Signs of Life

by Melanie Hansen

  Jeremy closed his eyes as if in pain. “I can’t tell you the last time I’ve heard his name spoken aloud by someone else. No one wants to talk about him, avoiding the subject like it’s the plague. It’s almost like he—like he never existed.”

  He didn’t resist as Kai pulled him back down into the bed, and they propped themselves up on pillows. Kai loved how Jeremy absently took his hand and twined their fingers together, resting their joined hands on the bed between them.

  “Tell me about Brent,” he encouraged softly, stroking the back of Jeremy’s hand with his thumb. “What was he like?”

  Jeremy smiled, a faraway look in his eyes. “He was sensitive and kind. Soft-spoken and artistic. He loved raunchy sex comedies but for some reason would blush bright red whenever somebody told a dirty joke in his hearing.” Jeremy went silent, lost in a memory, and then he said, “He wanted a family of his own. His father—well, they had a tough relationship and his mother wasn’t around much, traveled for work a lot.”

  Kai listened as Jeremy told him about the baby they were expecting, about Brent’s depressive episode right before he died, most likely brought on, Brent’s therapist had said, by the stress of the surrogacy process and impending fatherhood.

  “Had he been depressed before?” Kai asked, turning to move into Jeremy’s arms. Jeremy pulled him close and rested his chin on the top of Kai’s head.

  “He’d been down before, a few days here and there of what I would call ‘the blues.’ But nothing like what went on those last couple of months.”

  “Dysthymia,” Kai murmured, and Jeremy raised his head from the pillow to stare at him.

  “That’s what his therapist said it was called,” he exclaimed softly.

  “My bachelor’s is in psychology,” Kai explained, running his hand up and down Jeremy’s chest and belly. “Dysthymia is considered a low-grade depression, and most people can function without medication, but sometimes it manifests into full-blown clinical depression due to an underlying situational cause, or sometimes it just happens for no apparent reason.”

  “God, Kai, it was literally overnight with him. He seemed fine one day and then the next morning couldn’t get out of bed. Didn’t get out of bed for days, couldn’t function at all. He missed deadlines, lost several of his graphic design clients, and he didn’t seem to care. The only thing he could rouse himself for was Zachary’s doctor appointments.”

  Jeremy hesitated for so long that Kai finally lifted his head from Jeremy’s shoulder to look into his face. Jeremy was biting his lip, indecision mixed with guilt as he obviously debated with himself whether to say more.

  “And you were worried about his recovery and his ability to even take care of the baby, weren’t you?” Kai asked carefully, sensing Jeremy needed to talk about this but not wanting to overstep his bounds, destroy the tentative relationship they were building.

  Jeremy squeezed his eyes shut, and when he opened them again, they were sheened with tears.

  “Every day, Kai,” he said thickly. “Every goddamned day. The therapist said he wasn’t a danger to himself or others, but how could I trust him around a fragile newborn when he was so fucking fragile himself? God, he was so fragile. And he knew it too, and I think his fear of that very thing hampered his recovery. He wouldn’t talk about it with me, though, and I didn’t want to hurt him by expressing that sort of doubt. The one thing he wanted most in the world was to be a good father.”

  “Clinical depression is an insidious disease, Jeremy,” Kai murmured. “You know he was sick, but it sounds like he was getting good care, and he had your support and love. It would have been okay.” He raised his head and kissed Jeremy softly, grunting as Jeremy suddenly clutched him tight, clinging to him.

  “I’ve never had anyone to talk to about this,” Jeremy whispered. “I’ve always wondered if I’d done enough for him, if I’d been patient enough, loving enough. If he knew that I never blamed him for any of it.”

  “You did the best you could for him, Jeremy,” Kai said gently. “It’s obvious that you loved him deeply, and any mistakes you made came from the fact that you’re human, not that you weren’t trying or that you didn’t love him enough.”

  Jeremy hugged him again. “You have no idea how much it helps to hear somebody say that. Thanks for listening, Kai. I mean it.”

  “You’re welcome,” Kai said. “Take it one day at a time, Jeremy. That’s all you can do.”

  They lay in comfortable silence for a little while, and Kai was on the verge of drifting off to sleep when he heard Jeremy say softly, “I know it doesn’t seem like it at times, but I really am ready to move on with my life.”

  “One day at a time,” Kai repeated, nuzzling into Jeremy’s neck, and before sliding into sleep, he dimly heard him chuckle and say, “You’ve really got to meet my friend Jase one of these days.”

  JEREMY CAME awake slowly, by degrees, reluctantly, so warm and comfortable he thought he’d be okay not moving for the rest of his life. He turned his head to look at Kai, still sound asleep beside him, and Jeremy didn’t think he’d ever seen anything so beautiful. Kai’s thick black hair was tousled, his face scrubbed clean, no trace of eyeliner; he must have gotten up in the night at some point to wash his face. His lip ring was gone, and Jeremy could see the flesh-colored plastic of the retainer he had in there to keep the piercing open.

  Kai was on his stomach, the sheet down around his hips, his leanly muscled body looking powerful even in sleep. The white scars on his arms and hands stood out in stark contrast to his otherwise-flawless brown skin, and the fantasy of that skin against Jeremy’s light gray sheets didn’t even come close to the reality. Jeremy couldn’t help but touch, running his hand lightly over Kai’s back, tracing his fingertips over the tattoo that decorated one shoulder and extended partway down Kai’s bicep. It was a complicated design that looked like a combination of vine and barbed wire, no color to it at all, just a rich black. Normally Jeremy didn’t care for body art, but this suited Kai perfectly, a blend of beauty with a hint of danger.

  Jeremy was so engrossed in his exploration of Kai’s tattoo that when he looked into his face again and saw those golden eyes staring back at him, Jeremy was startled into a gasp. There was no trace of the gentle, understanding man of the night before. These eyes were hot, glowing with a hunger that was almost feral. Jeremy’s gut clenched as desire blasted through him, and his cock was instantly, painfully erect. He didn’t protest as Kai sat up and pushed Jeremy to his back, then straddled him with a predatory grace. He was hard too, and Jeremy licked his lips.

  Kai smirked, then reached down between his legs and cupped his own balls, squeezing and rolling them, stroking his length slowly with his other hand, rubbing the bundle of nerves just under the head with his thumb, then squeezing hard, milking up a bead of clear fluid Kai caught on his fingertip and brought to Jeremy’s lips. Jeremy sucked at Kai’s finger eagerly, almost desperately, groaning at the salty taste that exploded in his mouth.

  “Yeah, baby, I know you want it,” Kai crooned. He stroked himself some more, building a rhythm, moving his hips in slow circles, thrusting his cock through the tunnel of his own fist, smoothing his other hand up his flexing abs to twist his nipple ring, biting his lip at the sensation. Jeremy was driven out of his mind at the sight, the sexual abandon and sensuality nothing he’d ever seen or experienced before in his life.

  He put his hands lightly on Kai’s hips, riding the motion, wanting desperately to thrust inside him and fuck him until he screamed. But Kai stopped what he was doing, leaned down, and caged Jeremy in with his arms, hovering his lips a mere whisper from Jeremy’s.

  “I didn’t say you could touch me,” Kai growled, brushing their lips together as he spoke. “Put your hands on the headboard and don’t move them.”

  “Or what?” Jeremy challenged, tightening his fingers even more, digging his thumbs in to Kai’s hips to the point of pain.

  “Or else I’ll stop, and I’ll go into the bathroom and m
ake myself come, and you won’t be able to see me but you’ll hear me, baby. You’ll hear every… fucking… thing.”

  He sat back again and flicked his nipple ring with his thumbnail, squeezing his cockhead with his fingers, a long, low moan breaking from him. His eyes were full of dark promise, and Jeremy knew without a doubt he’d do what he said, make Jeremy listen to the sounds of his pleasure but deny him the sight. There was nothing Jeremy wouldn’t do to prevent that from happening, so he let go of Kai and reached over his head, placing his palms flat against the leather headboard.

  Kai walked on his knees up Jeremy’s torso until his thighs were snugged up into Jeremy’s armpits, and Jeremy raised his head and buried his face in Kai’s balls, rubbing his nose and open mouth against them. Kai let him for minute, then grasped Jeremy by the hair and pulled him away.

  “You want to taste me, you wait for me to give it to you, understand?”

  Jeremy nodded, dropping his head back to the pillow, his heart thundering and his cock throbbing to the point of pain. Kai stroked himself again, milking up more drops of precome that he smeared around the tip with his thumb, making the angry purple head glisten enticingly. Jeremy’s mouth watered helplessly, and he heard himself whispering, “Please.”

  Kai made him wait a few more agonizing seconds, then stood up further on his knees, gripping the top of the headboard with one hand, wrapping the other around himself, saying in a low purr, “I can’t resist a hot man begging for my cock. Open.”

  When Jeremy complied, his neck arching back, Kai fed him the fat tip, groaning as Jeremy closed his lips around it and sucked eagerly, lapping up the fluid with his tongue, stabbing it into the slit.

  “That’s it, clean me up. Just like that, feels so good.” Kai fucked Jeremy’s mouth with shallow thrusts, not giving him more than a taste, pulling back to rub his balls over Jeremy’s cheeks and chin. Jeremy chased them with his mouth, not even trying to suppress his moans, scrabbling his fingers uselessly against the headboard as he fought not to grip Kai’s ass and force that cock into his mouth and down his throat.

  Finally Kai tired of the game, scooting back to straddle Jeremy’s hips again, ignoring Jeremy’s growl of disappointment. Kai slammed his mouth down over Jeremy’s and kissed him brutally, shoving his tongue deep, tasting every crevice before putting his lips to Jeremy’s ear and hissing, “How long has it been since you’ve had a man inside you?”

  Jeremy gasped, then stammered, “C-college boyfriend. Long time ago.”

  Kai smirked, then moved off of Jeremy to kneel at his side. “If you want it, turn over. Ass up.”

  Jeremy held Kai’s eyes with his own for long seconds before reaching underneath his pillow and tossing the lube and condoms he’d stashed there into the middle of the bed, then rolling to his belly and pushing to his knees, keeping his shoulders down on the bed. His whole body was trembling with a heady combination of arousal and trepidation, and he felt Kai rest his hand briefly on the small of his back, caressing the sensitive skin with his thumb. Reassured, Jeremy relaxed completely, sliding his knees out farther to the side, waiting.

  Kai moved behind him, smoothing his hands down Jeremy’s sweaty back before Kai suddenly pulled Jeremy’s ass cheeks wide apart and dove between them with his hot, wet mouth. Jeremy shouted in surprise, then moaned in agonized pleasure as his hole was sucked and licked, Kai massaging the skin around it with a rough thumb, pushing a slick finger, then two deep inside him. He writhed helplessly, biting the pillow to muffle the desperate whimpers that welled in his throat as Kai’s wicked fingers stretched him wide, then shoved deep, over and over.

  “Please, Kai, please,” he begged, circling his hips. He pushed up on his elbows for purchase, shoving back, desperately needing more than fingers inside him.

  A tear of foil and snap of latex, then a blunt intrusion at his entrance, a digging, a burning, and he moaned in pain but pushed back more, hearing Kai’s hiss as the motion shoved him deeper.

  “So hot and tight, Jeremy,” Kai groaned. “So good.” He gripped Jeremy’s hips and made little pulsing thrusts, opening Jeremy up slowly and carefully until his hipbones were flush against Jeremy’s ass, his cock buried to the hilt.

  “Oh Christ, fuck me,” Jeremy grated, not even recognizing the ragged sound of his own voice, moaning as Kai pulled back almost to the tip and slammed back home. “Yes!” Kai set a rhythm that threatened to drive Jeremy out of his mind, pulling completely out and then forcing himself back inside, making Jeremy feel every inch, every ridge, every vein as it dragged along the sensitive nerves of his inner passage.

  Jeremy circled his hips, bearing down, squeezing Kai’s cock until he finally succeeded in breaking Kai’s control, hearing his guttural roar as he rewarded Jeremy with a series of thrusts that shoved them both up the bed several inches. Jeremy pushed up fully onto the palms of his hands, fucking back in countermotion until Kai brought his hand around his throat and up to his chin, pulling Jeremy’s head and neck back into a painful arch, immobilizing him.

  “Hold still and take what I give you,” Kai growled, punctuating each word with a balls-deep snap of his hips, the sound of their skin slapping together loud in Jeremy’s ears. Jeremy stood up on his knees and reached back with one arm, wrapping it around Kai’s neck, gripping Kai’s thigh with the other, holding on, his body completely given up to his use.

  When Jeremy sensed Kai was getting close, his thrusts growing more ragged, losing the rhythm, he turned his head and pressed his lips into Kai’s cheek, gasping, “Touch me, Gorgeous, please.”

  Kai wrapped one hand around Jeremy’s cock, and less than a half-dozen strokes later, Jeremy was coming so hard his vision darkened, hearing himself wail as the pleasure bore down on him, arcs of come splattering the sheets and pillows beneath him. Kai was right there with him, groaning incoherent words in Jeremy’s ear as his cock throbbed deep inside Jeremy’s ass, his hips stuttering as Kai fucked them both through the wrenching spasms.

  Finally Kai let go of Jeremy’s neck and Jeremy collapsed forward in a heap, not caring about the sticky mess beneath him, Kai riding the motion down to the bed, his sweaty chest stuck to Jeremy’s back, his weight pressing him into the soft mattress. They lay there, gasping for air, their lips nuzzling each other’s stubbly cheeks, damp hair, any skin they could reach.

  Kai pushed off of Jeremy and dealt with the condom, his turn to bring the warm washcloth back and clean them up. Jeremy rolled onto his side away from the mess on the sheets, feeling Kai spoon up behind him, rubbing his hand soothingly up and down Jeremy’s chest and belly.

  “You okay?” he whispered.

  “Mmmm,” Jeremy hummed, tilting his head back for a kiss. They kissed lazily for several minutes, enjoying the afterglow. “I may not walk ever again for the rest of my life, but wow, Kai. I didn’t know I needed that but—I needed that.”

  “Me too,” Kai murmured, hugging Jeremy close. They drifted off to sleep, and Jeremy didn’t know how long it was before he felt the bed dip as Kai eased himself away, heard the rustling sound of him dressing as quietly as he could, and he rolled over to his back and peered blearily up at him.

  “You leaving?”

  “Yeah, I gotta go, Jere,” Kai said, sitting on the edge of the bed and leaning over for a quick kiss. “Busy week ahead, but I’ll call you. And next Saturday you want us to meet you here with the boys, or the new place?”

  Jeremy was still groggy with sleep and satiation, but he managed to mumble, “New house, I think. I’ll text you the address, okay?”

  “Okay.” Kai kissed him, then was gone, and Jeremy rolled to his stomach and was asleep again before the door even closed behind him.

  Chapter 12

  WHEN JEREMY awoke several hours later, he was chagrined to realize he was indeed having trouble walking. His ass was throbbing from the inside out, unaccustomed to the pounding Kai had subjected it to. God, he wouldn’t have missed that for the world, though. What a fabulous rush it was, to be held firmly unde
r a lover’s control, to not have to do anything but take the pleasure he was being given. Jeremy definitely wouldn’t mind repeating the experience someday.

  For what remained of Sunday, Jeremy rested, sat in the Jacuzzi, and relived every moment of his night with Kai, including their talk. During his few months in rehab, Jeremy stubbornly resisted the group or individual grief counseling he was offered, cynically rejecting the idea anyone who hadn’t known Brent, or didn’t know Jeremy, would be able to offer him any help at all. A fifteen-minute conversation with Kai showed Jeremy what a shortsighted asshole he was in depriving himself of the opportunity to talk through and articulate some of the self-doubt and worry he’d been living with after his family’s deaths. He really hindered himself, and his healing, by refusing the professional help he was offered.

  Monday and Tuesday passed quickly, Jeremy busy with meetings with his general contractor and the various entities he needed to see to get his law practice up and running. By Wednesday when he still hadn’t heard from Kai, he debated calling him, but before he could his phone chimed with an incoming text: Sooo busy! But can’t stop thinking about you. See you on Saturday!

  Jeremy sent a short reply, then smiled, the small interaction warming his heart.

  On Friday morning while sitting in a coffee shop, Jeremy, gripped by a spirit of devilment, sent Kai a text. Wanna lick you.

  A few minutes later, the reply came back: Dude, are you seriously sexting me at work? Jeremy snorted, hearing Kai’s incredulous tone in his head, feeling suitably chastened for bothering him while he was teaching children, for Christ’s sake. Just as Jeremy was about to put his phone away, another chime. Where?

  Jeremy laughed out loud, startling an elderly couple at the table next to him, and his thumbs flew furiously over the phone’s keyboard as he replied. For the rest of the day they went back and forth, sometimes with an hour or more delay between Kai’s responses as he was busy with his responsibilities, and by that evening, the exchange had grown extremely heated.