My Soul Cries Out

by Sherri L. Lewis

  The bus trip back to the hotel was quiet. Kevin fell asleep before we even got comfortable in our seats. As we pulled up to the parking lot, I searched for my keys.

  Kevin woke up. “Would it be too much to ask for you to stay with me tonight? I’m not ready to let you go yet.”

  “Kevin, I don’t—”

  “Please, Monnie. Like I said before. It doesn’t have to mean anything. I just need a good night’s sleep. I slept so good this afternoon.” He smiled his crooked, little-boy grin. “If I get some good rest tonight, I think I can finish out this tour.”

  “You ain’t slick, Kevin. Don’t be trying to make me feel bad.”

  “Did it work?”

  I laughed.

  “Come on. Don’t be skeered. I won’t do nothing.”

  I shook my head. “You’re trying to make this difficult, aren’t you?”

  “I promise I’m not. I don’t know when I’ll get to see you again.”

  I traveled with a stocked gym bag in my trunk, so I decided I could stay. When I got up to the room, I changed into a T-shirt and shorts to sleep in. Kevin wore his usual silk pajamas.

  I climbed under the covers and Kevin got in bed soon after. Being close to him, smelling his cologne, and being in bed together made the emotions well up. This was a bad idea.

  Kevin’s soft lips grazed my neck. My heart beat faster. God, did I make a big mistake? What am I doing in bed with Kevin? His lips moved up to my cheek. He snuggled closer and I felt him sigh. What if he didn’t keep his promise? What if he tried something? Should I get up and leave?

  Next thing I knew, he was snoring. I relaxed. I fingered his comb twists and thought about Dana Ford. Could I really do this?

  Whoever made up the wedding vow “For better or for worse” must have gone through something. Was I willing to love Kevin through his broken state and walk with him through the healing process? That’s what love would do. That’s what God had done with me and every other person who accepted Christ as their Savior. Complete forgiveness and unconditional love—no matter what.

  Could I really love like that?

  48

  The next day, after helping Kevin get packed and loaded onto the bus and after a difficult goodbye, I came home and crashed in my bed. The night was exhilarating and confusing, and I was worn out.

  I woke up feeling much more rested, but anxious about the night before. Kevin said it didn’t have to mean anything, but it meant everything. It meant he still wanted to get back together and I wanted to get back together, and somehow we had to make things work. He said after the tour was over, he’d be willing to look at the book and talk to the pastors to see how exactly one could get delivered from homosexuality.

  Then, there was the whole logistical issue. He lived in D.C. I lived in Atlanta. I wasn’t trying to go back to D.C. I liked my new life here and had just started a business. On the other hand, I knew it would take an act of God for Kevin to leave Love and Faith and Bishop Walker. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself. I decided not to try to figure out everything and just let God do whatever He planned to do.

  I heard the front door close and a few minutes later, there was a light tap on my door.

  “Come on in, Alaysia.” She must have just finished her Saturday Yogaerobics class. After an in-depth discussion with Khalil about the spiritual ramifications of practicing a Hindu tradition, Alaysia decided to keep the yoga positions, but to forgo the chakras and other spiritual babble. I prepared myself for the interrogation.

  She popped her head in. “Just wanted to make sure you were alive. Last time I saw you, you were on your way to pick up your car and you’d be home in a few minutes.” She glanced down at her watch. “Those were some long minutes.”

  “I’m fine, Alaysia. Nice to know you care.”

  She came in and plopped down at the foot of my bed, kicking her shoes off onto the floor. “Soooooooo . . .”

  I shook my head and laughed. “It’s killing you, isn’t it? You have to know what’s going on.”

  “You have to admit your recent behavior has been a bit curious. You and Kevin hugged up at the table at IHOP and then you don’t come home. I mean, technically you two are still married, so it wasn’t like you were off committing some rampant acts of sin. I’m surprised, that’s all. Not that I’m not happy for you. I think. If you want me to be happy for you then I am. If you’re happy, that is. You certainly look happy, but then again—”

  “Alaysia.” I held up my hand to stop her rambling. “First of all, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t . . . you know, do anything. We just snuggled and fell asleep.”

  “I wasn’t asking. It’s not like it’s any of my business. You don’t have to tell me anything.”

  “Okay.” I turned over and pulled the covers up around my shoulders. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five—

  “Okay, Monnie. Stop playing. What’s going on?”

  I laughed and sat up in bed. “That’s what I thought.” I told her about my conversation with Alex and about the book. I told her about the pastor’s past lifestyle and about his deliverance and happy marriage. I couldn’t tell if she was nodding to be polite, or if she believed what I was saying.

  “So?” As much as I didn’t want it to matter, her opinion counted.

  “So what?”

  “So, what do you think, Alaysia? Am I totally crazy? Do you think God can make Kevin straight?”

  “Monnie, I can’t tell you if you’re crazy or not. This is a decision you’re going to have to make and live with, and my opinion is not gonna be enough to get you through it.”

  Alaysia shook her head. “That being said, this is another one of those things I don’t understand about you Christians. You always talk about how great God is and how He can do anything and how with God, nothing’s impossible. But when it comes right down to it—when it’s time to put your heart where your mouth is, you guys flake out. You talk about having faith, but when it’s time to have faith, you get fearful. Either God is God and you believe Him, or He’s not and you don’t. Which is it?”

  “Dang, Alaysia.”

  “I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but there’s so many inconsistencies. There’s the God of the Bible, and then there’s the God of the present day Christian. If God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, why are you guys so different from the people in the Bible? I mean, I sit around listening to Khalil and David and I feel like I could walk on water. Like I could become a Christian and we could take over the world and dominate for Christ. But then I look at the Christians I know, and it seems like all there is to Christianity is going to church on Sunday, Bible study on Wednesday night and then talking about how awesome God is, but living mediocre lives. Makes it seem like it’s all words and no real power.”

  Alaysia pulled her knees into her chest and stared out the window. “But then I see how God brought me and you back together and brought me and Khalil back together, and how He miraculously gave us the club and how nothing bad has happened to anyone I love and I think maybe there is something to this God stuff. All I wanted was good friends and a man I could love and marry and have beautiful babies with, and to be able to help other people and make a difference in the world, and He’s given me that and more. I guess I babbled all that to say God is God, Monnie. If He can create the whole world as we know it just by speaking a word, don’t you think delivering Kevin and restoring your marriage is an easy thing?”

  I couldn’t even answer. I threw the covers off and reached over to hug Alaysia.

  “What?”

  “Nothing, Laysia. You’re right. God is God and He definitely answers prayer.”

  49

  Kevin and I talked almost every day for the next couple of weeks. We didn’t stay on the phone long because he was either always resting from a show, resting for a show, or rehearsing for a show. He sounded more and more tired every time I talked to him. I was glad he only had a couple more cities before the tour was over.

  He called late one nigh
t while I was in a deep sleep.

  “Hey, Monnie. I got some great news.” I could hear him strumming his guitar softly. I recognized the chords to my love song.

  I sat up and looked over at the clock. It was after midnight. He must have just finished a concert.

  “What is it?”

  “Bishop Walker called to let me know we got the extension contract. We’re adding nine more cities to the tour.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Hello?”

  “I’m here.”

  “Did you hear what I said? We got the extra tour dates. I’m gonna head for D.C. next weekend to do an anniversary concert for Bishop, then we’ll be off to Cleveland.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Monnie, are you awake?”

  “I’m awake. Just concerned about you. Can’t they give you a few weeks to rest first?”

  “We don’t want to lose any momentum. And stop worrying. I’m loving every minute of it. I can rest later. We’ll be in Savannah in three weeks. I was wondering if you wanted to come down and meet me. My next city won’t be for four days, so I’d be able to come to Atlanta afterward for a few days.”

  “That sounds good, Kevin. Let me know the exact dates and I’ll clear my schedule.”

  “I guess I should, uh . . . book a hotel or something?”

  “Uh . . . I guess . . . I guess that would be best. I don’t know, really.”

  Kevin laughed his deep, sexy laugh. “This is kinda weird, huh? I don’t know either. Don’t worry about it. A hotel is fine. Better if you’ll come stay with me.”

  “Kevin, I don’t know.”

  “It’ll be like last time. I promise. We can keep things like before we got married until we figure out exactly what we’re doing here.”

  I turned on the lamp on the nightstand. A warm glow filled the room. “Okay. That sounds good.”

  “What are you doing for your big day?”

  “Huh?”

  “Don’t tell me you’re getting senile already. Next Friday, your birthday.”

  “Don’t remind me. I can’t believe I’m gonna be thirty. It all goes downhill from there.”

  “Nonsense. You only get better as you get older.”

  “Good answer. I don’t have any real plans. Knowing Alaysia, she’ll try to throw a big surprise shindig together. She makes such a big deal of birthdays.” I tried to sound nonchalant. “Why? Are you coming?” I was surprised at how much I wanted him to be there.

  “Unfortunately, I can’t make it. I’ll be in San Francisco. I wish I’d known sooner that you’d actually want me to be there.”

  “I thought you guys already did California.”

  “We did L.A.”

  “Seems like you would have done all of Cali while you were out there. Doesn’t make any sense for you to have to go back. I thought you had Bishop’s anniversary concert Sunday.”

  “I do. I’ll leave San Francisco Saturday morning and do Bishop’s concert Sunday night.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense, Kevin. It’s too much flying all over the place.”

  “I know. How ’bout I let you plan my future tours?”

  “I might have to. I’ll make sure you only have one concert a week, and you’ll fly everywhere instead of riding that stupid bus.”

  “On second thought, I better stick with Bishop’s manager. You’d ruin my career.”

  “Yeah, but I’d probably save your life.”

  “Okay, Monnie, I’m hanging up before you get on your soapbox.”

  “You know I’m right.”

  “’Night, Monnie. I love you.”

  “I . . . I love you too, Kevin.”

  50

  On the morning of my birthday, I waited in bed as long as I could. I heard Alaysia banging around in the kitchen, making our protein shakes. I tipped into the kitchen, not wanting to spoil any potential surprise.

  “I was wondering if you were getting up. You going to yoga?” Alaysia handed me my shake.

  I looked around the kitchen. “I guess so.”

  “What’s wrong with you?”

  I shrugged. “Nothing. Just thought I’d be getting a special birthday breakfast or something. I only hit the big thirty once, ya know.”

  Alaysia slapped her forehead. “Oh, no!” She walked over to the fridge and flipped a page on the calendar. “It’s May twenty-ninth. Your birthday. I am the world’s worst friend.” She walked over and gave me a hug. “I’m sorry. I’ve committed the worst breech of friendship. On your big thirty? Why didn’t you remind me?”

  My eyes widened. “Remind you? Miss Decorate For Every Holiday? Miss Never Forget a Birthday? I didn’t think I had to remind you.”

  “You know how busy we’ve been with the business, and I’ve got these new massage clients, and you know I’m trying to do my billing right. And you know Khalil is—”

  “Don’t worry about it. It’s not that big of a deal.”

  “It is that big of a deal. Let me make it up to you. I’ll throw together something real special. We can go to whatever restaurant you pick. I’ll call David. I don’t think Nakia’s coming this weekend, so he should be free, and I’ll talk to some people at the gym today. Where do you want to go?”

  “I said don’t worry about it.”

  “Monnie, please don’t be mad. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not mad. It’s cool.”

  I didn’t bother to finish my shake and went back to my bedroom. Did she really forget or did she have something up her sleeve? I remembered when she threw my twentieth birthday surprise party at our condo. I knew weeks before because I heard her making plans and found the invitations stuffed in her bottom drawer, the presents hidden in the back of her closet, and the decorations in the trunk of her car.

  I had snooped for the past two weeks and hadn’t found any clues of her putting together a surprise party. No one at the gym had let anything slip, and Alaysia hadn’t been acting suspicious. All signs pointed to the fact that she actually forgot my birthday.

  She popped her head in the door. “Going to yoga?”

  “Don’t feel like it.”

  “Monnie, please don’t be mad.”

  “I’m not mad.” I wouldn’t even look at her. “I just don’t feel like it. Is that allowed?”

  “Don’t forget you agreed to take Zanetta’s training clients this afternoon. She has a three, four, and a five. She’s out of town with her hubby.”

  I sat up. “I didn’t agree to take Zanetta’s clients. Why would I agree to be stuck in the gym on my birthday? In fact, Zanetta was supposed to take my step classes this evening so I could be off.”

  “She didn’t mention it to me. Is there anyone else that can take them?”

  “At the last minute? I doubt it.” I flopped over in the bed, giving Alaysia my butt to kiss. Great. Not only did she forget my birthday, but now I was going to be stuck in the gym all day.

  “I’m sorry, Monnie. If you had reminded me, we could have planned and had you off.”

  “Forget you, Laysia. And right now, I really could if I tried.”

  She closed the door softly behind her.

  I refused to cry. First Kevin, now Alaysia. I couldn’t blame Kevin because his tour schedule had been planned way in advance, but Alaysia? My thirtieth birthday? She’d call some people and throw something together?

  Unforgivable.

  Fifteen minutes later, the doorbell rang. I wasn’t about to answer it. Whoever it was at the door was persistent and kept ringing.

  I stomped into the foyer and threw open the door. “What?”

  The young man standing there dressed in a black suit with a hat jumped. “Sorry to disturb you, ma’am. I’m looking for Monica Harris-Day?”

  “That’s me.”

  He looked down at my pajamas. “I was instructed to pick you up at nine o’clock.”

  “There must be some mistake.”

  “I was supposed to give you this.”

  He held out a note.
I snatched it from him and opened it. I recognized Alaysia’s handwriting.

  Ha, Ha, Ha, I got you. Happy 30th, Monnie. I would never forget your birthday. Hurry up and get dressed. Wear something comfortable. You have a full day planned and you can’t be late.

  Love, your best friend forever,

  Alaysia

  P.S. My goodness! Turning thirty has made you snippy. Please treat the limo driver nicely.

  “Where did you get this?”

  “The lady that hired me brought it down to the car five minutes ago as she was leaving.” He looked down at his watch. “Will you be ready soon? We’re supposed to be somewhere by nine-thirty.”

  “I’ll be downstairs in fifteen minutes.”

  51

  I couldn’t have asked for a better day. The limo driver, Nathan, dropped me off at Spa Sydell in Midtown, where I got the full-day pampering treatment including a facial, manicure, pedicure, hot rocks massage, and seaweed wrap. I was nearly comatose when Nathan picked me up. He took me back to the condo and passed me another note.

  I know you’re in your post pampering high, but try to limit your nap to only an hour. Nathan will be back to pick you up at 7:30.

  P.S. Your outfit is in your closet.

  I couldn’t get upstairs fast enough. When I threw open my closet door, I gasped at a gorgeous, black party dress with a halter-top and the back out. Alaysia was with me when I tried it on at Nordstrom’s three weeks ago. I didn’t buy it because I didn’t have the nerve to go braless as the dress required. Not that I had a chest anymore. It was the first thing to go when I started working out. The DD queen was barely filling a C. I looked down and saw some black sling-back pumps and a little black beaded purse.

  There was no way I could nap for an hour. I was too excited about where Nathan would be taking me.

  At 7:30, Nathan picked me up in the limo and took me to Khalil’s church. White tea lights and balloons decorated the front. A large banner in the window read: HAPPY 30TH, MONNIE!