Determination

by Angela B. Macala-Guajardo

  “Have you forgotten that you’re on another god’s realm at this very moment?”

  Sekiro said, “Roxie, Thanatos is the keeper of time. Since he knows you’re here, he has to know what’s going on in the living side. Trust him to know what he’s doing with time flow.”

  “But I’ve been feeling this need to hurry the whole time I’ve been here.” She’d first noticed it during their chat atop the lighthouse.

  “That’s most likely because of your connection to Earth’s time flow. I don’t know how to explain this to you well. I’m sorry.”

  “So then what about the part where you and my dad’s Numina agreed that seeing Thanatos is a gamble? What does he care about me and what I’m trying to do if killing me after we meet is an option?”

  “The odds of that depend on you and your journey through the realm of the dead,” she said patiently. “All souls are judged by him. I am trying to help you get out of here alive. Please calm down.”

  Roxie made herself take a deep breath. She felt anything but calm, but she had to admit she felt like only either days or hours had gone by for her in this place. She had no clue how long she’d slept each time.

  “Trust your Numina,” Ron said in a soothing voice.

  “I do,” she said, taking another deep breath. “I’m just scared of failing. I don’t want to show up too late to make a difference. People are dying while I’m stuck here.”

  “You won’t,” he said with a shake of his head. “It would be best if you return before the war ends, but things can still be salvaged if you can’t. Taking down Nexus is key to setting things right.”

  Sekiro said, “I bet Thanatos knows the consequences. Why would he bother setting you on your own journey through here if he didn’t?”

  Memory of the moment where Roxie fought against Nexus and him willing her to die replayed in her head. She’d fought his will and ended up here. Had... “Sekiro, do you think it’s possible I ended up here because of Thanatos?”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Nexus was willing me to die but I fought his will and ended up among the dead, still alive. Maybe Thanatos pulled me here to save me and help me prepare to face Nexus.”

  “Maybe. You’re going to have to ask him for the truth.”

  “I’m not sure I believe your theory,” Ron said. “Frava gives an Aigis all the power he or she needs, and you either win the battle of wills or you don’t. Aerigo had Nexus beat, until he lost track of his own dagger.” Ron shook his head. “By the sound of it, your battle of wills put you here, unless I’m mistaken.”

  “But I felt something pull me down,” Roxie said. She remembered a giant, invisible hand grabbing her torso before everything went black.

  “Then maybe you’re right. But whatever the truth, it’s clear we can’t bestow all the knowledge we have on you. You must rely purely on your own wit and strength of will against Nexus. I’m sorry. I and the others were hoping to be of more help.”

  “It’s alright.” Well, it was and it wasn’t, but it was going to have to be. If Frava gave her the power to stand up to the will of a god, then hopefully Ron was right in believing that’s all she needed to win. “In the meantime, I’d like to take a moment to let my grandmother know I’m alive and to keep feeding me.”

  * * *

  Sekiro helped send Roxie’s soul back to the living side while her body remained in the realm of the dead. She manifested inside a sprawling office she didn’t recognize, with a noise machine humming in one corner. And once again, Sekiro was nowhere to be seen.

  Luis was seated at a large desk, yawning, a medium cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee in hand. He rubbed his eyes and slurped his drink, then set it next to his iPhone. Roxie recognized New York City’s sky scrapers outside the window. So they were in his New York office.

  Roxie cleared her throat, hoping it was a gentle enough announcement of her arrival.

  Luis looked at her and let out a startled yelp as he jumped. “Jesus!” He rubbed his face and got up. “You scared the heck out of me, Roxie. It’s been ages. What are you doing here and how did you pop into my office like that?” He rounded his desk and wrapped her in a hug.

  A warm hug, her first one in ages. She sagged with relief, until Luis flinched.

  “Oh! You’re cold again. Are you still in the spirit realm?” He stepped back and put his hands on his hips, studying her.

  “Yeah. How long has it been since the last time we talked?” She mostly believed what Sekiro had said, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to accept that so much time had really gone by.

  Luis reached over and pressed a button on his phone. “It’s September sixteenth, so it’s been over a year. Do you need food again?”

  Roxie shook her head as she tried to wrap her brain around so much time passing without her notice. Part of her insisted that it wasn’t true. No more than a few days had passed. She hadn’t been there to witness an entire year having gone by, so it couldn’t have happened. However, Luis had given her the same answer as Sekiro without knowing it. “How’s my grandmother doing?”

  “She’s worried about you. Have a seat.” He gestured to a guest chair, sat at his desk, and took a sip of coffee.

  Taking a seat in the maroon leather chair, Roxie noticed the aroma of French vanilla permeating the air and now she found herself wanting a cup of tea.

  “We talk about once a month and we finally met in person this past summer. I stopped by her house several times. She enjoyed my visits for the most part, but I could tell she was preoccupied with worrying about you. She mentioned someone named Baku and how he hasn’t talked to her either.”

  Roxie’s heart reached out to her grandmother. She sounded so lonely and scared, on top of worried. “I wish I could talk to her myself.”

  “You can,” Sekiro’s disembodied voice said from somewhere behind Roxie. “I can teach you how to possess Luis, if that doesn’t make either of you uncomfortable. It’s something benevolent souls usually avoid but I think it’s a good idea right now.”

  The idea appealed to her, strange and invasive as it sounded. To be able to hold a direct conversation with Grandma after all this time, ease her worries herself, instead of having someone do it for her. She was willing to do just about anything to make her grandmother happier. She looked at Luis. “I’ll gladly do that if you’ll let me.”

  “Of course I consent,” he said with a nod and looked past Roxie, his gaze searching. “It won’t hurt, will it?”

  “Just make you tired,” Sekiro said. “She’ll be using your energy to talk and move.”

  “Alright then. Let’s do it.” He pulled his desk phone to him and brought up Grandma’s number in his cell phone’s contact list.

  Sekiro guided them through the steps, describing to Roxie how to take over by “stepping into his body.” It was a simple concentration exercise that sounded easy enough. The Numina then went on to warn Luis of how his mind would go to sleep during it all, and that he wouldn’t recall anything while Roxie was in control. Sekiro would have Roxie stop the possession before she used up too much energy. And that was it.

  Nodding, Luis dialed Grandma’s number and put the phone on speaker. Roxie stood behind him, clutching his chair as her heart pounded a million times per ring. She was going to be able to talk to family again. It felt like such a long time but not quite a year. Man, the day she’d left home felt so long ago.

  “Hello?” Grandma’s voice said through the speaker and Roxie’s heart leapt. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed her grandmother’s voice.

  Luis leaned closer to the phone. “Good morning, Eve. It’s Luis. I have your granddaughter here with me today.”

  Grandma took a sharp intake of breath. “Is she alive? Have I been feeding her enough?” Her voice came out thin, like she was on the verge of tears and that made Roxie’s throat tighten.

  “She’s still alive and well, and I’m going to let her talk to you herself. She’s going to take possession of my body. J
ust give us a moment.”

  “Oh. Um. Alright.” She sniffed.

  Luis sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. “Ready when you are, Roxie.”

  Roxie took a deep breath as she studied the back of Luis’s head. His short sandy hair grew out in a swirl from a specific point near the top. “Ready.” She closed her eyes, leaned forward, and her head merged with his, the joining feeling like she’d dunked her head underwater. Her limbs and torso drifted forward, until they aligned with Luis’s, and she felt like she was floating in bath water. When she opened her eyes, she was looking out from within Luis’s body. She gasped and clenched the armrests, and she felt the leather under her grip. No superhuman strength at the moment, thankfully, or she probably would’ve gouged the fistfuls off without meaning to. She was back on the living side, but in the wrong body. If only she could transfer all her Aigis powers to Luis’s body and take on Nexus right now.

  “Roxie?” Grandma asked, unsure.

  “Hi, Grandma.” Her voice sounded like Luis’s, but higher-pitched, like he was trying to sound girly.

  “Oh, Roxie.” Her voice became choked with tears and she spoke between sobs. “I’ve been so worried about you.”

  “I’m still alive,” she said in a thin voice, trying not to cry, “but I’m still stuck in the spirit realm. I would’ve spoken with you sooner but I didn’t know how fast time was moving for you. It’s felt like only a day or two has gone by for me.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Yeah. I don’t know how to explain it. But anyway, thank you for all the food and please keep feeding me.”

  “I will.”

  “I’m still working on getting out of here. I don’t know how much longer this’ll take, so be prepared to keep feeding me for years, but at least I’ve been making progress.”

  “Where’s Aerigo?”

  Roxie tripped over the question, then realized she should’ve expected it. Of course Grandma wanted to know where Aerigo was. He was supposed to train and protect Roxie. How could she bring herself to tell her grandmother that he was gone, that Roxie was all alone and had to fend for herself? “He’s still with me. He’s helping me.” At least that much was true.

  “Good. That makes me feel better to hear.”

  Roxie teared up and felt a strong need to confess the whole truth, but she just couldn’t. Grandma sounded like she hadn’t caught the extra strain in Roxie’s voice. Then again, how could she? Her voice through Luis had been tight the entire time. Roxie took deep breaths but couldn’t stop herself from sniffing as much as Grandma. “Luis said he visited you several times. H?” Now that the most important information had been passed on, she craved small talk, to catch up on all that she’d missed. She reached for the tissue box parked near the iMac.

  Grandma regaled her with everything she’d been doing, including repainting the house’s exterior. Roxie badly to see home. Maybe even take a break from being an Aigis and be just plain Roxie for a bit, but that wasn’t possible anytime soon. Grandma brought her up to speed on all that’d happened over the past year, including the Youtube videos of Aerigo, and how people were still reporting sightings of him. It was amusing and heartbreaking. There would never be a true sighting again.

  Grandma asked about all that’d happened after Roxie left. Roxie told her the same story she’d told Sekiro, avoiding mention of Aerigo’s death when that part came. Grandma took in the story with fascination and worry, yet marveled at how much Roxie had grown, and admired her fortitude. Shortly after she finished the story, Sekiro pressed her to wrap up the conversation before Luis lost too much energy.

  “You have so much courage, Rox. I’m really proud of you.”

  “Thank you, Grandma. I’m trying real hard to do what I have to do.”

  “I hope we get to see each other again. I’ve known ever since I got that letter from Baku that I may never after that day, so talking with you today has been a real gift.”

  “It has. I miss you a lot. Please stay strong for me.”

  “I will. I miss you, too. This talk has really helped. And you stay strong as well.”

  “I will. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Good bye.”

  “Bye.” Roxie hung up the phone, closed her eyes, and imagined herself floating backwards, out of Luis’s body. She felt herself drift and a hand guide her back to her feet, and the sensation of floating in water vanished. The carpeted floor held her up and she opened her eyes, finding herself standing behind Luis with Sekiro nowhere in sight. She rounded the desk and stood by the two guest chairs, her heart heavy.

  Luis rubbed his face, yawned deeply and picked up his coffee, eyes half open. “I’m assuming by how tired, cold, and stuffy I feel that you’ve already spoken with your grandmother, and it was a bit tearful.”

  Roxie nodded. “Thank you so much. That meant a lot to us both. She feels much better now.”

  “That’s good to hear. Glad to have helped.” He slurped some coffee and wiped his face with a tissue. He retrieved his fall jacket from the back of his chair and put it on. “Man, I’m freezing. I hope we get to meet again in person.”

  “So do I,” she said, meaning it.

  “And Aerigo, too. My whole crew from that ship wants to meet him.” He rubbed his arms, as if trying to warm himself up.

  A lump forming in her throat, Roxie looked away. She watched in her peripheral as Luis’s confusion slowly shifted to realization.

  He frowned and sank lower into his chair. “Oh, no.”

  A sob escaped her. The sadness in his voice tore at her heart.

  Luis got up, went around his desk, and wrapped her in a warm-bodied hug. “I’m so sorry, Roxie.” He let go and rubbed his arms. “I’d hug you longer but you’re ice cold.”

  “I understand. It’s alright.”

  “May I ask what happened, or is the memory too raw?”

  “It’s too raw,” she admitted in a tight whisper and he pulled her into another hug.

  “Is there anything else I can do to help?”

  “Keep helping my grandma and please don’t tell her about Aerigo. I don’t want her to worry.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  They bid each other farewell and Sekiro guided Roxie back to the realm of the dead. The Numina pulled her forehead away and looked at Roxie with tears in her silver eyes. Roxie turned to Aerigo, who was sitting against Firsos, watching her. He got up and stood before her, and she pulled him into a hug. The cold stung but she needed to feel him in her arms, press her body to his, and hold on tight. Be with him. He returned the hug, though tentatively, ready to let go at a moment’s notice. She buried her face in the meat of his shoulder and tried to freeze away the tears that wanted out.

  “What happened?” Aerigo asked.

  Roxie told him and he hugged her tighter.

  Ron said, “Perhaps we should skip our talk and let you go to your next destination. Your stay in the spirit realm is taking quite the toll on you.”

  “No,” Roxie said, turning her face so she could see over Aerigo’s arm. “I need to help you. I want to experience better things than anger, sadness, and regret here. I want to see all of you happy and at peace. I’m so tired of all this death and pain.”

  “Well then,” he said, “take all the time you need to compose yourself, then we’ll go to my home world’s spirit realm, and hopefully grant you happiness’s boon.”

  She straightened up and looked into Aerigo’s deep blue eyes, their faces only inches apart. “Please come eat with me again. I need your company.”

  “Of course.” He kissed her forehead.

  Roxie felt herself break into a small smile. Despite all she was going through, she wasn’t alone and she was loved. Aerigo guided her to sit up against Firsos as he sat before her, cross-legged. She meditated her way back to her food, invited Aerigo once she was certain no shadow people were around, and he fed her shepherd’s pie made with sweet and red potatoes, some creamy pear soup, and a soft, gooey cinnamon bun
for dessert. Roxie told Aerigo about Grandma and Luis once all the food was gone, including the false sightings of him. “It’s hard for me to tell people you’re gone. I know it won’t make it any less true, but I hate it. I want you back so bad.”

  “Shh.” He kissed her on the lips. “I can always reincarnate.”

  “But I’ll have all these memories you won’t have. It’ll be so strange.”

  “I had a feeling you wouldn’t like the idea either. I wasn’t eager to suggest it but I’d love to be with you again. Revival is the only way I’d go back unchanged, but I took a fatal blow to the chest, so it’s not possible. I’ll talk with Firsos and see what options I have. In the meantime, you rest. Stay strong.”

  Options? Roxie tried to not get too optimistic as Aerigo gave her one last kiss and she curled up to at the base of her altar. Despite the thoughts racing through her head, fatigue guided her towards sleep.

  Chapter 15

  Messenger and Message

  Roxie woke to find herself curled against Firsos, her head propped up on a large foreleg and she clutching a fistful of fur near her nose. She sat up, facing the bear, and spotted her sword and shield beside her. She didn’t remember removing them, much less lying down, but she wasn’t concerned. Aerigo had probably done all that.

  Firsos studied her with his dark, intelligent eyes. Roxie felt so small beside the bear. It had paws as big as her head and jaws that could open wide enough to crack her skull. Instinct insisted she should be terrified. She had to admit she felt a trace of fear; however, she felt more awe and respect for the Numina. And a little embarrassed with herself.

  “Sorry. I keep using you like a fluffy pillow and I haven’t even asked if you mind.”

  “He doesn’t mind,” Aerigo said from behind her. “He’s happy to help and give you comfort.”

  Picking up her sword and shield, Roxie got to her feet. “Well, then thank you, Firsos,” she said, even though she understood the bear wouldn’t respond directly to her. It lazily blinked and rose to all-fours, bringing its beach ball-sized head level with her sternum. Roxie secured her sword belt around her waist as Aerigo graced her with a kiss to the forehead, making her smile. That reminds me... “I still haven’t dreamed of you. In fact, I don’t remember a single dream from ever since I’ve been here.”