Lost

by Jennifer Davis

  “Jackie.” I hear the sound of an ageing voice and my eyes pop open as my cheeks fill with scarlet embarrassment.

  “Papa!” Jack pulls his arms from me to wrap them around who I assume is his grandfather. His face fills with pride as he introduces me. “Papa, this is my beautiful girlfriend, Jess,” he boasts, filling me with even more admiration for him.

  “Beautiful indeed. Now, Jess, come give an old man a proper hello.” He extends his arms toward me too and places his line-filled lips on each of my cheeks. I can instantly see some of Jack in him, from the sparkling blue eyes, still filled with so much life, to the practically identical seersucker pants and blazer. Preppiness must run in this family!

  “Lovely to meet you,” I pause, unsure of what to call him, “Mr. Clarke”.

  “No, no, you call me Papa. Now Jess, come, let’s get to know each other, I think you could use a glass of champagne.” Yes, please. A little more liquid courage always helps to sedate the social anxiety that worms into my brain.

  I follow Papa’s lead to the bar and join him for another drink. Scotch is his poison, but I stick with the celebratory bubbles. I’m eager to get to know this seemingly sweet old man. Having grown up without grandparents, I’ve never had much interaction with the greatest generation. I learn that Papa’s name is Wellsley, hence the derivation of Jack’s older brother’s name. Papa is a Vietnam veteran, who spent years flying for the Navy before coming here to complete law school, and eventually retiring in serene Portland, Maine. He spent decades proudly growing his business before fully retiring less than a decade ago and handing the reigns over to Jack’s father.

  “Papa, you’re not trying to steal my girl away from me, are you?” Jack approaches us a half hour into our conversation.

  “Watch your back, Jackie,” he teases him. “This girl is filled with southern charm. I can see why you like her so much.” Papa gives me a wink and playfully wraps his arm around my shoulder to tease Jack.

  “He was just catching me up on his life story, and the amazing law firm he built from nothing. And, of course, the family he had and raised in this lovely town,” I compliment Papa and watch Jack’s broad smile fade into bitterness with my words.

  My confusion grows as I hear Jack’s tongue sharpen. “Jesus, Papa, are you now shaming my girlfriend into convincing me to come back? I thought we talked about this,” Jack snaps at him.

  “No, son. I said no such thing, I was respecting our agreement, but now that you’ve brought it up maybe I should set things straight.” I watch Papa rise to his feet and can sense the blood beginning to rage through each man’s veins.

  “Everything ok?” Wells approaches hand-in-hand with Gabby, his beautiful and exotic-looking fiancée. Her olive skin, dark hair, and chocolate eyes come straight from her Cuban roots. And her tiny but curvy frame makes me beyond envious, but her genuine heart makes her impossible not to adore. After just a day together we’ve become fast friends, and I can see by the concerned look on her face she knows where this conversation is going before I do.

  “Yeah, fine,” Jack grumbles, looking away as he takes a long draw of scotch.

  “No, it’s not fine,” Papa barks, and I watch Alan’s ears perk up from a nearby conversation. He excuses himself to quickly join us.

  “Dad, come on. Now’s not the time,” Alan cajoles his father.

  “Damn it, Alan. It’s never the time. Why can’t someone explain to me why the business I built with my own two hands isn’t good enough for my spoiled grandson?” Oh. I swallow hard, beginning to piece this together.

  “Papa, come on. This isn’t about you. It’s about me wanting to have a different life. Why can’t you understand that?” Jack questions him.

  “Why can’t you understand? That I laid the path for your father, and then Wells and you. This is our family’s legacy and you’re turning your back on it. You said it was just college. And then you chose business school instead of law school. All for what? Some extra money and a southern girl? No offense, Jess. I think you’re a lovely girl, but so was Lela. It just seems nothing is good enough for this boy. Don’t let him lead you on like he did her.” My breath escapes me, and I suddenly feel sick and weak. Lela. How the hell did she get into this conversation? And what did he do to her? I watch Papa storm away, and Jack turns and throws his near-empty tumbler over the deck into the dark beachy sky.

  “Son, come on.” Alan escorts Jack with his arm around his shoulder, pulling him away for a “calm down and don’t fuck up your brother’s party” chat. Gabby watches me, her face filled with concern, and mouths “are you ok?” Am I ok? I don’t know. Am I? How could I be?

  “Jess, Gabby, why don't we get a drink over here," Annie says, swooping in to quickly diffuse the remains of the situation. I force one foot in front of the other as my head spins about me. Almost instantly Annie gets pulled away by a party guest, so Gabby sweetly grabs my hand and pulls me further away from the crowd. We sit on the steps of the back deck, close enough to the ocean to take in the soft sound of crashing waves.

  “So I can tell by your expression that Jack may not have briefed you on the, um, situation with his grandfather.”

  “You can safely assume that.” I shrug, processing all of this new information. “I guess I knew that he had branched out, and wanted to do something different than his family. But I didn’t know it had caused such a rift. And then Lela”—I pause, feeling my heart weaken as her name leaves my lips— “what did he do to her? I mean it can’t be good if Papa says he did her wrong.”

  “Well, um, what has Jack told you about her?” Gabby asks, her soft eyes filled with concern, but I can see she’s balancing giving me the candor of a friend with her loyalty to her soon-to-be family.

  “I know about their relationship. That they dated for a long time. And I presumed it was serious, or at least not insignificant since they were together for so long.” And that he kissed her last month on his ski trip, we basically broke up because of it but I decided to forgive him. Stupidly, now it seems. I leave out these last details, not wanting to tarnish her opinion of our relationship. “But why would his grandfather care so much about their relationship?”

  “Well, Jack may not have let on how serious they were. They were engaged. Well, sort of anyway.” These words hit me so hard in the stomach I nearly puke on perfect Gabby in her bridal-looking white eyelet dress. Oh, God. Why wouldn’t he have told me that? Maybe he’s not over her. I’m just his attempt to move away from his past. His forced attempt to have roots in the south, prove his family wrong that he can make his own career, and find his own life. And love for that matter.

  “No, I didn’t know that. Oh, God, I feel like such an idiot.” I choke back a sob, not wanting to become a hysterical basket case in front of Jack’s family.

  “Jess, no. Gosh, I’m just making things worse. There was never a proposal, or a ring, or anything like that.” I sniffle and choke back another tear, now feeling more confused than ever. “It was expected. Assumed. By all of us. Lela’s parents practically grew up with Annie and Alan. It was Papa and Grandma Kate that were dear friends with Lela’s grandparents. Papa and her grandfather fought together in the war, and both came back here together afterward. It was the closest thing you could have to an arranged marriage these days. And once they had been dating for that long everyone assumed, and I think the parents and grandparents hoped, that they would get married and settle down here.”

  These words crush me and do nothing except confirm that I’m his rebound girl. The rebellious escape from his predetermined fate.

  “I still feel like an idiot.” This time I can’t stop the sob, and I feel the warm tear roll down my cheek.

  “Jess, sweetheart, are you ok?” Annie sneaks up on us, and I’m mortified to be caught crying.

  “I’m so sorry, Annie,” I apologize, jumping to my feet. “I just need a minute, I’ll be fine.” I try to attempt a smile, but I know it’s not fooling anyone.

  “Gabby, honey, do you
mind giving us a quick minute?” Annie asks.

  “Of course. Jess, I’m here if you need me.” Gabby gives me a sweet squeeze as she walks away.

  “Well, well, what a mess you’ve walked into tonight.” Annie’s eyes are soft and concerned, mirroring her sincere tone. “I’m guessing Jack may not have shared with you everything that he left behind here.” I simply shake my head no, knowing that words will only come with more tears. “Alan and I have never forced anything on Jack. Not his choice of college, or career, or even who he should date. But I can’t say the same about Alan’s father. It’s his pride, dear. You can understand how a man that spent decades building a legacy and foundation for his family would want them to honor it and appreciate it. And I know Jack does, but he’s always been a bit different. We always knew that he might go a different route, and while we would love if he lived closer to us we truly only want him to be happy.” I nod, acknowledging her words.

  “And most importantly we want him to have true love. I’m sure you have questions about Lela, and I can say she is a lovely girl. And yes, her parents and grandparents will always be dear friends of ours. But that doesn’t mean that Jack should, or would, end up with her. She didn’t make him happy, dear. I think he tried for so long because of us. But I think he knew in his heart that they weren’t right together. It was that missing sparkle, and it was something that I haven’t seen with him until now. He has that with you, Jess. I can see how much you mean to him, how happy you make him. So don’t let any of this nonsense disrupt your courtship. I can see a great future for you and Jack.”

  I want to believe her words, and the hopeful remains of my heart do. But she doesn’t know the rest of the story, what happened last month. If he knew they weren’t meant to be, and the spark was gone, then why did he risk our relationship for a dumb kiss? And why did I run into Mr. Lust in New York? And practically sleep with him?

  These thoughts startle me. I’ve managed to push him far back into my brain, and now here I sit, having a heart to heart with Jack’s mother, and Mr. Lust pops into my head.

  “Annie, thank you. For your kind words, and your amazing hospitality. I can truly see where Jack gets his good nature from.” I force another smile and hug the woman who hours ago I thought could be my future mother-in-law. Now I can only wonder, will that day ever come? My heart aches at the thought of losing Jack, his love, and his wonderful family, save his selfish Papa. But where do we go from here?

  twenty

  “Happy wedding day!” I yell cheerfully at Meredith, giving her a hug hello as I walk into the beautiful St. Regis hotel.

  “Hiii! So glad you’re here. I was afraid everyone would be running behind,” she says, already sporting a bridal glow. Her white sleeveless dress has a high cut v, and she wears a pink cardigan over her shoulders.

  “I am absolutely starving. This brunch better be delicious,” Emma says, still fighting her hangover.

  “It’s the St. Regis. Has it ever not been delicious?” I retort.

  “Ok, true. Let’s hope their fancy menu doesn’t discriminate against my needs.”

  “And what exactly are those needs today? It is all about you today after all.” Emma glares back at me when she hears the sarcasm in my voice.

  “French fries, hash browns, or really anything covered in grease and sure to absorb the liquor from last night.”

  “No wonder you work out so much,” I say with a laugh as we make our way up the beautiful dark wood staircase. Just around the corner at the top of the stairs sits a long table, decorated with beautiful light gray tablecloths and light blue flowers. Waiters roam the crowd of women: the mother of the bride, mother of the groom, aunts, grandmothers, and bridesmaids. It’s the perfect gathering of family and friends to celebrate our beautiful friend’s wedding day.

  “Can I offer you a glass of champagne? Or a mimosa?” A friendly waitress approaches us as we make our way into the party area.

  “A mimosa would be great, thank you,” I order. I too indulged a bit too much last night, thanks to a mix of open bar and relationship anxiety. After last weekend’s events in Maine I have more questions than ever for Jack, but bridesmaid duties have sucked up all of my time this week, not allowing the opportunity for a meaningful or productive discussion with Jack.

  “Hey, girls!” Meredith’s mother comes over and gives us a cheerful hello, followed by hugs.

  “Hey, Eleanor! Are you excited for today?”

  “Oh, yes. I am so excited! You know we just love Cale, and I think the wedding has come together just perfectly!” she says excitedly with her sweet, southern drawl. “And Meredith just has the most beautiful bridesmaids and wonderful friends. I know she’s just overjoyed to have you girls stand up there with her today.” Oh, sweet Mrs. Andrews. Meredith was undoubtedly blessed with her mother’s optimism and positive attitude. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a mother who was that way. Mother would probably spend my wedding day fat-shaming me, or finding some other way to make the day all about her.

  My thoughts turn to the impending arrival of my parents. I haven’t seen them in months, despite them living just an hour away, and I feel guilty when I realize how much I’m dreading it. Things with Jack are a bit tenuous, at least in my mind, until we have a chance to talk. Plus, I wouldn’t normally want to introduce a boyfriend to my parents this soon, but since they’ll be at the wedding tonight and Jack is my date, there’s really no way out of it.

  The rest of brunch is filled with laughter and fun, and ends just in time for us to head to the ceremony.

  ***

  “Ok, I’ll see you all at the church shortly!” Meredith says excitedly as she and her mom leave the brunch.

  “We’re right behind you Mere!” Emma says.

  “I’m going to run into the bathroom and then I’ll meet you downstairs?”

  “Ok, see you in a few.”

  As I approach the top of the stairs and begin my descent, I see Emma in the lobby speaking to someone. As I take a few more stairs, being careful not to let my oversized heels wobble me over, I realize she’s talking to my parents. Oh, fuck me. What are they doing here? I thought I could avoid them until tonight. I take a deep breath, force a smile to form on my lips, and join them.

  “Jessica, don’t you look lovely,” my sweet daddy says, giving me a squeeze hello.

  “Thanks, Dad. What are you doing here?” I question him, assuming I wouldn’t see them until the reception later tonight.

  “I had some business to handle up here, and your mother is never one to turn down a shopping day in the city. So we decided to get a room for the night, and she’s having a spa visit tomorrow before we head home.”

  “Oh, how nice. So where’s Mother now?” The smile fades from my mouth as I say her name, and I peer around the lobby, catching a glimpse of her shiny blonde hair near the concierge. She catches my eye, waving back at me. Great, guess our reunion won’t be waiting until tonight. My plan had been to distract her this evening by introducing her to Jack, thus pushing her focus on him rather than allowing her to pick at me.

  “Come say hello,” Daddy says, seeing Mother gesturing us over.

  “We have to be quick, ok? We’re on our way to the church.”

  “Of course,” he says leading us over to her.

  “Sorry,” I say quietly to Emma as we walk over.

  She smiles back, knowing all too well of my tenuous relationship with my mother. “Don’t worry about it, Jess, we’ll be quick,” she says reassuringly, giving my arm a squeeze.

  I force my posture to straighten and suck in my belly in hopes of minimizing the judgmental looks from her. “Hi, Mom,” I say, forcing a smile for the woman who gave me life. “We just wanted to say a quick hello, we’re off to the church.”

  “There’s my girl!” She gives me a hug that would seem warm and genuine to anyone on the outside, except me, who knows her all too well.

  “Emma, dear, don’t you look lovely. And so fit!” She gives my
friend a hello, and can’t resist the opportunity to slight me. Not that Emma doesn’t look great, but Mother only ever notices additions to my weight. Of course, being that I inherited daddy’s side of the family’s curves, I will only ever be fat in her eyes.

  “Thank you. It’s nice to see you both,” Emma responds politely. “But we do have to run, can’t hold up the wedding! We’ll see you shortly?”

  “Yes, of course. You girls run along, can’t keep a bride waiting!”

  I start reeling as soon as we step away. Why do I always feel like shit around her? Even after a simple sixty-second conversation I feel slighted by her lack of compliment for me when she finds it so easy to give one to Emma. Is she that calculated? Or just that disappointed in me?

  The valet pulls my car up just as we reach the hotel entrance. “Thank you,” I say to the young man as I hand him a tip. I glance at the black Mercedes that has just stopped in front of me, waiting for the passenger’s exit so I can depart. I pull up Waze while I wait, looking for the quickest route to the church.

  As my eyes return to the windshield, my pulse fades. This can’t be happening. I do a double take. What is he doing here? Is it really him? I blink, processing his arrival and the situation. I can’t exactly go talk to him, I’m already running late to my friend’s wedding, and I’m sitting here with Emma, who knows nothing of my, um, adventures with Mr. Lust. But God, just seeing him takes me back to that place, and the feelings I had for him. Have for him?

  He straightens his jacket as he waits for his luggage from the car. He turns toward my car and my heart stops. His stare is blank for a moment, and I watch his dazzling eyes blink before his mouth turns into his lust-worthy smile.

  twenty-one

  The angle of the sun through the stunning stained glass windows makes the perfect backdrop for this beautiful spring wedding day. Just like in the movies, the big doors swing open, and the organ begins piping “Canon in D”. We all stand silently in the line, peeking into the older but classically styled church, framed with dark wood and tall windows, all softened by the white floral arrangements throughout. We stand in order of height: Emma, Meredith’s younger sister Kelly, me, and Callie, waiting our turn to begin the march down the aisle. I watch as Emma’s tall, model-like figure flows easily through the crowd, smiling at the photographer as she strides. I glance back at Meredith, her face reflecting her steady but excited demeanor. I catch her eye and give her a big smile before the wedding planner nods me in. I begin my stroll, focused on Kelly’s speed to ensure we stay the appropriate distance apart.