Aching To Exhale

by Debra Kayn

  He frowned and shook his head, ending any movement abruptly when a memory of his past life came back to him. "The jack on television who scams people out of millions a year in the name of leading them to God?"

  "Technically, he's an evangelical pastor who televises messages straight from God to the hungry people looking for salvation, and he gets paid in return of bringing his people closer to heavenly entrance." She stood. "Yeah, that's him. The more saintly he appears, the more money he makes."

  He pushed to his feet, following her across the room. "You're saying that's your dad?"

  "Yeah, that's my dad." She crossed her arms. "They disowned me on public television to save their support from their followers. The last thing my father said to me was, 'You're dead to us now.' That was right before he shut and locked the door. When they went public with their decision, confessing their own shortcomings on how their daughter turned her back on God, there were reports of death threats toward me on the evening news three nights after I left. Their congregation believed I threatened their—she waved her hand in the air— righteousness or holiness, which in return made them vulnerable to the devil. I thought it'd go away, but new threats kept popping up on the news that kept me hidden away. From that point, I stopped looking for more news, and continued finding any job where I could get paid under the table in towns where I could get lost in a crowd."

  Raul muttered, "That's enough."

  Crystal laughed and the sound came out painful. "That wasn't even the beginning of it."

  "I don't want to hear anymore. It's over. You're here," he said.

  "I need to tell you," she whispered.

  He clamped his teeth together and nodded. All she had to do was ask, and he'd do whatever she needed to bring back the smile on her face and get her breathing normally again. Twenty-four hours was too long to go without Crystal all up in his face, being the woman he loved. Hell, a minute seemed like a lifetime.

  "One night after work—I was serving beer down at Long John's here in town at the time—I was sitting on the bus and there was an elderly couple sitting in the seats in front of me. They were speaking loudly, and I couldn't help but overhear them discussing one of my father's sermons they'd seen on television. They spoke of the example he gave as a modern day sacrificial lamb…" Her quick smile bordered on heartbreak. "He told everyone about how they'd forced away their daughter, because of the sins I brought with me, and they had received news the previous day that I'd died a horrible shame-filled death. The couple discussed how my father did the right thing, and my parents choices made it possible for me to have a chance to get into heaven. My parents killed me on national television to make more money and gain followers."

  "That's enough." Raul pulled her to his chest. "No more."

  She wrapped her arms around his waist and rubbed her cheek against his chest. "Don't you see? I'm dead. I've been dead for sixteen years. No one knows me. I've turned into someone I don't even recognize. I live a life that makes it easy to exist day to day. No one knows my real name."

  "It's Crystal Rose," he mumbled.

  She sniffed loudly. "It's a stripper name."

  "Sh." He lifted, and put her on his lap.

  "The same night I heard that my parents had truly killed any memory of me, I walked off the bus before my stop and through the gate and into a Lagsturns' party." She tilted her head back and gazed up at him. "I was so lonely and heartbroken, even though I thought I'd put my past behind me, hearing second-hand that my parents would rather have me dead and use that information for their own gain killed me inside. Then I met you…"

  He cupped her face in his hands. "You jumped right on me and never let go."

  "You called me your life," she whispered, her voice breaking. "I couldn't tell you my name was really Chrissy Donaldson."

  "Is that your real name?" he whispered back.

  "Yes," she mouthed.

  Her eyes welled with tears, and slowly became too much to hold back. The moisture ran down her cheeks, falling on his fingers. His chest tightened and he lowered his mouth to her face. He kissed each eyelid. The salt from her tears burned his throat. His poor Crystal and what she'd gone through alone.

  Laying her down on the bed, he slid in beside her, and pulled her tight against him. Her heart beat wildly against the palm of his hand. Crystal's life, more devastating than his, despite the destruction he'd caused in the name of doing his job, made her stronger than he even realized.

  Taken away from her security, her family, her home, and thrust into a world that was only crueler to her. Yet, she lay beside him, not letting her past defeat her or make excuses. She continued to hold on to her troubles as if she could handle them all herself when he was here with her and willing to take care of everything for her.

  "You've doubled your troubles by staying with me, and I won't forget that. You have Garcia after you, and there are brothers who don't trust you and think you set up Cramwell. If you think you had a target on your back before, it doesn't compare to what you're going to face if they find out what you've shared with me." He blew out his breath and forced himself to lower his voice. "Mi vida, you collect chaos faster than an outlaw MC."

  "I know," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

  He pressed his lips into the top of her head. "No reason to be sorry. You've done nothing wrong, but be your beautiful self. I promise to keep you safe."

  He'd protect her with his life, because for the first time, she was going to learn what it meant when someone loved her unconditionally.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Two days after returning to the club, Crystal wondered if she and Raul would ever have time to concentrate on their relationship. She leaned over the pool table and rolled a ball toward the corner pocket, and missed. Figures.

  "Will you stop?" Jolene bopped her on the arm with one of the pillows off the couch as she walked by her. "Voting is done, and you're not who they're talking about at the table. There's nothing to be nervous about, so what are you fidgeting about?"

  She sighed and leaned against the pool table, while Jolene deposited her armful of clean pillows back into position. Between all the women helping, they'd cleaned the club from top to bottom in less than two hours, and now they all waited for the men to come out of the meeting room.

  "I think I've had too much sleep since we got back," she said.

  "Heh. More likely, not enough. From what I hear, the two of you haven't left the bedroom very often since you returned," Jolene said.

  Crystal flipped her hair to one side, and separated the strands, keeping her fingers busy. "Maybe I need to get a job. I'm not used to sitting around."

  The wait for the job that Raul was doing for Garcia took up most of their time. Raul interrogated her, asking questions she had no answers for and trying to catch any information he might've missed to help him bring down the Mafia.

  Jolene tilted her head and arched her brow. "Is Raul going to let you work?"

  She shook her head. "I doubt it. Not right now."

  "So typical. Duck hates that I work, but he tolerates it." Jolene shrugged. "But my job for the county provides us with medical insurance and a retirement. I figure one day he'll look back and be glad I stood up to him."

  "Duck loves you," Crystal said.

  "He can't help himself. I'm awesome." Jolene plopped down on the couch and laughed.

  Crystal smiled. "Our men are lucky."

  "You can say that again," Jolene said.

  If only she believed Raul was lucky to have taken on her burden. Guilt kept her scrubbing the floor in the main room this morning in her attempt at erasing what she'd confessed to him two nights ago. Whether her parents drilled in the rules of secrets and behavior, she punished herself, or finally breaking free of the chain that tied her to a life she never spoke of, she only put herself more on edge.

  What if Raul told the members during the meeting who she really was? Would it matter to them or would the information leak out? She tapped her foot against the floor. M
aybe she had nothing to worry about, because in two days, Guillermo Garcia would have her on a boat headed for Mexico.

  "I give Butch a blow job, so he'll drive me across town to find out if the rumor of Crystal returning to the Lagsturns is true, and no one has a beer ready for me?" A humorous feminine laugh followed the question.

  Crystal turned around. She covered her mouth at the sight of Roxanne. A smile of happiness took away her stress. The last time she saw Roxanne, her friend was lying in a hospital bed barely alive, and everyone worried about her prognosis.

  Butch, his arm around Roxanne's shoulder, leaned over, kissed the side of his woman's head, and then took his exit, heading toward the meeting room. Crystal stayed at the pool table, unsure what to do.

  "I'll grab beer for everyone, and tell Theresa to take a break and visit with us." Jolene rushed past her.

  Roxanne limped toward Crystal, her jaw set in determination, ignoring the awkward slow gait. Crystal swallowed the lump of emotion gathering in her throat and dropped her hand from her mouth. The scar on Roxanne's forehead, the changes her body had gone through, took nothing away from the light radiating off her friend.

  Roxanne stopped in front of Crystal. "I'm glad to see for myself the rumors are true. You're back."

  "Yeah." Crystal trailed her gaze down Roxanne's slim body and back up again to look her in the eyes. "I'm so glad to see you here, standing, talking to me. I've thought about you a lot after I…left."

  She wasn't fooling anyone. Everyone in the club knew Raul kicked her out.

  Roxanne pulled Crystal into a hug and whispered in her ear. "I remember you sitting by my bed and talking. I couldn't respond, and then I realized you weren't talking to me, but reciting every good thing I've done since we'd met. I never knew I was such a good person, especially hearing it from someone who only knew me through the club."

  Crystal squeezed her hard. "You are a wonderful person."

  Roxanne pulled back, keeping her hands on Crystal's shoulders. "It meant the world to me. During recovery, when I found myself giving up and willing to live in a wheelchair because I hurt everywhere, I fell back on that list you recited. I can't thank you enough. I'd hoped someday, I'd be able to tell you that in person, and here you are…"

  "Anyone could've said the same thing." Crystal ran her hands down Roxanne's cheeks, not believing her friend fought through her injuries and lived. "Everyone was pulling for you."

  "No." Roxanne smiled. "Everyone supported me, but you gave me something I've never received, not even from Butch. He's not a talker when it comes to his feelings. My mom—she shrugged—she never had anything positive to say about me. You said things I'd never heard before, things I'd never let myself hope for in my life, and you gave it out of the kindness of your heart."

  Crystal hugged her again and stepped away. Uncomfortable with having that much impact on a person's life, she wanted to tell Roxanne that it was only words. But doing so defeated the purpose and she felt good about what she'd done, even though she didn't want to take the credit for Roxanne pulling through.

  "Beer for everyone." Jolene strolled back into the room, holding her arms up, carrying two bottles in each hand. "Theresa will be here in a few minutes, she's washing up. I caught her down in the basement trying to bring order to the stack of dirty clothes down there. I swear, the men need to pick up the slack when they see that the laundry is getting out of control."

  Crystal accepted the bottle and brought it to her lips. She sipped, despite not being a big beer lover.

  Roxanne hobbled over to the couch. Crystal took in the way her leg remained straight at the knee and she propped it on the bulky wooden table in front of the couch.

  A whoop pierced the air. She gazed at the opened meeting room door, watching the men file out of the room in one big jubilant burst of fresh air. Whatever they discussed behind closed doors put them in a good mood.

  Raul was the last one to come into the room. His gaze locked on her, and he wasn't smiling.

  He stalked to her, hooked her neck, and kissed her hard. She fell away breathless, and did the first thing that came to her mind. She handed him her beer.

  His lips twitched as he raised the bottle. She watched him carefully as he pulled half the contents into his mouth, and then wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

  "Thanks, mi vida," he said.

  She hooked her finger between his belt and his jeans. "You're welcome."

  Forbidden to ask what went down inside the other room, she studied the others. Duck pressed Jolene against the bar, his hands on her ass, his mouth on hers, getting his sexy on. Crystal looked away. The power of the brotherhood always made the men horny, especially after a meeting. She suspected it was all the testosterone in one room, the influence of authority, and excitement for their next ride.

  She leaned against Raul's side, taking comfort from the arm he slung across her shoulders. Their next ride would be dealing with their partnership with Guillermo Garcia. She had no idea what Raul planned or what would happen.

  He could easily be killed while doing his job, and she'd be at the mercy of the Mafia. She turned to Raul. "Take me upstairs."

  He nodded, and led her away from everyone. She hurried up the steps to the second floor, clinging to the back of his shirt. For at this moment, as long as he was in sight and she could touch him, they'd be okay.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Straddled on top of Raul, Crystal faced him, gripping the wooden spindles on the back of the chair, and held on. She continued kissing him as he moved her up and down on him. A desperate need to keep him here, in the room, and never let him out showed in the amount of energy she threw into the act.

  No one knew what the day would bring, and she wasn't ready to let him go.

  "Come, mi vida." Raul's legs straightened and he used the strength in his arms to bring her down on his cock harder.

  Filled with him, she panted, fighting the end. When he'd scooped her up on her way back from the bathroom, she never would've believed she had any more to give him. She was wrong.

  The air hot in the room, the silence filled by Raul's grunts of feelings and her rushed desire to give everything over to Raul's care, including her pleasure, created a safe cocoon for her, one she thrived on. She let go of the chair and clasped his shoulders. The heat from his body radiated off him. Her pussy clenched in reaction and a spiral of warmth curled in her lower stomach, tightening, reaching, and driving her needy.

  "That's it." Raul's fingers dug into her hips, keeping her going.

  Greedy and voracious, she clung to him. Breathless, urgent gasps escaped. Her core muscles seized in a flash of white heat Succulent pleasure flooded her entire body, instantly zapping her of any strength. Aware of Raul's string of cuss words as he came inside of her, holding her planted solidly on him, she careened toward him, laying her head on his shoulders and letting him hold her.

  Their mixed rapid breathing and thundering heartbeats vibrated between them. She shuddered as aftershocks of pleasure pinged throughout her body, and Raul's hardness pulsed in reaction. Nothing, not one thing worth living for, compared to the experience of having him deep within her, consuming her whole body.

  Her friendships with the other women in the club, her achievements on keeping herself safe, her resilience to stay strong despite the hardships dealt to her, never gave her the same kind of satisfaction Raul's love did.

  His love was different. Impossible. Demanding. Almost painful. Without him, she'd suffer and be half a person.

  "Be careful today," she whispered in his ear. "I'll never survive if you don't come back to me."

  Raul pulled her away from him, cupping her face. "I'll be back, and you'll be safe. No one is going to touch you."

  She dropped her gaze. He couldn't make promises that were out of his hands. Yet, she longed to believe him.

  "Mi vida," He forced her to look at him. "It's imperative that you stay locked down where you're going. Do exactly what we went over earlier. You
have to remain hidden. I ran out of time to set you up with the outside, so it's even more important that you don't question me."

  She nodded. "W-who will I be staying with?"

  He kissed her hard, lifted her from his body. She shivered, already lost without him. Fear of Garcia coming after her should've had her panicking, but all she could deal with was Raul riding away from her. What he planned to do would get him killed if anyone slipped up. It wasn't only her fear he'd be ousted for a Fed. He was delivering drugs, a mega load of drugs, and women.

  "Nichols." Raul pulled on his jeans. "He'll stay with you, and if I need to send someone to pick you up, he'll make sure you're delivered safely."

  "What?" She latched her bra behind her back. "How will he defend me against Garcia? He can barely walk the hundred yards to the back of the lot without stopping to catch his breath and rest his knees. I could do more damage with a well-placed kick than he could with his bad legs."

  Raul's brows lowered. He wasn't amused.

  "Seriously, baby. I love the guy, but everyone calls him old man Nichols for a reason." She pulled her T-shirt over her head and reached for her jeans.

  "He's the best shooter we have, and he's going well armed. He has strict orders to shoot first," he said.

  "Oh." She ran her hands through her hair, deciding to wear it down and not worry about how she looked today.

  She walked over to the dresser and picked up one of Raul's knives, passed it between both of her hands, and replaced it on the dresser and picked up another knife. Satisfied that it was small enough to handle without falling out of her hand, she slid it into the back pocket of her jeans, blade closed.

  "What are you doing?"

  She raised her gaze. "Taking one of your knives with me."

  "You're not going to need it. I said I've got you covered, and I do." He approached her and put his hands on her shoulders, stopping her. "Trust me?"

  "Yeah." She kissed him quickly, and continued. "But, I'm not stupid."

  Finally, his mouth softened and he gave her a dip of his chin. "Never thought you were."