The Art of Happiness

by Dalai Lama

  There is a popular notion in our society, shared by most contemporary psychotherapists, that self-hatred is rampant within Western culture. While it certainly exists, fortunately it may not be as widespread as many believe. It certainly is a common problem among those who seek psychotherapy, but sometimes psychotherapists in clinical practice have a skewed view, a tendency to base their general view of human nature on those few individuals who walk into their office. Most of the data based on experimental evidence, however, has established the fact that often people tend to (or at least want to) see themselves in a favorable light, rating themselves as ‘better than average’ in almost any survey asking about subjective and socially desirable qualities.

  So, while self-hatred may not be as universal as commonly thought, it can still be a tremendous obstacle for many people. I was as surprised by the Dalai Lama’s reaction as he was by the concept of self-hatred. His initial response alone can be very revealing and healing.

  There are two points related to his remarkable reaction that warrant examination. The first point is simply that he was unfamiliar with the existence of self-hatred. The underlying assumption that self-hatred is a widespread human problem leads to an impressionistic sense that it is a deeply ingrained feature of the human psyche. But the fact that it is virtually unheard of within entire cultures, in this case the Tibetan culture, strongly reminds us that this troubling mental state, like all of the other negative mental states that we have discussed, is not an intrinsic part of the human mind. It is not something that we are born with, irrevocably saddled with, nor is it an indelible characteristic of our nature. It can be removed. This realization alone can serve to weaken its power, give us hope, and increase our commitment to eliminate it.

  The second point related to the Dalai Lama’s initial reaction was his response, ‘Hate oneself? Of course, we love ourselves!’ For those of us who suffer from self-hatred or know someone who does, this response may seem incredibly naive at first glance. But on closer investigation, there may be a penetrating truth in his response. Love is difficult to define, and there may be different definitions. But one definition of love, and perhaps the most pure and exalted kind of love, is an utter, absolute, and unqualified wish for the happiness of another individual. It is a heartfelt wish for the other’s happiness regardless of whether he does something to injure us or even whether we like him. Now, deep in our hearts, there’s no question that every one of us wants to be happy. So, if our definition of love is based on a genuine wish for someone’s happiness, then each of us does in fact love himself or herself – every one of us sincerely wishes for his or her own happiness. In my clinical practice I’ve sometimes encountered the most extreme cases of self-hatred, to the point where the person experiences recurrent thoughts of suicide. But even in these most extreme cases, the thought of death is ultimately based on the individual’s wish (distorted and misguided as it may be) to release her- or himself from suffering, not cause it.

  So perhaps the Dalai Lama was not far off the mark in his belief that all of us have an underlying self-love, and this idea suggests a powerful antidote to self-hatred: we can directly counteract thoughts of self-contempt by reminding ourselves that no matter how much we may dislike some of our characteristics, underneath it all we wish ourselves to be happy, and that is a profound kind of love.

  On a subsequent visit to Dharamsala, I returned to the subject of self-hatred with the Dalai Lama. By then he had familiarized himself with the concept and had begun developing methods for combating it.

  ‘From the Buddhist point of view,’ he explained, ‘being in a depressed state, in a state of discouragement, is seen as a kind of extreme that can clearly be an obstacle to taking the steps necessary to accomplish one’s goals. A state of self-hatred is far more extreme than simply being discouraged, and this can be very, very dangerous. For those engaged in Buddhist practice, the antidote to self-hatred would be to reflect upon the fact that all beings, including oneself, have Buddha Nature – the seed or potential for perfection, full enlightenment – no matter how weak or poor or deprived one’s present situation may be. So those people involved in Buddhist practice who suffer from self-hatred or self-loathing should avoid contemplating the suffering nature of existence or the underlying unsatisfactory nature of existence, and instead they should concentrate more on the positive aspects of one’s existence, such as appreciating the tremendous potential that lies within oneself as a human being. And by reflecting upon these opportunities and potentials, they will be able to increase their sense of worth and confidence in themselves.’

  Raising my now standard question from the perspective of a non-Buddhist, I asked, ‘Well, what would be the antidote for someone who may not have heard of the concept of Buddha Nature or who may not be a Buddhist?’

  ‘One thing in general that we could point out to such people is that we are gifted as human beings with this wonderful human intelligence. On top of that, all human beings have the capacity to be very determined and to direct that strong sense of determination in whatever direction they would like to use it. There is no doubt of this. So if one maintains an awareness of these potentials, and reminds oneself of them repeatedly until it becomes part of one’s customary way of perceiving human beings – including oneself – then this could serve to help reduce feelings of discouragement, helplessness, and self-contempt.’

  The Dalai Lama stopped for a moment, then proceeded with a probing inflection which suggested that he was still actively exploring, continuously engaging in a process of discovery.

  ‘I think that here there might be some sort of parallel to the way we treat physical illnesses. When doctors treat someone for a specific illness, not only do they give antibiotics for the specific condition, but they also make sure that the person’s underlying physical condition is such that he or she can take antibiotics and tolerate them. So in order to ensure that, the doctors make sure, for instance, that the person is generally well nourished, and often they may also have to give vitamins or whatever to build the body. So long as the person has that underlying strength in his or her body, then there is the potential or capacity within the body to heal itself from the illness through medication. Similarly, so long as we know and maintain an awareness that we have this marvelous gift of human intelligence, and a capacity to develop determination and use it in positive ways, in some sense we have this underlying mental health. An underlying strength, that comes from realizing we have this great human potential. This realization can act as a sort of built-in mechanism that allows us to deal with any difficulty, no matter what situation we are facing, without losing hope or sinking into self-hatred.’

  Reminding ourselves of the great qualities we share with all human beings acts to neutralize the impulse to think we’re bad or undeserving. Many Tibetans do this as a daily meditation practice. Perhaps that’s the reason why in Tibetan culture self-hatred never took hold.

  PART 5

  Closing Reflections on Living a Spiritual Life

  CHAPTER 15

  Basic Spiritual Values

  The art of happiness has many components. As we’ve seen, it begins with developing an understanding of what are the truest sources of happiness and setting our priorities in life based on the cultivation of those sources. It involves an inner discipline, a gradual process of rooting out destructive mental states and replacing them with positive, constructive states of mind, such as kindness, tolerance, and forgiveness. In identifying the factors that lead to a full and satisfying life, we conclude with a discussion of the final component – spirituality.

  There is a natural tendency to associate spirituality with religion. The Dalai Lama’s approach to achieving happiness has been shaped by his years of rigorous training as an ordained Buddhist monk. He is also widely regarded as a preeminent Buddhist scholar. For many, however, it is not his grasp of complex philosophical issues that offers the most appeal, but rather it is his personal warmth, humor, and down-to-earth approach to life.
During the course of our conversations, in fact, his basic humanness seemed to override even his primary role as a Buddhist monk. Despite his shaved head and striking maroon robes, despite his position as one of the most prominent religious figures in the world, the tone of our conversations was simply of one human being to another, discussing the problems that we all share.

  In helping us understand the true meaning of spirituality, the Dalai Lama began by distinguishing between spirituality and religion.

  ‘I believe that it is essential to appreciate our potential as human beings and recognize the importance of inner transformation. This should be achieved through what could be called a process of mental development. Sometimes, I call this having a spiritual dimension in our life.

  ‘There can be two levels of spirituality. One level of spirituality has to do with our religious beliefs. In this world, there are so many different people, so many different dispositions. There are five billion human beings and in a certain way I think we need five billion different religions, because there is such a large variety of dispositions. I believe that each individual should embark upon a spiritual path that is best suited to his or her mental disposition, natural inclination, temperament, belief, family and cultural background.

  ‘Now, for example, as a Buddhist monk, I find Buddhism to be most suitable. So, for myself, I’ve found that Buddhism is best. But that does not mean Buddhism is best for everyone. That’s clear. It’s definite. If I believed that Buddhism was best for everyone, that would be foolish, because different people have different mental dispositions. So, the variety of people calls for a variety of religions. The purpose of religion is to benefit people, and I think that if we only had one religion, after a while it would cease to benefit many people. If we had a restaurant, for instance, and it only served one dish – day after day, for every meal – that restaurant wouldn’t have many customers left after a while. People need and appreciate diversity in their food because there are so many different tastes. In the same way, religions are meant to nourish the human spirit. And I think we can learn to celebrate that diversity in religions and develop a deep appreciation of the variety of religions. So certain people may find Judaism, the Christian tradition or the Islamic tradition to be most effective for them. Therefore, we must respect and appreciate the value of all the different major world religious traditions.

  ‘All of these religions can make an effective contribution for the benefit of humanity. They are all designed to make the individual a happier person, and the world a better place. However, in order for the religion to have an impact in making the world a better place, I think it’s important for the individual practitioner to sincerely practice the teachings of that religion. One must integrate the religious teachings into one’s life, wherever one is, so one can use them as a source of inner strength. And one must gain a deeper understanding of the religion’s ideas – not just on an intellectual level but with a deep feeling, making them part of one’s inner experience.

  ‘I believe that one can cultivate a deep respect for all the different religious traditions. One reason to respect these other traditions is that all of these traditions can provide an ethical framework which can govern one’s behavior and have positive effects. For instance, in the Christian tradition a belief in God can provide you with a coherent and clear-cut ethical framework which can govern one’s behavior and way of life – and it can be a very powerful approach because there is a certain intimacy created in one’s relationship with God, and the way to demonstrate one’s love of God, the God who created you, is by showing love and compassion to one’s fellow human beings.

  ‘I believe that there are many similar reasons to respect other religious traditions as well. All major religions, of course, have provided tremendous benefit for millions of human beings throughout many centuries in the past. And even at this very moment, millions of people still get a benefit, get some kind of inspiration from these different religious traditions. It is clear. And in the future also, these different religious traditions will give inspiration to millions of coming generations. That is a fact. So therefore, it is very, very important to realize that reality and respect other traditions.

  ‘I think that one way of strengthening that mutual respect is through closer contact between those of different religious faiths – personal contact. I have made efforts over the past few years to meet and have dialogues with, for example, the Christian community and the Jewish community, and I think that some really positive results have come of this. Through this kind of closer contact we can learn about the useful contributions that these religions have made to humanity and find useful aspects of the other traditions that we can learn from. We may even discover methods and techniques that we can adopt in our own practice.

  ‘So, it is essential that we develop closer bonds among the various religions; through this we can make a common effort for the benefit of humanity. There are so many things that divide humanity, so many problems in the world. Religion should be a remedy to help reduce the conflict and suffering in the world, not another source of conflict.

  ‘We often hear people say that all human beings are equal. By this we mean that everyone has the obvious desire of happiness. Everybody has the right to be a happy person. And everyone has the right to overcome suffering. So if someone is deriving happiness or benefit from a particular religious tradition, it becomes important to respect the rights of others; thus we must learn to respect all these major religious traditions. That is clear.’

  During the Dalai Lama’s week of talks in Tucson, the spirit of mutual respect was more than just wishful thinking. Those of many different religious traditions were found among the audience, including a sizable representation of Christian clergy. Despite the differences in traditions, a peaceful and harmonious atmosphere pervaded the room. It was palpable. There was a spirit of exchange as well, and no little curiosity among the non-Buddhists present about the Dalai Lama’s daily spiritual practice. This curiosity prompted one listener to ask, ‘Whether one is a Buddhist or of a different tradition, practices such as prayer seem to be emphasized. Why is prayer important for a spiritual life?’

  The Dalai Lama answered, ‘I think prayer is, for the most part, a simple daily reminder of your deeply held principles and convictions. I, myself, repeat certain Buddhist verses every morning. The verses may look like prayers, but they are actually reminders. Reminders of how to speak to others, how to deal with other people, how to deal with problems in your daily life, things like that. So, for the most part, my practice involves reminders – reviewing the importance of compassion, forgiveness, all these things. And, of course, it also includes certain Buddhist meditations, about the nature of reality, and also certain visualization practices. So, in my own daily practice, my own daily prayers, if I go leisurely, it takes about four hours. It’s quite long.’

  The thought of spending four hours a day in prayer prompted another listener to ask, ‘I’m a working mother with small children, with very little free time. For someone who is really busy, how does one find the time to do these kinds of prayers and meditation practices?’

  ‘Even in my case, if I wish to complain, I can always complain about lack of time,’ the Dalai Lama remarked. ‘I’m very busy. However, if you make the effort, you can always find some time, say, in the early morning. Then, I think there are some times like the weekend. You can sacrifice some of your fun,’ he laughed. ‘So at least, I think daily, say a half an hour. Or if you make the effort, try hard enough, perhaps you may be able to find, let us say, thirty minutes in the morning and thirty minutes in the evening. If you really think about it, maybe it is possible to figure out a way of getting some time.

  ‘However, if you think seriously about the true meaning of spiritual practices, it has to do with the development and training of your mental state, attitudes, and psychological and emotional state and well-being. You should not confine your understanding of spiritual practice to terms of some physical activities
or verbal activities, like doing recitations of prayers and chanting. If your understanding of spiritual practice is limited to only these activities, then, of course, you will need a specific time, a separate allotted time to do your practice, because you can’t go around doing your daily chores, like cooking and so on, while reciting mantras. That could be quite annoying to people around you. However, if you understand spiritual practice in its true sense, then you can use all twenty-four hours of your day for your practice. True spirituality is a mental attitude that you can practice at any time. For example, if you find yourself in a situation in which you might be tempted to insult someone, then you immediately take precautions and restrain yourself from doing that. Similarly, if you encounter a situation in which you may lose your temper, immediately you are mindful and say, “No, this is not the appropriate way.” That actually is a spiritual practice. Seen in that light, you will always have time.

  ‘This reminds me of one of the Tibetan Kadampa masters, Potowa, who said that for a meditator who has a certain degree of inner stability and realization, every event, every experience you are exposed to comes as a kind of a teaching. It’s a learning experience. This I think is very true.

  ‘So, from this perspective, even when you are exposed to, for instance, disturbing scenes of violence and sex, like in TV and films, there is a possibility to view them with an underlying mindfulness of the harmful effects of going to extremes. Then, instead of being totally overwhelmed by the sight, rather you can take these scenes as a kind of an indicator of the damaging nature of unchecked negative emotions – something from which you can learn lessons.’