Determination

by Angela B. Macala-Guajardo

  She’d held her ground for close to a minute. “So then I am a match for you?” It was more a statement than a question.

  “Very much so. I was merely trying to intimidate you, rob you of your confidence.”

  “Oh, I get it now.”

  “Now do you begin to grasp how this is more of a mental than physical battle?”

  “Yes.” She’d be ready for him next time.

  “I know it may seem like I’m teaching you backwards, but you need to learn to react, instead of think too much. Your will is incredibly strong. I’m doing my best to prepare you in the limited amount of time we have.”

  “How much time do we have?”

  “That’s up to Thanatos. Now...” He backed up a few steps. “One more lesson before we put it all together. Frava is powerful when exerting our will through thoughts, yet it is far more powerful when spoken. Why there’s a difference between thought and spoken will, I don’t know. All I do know is that it’s just how it works for both gods and Aigis. You weren’t able to glean this from the War of Creationism since there was no air to carry sound. While we didn’t have language back during the War, we could make sounds. It was a very vocal fight for both sides. Anyway. Be careful of what you say when fully embracing Frava. Your words will exert your will on those who it is directed at. You have to be wary of this only when you feel your eyes glowing.”

  “Okay.” Come to think of it, she’d suddenly tilted the struggle in her favor when she’d verbally told the shadow people and her mother to let go. No resistance, no struggle, no talking or fighting back. She’d told them to leave and they had like they’d had choice in the matter. And she’d exerted her will on dozens of people at once...

  “You can exert your will on both gods and mortals. You could become a tyrant and enslave whole worlds to do your bidding. However, gods won’t stand by and let you run rampant. They will find a way to bring you down if old age doesn’t first. Olod took a huge risk in giving mortals Frava. You don’t give me the impression that tyranny is in your character makeup, so I won’t lecture you further, but it’s important that you understand how powerful you are.”

  It was rather intimidating. “Hopefully I’ll never need Frava again after Nexus.”

  “Hopefully no Aigis ever will. The best weapon is the one you have to use only once.”

  Daio said, “I thought it was the one you never have to use.”

  Nero shook his head. “Curiosity is a natural thing. An unused weapon breeds temptation to test the unknown. Every weapon will be used at least once. It’s the way of the universe.”

  “The pros and cons of curiosity,” Daio said thoughtfully.

  “Correct.” Nero faced Roxie and lowered into a fighting stance. “Your lessons are complete. It’s time for doing. Don’t hold back.” Eyes glowing white, he came at her with his fists and his will whispering in her head to fight him and fight hard.

  Slipping back into her emotionally detached state and feeling her eyes glow, Roxie used her sword and shield to defend and fight back. Nero pressed her with everything he had and Roxie fought back, determined to prove to herself and to everyone that she could take on Nexus. She willed Nero to falter, stumble, miss, fall, or slow down, trying to break his momentum and balance with shield blocks, along with sneak inside his defenses with her glowing sword.

  She doubted her sword fighting looked pretty but it didn’t matter. She imagined her sword piercing through Nero’s defenses with every swing, but he willed her blows to harmlessly fall away. She began changing how she used her sword and shield, sometimes blocking with her blade and imagining the edge slicing Nero’s pale flesh, and punching with her shield and imagining him stagger. She began to force him to go on the defensive as much as he did her, but no matter how hard she fought and threw her will at him, they kept reaching a stalemate.

  Roxie still hadn’t exerted her will through spoken word. She wanted to but it was talking all her concentration to fight and mentally exert it. Was she tiring? Surprisingly not. Despite their intensity and moving at superhuman speed, Frava gave her incredible stamina. This realization fueled her determination to find a way to win.

  Nero wanted her to speak her will. He was waiting for it and already had a move prepared. He wanted her to speak first but he would wait only so long before his patience ran out.

  Not wanting to test his patience, Roxie built herself up to verbally exerting her will, meeting all his lightning-fast attacks with her own. They clashed, reached a stalemate by holding each other off with their wills, and broke apart. When Nero came at her again, Roxie sucked in a deep breath. Swinging her shield and imagining him falling backwards, she yelled “Fall!” at the same time as Nero yelled “Stop!” Nero fell onto his back as if he’d run into an invisible wall and bounced off it, and Roxie’s body froze mid-swing.

  Hitting the ground made Nero’s concentration falter. Roxie forced her body to move and lowered her shield. For a moment she thought they were pausing in their fight, but the focus in Nero’s glowing-eyed gaze warned her to keep going. He got back up.

  “Stay!” The ground shook and Nero’s body froze.

  “Release me!” The ground shook and his words felt like a blow to Roxie’s chest, and like gravity had suddenly increased like positive g’s on a roller coaster.

  “Kneel!” The word escaped her lips before she realized what she’d said. Nero’s knees hit the ground hard and rock shattered. The sight made her lose concentration. She didn’t want to hurt him, despite how fiercely they both fought.

  Nero surged back to his feet and came at her. “Lie down!”

  Roxie dropped onto her back, bashing against the ground from sheer force of will. The impact rattled her but she slipped back into her emotionally detached state and flung out an arm. “Fly!” She sent Nero over her head and out of sight as the ground shook under her wings and back. Rolling onto her stomach, Roxie pushed back to her feet. Nero dived into a somersault, found his footing as well, and the fight began anew. They fought and knocked each other down over and over, and Roxie grew familiar with exerting her will as her self confidence increased. Building up her concentration to speak her will came faster and easier, as did reacting to Nero’s will. She would fight him until she either won or they both grew too tired to continue. She wasn’t sure how she would beat him, but she’d find a way by never giving up.

  Nero backed out of Roxie’s series of attacks, stopped trying to knock her down, and his eyes stopped glowing. Roxie stopped attacking but held her sword and shield ready for more.

  “We are done. I felt your determination to win no matter what. Hold onto that in your fight with Nexus and all others. That’s the attitude you need to win.” He closed his eyes and let go of his Frava, becoming clothed in just his loincloth with flaps. “All will be indebted to you, mortal and divine, if you succeed in defeating Nexus.”

  Roxie took a calming breath and sheathed her sword. “I’ll do everything I can. I have to try.”

  Aerigo and the others stood by the edge of the rocky plain, watching on, with the water splayed out behind them. Roxie and Nero headed to them while catching their breath. Even though she wasn’t tired, exerting so much energy had gotten her blood pumping. When they stopped before the others, Aerigo looked up at her, chest swelling with pride, eyes glistening.

  “You’ve grown up so much since the day I met you. I’m so proud. I believe in your ability to beat Nexus, Rox.”

  “She’s on an even playing field now,” Nero said. “There’s nothing more any of us can do to help her, but hope.”

  Roxie felt the back of her skirt move. Daio stood behind her, barely taller than her knees, and looking up her skirt. She swatted his hand and pulled her skirt close. She had spandex shorts underneath, but still...

  “Nice glutes you got there,” Daio said, smiling.

  Sassy stormed over and swatted the back of his head. He stepped away, clutching his head. “Stop being rude!”

  Ron folded his arms. “I stand
by my observation that his sense of propriety is lacking.”

  “I couldn’t help it,” Daio said with a guilty grin.

  “Look but don’t touch next time,” Sassy said.

  “Yes, ma’am.” He grabbed a handful of Sassy’s rear and she jumped and swatted him again. Daio laughed. “Aerigo, I’d be quite jealous if Sassy weren’t so lovely.”

  She scowled at him but broke into a smile. “It’s so hard to stay angry with you and your honeyed tongue.”

  “Oh, I’m irresistible, babe. As are you.” They shared a kiss.

  Nero’s head jerked back and he looked like he was standing in a shadow. He looked at Roxie with dark eyes that weren’t his own and spoke in a deep, intimidating voice that wasn’t his. “Come, Roxie Lohr. Prepare yourself to stand before me and receive my judgement.” Eyes closing, Nero’s head rolled forward. He stood still a moment, then looked up with his own blue eyes. “Our time together has come to a close. I won’t delay your journey. It was an honor and a pleasure teaching you, Roxie.” He backed away and crossed his arms over his chest. “Stay strong, and always remember: your task is not impossible.”

  “Thank you for everything, Nero. And I won’t forget.”

  “You’re very welcome. Thank you for the hope you’ve given me. Farewell. All of you.” Bowing his head, he crouched like he was sitting on an invisible chair and lifted his feet off the ground. He stayed suspended midair as he curled into fetal position. The flaps to his loincloth lengthened and wrapped around his entire body, encasing him, and turned white and solid, looking like a seed again. Glowing bands of green light poured out from the top and zigzagged their way down, diving into the ground from the base.

  Goodbye. Roxie found herself missing Nero already. He was so kind, compassionate, and helpful, good energy to be around. She reverted to her normal height, her body feeling like it was going down on an elevator and hitting the ground floor when she was done. When she opened her eyes, Aerigo was taller than her again. She walked over and he wrapped her in his frozen arms, and she hugged him back.

  He kissed her temple. “I can’t find the words to express how amazed and proud I am.”

  “You don’t have to say anything. I saw it in your eyes and I feel it in the way you’re holding me.” Cold as his body was, she didn’t want to leave his arms.

  He pressed his cheek to her head and held on tight.

  “So where do we all go now?”

  Releasing her, Aerigo gently held her by the upper arms and gazed at her with blue-glowing eyes. Roxie felt her own start glowing as her heart sank.

  “Roxie,” Sekiro said sorrowfully.

  Roxie made herself face the Numina, even though she didn’t want to hear her suspicions confirmed.

  “We can’t go with you. You have to face Thanatos alone. It’s the way he works.”

  She went wide-eyed. “You can’t come with me either?”

  Sekiro shook her head. “I went to him once for my soul’s judgement, before I became a Numina. All souls stand before him sooner or later. Everyone here will when they’re ready, and you will one day, after you die.”

  Roxie’s chest grew tight and she forced herself to take deep, slow breaths, but each one felt like a knife going down her throat. This was happening so suddenly.

  “I’m sorry. It’s time to say goodbye to everyone.”

  She forced herself to take a few more deep breaths so she could speak in an even voice. “Would it be alright if I ate and rested one last time?”

  “I was about to suggest it. He wants you fully prepared to meet him.”

  Roxie traced Aerigo’s lips with her gaze and looked into his handsome blue eyes. “One more?”

  Chapter 20

  Goodbyes

  When Roxie woke, she still felt tired enough to fall back asleep. She rolled onto her other side and settled back down, feeling feathers against her face and arms, fur against her knees, and legs under her head. She opened her eyes and Aerigo stroked her hair as he smiled down at her. Because one wing lay between them, she was insulated from his coldness. He took a deep breath and began singing a light and loving tune in another language.

  Ferah ani nah besha fahni,

  Ferah ari hah serah santi,

  Ferah ali yaw kera fahno,

  Arito... Arito...

  This was the first time she’d ever heard him sing. She couldn’t look away from his blue eyes. He stroked her hair slowly as he sang, his voice deep and resonant, gentle and loving. The language sounded familiar, like Chinese. She hadn’t expected him to be able to sing, much less want to sing to her. She dared not move, fearing it might ruin the moment.

  A second and third stanza followed, sounding similar to the first and just as sweet. Aerigo’s voice rose and fell through the notes, his tempo even and patient, and the words carried across the rocky plain. He sang through a fourth stanza and the notes became longer, drawing out before coming to a close.

  Aerigo fell silent and smiled as he stroked her hair and cheek.

  Roxie wanted him to keep singing. The silence sounded empty. His voice had been so round and full. “That was beautiful,” she said softly.

  “It’s a Scondish love song. Yayu taught it to me years ago. He sang it to Napora before they married. I can translate but it doesn’t sound as pretty.”

  “I’d still like to hear it.”

  Aerigo collected his thoughts. “The song is called ‘Always’.” He began speaking the lyrics, pausing after each line.

  From the first kiss,

  From your sweet words,

  From all the warm hugs,

  Always... Always...

  From the blushing sky,

  To the deepest sea,

  And every breath in between,

  Always... Always...

  From your head’s crown,

  To your toe’s tips,

  And every heartbeat in between,

  Always... Always...

  I love you with all my soul.

  Such joy will never fade.

  I love you unconditionally

  Because you are the greatest blessing in my life.

  When he fell silent again, Roxie said, “I love you, too. I always will no matter what. Thank you for the song. And for everything.”

  Aerigo pulled her upright and cupped her cheek. Roxie closed her eyes and they kissed. His lips and hand were ice cold but she did her best to block it out, determined to share a tender moment. They exchanged a few short kisses and held their faces close. She could feel the cold emanating from him, see his desire for her in his handsome eyes.

  Her last chance to dream of being with him had come and gone without any excitement. If she’d dreamed at all, she didn’t remember anything. Before falling asleep, they’d shared a meal of homemade pizza and spoken little. She felt like she had so much to say now, but everything she thought of sounded so random and pointless, a desperate attempt to delay what couldn’t be avoided.

  Aerigo said, “I’m looking forward to becoming your spirit guardian.” He tried to smile but it looked forced, and there was no eager anticipation in his voice.

  Roxie felt her eyes start glowing. “I know.” She let out a resigned sigh. Part of her wanted to get the goodbyes over with so she could stop dreading them, but at the same time she didn’t want that moment to ever arrive.

  Firsos turned his head and looked at Aerigo, his grizzly face serious. Aerigo nodded somberly, swallowed, and his eyes started glowing. He got up, helped Roxie to her feet, and the bear rose to all-fours.

  The act of standing made Roxie’s throat constrict. Aerigo stood close, his body brushing against hers, and Firsos stood protectively close to them. Aerigo put an arm around Roxie’s waist as she looped a shield strap over the hilt of her sword, and he clutched a fistful of fur.

  Daio and Sassy stood arm in arm, eyes glowing blue, wearing sad smiles. They came over and Sassy stood before Roxie. Aerigo’s arm slipped away as Sassy wrapped her a frozen hug.

  “I’m gonna mi
ss you, kiddo. You’re one tough girl. Make sure you stay that way.”

  Roxie hugged back. “I will. Thank you. And I’m gonna miss you, too. It was great meeting you, and I hope you and Daio get to make up for lost time.”

  “We are going to try for that in our next lives. But anyway, I wish you all the luck you need in defeating Nexus.”

  “Thanks.”

  She held Roxie’s shoulders. “I believe in you. Believe in yourself and never give up.”

  Roxie nodded.

  Sassy stepped back and Daio approached her, chains jingling. “I really like you, Rox. I’m gonna miss you, too, whether you like it or not.”

  “I think we would’ve been good friends under different circumstances.” She hadn’t grown attached to him like she had Sassy but... “At least I can see you’re a better person than I first thought you were. I don’t regret letting you tag along.”

  “Thanks. That means a lot to me.” He held up both hands. “And I promise I’ll behave, by the way. No more fooling around since this is the last time we’ll ever see each other.”

  “I appreciate it.” She understood he’d meant no harm with his antics, but if she were in Sassy’s place, she probably wouldn’t be able to tolerate it as well as her.

  “I figured you would. Anyway, out of all of us, I’m probably the one who most wants to see Nexus taken down. I don’t want him to ruin any more lives.” He hugged her. “You had my confidence in your abilities before Nero. Now I’m one hundred percent confident you can do it. Punch him a few times for me, if the opportunity arises. Please.”

  She hugged him back. “Gladly.”

  “Thanks.”

  They let go and Roxie said, “I hope you’re able to let go of all your regrets and remove all your chains one day.”

  “I’m gonna work on it very hard for both myself and Sass. I want the freedom to be me in the next life. But anyway, good luck, kid--Rox. I mean Rox.”

  “At least you didn’t call me ‘girlie’,” she said with a half-smile. Daio had called her that on the day she and Aerigo had made a mad dash for the bus out of Buffalo.