Determination

by Angela B. Macala-Guajardo

  Chapter 11

  Heartbroken

  It was him. It was really him! He was here. She’d hear his voice again, would look into his eyes many more times, speak to him again. Aerigo got to his feet, brows knit with confusion. Of course he was confused. She would explain what she understood in a moment, but first...

  Roxie ran to him and her heart soared a little higher with every step. They were together again. She leapt the last stride, arms leading the way. Sekiro shouted at her but Roxie didn’t hear the words as her world tunnel-visioned on Aerigo’s sculpted frame, broad shoulders, wide chest, deep blue eyes--all of it. She wrapped her arms around his strong shoulders, he tried to catch her, but she sailed right through him, feeling nothing more than an icy blast. She hugged her own torso as she stumbled and caught her balance, then took a moment to absorb the cold before registering her empty arms. She unwrapped them and her legs felt weak as the truth sank in.

  Aerigo was dead. He was undeniably, irrefutably dead. No more warm hugs or caresses. No taste of a first kiss. No future together. His soul was bound for a journey to inner peace, without her, like her father. They really were never going to be together. On top of that, she had no one left to keep her safe or help her take Nexus down. She was alone. All alone.

  Roxie felt sick to her stomach as tears and pain filled the hole in her heart. She dropped to her knees, her mind drawing a blank on how to react to so many emotional blows in a row.

  “Roxie!” Sekiro appeared before her, pushed her cap and hair out of her face, and kneeled on the grass.

  Roxie looked away, not wanting to take in any more external stimuli. She needed to absorb the truth of the situation. However, hands shook her by the shoulders and she blinked. Sekiro’s worried face came into focus.

  “You still with us?”

  He’s really gone. Roxie felt a need to say something but she couldn’t get any words out. She just stared at the Numina with her mouth ajar and thoughts racing through her head.

  “Please stay with us.” Sekiro waved someone over and clasped both shoulders again. “Would you be willing to donate some energy again?”

  She wanted to say yes but her words were stuck like something had paralyzed her vocal cords. She managed a slight nod. Her whole body felt like it didn’t want to move; just stay frozen while her brain tried to sort things out.

  A shadow passed over her and Aerigo kneeled beside Sekiro, his gaze full of sadness and worry. Roxie tried to say his name and reach for him, but all she could do was stare at the ghost of the man she’d fallen in love with so quickly, yet lost even faster. Aerigo’s eyes glowed blue and Roxie felt her eyes start glowing as well. Sekiro took their hands and brought them together, but Roxie gasped at the sudden chill and Aerigo let go as if he’d been stung. The pain in his expression tugged at her heartstrings. Swallowing her own pain, she woodenly held out a hand and braced for the cold.

  Aerigo tentatively reached for her, brushing her fingertips with his icy touch. Roxie grit her teeth and nodded for him to take hold. He held on tight, siphoned off her energy, and his form solidified, looking alive. The sensation of her body heat being sapped went away, and Aerigo clasped her hand in both of his.

  Roxie put a hand on top of his and this time she didn’t pass through him. Relief, hampered by the cold, washed through her. At least they could touch again. She removed her sword hand and cupped Aerigo’s face, doing her best to ignore the numbing cold. He tilted his head into her hand. She caressed his face and ran her fingers along the line of his jaw, then back up to his ear, down his neck and along his shoulder, feeling the mountain of corded muscle that was him--used to be him. She traced along his chest, making him flex involuntarily, and she pressed her palm over his heart, devoid of a beat. He ran his fingers along her arms and cradled her elbows in his hands. Roxie held Aerigo’s glowing-eyed gaze, then reached up and tugged on the collar of his shirt. The Versaton material stretched, forming an elongated “v” that framed the dagger-sized scar in his chest.

  The red line opened a floodgate of emotion. Letting go, Roxie doubled over and battled the tears pushing to burst out. Her throat constricted, eyes stung, and chest tightened, but she fought to hold herself together. She couldn’t afford to lose control.

  When Aerigo’s frozen hand began rubbing her back, her emotional dam broke. She began crying hard, harder than she could recall ever crying.

  Her crying carried across the grassy field. Aerigo pulled her to him, pressing the side of her face to his lap and holding her tight, his body convulsing with sniffing and quiet sobs. Roxie clamped her arms around his hips and cried with him, for him. He was freezing cold but she didn’t care. Despite her healing powers, she’d go numb eventually, and then it wouldn’t matter how cold he was.

  Someone sat next to them and placed their hands over hers. Roxie pried her eyes open long enough to see tears streaming down Sekiro’s face. She closed her own and continued crying the hardest she ever had.

  * * *

  By the time the coldness numbed Roxie’s face, she felt collected enough to bring herself to ease away her tears. It felt like it’d taken days and days to finally go numb, but now that she was, she found it easier to seek comfort in Aerigo’s embrace.

  Not only had she cried for Aerigo, she’d cried for her mother, father, and herself. She urged herself to accept Aerigo’s death and to feel thankful for how good of a person he’d been to her, all the wonderful and amazing things he’d shown her, people he’d introduced her to, and even teaching her how to use extended reality. She felt immense gratitude for all the good. He’d believed in her enough to train her--she who must still look like a mere child in his eyes, despite his indifference to their age gap--and even fall in love with her. What a gift to receive love from someone like him.

  Roxie cried for her mother, accepting the pain of her mother’s scorn and lack of love. Her tears helped her let it go, accept the truth, and move on. She refused to let herself become a victim of her mother’s selfishness.

  She cried for her father, mourning the loss of a parent who could’ve been a great father but never got the chance to. She embraced his love and let all his imperfections go. They didn’t matter anymore.

  She cried for herself because she was terrified of facing Nexus alone, and daunted by all who depended on her to be some sort of hero. It was so much to ask of her, but she would never be able to live with herself if she hid in fear and never tried. All those lives lost and any other repercussions would strangle her with guilt. She accepted the burden of such a huge responsibility and took several deep, shaky breaths.

  Aerigo stroked her hair, sniffing now and then. His icy touch to the side of her head that hadn’t gone numb felt wonderful and uncomfortable. She could still feel the cold but it was nowhere near as biting as when she’d started crying. Spreading her wings on the grass, Roxie rolled onto her back and lay on Aerigo’s thighs. He smoothed loose hair down and out of her face.

  Her life was on the line. She was attempting to go into a fight while knowing that, something she’d never experienced before, and the thought frightened her. The scariest she’d ever faced was taking school tests, doing job interviews, and applying for college. Even with Aerigo, he’d always been there to protect her. Now he could only watch on and hope she fared better. A gentle wave of tears streamed down the sides of her face.

  “You and your Frava are so beautiful,” he said, his voice thick and sorrowful, “I’m so proud of you.” He ran a hand through one of her wings. She raised it and brushed his tears with a few feathers.

  His voice... his deep, gentle voice. She’d really heard it again. She wanted to resume crying hard but she felt so drained. “Thank you.” Her voice came out hoarse and tired. She was going to have to rest and eat soon, but she wasn’t ready to shut her eyes. What if he had to go as soon as she fell asleep? She didn’t want his stay to be as brief as her father’s. She needed some sort of stability right now. She also wanted to say more than a simple thank you, hav
ing so much she wanted to tell him, but all that crying and being enveloped in his icy embrace must have numbed her brain. Her thoughts came and went slowly as she gazed into his blue-glowing eyes glistening with tears.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  Roxie scrunched her brows. “For what?”

  “For leaving you on your own like that.”

  “I already told you to stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. That order extends to even now.” Oh, god, she was gonna lose it all again if he was going to have another stupid guilt trip. She fumbled with her shield and unlatched the buckles, freeing her arm, and her shield flopped onto the grass. She took hold of Aerigo’s frozen wrists. “You’re the last person I blame for my predicament. You did everything you could to help me stay alive, so please stay strong for me. I need it really bad right now. I’m scared out of my mind and I have many people depending on me to be strong, find a way back to Nexus, and stop him and his war, and I’m not sure how I’m going to do that.”

  “I wish I could help you.”

  “Be strong and supportive. Be with me. That’ll help immensely. I don’t want to be alone right now.”

  Aerigo nodded. “I can do that. I apologize for my misplaced guilt.”

  “Thank you.”

  “How did you get here?”

  Roxie thought a moment, recalling her fall into darkness. “We don’t know, but the god of this realm knows I’m here. I’m supposed to go to him once I’m ready, and in order to be ready, I have to go on my own personal journey, just like the dead. It’s been a rough ride so far but I’m still alive.” She took a deep breath and slowly let it go. “There’s still a chance of me getting back to the living side and acting for the greater good.”

  “I’ll help you in every way I can,” Aerigo said softly, stroking her cheek. “I never wished this responsibility upon you. I’d take it back if I could.”

  “I know. I just wish I wasn’t so scared.” Every time people needed Aerigo’s protection, he acted without hesitation. People relied on him to do his job well and keep everyone safe. Sure he’d struggled to keep Roxie safe but she was still alive because of him. Now that she didn’t have him to fall back on whenever she stumbled or failed, she was frightened out of her mind. “How did you become so brave when it comes to fighting and protecting people?”

  He gave her a sympathetic smile, eyes still glowing blue. “The fear never goes away,” he said, tracing his fingers along her cuirass, even the curves of her chest.

  How she wished she could take both their clothes off and make love with him, but that wasn’t possible anymore.

  “You learn to use fear to fuel your senses and actions. There’s a point where the fear lessens as fighting becomes second nature. It’s a matter of gaining experience, but I believe you have all the courage you need to bypass your inexperience. You always acted with confidence and determination while I trained you, and you faced every challenge head-on. You’ll do the same with Nexus. I know it.” He paused with his hand on her shoulder. “What... happened? After I--” He swallowed. “--died.”

  His words made Roxie’s heart wrench. Hearing him acknowledge his own death brought a fresh wave of tears. She wiped them away and filed through her memories, recalling sharp metal pressed to her throat. “Nexus was about to kill me with your dagger.” Aerigo’s eyes shifted from blue to red and the sight made her smile on the inside. His love for her warmed her broken heart. “But his mother yelled at him to stop and begged him to leave me alone and go talk with her.”

  The glow faded and his eyes widened. “Kara.”

  “She was crying.”

  “So she really isn’t on his side in all this.”

  A familiar voice said, “I never thought she was. She’s too kindhearted for that.”

  Roxie jumped to her feet, yanked her sword from its sheath with a metallic hiss, and slipped into her emotionally detached sate. Despite having talked to Aerigo in a dream, despite having taught him how to unlock Frava, she still didn’t trust Daio.

  He sat next to a large black wolf that watched her with hooded eyes. Neither the wolf or the bear--the Numina--came off as a threat any more than Sekiro did. These were apex predators she was staring at but she could see their humanistic intelligence in their eyes, and that humanized them enough to make her not feel afraid. But Daio? For all she knew he might try to steal her energy like her mother had. Daio wore over a hundred feet of chain fashioned like a cloak over his shoulders, wrapping around his torso, and hanging down his front and back. She pointed her glowing sword at him as heat returned to her body.

  Daio raised his brows. “Wow, she looks impressive. Aerigo, look at her eyes. They’re glowing white.”

  “She does,” Aerigo said, sounding just as impressed.

  Roxie looked over a shoulder, confused by Aerigo’s lack of concern.

  “He’s not an enemy any more than I am,” he said with a shake of his head.

  Daio said, “She doesn’t have to trust me. Besides, I think she really can take Nexus down. Her Frava is incredible, and I agree that she has the courage to do it. Now it’s just a matter of the price we’ll all pay for Nexus’s selfishness.”

  “Mm,” Aerigo agreed unhappily.

  Daio studied Roxie and his pale eyes began to glow blue. “Hit me as many times as you need to if you want. Should make you feel a little better.”

  “You tried to kill me,” she said, sword glowing and ready for a fight.

  “One of my many regrets,” he said unhappily.

  Roxie ignored the apology. “After all that, why did you teach Aerigo how to unlock Frava? It doesn’t make any sense.”

  He started to say something but turned his gaze to Aerigo. “You never told her, did you?” Aerigo shook his head. “You want to now, or do you want me to?”

  Aerigo got to his feet and fixed her with a serious gaze. “What he did makes perfect sense. Nexus was commanding him against his will while he was alive.”

  “He didn’t have to listen!” The same anger that’d fueled her when she’d fought her mother rose again.

  “Let me explain,” Aerigo said calmly. “I never found a good moment to tell you: Aigis have free will, except when it comes to the god that created them. Daio is Nexus’s Aigis. If Daio’s commanded to do something feasible, he’s compelled to obey whether he wants to or not. We are Baku’s Aigis. If he commands us to do something, we’d have to.”

  “Did he command you to go looking for me?”

  “No. Baku’s very careful when he speaks to me. I did as he asked since I saw no better option. I don’t know what it feels like to be commanded against my will. Baku purposely avoided ever doing that.”

  Daio said, “It feels like your body is acting on instinct. You can resist it to an extent, but a command becomes an obsession in a sense. Your actions will eventually lead you obeying on the command. It’s more complicated than that, since I resisted as hard as I could, but that’s the simple explanation. I was commanded to kill both of you back on Earth. You,” he added, point to Roxie, “I didn’t really care about at the time since I didn’t know you but, seeing you now, it’s another regret weighing me down.” He bowed his head. “I’m sorry.”

  Roxie faced Aerigo and lowered her sword, but didn’t feel comfortable enough to sheath it. “Our free will is limited? Why?”

  “It’s part of our design. I apologize for not telling you sooner.”

  Roxie shook her head. “I don’t know what to think of it. Baku isn’t at all like Nexus. I don’t feel like it’ll ever be a problem, but why are we designed like this?”

  “It’s an act of balance. In exchange for the power to kill gods, we give up some of our free will.”

  “Okay.” So long as Nexus couldn’t command her against her will, she didn’t care. She faced Daio again, sword held low. “Why are you covered in chains?”

  He plucked up a length of chain, each link two inches long and as thick as a pencil. “Each link represents a regret I hav
e. Despite how much I was commanded against my will, I was still a horrible person. As you can see, I carry many regrets.”

  All the chains converged over his heart, tied down by several loops of chain, keeping the weight distributed on his shoulders without choking his neck. “It looks like you could easily take them off.”

  “I could.” Daio laboriously pushed to his feet, chains jingling and swaying. It had to be only because of his Aigis strength that he was able to bear so much weight, but then she remembered he was dead. The weight had to be metaphysical, yet he stood slightly hunched. “But I won’t. I intend to spend time on every last regret and seek atonement.”

  Roxie heard the sincerity in his voice, saw it in his eyes, and felt his emotional pain emanating from his soul in waves. Daio was truly sorry for all his mistakes, but she was still angry for his attempt on her life, and for having literally beaten her into the ground while in giant form. She held out her empty hand. “Take some of my energy.”

  He eyed her hand with revulsion. “I don’t deserve any.”

  “I’m not offering out of kindness. I need to hit you.”

  “Ah.” Frowning, he plagued her hand with his icy grip and the black wolf got up and scooted closer to the bear Firsos. “Hit me as many times as you need to.” He absorbed her energy and became more substantial, then let go and stepped back.

  As Roxie switched hands with her sword and felt her eyes heat as they started glowing, Daio paled and said, “Oh, damn.” Roxie threw all her weight into a blow to his temple and he went flying a good twenty feet before hitting the grass with a thump. His chains jangled and pinned him to the ground, stopping him from bouncing far. Roxie took a calming breath, sheathed her sword, and closed the gap between her and Daio, who lay spread eagle, wincing.

  He smiled weakly. “That was one hell of a punch, kid. There are few people besides Aerigo who can hit like that. Land a few of those on Nexus and he’ll drop no problem.”

  Roxie held out her hand again.

  “Just hit me while I’m down. Consider it part of my atonement for what I did to you.”