Skating Through

by Jennifer Cosgrove

  “Rough night?”

  Ben nodded.

  “Home?”

  “Yeah. Let’s go.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  TRUE TO HIS promise, Ryan got up and ran with Ben the next morning. They hardly said a word to each other until they got back to the house, both of them out of breath.

  “Do you want me to stay?” Ryan was leaned back on his elbows, sitting on the steps, trying to catch his breath. “The offer to handhold is still out there.”

  Ben shook his head. “I think I need to do this on my own.” He sighed and tried to smile. “Go big or go home, right?”

  Ryan held up a fist and Ben bumped it. “Hell yeah, dude. Go get ’em.”

  Ben got up from the steps and walked toward the door, pausing before going inside. “Just—tell me I can do this.”

  “You got this, man.” Ryan walked backward down the driveway, a reassuring smile on his face. “You’re going to be fine.”

  Ben took a deep breath and opened the door to where everyday life waited for him. Everyday life smelled a lot like breakfast. His stomach growled despite the butterflies in it, and he jogged up the stairs to get cleaned up.

  He worried the entire time he was in the shower and then while he was getting dressed. He worried while he sat on his bed and held Biscuit in his arms, letting him go when he started to squirm. Will’s tag was in its place in his drawer and he put it on. He needed all the help he could get. He couldn’t procrastinate any longer.

  As he walked down the stairs, he heard his mom laugh and wondered if she still would if she knew he was about to tip their world on its head. He sat down at the table, Beth already in the prime spot, but he barely noticed. Instead, Ben automatically put food on his plate, and though he was starving, he couldn’t bring himself to take a bite. They were all sitting there. His dad was reading something on his tablet, like always. Beth and his mom were talking quietly. And finally, Ben opened his mouth and spoke.

  “Um.” It wasn’t very eloquent, but it made them all look over at him. “I, uh—”

  “What is it, kiddo?” His mom glanced at his untouched food, and her expression turned to one of worry. Ben’s hands were shaking, just a little bit, and he clenched them under the table so she wouldn’t see.

  Beth was staring at him like he’d grown a second head. She finally rolled her eyes. “God, Benny, spit it out.”

  “Beth!” His mom’s scolding voice and Beth being Beth jolted him out of his frozen state.

  He looked at the table and took a deep breath. “I need to tell you something.” His hands were still shaking, and his palms were growing clammy with nerves. He fidgeted, despite himself, before clasping his hands together. “I, um—”

  He could feel everyone’s eyes on him, and why he’d thought that a breakfast table confession was a good idea, he didn’t know. Finally, he looked up at his parents; he had to see their faces, to see the reaction, good or bad. Strangely, he wasn’t worried about Beth’s reaction at all.

  “I’m gay.”

  Silence. Ben saw the surprise he fully expected, but he hadn’t counted on the absolute silence that filled the normally noisy room. It dragged out until he couldn’t stand it anymore.

  “Oh my god, someone please say something.” Ben’s voice cracked on the last word as he resisted the urge to run and hide. His mom finally spoke.

  “Okay, baby.” She hadn’t called him “baby” in years. “I just— Okay.”

  “Okay?” Ben said faintly. Beth watched between the two of them, calmly eating a piece of bacon. Ben had worked himself up so much that the word wasn’t registering. “What?”

  His mom reached over and put her hand on the table, wiggling her fingers when he just sat and stared at it. Ben took her hand, and she gripped his fingers tight for a second.

  “Ben, you know we love you, right?” Ben nodded numbly. “And we love you no matter what.” He nodded again and glanced at his dad, who had put his tablet down for once.

  “Listen to your mom, son.” His dad’s voice sounded odd, like he was getting choked up. He cleared his throat and took a sip of juice. “She knows what she’s talking about.”

  His mom was leaning toward him with tears in her eyes but a smile on her face. “It’s okay.”

  “Gran knows.” He just blurted it out. “I told her yesterday.”

  “So that’s where you went.” His mom squeezed his hand and rose, pulling him to her and putting her arms around him. “What did she say?”

  “She was okay with it. I took her box back to her. Did you know her uncle was gay?” Ben was fairly certain he wasn’t making a whole lot of sense. “I didn’t mean to tell her, it just came out.”

  “She’s a good listener.” His mom still had her arms around him. “I’m glad you told us.”

  “Ryan knows too.” Ben had lost all control of what he was saying. His mom let him go but kept a hand on his shoulder.

  “He does?” That was from his dad. Ben nodded. “For how long?”

  “A few years.”

  “Oh.” His dad looked confused for a second. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

  “I don’t know.” Ben’s mom put her arm back around him. “I was afraid you were going to be disappointed or, I don’t know…” He broke off, looking away.

  She put a finger under his chin and made him look at her. “We could never be disappointed in you. Do you understand?”

  Ben nodded, though he wasn’t sure he believed that. “Okay.”

  When he turned to Beth, she gave him a searching look and then smiled. “Don’t cry, Benny. I’ve got your back.”

  And somehow, that was what made his mom burst into tears.

  Ben: I told them.

  Ben waited for the group text to blow up. He felt weirdly let down for some reason. His mom had hugged him again before busying herself with clean up that usually fell to him or Beth, and his dad had patted him on the back before wandering off to process. Ben knew he’d be hearing from him later. Beth had just punched him in the arm and gone to her room. Basically, in the course of a few minutes, everything was back to normal except that he had spilled his biggest secret, and they were— They were absolutely fine with it all. His phone buzzed in his hand. And then again.

  Ryan: AND????

  Rachel: !!!!!

  Marcus: ARe you ok?

  Ben smiled to himself at the reactions. It was so weird to have the knot of anxiety that had been riding around in his stomach gone, if only for the moment, that he felt like laughing out loud. He lay back on his bed and held the phone above his head to text.

  Ben: It was so weird.

  Ben: They all said it was fine.

  Ryan: mom and dad are the best

  Ryan: little b’s okay too i guess

  Rachel: I’m so proud of you <3

  His phone buzzed again, and this time it was Marcus texting him out of the group.

  Marcus: how do you feel?

  Ben thought for a second. How did he feel?

  Ben: Better :)

  There was a tap on his half-open door, and his dad poked his head in. “Mind if I come in?”

  It was weirdly formal, but Ben had kind of been expecting something to happen. His dad was one of the smartest and kindest people he knew, but when he needed time to process something, it was best to leave him to it. That was why Ben hadn’t been too worried when he’d stayed mostly silent, only giving an encouraging smile or nod.

  “Sure.” Ben put his phone down and sat up on the edge of the bed. His dad took a seat next to him, and they sat in silence for a few moments before his dad started to speak.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Ben blinked at him before nodding, not sure where he was going. “If you didn’t play hockey, would you have told us sooner?”

  Ben shrugged, looking away. “I don’t know. Maybe.” He hesitated. “It would have been different, you know?”

  “I remember from when I played in high school what gets said in the locker room.” His dad’
s voice was low. “I heard all kinds of crap directed toward teammates and players on the other team, and I did nothing.”

  “Dad, that’s not—” Ben started, but his dad cut him off.

  “I just want you to know that when you decide to tell the team—” He glanced at Ben. “Are you going to come out to the team?”

  “Eventually?” Ben shook his head. “Gran and I talked about it a little.” He looked his dad in the eye. “Honestly, it was nerve-wracking enough telling you guys.”

  “You had to know we would be fine with—” His dad looked stricken, and Ben rushed to try to explain.

  “No, I knew that, in here.” Ben put his hand over his heart. “I did. But this—” He tapped a finger to his temple. “—wasn’t so sure. I was scared.”

  “Scared?”

  Ben nodded, biting his lip. “Yeah.”

  “Because?”

  “Because you would know and then I would have to tell everybody and it just seemed too big, you know?” Ben sighed. “I don’t know. I know it doesn’t make sense.”

  “It makes perfect sense.” His dad put his arm around him, and Ben leaned into his side. “I’m glad you told your Gran.”

  “Me too.”

  “And we won’t say anything unless you say it’s okay. You have complete control over this.”

  “Really?” Ben felt kind of stupid to be that surprised, but he’d built it up in his head that once he opened his mouth and they knew, the floodgates would open. He wouldn’t have a choice.

  “Really.” They sat in comfortable silence for a few seconds before he continued. “So, what do you want to do?”

  “I don’t think I’m ready to tell the team yet.” Ryan thought for a moment. “But maybe soon?”

  “Whatever you decide, we’re right here to back you up. All right?” His dad squeezed his shoulders one last time and stood. He started to the door but stopped and turned back. “One more thing.” Leaning against the doorframe, he folded his arms across his chest. “What made you decide now was the time? I mean, I’m glad you told us. I’m proud of you for that.”

  Ben looked down at his hands. He’d thought he’d been a coward the entire time, but it was nice to hear.

  “Honestly? I was tired of lying. Mom would ask about girls and—” He broke off at the look on his dad’s face and backtracked quickly. “I mean, I know she didn’t mean anything by it. She didn’t know. But, it still felt like lying.”

  “You know she would never—”

  “It’s fine, Dad. Seriously.”

  “Okay.” His dad looked down and for the first time seemed a little uncomfortable. “So, um, is there someone that you—” He made a vague gesture with his hand.

  Ben fell back on his bed and covered his blushing face. “Oh god. Dad. No.”

  He heard a soft chuckle and knew that it wasn’t over. “There is, isn’t there?”

  “Kind of.” Ben let his hands fall to the bed on either side of his head but kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “It’s complicated.”

  “Those are usually the ones who are worth it.” Ben glanced at his dad, who was smiling, all signs of discomfort gone. “Was it the guy with the hair? What was his name?” He put a hand to his chin as if thinking hard. “Oh, right. Marcus?”

  Ben dragged a pillow over his face. “Oh my god.”

  “He seemed nice.” Ben peeked out from under the pillow to see if he was being made fun of. “You should ask Mr. It’s Complicated over again sometime.” He rapped on the door and started to pull it shut. “I’m here if you need to talk. About anything. Okay?”

  “Okay!” Ben covered his face with the pillow again as he heard the door click.

  HE’D SPENT THE rest of the day texting back and forth with Ryan, Rachel, and Marcus. Ryan wanted to come by, but he had to work, and Ben assured him everything was fine. The texts had finally filtered down to just the ones with Marcus alone, and Ben wasn’t sure what to make of them. He found himself talking about the box and the letters.

  Marcus: so they never saw each other again?

  Ben: No. And Eddie never got to read what Will wrote.

  Marcus: that is the saddest thing

  He was right. Ben put his phone down. Those two had never gotten to live their lives the way they wanted to, but they’d managed to be together in a time when most people hated them for who they were. They probably would have gotten married if they could have. From what Gran said, they’d been completely devoted to one another. It made his situation pale in comparison. He sent one more text.

  Ben: sorry, i’m falling asleep

  Marcus: it’s okay. talk tomorrow?

  Ben: night :)

  Ben put his phone down, thoughts still whirling in his head. He wanted more. But until he decided to pull the trigger on coming out to the team, it wouldn’t be fair to either of them to actually do anything about it. So he tried to push it down. He had to. If he wanted to keep Marcus as a friend while he was figuring his shit out, then he shouldn’t think that way. He fell asleep after convincing himself he was doing them both a favor.

  However, when he got up, Marcus had sent him a final text, and it dredged up all of those feelings he’d just managed to pack down. It was a selfie, probably taken right before Marcus went to sleep. His hair was falling over one eye and he obviously wasn’t wearing a shirt.

  Marcus: night

  It seemed innocent, but the sight of him looking like that made Ben’s mouth run dry and caused the butterflies in his stomach to do cartwheels. That one picture undid all of the convincing he’d done the night before.

  Before he could think too hard about it, he snapped a quick picture of himself, bedhead in full force against the dark blue of his pillowcase. He was pleasantly surprised that it actually looked pretty good, if he ignored his hair. He sent it along with a text.

  Ben: Morning.

  Ben got up and left his phone on his nightstand to get ready for his run before school.

  RYAN JUMPED OUT of his car when he came to pick him up and pulled him into a hug.

  Ben squeaked in surprise. “What the hell, man?”

  “I’m so damn proud of you.” He let Ben go and punched him in the arm. “So, it’s still good?”

  Ben started to answer but was interrupted by his mom calling from the front porch. “Ryan Davidson, you get your ass up here.”

  “Oh, yeah.” Ben winced as Ryan turned wide eyes to him. “Mom wants to have a word.”

  “Shit.”

  Ben shrugged. “I don’t think she’s mad or anything.”

  Ryan sighed, but he walked up the front steps while Ben stowed his stuff in the back of the car. He turned around to see his mom hug Ryan tightly and say something too low to hear. Ryan nodded, a faint smile on his lips, and she hugged him tight again before letting him go. Ben gave him a look as he came back to the car, but Ryan just shook his head.

  “I’ll tell you on the way.”

  Ben glanced back up at the house where his mom stood watching them both, and then finally got in the car. He waited until Ryan had pulled out into the road before questioning him. “What was that all about?”

  “She didn’t tell you?”

  “No, she just said she wanted to talk to you when you got here.”

  Ryan watched the road, not saying anything for a long moment.

  “She told me thank you for being there for you.” He glanced at Ben. “Like I would have done anything else.”

  Ben blamed the rollercoaster of emotion he’d been riding the past few days for the lump in his throat. He stared out the window, pulling himself together, before he spoke. “I’m glad she wasn’t mad at you for not telling her.”

  “Nah. I didn’t really think she would be, but I can’t lie, I was a little worried.” He gave Ben a smile that eased the rest of the tension he’d been carrying. “How are you doing?”

  “Me?” Ben looked at him, eyebrows raised. “Fine, I guess.” Ryan gave him an even look that Ben wasn’t sure about. “What?”


  “You know. Marcus?”

  Ben rolled his eyes. “We talked about this.”

  “The situation has changed.” Ben gave him a look. “It has.”

  “It hasn’t changed enough.”

  Ryan made a frustrated noise. “Maybe you should actually talk to him about that. You could be doing this together.”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.” Ben looked away again. “Can we talk about something else?”

  Ryan sighed but dropped it, to Ben’s relief. “I’m not sure if I’m going to make the game on Saturday. I’m trying to get off early, but I might not be able to.” He gave Ben a quick look of remorse. “Rachel and Marcus are planning on going, though.”

  “Really? I thought Rachel didn’t even like hockey.”

  Ryan shrugged. “Well, she’s only going because you’re playing.”

  “What?” Rachel had been nice to him and all, but Ben was still surprised. “Why would she do that?”

  “Because you’re her friend?” The dumbass was unspoken. “Besides, where Marcus goes, she tends to go.” Ryan pulled into a parking space and turned off the car. “At least, most of the time.”

  “How do you know they’re coming?”

  Ryan gave him a look. “Because we talk about you behind your back?”

  “Of course you do.” Ben pushed down a sudden urge to tell Ryan about the selfie and see what he thought of it—if he could tell him what it meant. Was Marcus flirting with him again? And if he was, what did that mean? He was confused, but he didn’t think he could talk to Ryan about it, not just yet.

  “See you after practice.” Ben grabbed his gear bag out of the back and looked over at Ryan. “Or are you working?”

  “I’m not sure. I’m still trying to swap with someone for Saturday.” Ryan locked the car, and they fell into easy step with one another. “I’ll let you know, and I’ll text Mom and let her know if I can’t get you.”

  “Sounds good.” They reached the front door and went their separate ways.