Signs of Life

by Melanie Hansen

  “Forgive me, Brent, for blaming you,” he whispered. And even though the underlying feeling was irrational and unfair, it had to be said. “And I forgive you for dying.”

  Jeremy felt the remaining weight of the past drop off his shoulders, and he turned and headed for home.

  THE FOLLOWING Friday afternoon, Kai stared disconsolately at Shauna’s empty seat, worried sick about the girl. She hadn’t been in class all week, hadn’t attended any of the after-school tutoring sessions Kai set up with her specifically in mind, even though he was thrilled when some of the other kids made an effort to be there, Craig included. Good scores on the benchmark and state testing would go a long way toward Shauna’s eventual scholarship application, and Kai wanted to make sure she was as prepared as she could possibly be. He called her house every night this past week to check on her, and a gruff, rude man—whom Kai assumed was the mother’s boyfriend—finally told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off, that Shauna was busy taking care of that “fuckin’ brat” she’d decided to have. School came last, in this dickhead’s opinion. Kai wanted to go over and smash his face in.

  Kai was stressed, but he didn’t realize how much he was taking it out on everyone around him until Krav Maga practice that night.

  “What the fuck is up with you?” Loren’s voice was harsh, and Kai’s head snapped around. He didn’t think he’d ever heard Loren use that tone with him.

  “What the hell do you mean?” He heard the irritability in his own voice, and he winced. This wasn’t the way to go about anything.

  “I mean the way you acted tonight. You’re mad at the world, man, and you even bit Elise’s head off when she made that wrong move.”

  Kai stopped short, and Loren, trailing along behind him toward the Krav Maga parking lot, almost bumped into him.

  “Shit.” Kai slumped his shoulders, and he leaned over and braced his hands on his thighs, breathing deeply. “I need to go apologize to her, you think?”

  Loren’s face softened, and he said, “Nah, letting her kick your ass was apology enough. She whaled on you but good, and I don’t think you even felt it.”

  Now that Loren mentioned it, Kai could feel how his ribs and kidney area ached, and yeah, Elise really let him have it tonight. He wished he could remember what he said to her to precipitate it, but his mind was full of Jeremy, like it had been for days, ever since Kai’s fuck-up of massive proportions.

  Suddenly he desperately needed to talk about it with his best friend, and he said, “Come over to my place and I’ll buy you a beer.”

  Loren searched his face and then nodded. “Okay, but as long as I get to use your shower first. I have swamp ass like you wouldn’t believe.”

  Kai snorted a helpless laugh and said, “Deal. Meet you there in ten.”

  Thirty minutes later Loren was firmly ensconced on Kai’s couch, freshly showered, a bottle of Kai’s favorite beer in his hand.

  “Might not be around much for a while,” Loren warned, taking a huge pull of his beer. “What the LT wanted to talk to me about last week was an undercover gig that’s bigger than anything I’ve worked on up to now. This is my chance to prove myself, set myself up to make detective someday.”

  Kai could tell Loren was excited about the opportunity, even as he felt a wave of self-pity go through him at the thought of Loren not being around. Other than their rare spats, they had talked almost every day for years and Kai had come to depend on him. He said as much, and Loren stared at him for a minute.

  “What about your boyfriend?” he asked pointedly. “The one you’re exclusive with now? I clearly remember you telling me not that long ago that the booty calls would have to end.” He grabbed Kai’s ass jokingly as Kai pushed by him to sit on the couch. Kai gave him a dirty look, then sighed.

  “There’s no way I can burden him with my shit the way I do you.”

  “Whoa, there, hoss,” Loren said. “If that’s the case, then this guy isn’t a ‘boyfriend,’ he’s a fuck buddy. If you want to call it a relationship, then you share the burdens. Even I know that.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m an epic fuckup,” Kai said miserably. Loren wrapped his arm around Kai’s shoulders and pulled him close.

  “Well, come on, tell Daddy Loren all about it,” he leered, and Kai socked him on the shoulder.

  “Would you stop with the ‘daddy’ shit? You know it creeps me out!”

  Loren grinned, and Kai settled his head on his shoulder as he told Loren about the night of the flat tire, how he rushed back to Jeremy’s house and found him shaking, his face bone-white, his phone clenched so tightly in his hand Kai was surprised it wasn’t ground to dust.

  When he finished Loren kissed the top of his head and said, “Excuse you for being human, Kai, and making a mistake. I wouldn’t call that an ‘epic fuckup.’ It was one lousy mistake.”

  Kai socked Loren again halfheartedly, then said, “How can you call reminding Jeremy of the day his husband died ‘one lousy mistake’? You didn’t see his face, how he—how he cried in my arms, Loren.”

  “Did you do it on purpose? Did you deliberately set out to remind him of the day his husband died, re-create it so that he could relive it in excruciating detail?”

  “Fuck no!” Kai cried. “What are you talking about?”

  “Then it was a mistake. You got distracted, you forgot to call him, and it reminded him of a really shitty time in his life. That’s basically his problem, Kai. You can’t take responsibility for that.”

  “He’s been through so much. So fucking much.”

  “You knew he had a fuck-ton of emotional baggage when you got involved with him,” Loren said, not unsympathetically. “Stuff like this was bound to happen eventually, and if it wasn’t that particular thing, it probably would have been another. The man has to work through his own shit, Kai. All you can do is the best you can with what you have, try to be there to support him, let him support you. That’s a relationship.”

  Kai was silent for a while, enjoying the comfort of Loren’s big body, the ease of friendship.

  “I love him, Loren,” Kai said quietly. “I want to make him happy, not make his life any harder than it has been.”

  Loren kissed the top of his head again and said, “If you love him, Kai, you can’t shut him out now. Trust him to be what you need.”

  Loren pushed Kai away and got up to get another beer, plopping back down on the couch with a heavy sigh. “So have you talked to him this week?”

  “Yeah, I have, every night.”

  “And how is he, pissed off? Being an asshole to you because of your ‘fuckup’?” Loren said, complete with air quotes.

  “No,” Kai replied slowly, “he’s been the same, even apologized for getting angry with me that morning after. He just said he wished I’d called him instead of you to help me with the tire, could have avoided the whole thing.”

  “He’s got a point, Kai. He’s obviously come to trust you enough to be vulnerable with you, to let you start taking care of his needs. If he didn’t think he could handle doing the same for you, I think after what happened he would have ended it pretty quickly. The man has the capability of putting up some hella strong shields, baby, and he apparently didn’t after this. Give him a chance.”

  Kai nodded but still felt largely unconvinced. All of this was easier said than done, given Loren hadn’t seen Jeremy’s face that night, the way he fell apart in Kai’s arms over something Kai did. He just couldn’t ask Jeremy to shoulder any of Kai’s burdens, not now, even though he did sense Jeremy was getting emotionally stronger by the day. The difference between now and six months ago when they first met was striking. Jeremy’s eyes most often glowed with silver warmth instead of that flat back-off gray stare, and he was open, affectionate.

  Kai felt their relationship was basically strong and moving forward despite Kai’s epic fuckup, and he didn’t want to do anything else to cause him distress or cause him to take any steps backward in his recovery. If Loren wasn’t around, Kai would deal with
shit on his own. There was just no other choice.

  Chapter 16

  JEREMY FINISHED clearing the table, stacking the dirty dishes in the sink for later, wrapping up the leftovers, and storing them in the fridge. As an afterthought he pulled the ham out again and carved off several pieces for Loren to take home, then ended up filling plastic containers full of the various sides for him too.

  Jeremy stirred the mulled wine that was simmering in the crockpot next to the stove before filling three mugs with the hot, spicy beverage, putting them on a tray and carrying them out to the patio where Loren and Kai were sitting in front of the fire, deep in discussion.

  They didn’t even seem to notice Jeremy as he approached with the tray and handed out the mugs, although Kai gave him an absent smile and a murmured “Thanks,” as he accepted his.

  Jeremy settled next to Kai on the loveseat, listening as he said, with frustration in his voice, “Dammit, I just wish that I could file the restraining order on her behalf. She’ll never do it; she’s too terrified of the bastard.”

  “We’ve been over this a million times, Kai,” Loren said reasonably. “There’s not a lot you can do since she’s legally an adult. You suggested the RO, now it’s up to her and her mom to follow through with filing it.” Before Kai could say anything else, Loren made an appreciative noise in his throat, waving his mug in Jeremy’s direction, “Fuck, this is good, Jeremy. Thanks.”

  Kai put his hand on Jeremy’s leg, leaning in close for a kiss. “It’s delicious, baby. The whole meal was.”

  Jeremy cupped his cheek to prolong the kiss a few extra seconds, then pulled back, whispering, “Merry Christmas, Kai.”

  “Merry Christmas,” Kai whispered back, and he snuggled down against Jeremy’s side, the conversation turning more general as they all finished their wine, enjoying the crackling fire and the twinkling Christmas lights Jeremy had strung throughout the patio.

  A comfortable silence fell as the combination of good food and wine took their toll, and finally a yawning Loren said he needed to get going, that he wanted to get to the station early the next morning to do some paperwork he’d been putting off.

  “I’m heading back to Phoenix next week,” Loren said, accepting the shopping bag full of food containers Jeremy held out to him, clapping Jeremy on the shoulder in thanks. “This will tide me over nicely. Thanks again, guys, for having me over tonight.”

  Jeremy and Kai walked him to the door, and Jeremy watched as Loren swept Kai up into a bear hug, kissing him on the cheek before heading out to his truck with a cheery wave and a “Merry Christmas! Catch ya on the flip side,” called over his shoulder.

  Kai insisted on cleaning up the kitchen, shooing Jeremy out onto the patio with another mug of the spiced wine, and Jeremy sank back into the overstuffed cushions of the loveseat in front of the fire, feeling utterly relaxed and happy. Kai had been at his place for the past week, having arrived as soon as school let out for winter break, and Jeremy reveled in the uninterrupted time he’d had with him.

  They slept late, lounged around with coffee and the paper for hours, sometimes venturing out for short runs in the bracing cold. They cooked meals together, watched movies, made love. There was no Krav Maga class, no community service crew, nothing but the two of them ensconced in their own little world. Jeremy never wanted it to end.

  Kai finished cleaning up the kitchen and came out to the patio, snuggling down with Jeremy in the loveseat, sighing with contentment. Jeremy kissed the top of his head before asking softly, “Why didn’t you tell me you were still so worried about Shauna?”

  Kai shrugged a little. “Not a whole lot has changed,” he said, rubbing his hand up and down Jeremy’s leg.

  Jeremy waited for him to say more, and when he didn’t, prompted, “You were telling Loren something about a restraining order?”

  “It was just something I wanted to run by him, get his opinion on since he’s a cop and all,” Kai replied, then before Jeremy could say anything else, he asked, “Did you get a chance to call your mom?”

  Jeremy accepted the change of subject with resignation, telling Kai about the brief conversation he’d had with his mother earlier while Kai was in the shower, after which Kai yawned loudly and stretched, saying he was ready for bed, the subject of Shauna and restraining orders obviously closed.

  Jeremy banked the fire and turned the lights off, making sure everything was locked up, and when he got to the bedroom, Kai was propped up in bed, the new iPad Jeremy got him for Christmas on his lap. Jeremy used the bathroom and brushed his teeth, crawling in naked next to him.

  He watched for a minute as Kai surfed silently, then sat up a little, moving closer and leaning his cheek on Kai’s shoulder before asking quietly, “Are you worried about Loren? He’s been gone a lot on this undercover assignment, and I know how close you two are.”

  Kai closed his iPad and set it aside, then pushed Jeremy to his back, coming down over top of him, trailing his lips from Jeremy’s cheek to his ear, where he whispered hotly, “Why are we talking about Loren when I’m about ready to give you the rest of your present?”

  But we’re not talking about Loren, Jeremy wanted to say. We don’t talk about anything relating to you anymore.

  “Kai—” Jeremy opened his mouth to say that, to probe into Kai’s feelings about the things in his life Jeremy was starting to feel more and more excluded from. Before he could Kai covered his lips with his own, his mouth soft and seductive, his hands busy between Jeremy’s legs, and Jeremy groaned helplessly in surrender.

  THE NEXT morning they slept late, Jeremy sneaking out of bed at one point and bringing back a breakfast tray laden with coffee and toasted bagels. The smell of the fresh coffee roused Kai, who rolled over and stretched sleepily before pulling himself up to sit against a mound of pillows, accepting the oversized mug Jeremy handed to him.

  “I could get used to this,” he muttered, sipping the hot brew with a rapturous expression on his face, sighing.

  “What, the room service, or waking up with me?” Jeremy teased, winking at him.

  “Both actually,” Kai said seriously. “This week has been—well, it’s been incredible, Jeremy.”

  “It has been,” Jeremy whispered, leaning over for a coffee-flavored kiss. “I want you to move in with me.”

  Jeremy blinked, surprised at himself. He meant it wholeheartedly, of course, but what he hadn’t meant was to spring it on Kai quite so abruptly. Jeremy couldn’t help but tense, waiting for Kai to turn him down flat in favor of his space and independence.

  “Yes,” Kai whispered, and Jeremy felt like he could be knocked over with a feather. He gaped, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he choked out, “Did you say… yes?”

  “I did,” Kai said softly. Then he added, “I want to wait until after this school year is over, but then, yes, I want to move in with you.”

  Jeremy swallowed. Five months away?

  Kai stroked his cheek gently, saying, “I don’t want to be distracted and busy right at first. I want to work on building a life with you. And I want you to be sure this is really what you want, baby. It’s a huge step, and we’ve only been together a few months.” Before Jeremy could say anything, Kai kissed him, picking up his coffee mug again. “Were you originally planning on moving into your house in town, live on-site at your office?” he asked curiously.

  “I was,” Jeremy admitted. “I wanted to be there, easily accessible while I’m trying to build my client base. Plus I was starting to feel a little isolated out here alone. But if I’m not going to be alone—”

  “I love it out here,” Kai mused. “But in the winter it won’t be as much fun for me to get back and forth to school. Maybe we could live out here during the summer, in town for the winter? Come out here on weekends if we want?”

  Jeremy nodded. “We’ll work it out,” he said. “I just—I just want you with me, Kai.”

  Kai smiled, and Jeremy hugged him before getting out of bed, grabbed some running clot
hes and pulled them on. He headed downstairs and was sitting at the kitchen table, tying his shoes, when he heard Kai’s footsteps approach an instant before he combed gentle fingers through his hair.

  “You okay?” Kai asked, concern in his voice. “You need to run?”

  Jeremy pulled him down into his lap, linking his arms around Kai’s waist. “No,” he said honestly. “I just want to. It looks like halfway decent weather out.” Kai still looked skeptical and Jeremy said, as reassuringly as he could, “I haven’t needed to run like that for a while. I’m okay, I promise.”

  Kai threaded his fingers through Jeremy’s hair and pulled his head back for a passionate kiss, whispering against Jeremy’s lips, “Hurry back, then. I’ll wait to take my shower.”

  Jeremy lifted him off his lap with a smack to his ass. “Great,” he said drily. “Now I have to try to run with a goddamn hard-on.”

  Kai’s laughter followed him out the door, and Jeremy grinned as he did some quick stretches against the porch railing and took off in a slow, easy jog down the driveway. He hadn’t lied when he told Kai the compulsion that previously sent him outside to run even in all sorts of crappy weather had eased a little, to where he sometimes went several days now without running. He still enjoyed it and meant to keep it up for health, fitness, and a love of being outside, but he didn’t… have to do it anymore.

  It was almost a month since that painful night with the flat tire, and so many things had changed since then, mostly for the better. After Jeremy made peace with and let go of his anger toward Brent for dying, he found the surprising result was also an easing of his crippling anxiety over Kai’s safety. He knew Kai was an intelligent, capable man, and Jeremy had to trust he would do everything he possibly could to keep himself safe. He could probably kill people with his bare hands, for Christ’s sake, but life was full of dangers and accidents waiting to happen. Sometimes people, like Brent, were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, and Jeremy would drive himself crazy, and even worse, eventually drive Kai away, if he didn’t get a grip and ease up.