Signs of Life

by Melanie Hansen

  Kai squeezed Jeremy’s fingers, his eyes full of compassion. Jeremy searched his face for traces of judgment and saw none. It gave him the courage to describe how he walked away from Leticia and Keith at the doctor’s office, how he paid them off without a backward glance and never spoke to them again.

  “My husband, the man I loved, had died in my arms only a month before. I couldn’t—I couldn’t face going through the same thing with the baby, couldn’t face making him real, someone else I had to say good-bye to, and then let go of. I was barely hanging on as it was; I’m not sure I would have survived that.”

  Kai reached up with his free hand and stroked Jeremy’s face, and Jeremy was relieved he didn’t say anything. What was there to say, really? He appreciated Kai’s ability to just listen without feeling like he had to offer platitudes or empty advice, or think he had to babble to fill an uncomfortable silence. He turned his face into Kai’s palm and kissed it.

  “Kai, I—what you said earlier about—”

  “About loving you?” Kai whispered. “Jeremy, I don’t need or expect you to—”

  “I know, Gorgeous,” Jeremy interrupted gently. “You just need to know that, no matter what happens between us or where we go from here, I don’t want to have children. You and I have never talked about it, and if we want our relationship to keep moving forward, I just feel like that’s something I need to put out there. I don’t have the strength to light any more candles.”

  Jeremy watched as Kai registered that, sussing out the meaning, and he swallowed hard before he said, “Well, I guess up to now I hadn’t thought about it much. I’m so busy with my career, and at the moment, I’ve got all the children I could possibly ever want Monday through Friday, seven forty-five to two thirty. But someday—I don’t know.”

  It was Jeremy’s turn to squeeze Kai’s fingers in comfort, his gaze steady, unwavering. Kai firmed his lips and said with resolution, “What I said in bed, Jeremy, I didn’t say it just because we were in bed. I meant it, and your happiness is everything to me. If it ever comes up, we’ll deal with it together.”

  Jeremy felt relief and emotion flood him with warmth, and he pulled Kai close, the thought running through his mind, One more candle and it glows just as brightly.

  Chapter 15

  THE NEXT morning Jeremy woke up out of sorts, and he lay there in bed analyzing the reason why. Part of it was Kai’s side of the bed was cold, Kai nowhere in sight. Jeremy went from shying away from the intimacy of sleeping with someone again to wanting to savor every moment he had with Kai during their weekends. Most nights Jeremy wrapped around him and spooned him all night, and his favorite mornings were when he woke to Kai’s hot mouth on various parts of his body.

  Jeremy’s cock throbbed, and he rubbed himself, knowing the other part of his crankiness was the emotional overload of the night before. He never regretted sharing things with Kai, but it had been difficult to articulate his feelings about Zachary, to make them make sense to anybody not in his own head. It felt good to talk about it, but now Jeremy felt raw and vulnerable, and not having Kai in bed with him when he woke up didn’t help.

  Jeremy got up and pulled on a pair of sleep pants over his nakedness, and he padded off to the kitchen, where he saw Kai standing in front of the island, bare chested and wearing a pair of sleep pants of his own, stirring a cup of coffee. A feeling of possessiveness and lust roared through Jeremy, and he stalked him, coming up behind him and caging him in against the island with his arms and body.

  “I don’t like it when I wake up hard and aching, ready to fuck, and my man isn’t in bed with me,” he growled.

  He smirked with pure male satisfaction when he heard Kai’s husky moan, and he trailed his lips along Kai’s bare shoulder, bringing one hand down to fondle him through his pants, bringing him to full hardness with a few long strokes.

  Jeremy hooked his fingers in Kai’s waistband and yanked the pants down to his thighs, biting down hard in the junction between neck and shoulder before hissing, “Put your hands flat on the counter and bend over.”

  Kai obeyed immediately, starting to move his hips in slow circles, rubbing Jeremy’s cock with his luscious ass. Jeremy stepped on the crotch of Kai’s pants and pushed them the rest of the way down, kicking them away before shoving Kai’s feet farther apart with his own. Kai undulated against him again, and Jeremy smacked one muscular cheek sharply with the flat of his hand.

  “Don’t move,” he warned, “or I’ll stop and make you stand there while I jerk off all over you and then walk away.”

  “Stop what?” Kai whispered goadingly. “You’re not doing anything yet. Do it!”

  Jeremy smacked his ass again, then spit into his palm and reached around, taking Kai’s cock in his slick hand and starting to stroke him slowly, base to tip, rotating his palm over the head. Kai moaned, and Jeremy hissed again, “Don’t move, or I’ll stop.”

  Jeremy jacked him leisurely, lazily, varying the speed and pressure, cradling Kai’s heavy balls with one palm. When they tightened and drew up dangerously, Jeremy backed off, bringing Kai to the brink again and again but not letting him go over until Kai’s back was sheened with sweat and little whimpers were breaking from his lips as he fought to not to move, his fingers flexing and scrabbling at the unforgiving granite of the countertop.

  “Beg me. Beg me to let you come,” Jeremy growled into Kai’s ear, thrusting his tongue hotly inside the sensitive shell as he pumped Kai hard and fast. Kai arched his neck back, his mouth open in a silent cry. Jeremy slowed his strokes again, trailing his lips over Kai’s stubbly cheek as he whispered, “Beg me.”

  “Please, baby, let me come,” Kai rasped brokenly. “Please, I need to come.”

  Jeremy pushed his own pants down to his thighs, snugging his enormous erection firmly in the crack of Kai’s ass before reaching around again and giving Kai what he needed, jacking him relentlessly.

  “Give it up for me now. Shoot your load for me,” Jeremy encouraged, starting a firm massage with the hand cradling Kai’s balls, milking him. Kai’s knees were shaking, and he threw his head back and screamed. Jeremy cupped his hand over the head of Kai’s cock, feeling the hot jets filling his palm and stringing over his fingers, long pulses that seemed to go on and on.

  Kai collapsed down to his elbows against the countertop, and Jeremy slicked himself with Kai’s come, then shoved two wet fingers deep inside his ass, stretching him, coating him on the inside with his fluid. Kai could barely stand, and Jeremy wrapped his arm like an iron bar around his waist, holding him as he lined up and thrust, his own knees threatening to collapse at the feel of Kai’s stubborn muscles fighting the broad head of Jeremy’s dick before surrendering and letting him in.

  “Oh my God,” Jeremy groaned. “Jesus!” He froze as he fought not to come in the first ten seconds, and now the tables were turned as Kai bore down, rotating his hips in slow circles as he massaged Jeremy’s bare cock with his tight passage.

  “Feels good, don’t it?” Kai said coarsely. “Hot ass takin’ that cock. Fuck me now, fuck me like you mean it!”

  Jeremy gritted his teeth, digging his fingers into Kai’s hips, fighting to hold him still, but he couldn’t stop Kai from fluttering those muscles against him, and with a roar Jeremy shoved balls deep, starting a hard, fast rhythm that filled the kitchen with the sound of slapping skin, of male grunts and hoarse groans.

  Kai flattened his chest against the granite, stretching his arms over his head to grip the opposite edge of the counter as he gave himself up to Jeremy’s use, and Jeremy pulled up on Kai’s hips, yanking him to his toes as he gave him long, hard strokes, looking down and growling at the sight of his bare cock, slick with Kai’s own come, tunneling in and out, Kai’s ass stretched wide to take it.

  Jeremy couldn’t hold on and shoved deep before erupting in long wrenching spurts, shouting at the feeling of coming deep inside Kai, no barrier between them, and with a broken moan, he pulled out swiftly, watching greedily as hot spunk leaked out
of Kai’s fluttering hole and slid down the inside of his trembling thigh. Without thinking Jeremy dropped to his knees and licked up the glistening trail, chasing it up to the source, sucking roughly on him before standing up and spinning Kai around, taking his chin in a firm grip. Kai was already opening his mouth for Jeremy’s tongue as Jeremy shoved it deep, moaning at the feel of Kai taking their combined come from it.

  “Taste us,” Jeremy whispered, nipping at Kai’s plump, slick lips. “Taste us both.” He licked leisurely at Kai’s mouth as they both recovered, loving the way Kai clung to his shoulders like his life depended on it, and Jeremy wrapped his arms around Kai’s waist and held on just as tightly.

  “I’D MUCH rather you not go tonight, Kai,” Jeremy said tensely. “The wind is really picking up.” Jeremy clenched his hands into fists at his sides, and he drew a deep breath, making an effort to relax.

  Kai glanced out the picture window as he pulled on his coat and boots. “I’ve been driving in this kind of weather for years, Jeremy, and besides, it’s not that bad. Florida and California boys don’t get that.” Kai’s voice was teasing, but Jeremy could hear a thread of impatience underneath it, and so he subsided, unwilling to let the weekend end on a sour note.

  Kai was right. He was used to this kind of weather, and there was no reason for Jeremy to worry. Kai’s Jeep was old but it was reliable, and he didn’t have all that far to go. Jeremy forced a smile to his lips, and he jammed his hands in his jeans pockets to hide their shaking. Jesus, he had to get a fucking grip.

  “Okay,” he said quietly. “But will you at least call me when you get home? The minute you get home?”

  “Always do,” Kai assured him, his face softening. “The minute I get home.” He moved into Jeremy’s arms for a leisurely kiss good-bye, and Jeremy had to force himself not to clutch at him, make him stay.

  “Can I see you sometime during the week?” he asked. “You could come over for dinner at least, even if you can’t stay. Or I could come take you out.”

  Kai’s face clouded over with sincere regret, and he stroked Jeremy’s cheek. “I don’t have a spare minute this whole week, unfortunately. I’m starting that after-school tutoring, remember? In a couple of weeks, it should slow down, and we’ll have more time together after that. But I’ll call you every night this week, I promise.”

  Jeremy hugged him tight and then let him go. Breathing deeply, he watched Kai back carefully down the driveway, the thick blowing snow obscuring his headlights almost immediately. He’ll be fine, Jeremy scolded himself.

  They’d had a wonderful and relaxing Sunday, napping, talking, eating. Then Kai had looked at his watch and mentioned he had some work he wanted to do at home, grading papers or something, and nothing could dissuade him from leaving. Jeremy had to remind himself Kai wasn’t like Brent, who’d been content to let his life revolve around Jeremy and their home. He was a man with a full and rewarding life of his own, separate and apart from what he shared with Jeremy.

  Jeremy paced and looked at his phone constantly, waiting for it to ring or at least chime with an incoming text. It remained frustratingly silent as fifteen minutes passed and crept up on thirty. Where is he? Finally Jeremy couldn’t take it anymore and he called Kai’s phone, gritting his teeth as it rang five times and went to voice mail. Jeremy waited five minutes and called again. And again. Nothing.

  Finally after an hour, Jeremy pulled on a coat and got into his Land Rover, navigating the route Kai would have taken home, his heart in his throat as he drove slowly and carefully, looking for wreckage off to the side of the road. Jeremy knew about spots of treacherous black ice, seemingly benign patches that lurked under snow and could send a car spinning off the road and into a tree. There was no sign of anything, and eventually Jeremy pulled up in front of Kai’s house, fresh terror gripping him as he saw it was dark and silent, Kai’s Jeep nowhere to be seen.

  Starting to really panic, Jeremy called Kai’s number again, then scrolled frantically through his contacts, realizing he never bothered to get Loren’s number from Kai. Jeremy had no other way to reach him. To find him.

  Jeremy drove home again to wait, his breaths sawing in and out in barely suppressed sobs. He didn’t even bother to pull his Land Rover into the garage, just left it haphazardly in the drive as he stumbled up the porch steps and into his cabin, stripping his coat off and collapsing into a chair at his kitchen table, his fucking silent phone clutched in his hand. The same refrain ran through his mind, over and over again, He’s been gone too long. He’s been gone too long.

  His body gone completely numb, Jeremy just sat there. Finally there was the sound of a key in the lock and footsteps rushing into the kitchen.

  “Oh my God, Jeremy.” Kai’s voice was low and anguished as he dropped to his knees next to Jeremy’s chair, covering Jeremy’s icy-cold hands with his own, trying to pry Jeremy’s phone loose from fingers he’d clenched so tight Jeremy couldn’t feel them anymore.

  “Come on, sweetheart. Let go of the phone,” Kai choked out. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” Jeremy finally relinquished it and Kai helped him to his feet, trying to pull him into his arms. His legs were so numb he stumbled and fell heavily against Kai, making him stagger back a step, and then Kai’s arms were around him, his voice in Jeremy’s ear, penetrating the noise in his head, “I’ve got you, Jeremy. I’ve got you.”

  Jeremy felt tremors start from deep inside and spread outward until his whole body was trembling.

  Kai’s voice was ragged as he explained, “I stopped by a store to get lunch for tomorrow, and when I came out, my tire was flat.” Kai made a sound of distress deep in his throat as Jeremy’s shaking intensified, and he hugged him closer, rubbing his back, saying roughly, “We need to get you warm.”

  He led Jeremy toward the patio, getting the Jacuzzi uncovered and setting it to bubbling. As Kai undressed him, Jeremy stood as unresisting as a child, shivering so hard his teeth were chattering, and once they were both naked, Kai helped Jeremy down into the hot water, eased himself down next to him, then pulled him close.

  “I forgot to call you, Jeremy,” Kai rasped, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I called Loren to help me change the tire. It took a long time, and then we were cold and hungry, so we went to a coffee shop. I left my phone in the Jeep the whole time and I forgot to call you. It was thoughtless, and when I picked up my phone and saw the missed calls from you and realized—”

  “I thought something had happened to you, Kai,” Jeremy choked, the tremors wracking his whole body. “It was just like—like before. He left, and he was gone too long. He was gone too long, and he never came back—”

  “Jeremy,” Kai whispered achingly. “Oh God—”

  To Jeremy’s horror he felt sobs bubbling up from his chest and into his throat, and he fought them for a brief minute before turning to Kai, burying his face in his neck and falling completely apart. Kai rocked him, murmuring to him, his own tears wet against Jeremy’s cheek.

  Eventually Jeremy, emotionally spent, let Kai wrap him in a towel and lead him to bed. Kai held him close the entire night, and Jeremy unabashedly clung to him, surprising himself when he fell asleep and slept deeply. Judging from the dark circles under his eyes in the morning, though, Kai obviously spent a sleepless night himself, his guilt and contrition seeming to weigh heavily on him. Jeremy wanted to reassure him, but now he knew Kai was safe, a sense of anger started burning in his gut at Kai’s thoughtlessness. He waited in stony silence by the door as Kai pulled his coat on in the entryway, needing to leave and get ready for school. He suddenly turned to Jeremy and took Jeremy’s face in his hands, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs.

  “You know better than anyone that life doesn’t come with any guarantees,” Kai said gently. “I can’t promise you that nothing will ever happen to me, but I hope you know that I would never willingly leave you. Just like Brent didn’t want to leave you.”

  After Kai drove off, Jeremy changed his clothes and headed out for a punis
hing run, not caring about the slushy snow he kicked up that soaked his pants from knee to ankle, the cold air that burned into his lungs like knives with every breath. As he ran he relived his utter terror from the night before, the anguish of not knowing what might have happened, giving his anger at Kai full rein.

  Then Kai’s words of a few minutes ago ran through his mind: Just like Brent didn’t want to leave you. Jeremy’s stride faltered. Of course he knew Brent didn’t want to leave him. Didn’t he? His husband went to run a mundane errand and was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Brent didn’t want to die, didn’t want to leave Jeremy, and the fact he did certainly wasn’t his fault. The other driver was to blame, maybe even Brent’s beloved old car that lacked the safety features that might have saved Brent’s life. Jeremy was angry at them, not the man who paid the price. Wasn’t he?

  He thought about the afternoon he erupted all over Jase, bitterly accusing his friend, the one who stood by him through Brent’s death and the aftermath, of being the one who should have died. He hadn’t meant it, oh Christ, he hadn’t meant it. Jase didn’t do anything but survive a war zone, just like Kai didn’t do anything but be human for one fucking minute. He was angry at Kai for letting his stress over a flat tire, in addition to the stress of his demanding life, overwhelm him for a few brief moments so he forgot to call Jeremy and make things better for him, things that were in no way Kai’s responsibility to make better.

  Jeremy’s stride picked up again and he ran full-out, punishing himself as he realized, yes, he’d been so fucking angry at Brent for getting killed. For not seeing that one-ton pickup truck going twice the speed limit on a residential street, the driver distracted by texting, bearing down on him from the side, ready to smash into him. For not doing something, anything, to avoid it, to stay alive, to stay with Jeremy.

  And Jeremy, like the fucking tool he was, transferred that anger to Jase, now to Kai, and none of those men deserved it, not one. Especially Brent, his sweet Brent, who would have thrown himself off a building before ever willfully hurting him. Jeremy staggered to a stop and leaned against a tree, finally letting go of the last vestiges of what had been tying him to the past, what kept him from moving on once and for all, that kept him from embracing fully the new life that was waiting for him.