eyes frantically search my face looking for answers. I wish he could tell just by looking at me, so I wouldn’t have to say the words.
“You better sit,” I say, wiping my eyes. He sits on the bed pulling me onto his lap.
“Talk.” I’m silent. I can’t find the words. “Angel, please. I’m freaking the fuck out here. I need to know what’s going on.”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out. The colour drains from his face then his body goes rigid. He sits in silence for a few seconds; it feels like an eternity. Say something please. He lifts me off his lap and stands.
“What?” he snaps, fisting his hands in his hair. “You can’t be.” My gaze drops to the floor. I can’t bear to look at him. The tone in his voice is enough to tell me he’s not happy. “Well I am. The doctor just confirmed it,” I whisper.
“Is that why you went to the doctor?” he screams. “Is that why you’ve been so distant these past few days?”
“Yes,” I answer, finally lifting my head to look at him.
“You’ve known for a few days, and this is the first I’m fucking hearing of it?” The tone of his voice makes me flinch. I don’t like the way he’s speaking to me.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry. Fucking sorry!” he screams. “I told you I didn’t want kids.” He abruptly turns, swiping his hand across his dresser in anger. Everything goes flying across the room. It makes me jump. I can’t talk to him when he’s like this.
“This is not something I planned, Chase,” I say. I’m incredibly hurt not only by his reaction, but his words.
Reaching down, I scoop my handbag off the floor. “Where are you going?” he asks as I walk towards the door.
“Home.”
“Angel, wait,” he says a little calmer. I don’t reply or stop walking. If he wants to talk about this later, he knows where to find me. “Angel,” he calls out again, but I keep walking. Tears burn my eyes as I open the front door, heading towards my car.
In my heart I knew he wouldn’t be happy, but fuck him. It takes two to make a baby. How dare he scream at me like that? He’s acting like I did this on purpose. It was an accident. He was the dumb fuck who forgot to wrap his dick.
Slamming my car door, my hand trembles as I put the keys in the ignition. As I’m backing out of the driveway, Chase comes running out of the front door. He’s saying something as he jumps off the porch, running towards my car. My window is up so I can’t hear him. Raising both of his hands, he signals for me to stop.
Ignoring him, I put my foot down. The screeching of my tyres makes me jump, but I don’t let my foot up. I floor it down the street. I need to get away from him before I completely lose my shit.
When I reach the end of the street, an ugly sob escapes me. Tears cloud my vision, so after turning the corner, I pull over. I need to get myself together. I can’t drive in this condition.
A few minutes later, I’m back on the road. Thankfully, I manage to make it home in one piece. When I pull into my driveway, my phone rings in my handbag. Reaching in to grab it, I notice Chase’s number flashing on the screen.
I can’t do this right now. I can’t handle being yelled at by him again. Making my decision, I push the ‘decline call’ button, before turning the phone off. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, if he’s calmed down.
I’m in a daze as I walk up my front steps, onto the porch. Fishing through my bag I retrieve my keys. “Shit,” I mumble when I realise my sensor light hasn’t come on. I can’t see what I’m doing in the dark. Stepping forward, I wave my hand in the air, trying to activate it. Something crunches beneath my feet. What the hell? It sounded like glass, but it’s too dark to see.
Confused, I run my fingers over the keys in my hand, trying to work out which one is for the front door. I swear I see a movement out of the corner of my eye. Swinging my head to the right, I see nothing. Something’s not right here, or maybe I’m just freaking myself out.
All the hairs on my neck stand on end when a hand comes around covering my mouth. He doesn’t need to say a word. I already know who it is. That sickening scent of his cologne envelops me. It’s a smell I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
“Unlock the door,” he whispers in my ear, sending shivers running down my spine, and bile rising to my throat. His hot breath against my ear makes my skin crawl. “Unlock the fucking door, I said.” I know what he said, but I’m frozen with fear.
He stands waiting for me to do as he’s asked, but my hands are trembling so much the keys drop to the floor, landing with a thud. “Fuck,” he spits in frustration, pushing me forward. Instinctively my hands cover my stomach, as my shoulder crashes hard into the solid wooden door. Bending down, he retrieves the keys.
When he stands to full height, he grabs hold of my hair, pulling me back to him. “Don’t fuck with me, bitch.” I cry out in pain, but his hand quickly covers my mouth again.
It takes a few minutes for him to get the door open. Kicking it with his foot, he shoves me inside. I stumble, but manage to stay on my feet. He turns, closing the door and securing the lock again. I’m trapped.
Thankfully, he hasn’t realised the alarm is still activated. In a few seconds it’s going to go off, hopefully alerting my neighbours. All I can do is pray someone will come to my aid.
It’s funny how I only found out a few hours ago that I was with child, but I already have that protective motherly instinct. All I can think about is my baby. Do what you like with me, but please don’t harm the precious life growing inside me.
The house is in darkness. Grabbing hold of my arm, he drags me forward. We only make it a few steps before the deafening wail of sirens sound. “What the fuck? Turn that motherfucker off,” he screams. “Where’s the control pad?”
“I…I,” I go to speak, but I’m cut off by a loud banging on the door.
“Angel…Angel,” Chase screams. Relief instantly floods through me. He must’ve followed me home. “Angel, open the fucking door.”
“Chase,” I scream.
“Shut up, bitch,” Riley says, covering my mouth again.
“Angel,” Chase calls out again. Riley just stands there. I’m not sure he knows what to do. I guess the alarm going off and Chase turning up wasn’t part of his plan.
Seconds later, there’s banging on the back glass windows. “Angel,” Chase screams. I can hear the desperation in his voice. The sliding door is locked. He can’t get in. Riley’s hand is still over my mouth, so I can’t even call out. His other hand is wrapped around my torso, pinning my arms by my side. My back is flush with his chest.
Time seems to stand still. I know Chase won’t give up on me, but there’s not much he can do from out there.
Even over the wailing of the alarm, I hear a loud bang, and the distinctive sound of br
eaking glass. “Fuck,” Riley says from behind me, as his hands move to my shoulders. He pushes me forward with so much force, that I lose my footing. One hand comes out, to break my fall, the other goes straight to my stomach.
I’m disorientated in the dark, but I know there’s furniture around. When my abdomen comes into contact with the corner of the hall table, sending a sharp pain shooting through me, I know I’m in trouble.
••••
Chase
I fucked up again. I didn’t mean to lose my temper with her. Finding out she was pregnant was a shock. I was also pissed that she kept it from me.
When she hightailed it out of my driveway, Pops hobbled out of the garage to see what all the fuss was. “Where’s sweet-thing goin’ in such a hurry?” he asks from behind me.
“As far away from me as she can get,” I reply.
“You two fightin’?”
“She’s pregnant,” I say, turning to face him.
“She is?” His face lights up when I say that. I guess that’s the kind of reaction I should’ve had when she told me, but it wasn’t. Far from it.
Truth is, there’s a part of me that’s fucking happy she’s carrying my child, but there’s also a part of me that hates the idea. My genes are beyond fucked up. My parents sealed that very fate. I’d have to have rocks in my head to want to bring a child into this world, knowing everything I know.
“Yeah, she is. When she told me I freaked out, so she left.”
“Why’d ya do that?”
“Because my genetics are fucked up, that’s why,” I snap.
“There’s nothin’ wrong with ya fuckin’ genes, ya dick. You’re a good kid, a smart kid. Ya mum’s a fuckin’ bitch, but that means shit.”
“Well, I recently found out the guy who knocked her up, was pretty fucked up too.”
“I don’t give a shit about that. You shouldn’t either. It’s what’s in here that counts, boy.” He points to my chest when he says that. “Ya got a good heart. Don’t let them crazy fuckers get in ya head. Ya nothin’ like them.”