Lost

by Jennifer Davis

  His tongue wrestles with mine, our bodies electrified from the words we’ve exchanged. I kiss him hard, my feelings growing stronger by the minute. All of the things I’ve thought, and hoped for, are finally coming true. We will have our chance to be together. Actually together as a couple. I taste his mouth for what feels like forever, only pausing when I sense a shadow lurking over us.

  “Excuse me, sir, are you ready to order?” an older Chinese man with perfect English inquires. The normally cool Max looks flustered, our exchange of feelings clearly being new territory for him.

  “Are you hungry?” Max asks, turning toward me. My body is nearly heaving from having locked lips, but my only hunger is for him. I turn my head over his shoulder and slide my hand between his legs. His Italianness is at a full salute, and it’s the only thing I want to taste.

  “Not for food,” I manage to say with a straight face.

  “Actually, we have to go,” Max informs the waiter. “You have my card.”

  “Yes, sir.” The water nods, and moves the table outward, allowing us an easier exit. Max slides out first, then offers me his hand to help me out. He grabs the open bottle of Dom with his free hand, whisking me away for an incredible evening of Lust.

  forty-five

  The hotel room is quiet. Eerily quiet. I consult the clock and see it’s only 7 am in Shanghai, still hours before we have to leave for the airport. The sheets beside me are empty and cold, and I strain my ear for sounds of Max. He must be in the bathroom? I blink my tired eyes, forcing them open just enough to further survey the room. I glance toward the bathroom and see no lights beneath the closed door. That’s odd. I flop out of bed and walk quietly up to the door, again listening for sounds of life. Nothing. I knock quietly before opening the bathroom door. Upon further silence, I swing it open and my eyes confirm he’s not there. He must’ve gone to get us some breakfast, I sweetly think of him. Wait, where are his toiletries? My eyes and mind are fully awake now, processing what I’m seeing.

  My heart races as I whirl around back into the hotel room and feel my fears further confirmed. All of Max’s things are gone, except for his shiny gold watch on his nightstand. My phone is without any texts from him, and there are no apparent notes explaining his absence. But he’s always wearing his watch—unless he was in such a hurry to leave me that he forgot it. Oh, God. I’m such an idiot. The tears begin falling down my face, faster than they’ve ever fallen before. I fall onto my knees, curling up in a ball, holding onto my only tangible memory of him: his shiny gold watch.

  I replay last night’s conversation in my head. He clearly said he wanted me. Wanted to try things with us. That this wasn’t just a fling. But now he’s gone? I’m such a fool. An idiot. Why would I suddenly be the girl he would fall for? There’s nothing special about me. He could have anyone. My sobs grow louder, but not loud enough to mask the knowing voices in my head. I was never his, and he was never mine. I was simply another girl, another fling, another meaningless conquest. Everything he said was bullshit. The only thing real between us was the chemistry we had. But it was just sex. Just a fling. Just…Lust. It’s over, Jess. Your trysts with Max. Your relationship with Jack. Oh, fuck. What have I done?

  I knew his reputation. I knew better. And now I have to say goodbye to Jack, too. The one I’ve loved and have lost as well. It’s all my fault. Love was never enough for me. I thought I needed this lust. This is my karma. I should have trusted in what I had with Jack, allowed my heart to have faith, to take a chance and fight for love. But now it’s all gone. Everything.

  No more love. No more Lust. Just me. Completely Lost and alone.

  forty-six

  “So what are you going to say to Jack?” Sarah asks me, staring straight ahead as she navigates us through the dark and quiet highway that takes us from the airport into the city.

  “I don’t know. The truth I guess?”

  “That you had an affair with Max?”

  “Well no, not exactly. What’s the point? It’s over.” I shake my head at the words, finally able to say them without tears because they’ve all been cried. There’s nothing left inside of me. “Everything is over.”

  “Is that what you want? Even after, well, what happened in Shanghai?”

  “Whatever happened with Max is over. Clearly. But that doesn’t change anything with Jack. When I decided to cheat, that’s when it was over. Now we just have to make it official.” Despite the sinking feeling inside of me, I am numb. My heart is shattered, pained into a state of shock, which graciously brings a glimmer of numbness to my broken soul. I never should have taken a chance on Jack. And definitely not on Max. I should’ve stayed alone and unloved, then I would’ve never had to feel the pain of losing it. Him. Them.

  “So will you talk to him tonight?”

  I glance at the clock, seeing it’s near midnight. “I think I have to. I’m totally exhausted, but I can’t let this go on. I need to be fair to him.”

  “Jess, are you absolutely sure? Sure that you’re done with Jack?”

  “It’s not my decision. I mean I do still love him. It’s not that the feelings disappeared, they just changed when our relationship was strained. He’s not the same Jack he was even a month ago. He’s not the guy I fell in love with. That guy seems to have vanished. If he hadn’t, who knows what would’ve happened with Max.”

  Sarah leans her right hand over and gives mine a reassuring squeeze.

  “And either way, I’ve made my bed. No pun intended.” I sigh, realizing how poignant my words are.

  “You’re doing the right thing, Jess. You’ll get through it, I promise.”

  “I know. I’ll be fine,” I lie, willing the numbness back to protect my fractured soul. “So tell me about Ben. Was this just an international fling?”

  She shrugs her shoulders. “It’s too early to tell. But he’s more gifted than I would’ve guessed.”

  “Really! Wow. Our boy Ben. Good for him. And for you, I guess! So how gifted is he? Is it just a gift, or is there talent to back it up?” We both laugh at my ridiculous metaphors, and Sarah keeps me preoccupied with the PG version of their trysts in China, until we finally turn down Jack’s street. My street? My former street anyway.

  “You sure you’re ready to do this? You can always stay with me tonight and talk to him tomorrow.”

  I stare at his house up ahead, and begin to feel the nerves churn my stomach. “I’m good. Really.”

  She pulls into his driveway, and I climb out of her Jeep Cherokee, grabbing my bag from the back. I hear a door swing open and Jack bounds from inside the house, wearing a nervous smile as he approaches me.

  “Let me get your bags, Jess.” He passes me by and I shrug at Sarah.

  “Good luck,” she mouths to me. I nod my head, grateful for her concern.

  “Call you tomorrow,” I say leaning in to her window, feeling my heart begin to pound inside my chest. She nods, and leans her head out the window toward Jack.

  “Goodnight, Jack.” She waves to him, then switches into reverse, quickly leaving the two of us alone in the driveway. I look to Jack, who is filled with nervous excitement, not exactly the emotion I was expecting of him tonight. Jack hurries my bag to the front porch then quickly jogs back to me.

  “Come with me.” He grabs my hand and hurries inside. Resting on the kitchen counter is a bottle of Prosecco on ice, with two glasses next to it.

  “I thought you wanted to talk?” I ask, confused by this setup.

  “I do. I need to explain myself to you. Jess, I know I’ve been an ass. Unforgivably so. I haven’t made time for you, and I wasn’t making you a priority. I realize that now, and I’m truly sorry,” he says with sincerity. “We can talk about everything, but I just need to get this off my chest first.” He glances nervously at me, and the remnants of my feelings for him trickle to the surface. I give his hand a reassuring squeeze, encouraging him to finish whatever this is.

  “I love you Jess. I nearly fucked things up with you earlier this
year, and now I’ve done it again. I’m an idiot. I know that. And I don’t want to lose you. I promise I’ll never shut you out like this again. You’re the one person I need. I just wasn’t as quick to realize it as I should have been. But now it’s crystal clear. I love you. I need you. And I want to be with you forever.”

  What? My head begins to spin out of control. He grabs my hand and leads me through the kitchen toward the deck outside. Oh my God. I see the flickering candle lights and flowers covering nearly every square inch. He can’t be serious. Can he?

  He leads me through the open door and lets out a deep exhale before dropping onto one knee.

  “Jessica Marie Bauer, I love you so much. And I know I haven’t appreciated you the way I should have. I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you and giving you everything that you deserve.” He pauses, retrieving a box from his pocket, and my breath escapes me. The candle lights flicker against the sparkling diamond and the shiny gold watch as I breathlessly await his words. “Will you marry me?”

  about the author

  Jennifer Davis is a native of Georgia. Like a true native, she received a Bachelor of Science from the Georgia Institute of Technology and a Master of Business Administration from the University of Georgia.

  Jennifer’s favorite season is fall, and she loves watching her teams play college football. She enjoys spending time with her family, traveling, and baking. Jennifer aspires to learn Italian, largely due to her love of Italian food and wine.

  Her stories stem from an adventurous imagination and vivid nightly dreams. Jennifer began writing her first novel, Lost, in 2013 as a way to unwind and give life to her stories beyond the confines of her own mind.

  Jennifer resides in Atlanta with her husband, son, and big shaggy dog.

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