The Art of Happiness

by Dalai Lama

  In the Dalai Lama’s system of training the mind and achieving happiness, the closer one gets to being motivated by altruism, the more fearless one becomes in the face of even extremely anxiety-provoking circumstances. But the same principle can be applied in smaller ways, even when one’s motivation is less than completely altruistic. Standing back and simply making sure that you mean no harm and that your motivation is sincere can help reduce anxiety in ordinary daily situations.

  Not long after the above conversation with the Dalai Lama, I had lunch with a group of people that included one young man who I had not met before, a college student at a local university. During lunch, someone asked how my series of discussions with the Dalai Lama was going, and I recounted the conversation about overcoming anxiety. After quietly listening to me describe the idea of ‘sincere motivation as an antidote to anxiety,’ the student confided that he had always been painfully shy, and very anxious in social situations. In thinking about how he might apply this technique in overcoming his own anxiety, the student muttered, ‘Well, all that’s pretty interesting. But I guess the hard part is always having this lofty motivation of kindness and compassion.’

  ‘I suppose that’s true,’ I had to admit.

  The general conversation turned to other subjects, and we finished our lunch. I happened to run into the same college student the following week at the same restaurant.

  Approaching me in a cheerful manner, he said, ‘You remember we were talking about motivation and anxiety the other day? Well, I tried it out and it really works! There’s this girl who works at a department store in the mall who I’ve seen a lot of times – I’ve always wanted to ask her out, but I don’t know her and I’ve always felt too shy and anxious, so I’ve never even talked to her. Well, the other day I went in again, but this time I started thinking about my motivation for asking her out. My motivation, of course, is that I’d like to date her. But behind that is just the wish that I could find someone who I can love, and who will love me. When I thought about it, I realized that there is nothing wrong with that, that my motivation was sincere; I didn’t wish any harm to her or myself, only good things. Just keeping that in mind, and reminding myself of it a few times, seemed to help somehow, it gave me the courage to strike up a conversation with her. My heart was still pounding, but I feel great that at least I was able to get up the nerve to speak with her.’

  ‘I’m glad to hear that,’ I said. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Well, as it turns out, she already has a steady boyfriend. I was a bit disappointed, but it’s okay. It just felt good that I was able to overcome my shyness. And it made me realize that if I make sure that there’s nothing wrong with my motivation and keep that in mind, it could help the next time I’m in the same situation.’

  Honesty as an Antidote to Low Self-esteem or Inflated Self-confidence

  A healthy sense of self-confidence is a critical factor in achieving our goals. This holds true whether our goal is to earn a college degree, build a successful business, enjoy a satisfying relationship, or train the mind to become happier. Low self-confidence inhibits our efforts to move ahead, to meet challenges, and even to take some risks when necessary in the pursuit of our objectives. Inflated self-confidence can be equally hazardous. Those who suffer from an exaggerated sense of their own abilities and accomplishments are continuously subject to frustration, disappointment, and rage when reality intrudes and the world doesn’t validate their idealized view of themselves. And they are always precariously close to sinking into depression when they fail to live up to their own idealized self-image. In addition, these individuals’ grandiosity often leads to a sense of entitlement and a kind of arrogance that distances them from others and prevents emotionally satisfying relationships. Finally, overestimating their abilities can lead to taking dangerous risks. As inspector Dirty Harry Callahan, in a philosophical frame of mind, tells us in the film Magnum Force (while watching the over-confident villain blow himself up), ‘A man’s gotta know his limitations.’

  In the Western psychotherapeutic tradition, theorists have related both low and inflated self-confidence to disturbances in people’s self-image and have searched for the roots of these disturbances in people’s early upbringing. Many theorists see poor self-image and inflated self-image as two sides of the same coin – conceptualizing people’s inflated self-image, for instance, as an unconscious defense against underlying insecurities and negative feelings about themselves. Psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapists in particular have formulated elaborate theories of how distortions in self-image occur. They explain how the self-image is formed as people internalize feedback from the environment. They describe how people develop their concepts of who they are by incorporating explicit and implicit messages about themselves from their parents, and how distortions can occur when early interactions with their caregivers are neither healthy nor nurturing.

  When disturbances in self-image are severe enough to cause significant problems in their life, many of these people turn to psychotherapy. Insight-oriented psychotherapists focus on helping the patient gain an understanding of the dysfunctional patterns in early relationships that were the cause of the problem, and provide appropriate feedback and a therapeutic environment where the patient can gradually restructure and repair their negative self-image. On the other hand, the Dalai Lama focuses on ‘pulling out the arrow’ rather than spending time wondering who shot it. Instead of wondering why people have low self-esteem or inflated self-confidence, he presents a method of directly combating these negative states of mind.

  In recent decades, the nature of ‘the self’ was one of the most researched topics in the field of psychology. In the ‘me decade’ of the 1980s for instance, thousands of articles appeared each year, exploring issues related to self-esteem and self-confidence. With this in mind, I addressed the subject with the Dalai Lama. ‘In one of our other conversations you spoke of humility as a positive trait, and how it is linked with the cultivation of patience and tolerance. In Western psychology, and our culture in general, it seems that being humble is largely overlooked in favor of developing qualities like high levels of self-esteem and self-confidence. In fact, in the West there’s a lot of importance placed on these attributes. I was just wondering – do you feel that Westerners sometimes tend to put too much emphasis on self-confidence, that it’s kind of overindulgent or too self-absorbed?’

  ‘Not necessarily,’ the Dalai Lama replied, ‘although the subject can be quite complicated. For example, the great spiritual practitioners are those who have made a pledge, or developed the determination, to eradicate all of their negative states of mind in order to help and bring ultimate happiness to all sentient beings. They have this kind of vision and aspiration. This requires a tremendous sense of self-confidence. And this self-confidence can be very important because it gives you a certain boldness of mind that helps you accomplish great goals. In a way, this may seem like a kind of an arrogance, although not in a negative way. It is based on sound reasons. So, here, I would consider them to be very courageous – I would consider them to be heroes.’

  ‘Well, for a great spiritual master what may appear on the surface to be a form of arrogance may in fact be a kind of self-confidence and courage,’ I allowed. ‘But for normal people, under everyday circumstances, the opposite is more likely to occur – someone appears to have strong self-confidence or high self-esteem, but it can be in reality simply arrogance. I understand that according to Buddhism, arrogance is categorized as one of the “basic afflicted emotions.” In fact, I’ve read that according to one system, they list seven different types of arrogance. So, avoiding or overcoming arrogance is considered very important. But so is having a strong sense of self-confidence. There seems to be a fine line between them sometimes. How can you tell the difference between them and cultivate one while reducing the other?’

  ‘Sometimes it’s quite difficult to distinguish between confidence and arrogance,’ he conceded. ‘Maybe one way of di
stinguishing between the two is to see whether it is sound or not. One can have a very sound, or very valid sense of superiority in relation to someone else, which could be very justified and which could be valid. And then there could also be an inflated sense of self which is totally groundless. That would be arrogance. So in terms of their phenomenalogical state, they may seem similar . . .’

  ‘But, an arrogant person always feels that they have a valid basis of . . .’

  ‘That’s right, that’s right,’ the Dalai Lama acknowledged.

  ‘So, then how can you distinguish between the two?’ I inquired.

  ‘I think sometimes it can be judged only in retrospect, either by the individual or from a third person’s perspective.’ The Dalai Lama paused, then joked, ‘Maybe the person should go to the court to find out if it is a case of inflated pride or arrogance!’ He laughed.

  ‘In making the distinction between conceit and valid self-confidence,’ he went on, ‘one could think in terms of the consequences of one’s attitude – conceit and arrogance generally lead to negative consequences whereas a healthy self-confidence leads to more positive consequences. So, here when we are dealing with “self-confidence” you need to look at what is the underlying sense of “self.” I think one can categorize two types. One sense of self or “ego” is concerned only with the fulfillment of one’s self-interest, one’s selfish desires, with complete disregard for the well-being of others. The other type of ego or sense of self is based on a genuine concern for others, and the desire to be of service. In order to fulfill that wish to be of service, one needs a strong sense of self, and a sense of self-confidence. This kind of self-confidence is the kind that leads to positive consequences.’

  ‘Earlier,’ I noted, ‘I think you mentioned that one way to help reduce arrogance or pride, if a person acknowledged pride as a fault and wished to overcome it, was to contemplate one’s suffering – reflecting on all the ways we are subject to or prone to suffering, and so on. Besides contemplating one’s suffering, are there any other techniques or antidotes to work with pride?’

  He said, ‘One antidote is to reflect upon the diversity of disciplines that you may have no knowledge of. For example, in the modern educational system you have a multitude of disciplines. So by thinking about how many fields you are ignorant of, it may help you overcome pride.’

  The Dalai Lama stopped speaking, and thinking that was all he had to say on the subject, I started looking through my notes to move on to a new topic. He suddenly resumed speaking in a reflective tone. ‘You know, we’ve been talking about developing a healthy self-confidence . . . I think perhaps honesty and self-confidence are closely linked.’

  ‘Do you mean being honest with yourself about what your capabilities are and so on? Or do you mean being honest with others?’ I asked.

  ‘Both,’ he replied. ‘The more honest you are, the more open, the less fear you will have because there’s no anxiety about being exposed or revealed to others. So, I think that the more honest you are, the more self-confident you will be . . .’

  ‘I’m interested in exploring a bit more about how you personally deal with the issue of self-confidence,’ I said. ‘You’ve mentioned that people seem to come to you and expect you to perform miracles. They seem to put so much pressure on you and have such high expectations. Even if you have a proper underlying motivation, doesn’t this still cause you to feel a certain lack of confidence in your abilities?’

  ‘Here, I think you have to keep in mind what you mean when you say either “lack of confidence” or “possessing confidence” with regard to a particular act or whatever it may be. In order for someone to have a lack of confidence in something, it implies that you have a kind of belief that you can do it, that, generally speaking, it is within your scope. And then if something is within your scope, and you can’t do it, you begin to feel, “Oh, you know, maybe I’m not good enough or competent enough or up to it” or something along those lines. However, for me to realize that I cannot perform miracles – that does not lead to loss of confidence, because I never believed myself to have that capacity in the first place. I don’t expect myself to be able to perform functions like the fully-enlightened Buddhas, to be able to know everything, perceive everything, or do the right thing at any and all times. So when people come to me and ask me to heal them or perform a miracle or something like that, instead of making me feel a lack of confidence, it just makes me feel quite awkward.

  ‘I think that generally, being honest with oneself and others about what you are or are not capable of doing can counteract that feeling of lack of self-confidence.

  ‘But then, now for example, in handling the situation with China, sometimes I feel a lack of self-confidence. But usually I consult about such a situation with officials and in some cases non-officials. I ask my friends their opinion, and then discuss the matter. Since many of the decisions are taken on the basis of discussions with various people and not just taken rashly, any decision that is taken then makes me feel quite confident and there’s no sense of regret for having taken that course.’

  Fearless and honest self-appraisal can be a powerful weapon against self-doubt and low self-confidence. The Dalai Lama’s belief that this kind of honesty can act as an antidote to these negative states of mind has in fact been confirmed by a number of recent studies that clearly show that those who have a realistic and accurate view of themselves tend to like themselves better and have more confidence than those with poor or inaccurate self-knowledge.

  Over the years, I’ve often witnessed the Dalai Lama’s illustrating how self-confidence comes from being honest and straightforward about one’s abilities. It came as quite a surprise to me when I first heard him say in front of a large audience simply ‘I don’t know’ in response to a question. Unlike what I was used to with academic lecturers or those who set themselves up as authorities, he admitted his lack of knowledge without embarrassment, qualifying statements, or attempting to appear that he knew something by skirting the issue.

  In fact, he seemed to take a certain delight when confronted with a difficult question for which he had no answer, and often joked about it. For example, one afternoon in Tucson, he had been commenting on one verse of Shantideva’s Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life that was particularly complex in its logic. He struggled with it for a while, got mixed up, then burst out laughing, saying, ‘I’m confused! I think it’s better just to leave it. Now, in the next verse . . .’

  In response to appreciative laughter from the audience, he laughed even harder, commenting, ‘There is a particular expression for this approach. The expression is it’s like an old person eating, an old person with very poor teeth. The soft things you eat; the hard things, you just leave.’ Still laughing, he said, ‘So we’ll leave it at that for today.’ He never wavered in that moment from his own supreme confidence.

  Reflecting on Our Potential as an Antidote to Self-hatred

  On one trip to India in 1991, two years before the Dalai Lama’s visit to Arizona, I briefly met with him at his home in Dharamsala. That week he had been meeting daily with a distinguished group of Western scientists, physicians, psychologists, and meditation teachers, in an attempt to explore the mind-body connection and understand the relationship between emotional experience and physical health. I met with the Dalai Lama late one afternoon, after one of his sessions with the scientists. Toward the end of our interview, the Dalai Lama asked, ‘You know this week I’ve been meeting with these scientists?’

  ‘Yes . . .’

  ‘Something came up this week which I found very surprising. This concept of “self-hatred.” You are familiar with that concept?’

  ‘Definitely. A fair proportion of my patients suffer from it.’

  ‘When these people were speaking about it, at first I wasn’t certain if I was understanding the concept correctly,’ he laughed. ‘I thought, “Of course we love ourselves! How can a person hate himself or herself?” Although I thought that I had some
understanding about how the mind works, this idea of hating oneself was completely new to me. The reason why I found it quite unbelievable is that practicing Buddhists work very hard trying to overcome our self-centered attitude, our selfish thoughts and motives. From this viewpoint I think we love and cherish ourselves too much. So to think of the possibility of someone not cherishing oneself, and even hating oneself was quite, quite unbelievable. As a psychiatrist, can you explain this concept for me, how it occurs?’

  I briefly described for him the psychological view of how self-hatred arises. I explained how our self-image is shaped by our parents and upbringing, how we pick up implicit messages about ourselves from them as we grow and develop, and I outlined the specific conditions which create a negative self-image. I went on to detail the factors that exacerbate self-hatred, such as when our behavior fails to live up to our idealized self-image, and described some of the ways that self-hatred can be culturally reinforced, particularly in some women and minorities. While I was discussing these things, the Dalai Lama continued to nod thoughtfully with a quizzical expression on his face, as if he were still having some difficulty grasping this strange concept.

  Groucho Marx once quipped, ‘I’d never join any club that would have me for a member.’ Broadening this kind of negative self-view into an observation about human nature, Mark Twain said, ‘No man, deep down in the privacy of his own heart, has any considerable respect for himself.’ And taking this pessimistic view of humanity and incorporating it into his psychological theories, the humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers once claimed, ‘Most people despise themselves, regard themselves as worthless and unlovable.’