Determination

by Angela B. Macala-Guajardo

  “Oh, jeez. I’d forgotten about that.” He laughed but it died away right after he started. “Well, you go beat him, Rox. Beat him good.” He stepped back and wrapped an arm around Sassy.

  Ron took his place, his four eyes looking at Roxie with admiration. “I wish to thank you as well for giving me peace of mind. Your fight with Nero was most impressive. I have the utmost confidence in you and your Frava. I also wish you luck.”

  “You’re welcome, and thank you for your support. I hope you find peace soon.”

  “I believe I shall. Farewell, Roxie.” He bowed, then turned and began walking away, his Numina walking beside him.

  Roxie watched them walk off, the sway and bounce of Tenimus’s wings, both their sure, steady stride, and the rocky plain splaying out before them. She wanted to watch them walk away until she couldn’t see them anymore, so she could avoid looking at Aerigo.

  Frozen fingers laced between hers. She swallowed and turned around. When she met Aerigo’s gaze, her vision blurred. She buried her face in his chest and let out one stifled sob after another. She didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to make this moment harder for either of them, but the tears came unbidden. Aerigo wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tight, and she cried harder when she felt his body convulsive with quiet sobs. Roxie held on tight and they cried together.

  She didn’t want Aerigo to cry. She’d do anything to make him stop and be happy again, but time would have to do that for them both. She lost track of how long they stood there, crying, but she didn’t care. Their final moment together had arrived. Yes, Aerigo would be with her again in spirit, but it wouldn’t be the same. They rode out their pain together.

  Once the worst of the pain passed, she took a deep, shaky breath. “I’m going to miss you so much,” she whispered thickly.

  Aerigo squeezed her. “And I you,” he whispered back, his voice just as thick.

  “Thank you so much for everything, and for being a part of my life.”

  “Thank you, too. You’ve helped me in so many ways. I can never thank you enough.”

  “You were worth it. I have no regrets. How much this moment hurts is a testament to how wonderful a person you are. My grandmother once said that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”

  “I agree. I have no regrets any more. All those things that’d been weighing me down, you helped lift them away. Again, I can’t thank you enough.” He caressed her face, giving her a watery-eyed tender gaze, and a smile full of love and sadness. Roxie tilted her head and they kissed each other on the lips-just once--and pulled back.

  It was time to let him go, like Roxie’s father had her. Roxie took Aerigo’s frozen face in her hands. “Aerigo--” Her throat constricted and a fresh wave of tears blinded her vision. She took several deep breaths and he wiped her eyes. “Aerigo... I’m letting you go, now... so--” Her voice rose an octave and came out thin, but she pushed through it. “So your soul may continue on its journey and find peace. I’ll always miss you, and I look forward to the day you become my spirit guardian.” Spirit guardian would be so much better than nothing. She honestly was looking forward to it. She rose onto the balls of her feet, kissed him once more, and settled back down.

  Aerigo wiped her eyes again and stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. “And I let you go,” he said softly, sorrowfully, “so you may live your life freely and to the fullest, and so I may watch over you one day. I’ll always love and protect you.” He kissed her one last time, letting it linger, and then let go.

  Roxie wanted to kiss him again but it would be for the best if she didn’t. Aerigo stepped back, joining Daio, Sassy, and their Numina.

  Sekiro approached Roxie, her face red from crying. “Ready to go?”

  “As I’ll ever be.”

  Sekiro held out a hand. Roxie took it and the Numina guided her away. Roxie took one last look at everyone, memorizing their faces, saving Aerigo for last. He was strong and silent, the gentle giant. Friend, mentor, and lover--in a way. He watched her leave with a studious gaze, as if he was doing the same with her.

  When she felt a tug on her hand, Roxie brought her gaze forward and followed Sekiro down the rocky slope. Below them lay an ocean with a lone mountain a short ways out. Roxie began crying all over as she made herself put one foot in front of the other, constantly wiping her eyes. The farther she got from Aerigo, the colder and lonelier she felt. Sekiro sniffed as she led the way down the zigzagging path, and said nothing. What could she say? Nothing, to be honest. Roxie just needed time to absorb the loss and let Aerigo go for real. She felt like she was still peeling her grip off, one finger at a time.

  At the bottom of the slope, the rock gave way to sand with gentle waves lapping at the shore. A wooden boat with no oars or rudder sat with its stern beached on the shore, the bow gently rising and falling with the two-inch waves.

  Hearing the water brought a sense of calm. It was like rare trips to the beach. Seeing so much water reminded her about how small she really was. Just one person in a vast universe, living on a planet that was just a grain of sand compared to the universe’s endless expanse. It was humbling.

  Their footsteps swished along the sand, until Sekiro paused by the boat. Sniffling, she pulled Roxie into tight hug. “I’m gonna miss you, Roxie. I’m so glad I found you and was able to help. I hope we meet again after you’ve lived a long, enjoyable life.”

  “Thanks. Maybe you can be my Numina again.”

  Sekiro laughed and it turned into a sob. “I’d like that.” She held Roxie by the shoulders and sniffed again.

  “I’ll miss you, too, Sekiro. Thank you for everything.”

  “You’re welcome.” She glanced at the boat. “And I have one last bit of guidance for you.” She let go and touched the stern, which went up past Roxie’s knees. “This’ll take you to the mountain. Once you get there, the wardens might question you a bit before letting you inside, but don’t worry. They’re just the final screening to make sure souls are genuinely ready to stand before Thanatos and receive judgement.”

  “They’re not three-headed dogs, are they?” Roxie said with a wan smile.

  Sekiro laughed again. “No. But once you go inside, keep heading up until you find Thanatos. You’ll know it when you meet him. Trust me on that. Anyway, you’ll probably see other souls. Just ignore them and keep going, okay?”

  “Okay. Thank you again.”

  “My pleasure.” She tapped the boat and Roxie stepped inside. It had a bench in the middle, looking old and smooth. How many other souls had sat in this boat?

  Roxie stood behind the bench, facing the bow, not ready to sit.

  “Goodbye, Roxie. And good luck.”

  She nodded. “Goodbye.”

  Sekiro sloshed through the water as she pushed the boat offshore, and it scraped against the sand before drifting off, smooth as silk.

  Roxie double-checked for oars but there were none. Maybe she didn’t need any. Sekiro had said the boat would take her there.

  It began moving fast enough to make air blow in her face, but not enough to create a wake bigger than a bird could. Roxie turned and waved but Sekiro was nowhere to be seen. She looked up at the top of the rocky slope. It was deserted.

  And just like that, she was alone.

  Eyes welling with more tears, Roxie took a seat and began crying again. She was all alone. She’d seen Aerigo for the last time for real. The realization felt like a weight was chained to her heart. Hopefully she’d regain her composure by the time she reached the mountain. She folded her arms, propped them on her knees, and buried her face as her cries carried out over the water.

  YEAR THREE

  Chapter 21

  The Wardens

  Roxie had no idea how long she’d cried for by the time she heard bells tolling in the distance, ones that sounded small enough to fit in her hand. Sniffing, she wiped her eyes and sat up. Her heart felt like it lay in the bottom of the boat. She wanted to curl up and sleep away the heartach
e, but she kept wiping her face as she took one deep, shuddering breath after another.

  The mountain loomed before her, casting her in shadow. An archipelago of sharp rocks jutted up on either side, and an uneven rock path lay ahead. The bell tolls sounded like they were coming from the path but she didn’t see any hanging anywhere; just craggy rock and thin lines of water trickling down here and there. The phantom bells gave her goosebumps. They varied in tone like wind chimes but sounded off-key.

  Once the self-steering boat brought her within a few feet of the path, Roxie carefully stood, not wanting to tip over, and the boat pivoted and brought its port side up to the rock. Roxie disembarked, grabbing the hilt of her sword for comfort. She wanted to just stand there and hug herself until she felt better, but that would be such a ridiculous thing to do with so many more important things pressing her to move, including seeing Thanatos.

  The boat drifted away, heading back to shore without a sound. A long, broad shadow with sparkling water on either side stretched towards shore, and the plain where Nero rested rose in the distance, barely more than a thin, dark line.

  Where was Aerigo now? Were Daio and Sassy still with him, or had all three gone separate ways? Or was Aerigo struggling to begin because he yearned to be with Roxie again? Her father had wanted to stay with her but hand’t wanted to make it harder on himself to resume his soul’s journey. Aerigo had taken that risk and shown no outward signs of struggling to let Roxie go; just cried with her. He hadn’t stumbled or faltered when telling her he was letting her go. Hopefully things hadn’t changed for the worse now that they were apart. She wanted him to find peace.

  Maybe it’d be better to stop thinking about him so much. It seemed like an impossible task but she needed to. She was about to face Thanatos’s judgement. She had to be ready for it.

  Roxie heaved a sigh. It looked like someone had chiseled out the path with either primitive tools, or some giant clawed creature had carved out ribbed lines leading deeper in. Roxie began walking carefully on the uneven ground. The narrow path zigzagged inwards, the mountain looming larger and larger overhead like it was leaning closer to look at her. The place felt creepy. Haunted maybe. Well, she was in the Realm of the Dead. She was the only soul out of place.

  The path opened into a steep bowl. Energy sprites drifted towards her and floated overhead, casting jagged, slithering shadows all over the ground. A dark, vaulted cave entrance lay on the other end of the clearing with two enormous stone statues on either side. Roxie began heading towards the entrance. That had to be her ticket inside. As far as the wardens Sekiro has mentioned, she didn’t see any. Maybe the statues could talk. At this rate she wouldn’t be surprised.

  The statues looked like two dragons with the proportions of a giraffe, but huge and imposing as a brontosaurus. Thick legs, scaly, powerful chests, thick necks reaching high overhead, and reptilian heads looking past her. The base of the statues were carved into clawed feet big enough to crush her, and the dragons looked lifelike enough to be breathing, but their massive bodies were inert.

  She reached their front paws, stationed thirty feet on either side, and the bells stopped chiming. She stopped walking.

  Keep moving, you moron. They’re just statues.

  Trying to pretend that the bells falling silent meant nothing, Roxie managed two steps when she froze at the sound of crumbling rock. Clutching her hilt, she backed up and held her shield by a strap, unsure if she’d have to fight to gain entry. Hopefully not. She needed to save everything for Nexus.

  The dragon statues tilted their heads and started falling away from the side of the mountain--no, not falling--lowering, their elongated necks bending like they were made of flesh and scales. They flexed their claws, digging into the ground, and Roxie backed farther away as she strapped on her shield. She kept her sword sheathed in case these things would attack at the sight of a drawn weapon. The dragons each raised a paw and stomped down in front of the cave entrance, blocking it off and making the ground shake.

  Roxie held out her arms for balance and stared up. She was barely taller than their paws and wrists. These had to be the wardens.

  Snouts as big as cars lowered towards her and huge nostrils sniffed the air, sounding like a whale exhaling.

  The one on her left said, “It’s the live one. She has arrived at last.” It had a male voice, big and round, and spoke without moving its mouth, yet she heard a voice coming from its head.

  “So it is,” the one on her right said in a rich female voice, mouth also not moving, “but is she ready to go forth and be judged?”

  Roxie wanted to say yes but she wasn’t sure if they were expecting her to respond. She stood with her shield held defensively and kept quiet.

  “She wants to go,” the male said.

  “But should we let her?”

  “What say you, Roxie Lohr?”

  Hearing the male speak her name made her go wide-eyed. She shouldn’t have been surprised they knew her name since they knew to expect her. She lowered her shield and stood tall, holding herself confidently, even though her heart yearned for her to lie down. “Please let me in. I’m ready.”

  “Then why does your soul hurt so?” the female said. “We can sense your turmoil. No soul may seek judgement until they have come to terms with all that causes pain.”

  “What hurts just happened recently. I need some time to absorb it.”

  “Then go back and take the time,” the male said, raising its head like it was done talking.

  “No!” Roxie took a step forward. “I can’t turn around. I have to get back to the living side. A lot of people are counting on me.”

  “We are aware, little one,” the female said, her voice motherly, patient. “But we cannot let you enter if you’re not ready.”

  “I’m ready as I’ll ever be. I don’t know how I could be better prepared.”

  “Go back and ease your heavy heart,” the male said, pausing halfway up.

  “Go back to Aerigo? But--”

  “Yes,” the female said, “your heart aches to be with him. He aches to be with you. Go to him and return when you are truly ready to let his soul go.”

  Roxie stopped herself when she realized she’d started turning around. As much as she wanted to spend more time with Aerigo, she knew it would be wrong to go back. As much as Aerigo yearned to see her, she doubted he’d be thrilled to have her back before Nexus was taken care of. Yes, he’d be overjoyed to see her, but not under present circumstances. She had to act for the greater good, not for their own wants. “I refuse to go back.”

  “Are you sure?” the male said.

  “Yes,” Roxie said with a nod. “I’ll always want to be with him but I have to keep moving forward. It’d be wrong to go back, and if I did, it’d only make it harder to bring myself to return here. I don’t want to stand before Thanatos so much as I need to. I have to.” Maybe not the most eloquent thing to say but she meant every word.

  The female tilted her head thoughtfully. “Very well. However, there is turmoil in your soul from not only looking behind, but also looking ahead.”

  “You’re terrified of your task,” the male said plainly. “Go back, stay a while, and muster some courage. We will not send you off to be slaughtered like a frightened animal.”

  The male’s words felt like a punch in the chest. Her mouth dropped open. “How can you expect me to not be afraid?” She did her best to keep the exasperation from bubbling up in her voice.

  “By seeking wisdom and courage. You lack both.”

  That comment got under her skin enough that she felt her eyes start glowing. She slipped into her emotionally detached state, opened her mouth and, sucking a breath, stopped. Nero had warned her to not speak aloud when fully harnessing Frava. Good thing she’d felt her eyes start glowing, or she wouldn’t even have noticed. Closing her eyes, she calmed herself by focusing on her breathing. Part of her wanted to argue, to challenge the dragon and show him how wrong he was, but these two had to have been wa
rdens far too long to not know what they were talking about.

  Lacking in courage and wisdom or not, she had to keep moving forward. She was convinced of that. Come to think of it, maybe they were testing her conviction.

  She opened her eyes and gazed at their claws. “I can’t help that I’m young and inexperienced, but I have all the power I need to do what I have to do. Besides, I was once told that you can’t be courageous without feeling fear.” She looked up at them. “I can’t help that I’m scared but I’m willing to face my fears.”

  The dragons studied her in silence. If they refused her entry, should she exert her will on them, or would that be a mistake? Whatever happened, she couldn’t go back across the water.

  “You’re aware that you’re risking your life, are you not?” the male said.

  Those words made her stomach flop. “Yes. That’s why I’m so scared.” She was very aware of it. She’d fought for her life several times already; however, this impending confrontation felt different. Even though death was death and she’d end up back here, the consequences seemed different. For one, she was fully aware of why she’d been taken under Aerigo’s wing and understood why people wanted her dead. And for another, now that she was aware of all the people depending on her, there was that much more pressure, yet that much more drive to succeed.

  “Stay here and be safe,” the female urged.

  “No,” Roxie said, shaking her head. “I can’t.”

  “Stay with the one you love,” the male said.

  She swallowed. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t. “I’ve let him go so he can go on his death’s journey and become my spirit guardian.”

  “But it’s not what you want,” the female said. “Not what either of you want. Stay.”

  “I can’t. I’d eventually die of starvation.” Grandma and Luis would be alive for only so long. And after them, why would any sane person feed someone they never met for years on end?

  “It would be a peaceful death compared to slaughter.”

  “I have to do everything in my power to take Nexus down.” She didn’t want to die trying, much less succeed then die of too many injuries to heal through. Sure, it’d reunite her with Aerigo faster, but would that be worth it? Yes, but to pull off a victory in such a fashion that ended with dying after taking Nexus down... it sounded too sloppy and dangerous. She was going to have to focus on staying alive and intact. “I accept all possibe consequences. Please let me in.” Even if it was wrong, Roxie decided she’d will them to let her in if they continued to refuse her.