Determination

by Angela B. Macala-Guajardo

  She shook her head and bent closer. “That’s all I needed. It’s not going to make me feel better to keep hitting you.” Hitting him once hadn’t made her feel better but it’d felt necessary, maybe more for him than for herself. “I don’t hate you but I don’t like you either. Just take my hand and let me help you up.”

  Daio reach for her hand and the weight of his soul took both hands to pull him just to a sitting position, and then all her weight as she counterbalanced him back to his feet. He took her hands in both of his and squeezed them gently. “Thank you. And please know I’m really sorry for all I’ve done to you.”

  “I know. Apology accepted.”

  “You still sound angry.”

  “I am. I just need time.” She tried to free her hands from his icy grip but he squeezed again, still gently.

  “I understand. I never wanted to be the bad guy but that’s how things turned out in life. I’d like to stick around, though, until you’re out of the Realm of the Dead, and give you whatever help I can, but I’ll respect your wishes if you don’t want me to.”

  As much as she wanted help from anyone who could, she still wasn’t sure about Daio. “Let me talk to Aerigo real quick.” Nodding, he released her and she shook out her hands.

  “Was I holding tighter than I thought?”

  “No. You’re freezing cold. You both are.”

  “Oh, sorry. One of the perks of being dead: no need for climate control.”

  Roxie returned to Aerigo, who stood beside Firsos.

  Aerigo said, “It’s not my place to tell you what to do anymore. The decision is up to you.”

  “I know.” God, she wanted to envelop herself in his arms, hide there for a while, and forget about everything else until she felt better. “He’s genuinely sorry for what he’s done but I keep expecting him to be the person who tried to strangle me. I want to trust him but I’m not sure if I can.”

  “He’s free of Nexus’s will in death. He won’t do anything to harm you ever again.”

  “How are you so sure?”

  “I’ve known him for well over three thousand years. I remember the person he was before Nexus corrupted him.”

  “You really think he’s magically back to that person?”

  “Not magically, but yes,” Aerigo said with a nod. “He taught me Frava. That’s proof enough for me.”

  “True.” Daio never had to find a way to leave his grave and teach Aerigo anything but... she faced Daio. “Why didn’t you teach him sooner? Why wait until after you died?”

  “I didn’t know how to unlock Frava until after I died. I spent some time with other Aigis here. They were trying to teach Aerigo themselves, but he obstinately tuned them out, so I persuaded them to teach me so I could try to get him to listen to me. It worked, but Nexus still remains uncontested. So now I want to do whatever I can to help you get back to him and take him down.”

  “I believe you. I’ll give you a chance, but one strike and you’re out. If you revert to the person I know, you’re gone. Understand?”

  “I do. And thank you.” His eyes welled with tears as two links near his feet broke into several pieces and fell into the grass. He looked down. “So my atonement begins.”

  Chapter 12

  Regrets

  Roxie picked up a couple of shards but they turned to dust and got carried away by the breeze. She followed the small dust cloud with her eyes until it got lost in the sea of grass. The sight filled her with a sense of peace and release. Those were two less regrets for one heavy soul. She turned to Sekiro, who stood a respectful distance from Aerigo.

  The Numina gave her a water-eyed smile. “You did the right thing, Roxie.”

  “We’ll see,” she said quietly. She didn’t see anything in it for her, but she didn’t care. If it made Daio feel better, so long as he didn’t try to harm her, then he could stick around all he wanted.

  “Give it time. Remember, we were called here, asked to help.”

  “What about what I need to do to get out of here? This feels like I’m being sidetracked.”

  Sekiro shook her head. “It’s about the journey; not the destination. You’re getting fixated on meeting Thanatos. Trust me when I say your journey will lead you to your destination no matter how roundabout it may seem. And do you remember when I said it may not always seem like I’m helping?”

  Roxie nodded. The Numina had told her that while sitting atop the lighthouse.

  “This is one of those times. You may not believe me right now, but you’ll find strength in Daio’s support. Aerigo is the one who’ll make your journey difficult, although not intentionally. You both need each other right now. Your reunion will help more than hinder both of you in the long run.”

  Roxie didn’t want to think about Aerigo making her journey more difficult. She wanted to see him as an escape from all the pain and struggle, her sanctuary from the rest of the universe and all it threw at her.

  “Now, you look like you need more food and rest. Why don’t you go do that before we hit the next stop?”

  “Okay.” She glanced at Aerigo. “Do you think there’s a way he can come with me?” If the shadow people could show up there, then logically so could he. She was eager to share another meal with him.

  “The white sage might repel him. However, if you invite his soul, he should be able to join you. Just call to him once you’re at your food.”

  Roxie stood before Aerigo and did her best to block the freezing cold as she took his hands in hers. She wanted to press her body to his but his hands were cold enough. Her eyelids felt so heavy, eyes sore and puffy, and her limbs leaden. She quickly explained her food altar to Aerigo and her need to stop and rest now and then. “So I’ll see you in a few. And please don’t forget you’re cold to the touch.”

  “Do Numina feel cold to you, too?”

  “No. They feel normal.”

  He guided her over to Firsos and had her recline against his flank. The bear’s fur was thick, soft, and warm, mercifully warm. She sank into its side like it was one huge pillow. “Sleep well.” He brushed her cheek with his fingers and sat facing her.

  Smiling, Roxie closed her eyes and meditated her way back to her altar, smelling white sage and jasmine before seeing a laden table nearby. Shadow people stood or crouched fifteen feet away, staring intently at her food. Picking up a smudge stick, she marched around the gloom and they drifted away until she couldn’t see them anymore. Their presence frustrated her but she pushed them out of her mind since their incessant pestering was beyond her control. At least she could make them leave.

  She set the smudge stick back in its ceramic bowl, guzzled a full glass of water, and faced the darkness. “Aerigo, please come join me to some food. I don’t know if you can eat but I don’t care. I just want to be with you.”

  Aerigo manifested a few feet away. He met Roxie’s gaze and drew closer to her with open arms but Roxie held up a hand.

  “You’re still going to be freezing cold to me. I’m not dreaming yet.”

  He relaxed his arms. “What is this place?”

  “Somewhere between waking and sleeping. I just shooed off a bunch of unwanted company before I called you to me.” When he gave her a puzzled look, she went on to explain the shadow people and how they were attracted to her energy and food, and what she had to do to stay alive and protect her food. “At least we can eat together again. Are you hungry at all?”

  Aerigo looked at the food. “Are you sure you can spare any?”

  “I want to share it. I can always come back for more. Grandma leaves me food every day. I have no idea how fast or slow time is passing for her but there’s always food for me, so I’m not worried.” A large square of three-layer lasagna awaited them, along with a salad, milk, a pitcher of water, blueberries, and three moist brownies. Roxie picked up a fork and the salad. It had romaine, halved grape tomatoes, colored carrots, walnuts, diced yellow pepper, green onion, and all of it coated in wonderful-smelling balsamic vinaigrette. She jabbe
d a forkful and held it up to Aerigo’s mouth.

  “You absolutely sure?” he said.

  She fed him the salad and his hands drifted to her hips. She tried not to wince but a gasp escaped her throat and his hands retracted.

  Aerigo swallowed. “I apologize. It’s so easy to forget.”

  “It’s fine. Trust me, I wish you weren’t freezing cold.” She popped a wan smile and held up another forkful.

  He gently pushed aside the fork with a finger. “Apparently I need very little now. I feel almost full already.”

  “Wow.” How ironic. After all this time of amazing her with how much he could eat, now he was amazing her with how little he needed.

  He took the fork and bowl from her hands and stepped closer, intimately close.

  Roxie accepted bite after bite, her hands drifting to his waist and getting repelled by his chill. She held onto him in short bursts as her stomach slowly filled and she began to feel drowsier. Aerigo took a bite of lasagna and fed her the rest. Grandma’s masterful blend of cheese, sauce, meat, and vegetables tasted so hearty all the way down, and Aerigo’s loving gaze made her melt. This was the escape she needed. She felt like she could shed tears of joy.

  Once the lasagna was gone, she downed another glass of water and held the blueberries bowl between them. They took turns feeding each other sweet, juicy morsels, smiling away and Aerigo playfully biting her fingers a few times. She bit him back, getting an “ow” out of him once, and they both laughed.

  Roxie polished off the brownies after giving Aerigo the one bite he’d take, downed her milk, and wiped her face with a napkin. “Thank you. I really needed that.”

  “You’re quite welcome. And thank you for sharing.” He stood with his face inches away from hers, his desire to kiss her so obvious with his eyes darting to her lips every few seconds.

  How badly she wanted to kiss him until she couldn’t stay awake. “Please watch over me.”

  He kissed her on the forehead. “Of course.”

  Unable to hold herself back anymore, she rose onto her tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. He was freezing cold but still soft. They both inhaled and Roxie settled back down. Aerigo leaned in and stopped with his lips close enough to hers where she could feel the cold emanating from him.

  “One more?” he whispered.

  They kissed again, a little longer, until Roxie slowly pulled back. It was so bittersweet but she didn’t regret it as she curled up at the base of her altar. Aerigo sat protectively close and began his watch over her.

  * * *

  Roxie woke to her wings and back cushioned by fur, a gentle breeze tickling her face, and a sense of longing filling the air. Her heart was heavy but she felt well enough to keep plodding forward and face her next challenge.

  Aerigo and Daio sat side by side with their backs to Roxie, conversing in subdued voices. Daio said, “Do you think you’ll ever forgive me for all I’ve done? I know I don’t deserve it but I still hope you’ll forgive me one day.”

  Aerigo sat quietly, thinking, then said, “What do you regret most?”

  “All the pain I’ve caused you and myself,” he admitted. “I regret my meddling with the Balvadiers that resulted in Sandra’s death. I was only trying to keep you distracted. That’s it.”

  Roxie’s eyes widened. Daio had been the indirect cause of Sandra’s death and Aerigo could stomach his company? That seemed like her befriending Nexus after what he did to Aerigo. She’d wanted nothing to do with him no matter how much he apologized. How could Aerigo look past all that so easily?

  “I regret hurting your girlfriend, too,” Daio said, pointing over his shoulder with a thumb.

  Roxie didn’t consider herself Aerigo’s girlfriend. She was more of a missed opportunity but she kept quiet when Aerigo didn’t correct him.

  “Making things worse at every turn, instead of better. Going out of my way to make your life difficult--granted I was commanded to, but I was so bitter that I sought enjoyment from your misery. However, I never found any, unlike what we did during the first thousand years of our lives. Those were the greatest, doing my best to follow in my big brother’s footsteps. But I carry regrets from even then.” The two exchanged sorrowful glances. “I envied you endlessly. Envied how you were always stronger, faster, the better fighter, envied how you were always more liked, how you could always do the right thing while I gravitated towards havoc. I hated you so much years later, when you unlocked Mana, but at the same time I felt terrible for what my actions put you through. I hated myself as much as I hated you. I still hate who I am. I wasted so much of my life making one mistake after another. I just... I just--” He sighed in frustration. “Damn it. Just be my big brother again.” He punched Aerigo in the shoulder, knocking him onto his side.

  Aerigo righted himself and landed a thrust punch to one of Daio’s kidneys.

  Doubling over, Daio let out a pain-filled groan and clutched his side. “Did you really have to go for the kidney?”

  “As your big brother, yes,” Aerigo said calmly.

  Daio let out a laugh. “Thanks,” he said sincerely. “I owe you so much.”

  “Help Rox.”

  “I will as best I can.” He straightened up. “However, I feel my soul’s journey tugging at me to begin. I’ll put it off as long as I can for her sake.”

  “If at any point you absolutely have to go, I’ll understand. I feel my own journey tugging at me but right now I can’t bring myself to leave Rox. I know it’s not my fault she’s alone in taking on Nexus but I want to be with her for as long as I can. I refuse to leave her side until she’s safely out of this realm.”

  “Be careful or you run the risk of getting stuck in limbo.”

  Limbo? Did Daio mean Aerigo would become like her mother or the shadow people? Roxie didn’t want that to happen, but at the same time she didn’t want Aerigo to leave either.

  “I know. It’s worth the risk. It’s more important that I support and help prepare her in any way possible to face Nexus. I want to give her the best chance of saving as many lives as possible.”

  “And that attitude is one reason why I envied and often hated you.” Daio looked ahead. “Being the selfless good guy comes so naturally to you, but I’m just as selfish as my master.”

  “He’s not your master anymore.”

  “I know. I just... I wonder how much of my personality is my nature, and how much of it is a reflection of who he is. We Aigis inherit part of our maker’s personalities. Now that I’m dead, I’m not sure who I am anymore.”

  “Then be who you want to be.”

  “I’m afraid of disappointing you and hurting Rox. What if creating chaos is in my nature and I do something stupid again?”

  “Do you want to create chaos?”

  “No, but--”

  “Then don’t. I don’t believe chaos is in your nature.”

  “But--”

  Aerigo punched Daio in the side, making him double over again. “You like mischief and verbal banter. You like knocking people off kilter; not starting wars and killing for the fun of it. Trust me on this. I still remember when you were little, you were terrorizing this town back on Durna. When I took you under my wing, you straightened out into a good, compassionate person.”

  “I vaguely remember that. Gods, that was funny watching farmers chase their chickens all over the village, and try to figure out how their pigs got on top of barns.”

  “See? That’s all harmless mischief.”

  Daio looked away the humor left his voice. “What did your parents do when your eyes started glowing?”

  Roxie understood that Daio meant age five. Her eyes hadn’t developed that trait until around then.

  Aerigo said, “They reacted with typical Durnite superstition and abandoned me, fearing I’d attract the Deathbringer to their home.” He shook his head. “They dumped me off the side of a road by a forest, my father punched me in the head and told me to never come back. So I didn’t. I found other places to li
ve, until they either kicked me out or chased me off at sword point.”

  “I’m sorry to hear.”

  Roxie felt sorry, too. She wanted to get up and wrap him in a hug until she couldn’t stand the cold, but she more wanted to listen a little longer. She was getting to know the two of them a little better. However, she was worried about trusting Daio if he was struggling to trust himself.

  “What did your parents do?” Aerigo said.

  “They thought I was a demon child who’d eaten their baby and taken its place. My father tried to strangle me. I don’t remember the choking sensation, but I remember my fear and confusion. We don’t have much in the way of enhanced strength at that age, but I was strong enough to break my father’s grip. He came at me a second time and I punched him in the face. There was this horrible crack, he went down, and then I heard this bloodcurdling scream. My mother had watched the whole thing. The look of absolute terror in her eyes turns my stomach to this day.

  “I ran away after that, and it wasn’t until years later that I understood that I’d killed someone.”

  “You acted out of self defense.”

  “I landed a killing blow at age five.”

  “It still doesn’t mean you’re innately evil and chaotic.”

  Daio thought a moment and let out a sad sigh. “I guess not. But still, please keep a close eye on me. I don’t want to do anything to harm her.” He looked over his shoulder and his eyes widened. He let go of his shins and faced her. “Well, look who’s awake. How long have you been eavesdropping?”

  Roxie sank into Firsos’ fur and said nothing.

  Aerigo twisted around. “She heard most of it. Firsos let me know when she woke and suggested we keep talking. All three Numina wanted her to listen.”

  Daio looked at the black wolf curled up by Firsos’ head. “Gee, thanks a lot, Kiowa!” he said sarcastically. “Just let me pour my heart out in front of an audience.”

  Kiowa twitched her ears back and looked right into Daio’s eyes.

  “That was not necessary.”

  Either Roxie missed the wolf speak, or it was using telepathy or something.