Letting Go

by Carrie Lange

  Anne tried to think, but her head swam dizzily through a haze of black spots. Dry, cracked lips stung as she grimaced from the grinding waves of nausea that churned in her stomach. “I’m hallucinating. I-I-haven’t had anything to eat or drink for days. It’s…dehydration.”

  Pushing the strand of hair away, Rale winked at her, a subtle smile on his face. “That’s possible. Why don’t you get something to drink, and see if I go away.”

  Anne wondered why she didn’t hallucinate a vision of Dan. Why this alarming looking man? He looked like the shadow man from her dreams.

  Rale? Was that what he said his name was? Is he real? No, of course not.

  She had just watched that movie too many times, she supposed, and now this man had seeped into her insanity.

  Still. She didn’t want to get up and get something to drink, because she didn’t want this hallucination to go away. At least it talked to her. “I wasn’t glad to get rid of him.”

  “It’s okay.” He spoke quietly, gently. Lulling her senses. “I understand. With him gone, you were finally going to be able to relax. You had been holding your breath for weeks.”

  “No...that’s not true,” she said weakly.

  “He was so much responsibility. Your responsibility. Never quite knowing what to say. Always tip toeing around the edges of his feelings. Always afraid you would say the wrong things, never knowing how to say the right things.”

  Anne remained silent, transfixed by the sound of his voice, by the spark in his electric blue eyes. Her own eyes burned, as she could not look away from him, even for the merest moment it would take to blink. If she blinked, he might disappear.

  Rale leaned back in the chair, his elbows on the armrest. He drew his hands up in front of him and rested his fingertips against each other. “Your whole world had to revolve around him. Always afraid that at any moment he would break into a thousand tiny pieces.”

  They looked at each other.

  Everything Rale said was true.

  Dan going back to Nashville, back to his job, meant that things would go back to the way they had been. She didn’t have to be responsible for saving his life anymore. He was healed. She would have a few days to relax and not worry about him. When he returned, he could go back to being the most perfect man she had ever known.

  “Did he want me to tell him to stay?” she asked.

  Rale inclined his head toward her. “What do you think, Anne?”

  When she remained silent he went on. “He was waiting for a sign. He hoped he would get one from you. But he never did.”

  Anne thought back to that Sunday afternoon. Dan had walked her out to her car as she left for work. She had been trying to hurry, because she was already going to be late. He held her hand as they walked out together.

  “I’ll miss you,” she said to him.

  When they stopped in front of her car, he put his arms around her and started to kiss her.

  She tried to break away from him. “Honey, I don’t have time, I’ve got to go!”

  Dan tightened his hold on her, not letting her get away. He put his hand on her cheek and turned her face to his. “You have time for one last kiss.”

  Anne’s momentary irritation melted away as she looked in his eyes. He kissed her long and passionately. It was the kind of kiss you see in movies. Her heart raced, and her stomach fluttered. She was smiling as his face moved away from hers, but he was not. He looked sad. “Gosh, Dan, you’re acting like we’re never going to see each other again. It’s only going to be a few days, silly.”

  He smiled for the first time. “I know, but it will seem like an eternity to me.”

  She shook her head playfully as she got in her car and smiled at him through the open window. “My hopeless romantic. I love you. Call me as soon as you get home.”

  “All right, I will. I love you too.”

  As she drove away, she saw him in her rear view mirror, walking back to her apartment. A bright, warm, glorious May day surrounded him. His hands in his pockets, he had a distant look on his face.

  It was the last time she would ever see him alive.

  The last moments of life in a rear view mirror.

  He looks so sad, she had thought to herself, and almost...almost...turned the car around and went back to him, but she was already so late. He would be fine, she told herself.

  I can’t afford to lose any more time...

  Anne leaned toward Rale, and whispered. “I almost turned the car around.”

  Rale brought his hands together in a gesture of prayer and lifted them to his lips. He sighed and nodded gently, speaking from behind his hands. “I know. You almost saved him.”

  He dropped his hands back down to the armrests, the volume of his voice rising, almost pleading. “He hoped you would come back. He hoped after his kiss you would stay with him. You told him to call you when he got home, but when he did, you didn’t answer the phone. Why? In the deepest hour of his despair, he reached out to you, hoping that you would take his hand in your own, and you just...” Rale didn’t finish the sentence, and for the first time, he looked away from her, shaking his head.

  “I couldn’t answer the phone,” she said in a weak voice. “I was in the middle of an assay...”

  She had been at work, holding a tall glass pipette, transferring acid into a beaker when the phone rang at eleven pm. She looked up, wondering if it was him. But she could never get to it in time. She could call him back later.

  Rale looked back at her, eyes blazing with accusation. “But you never did call him back. Why?”

  “It was a hectic night...I was so busy...I never got the chan––”

  “No!” Rale’s voice flung the sharp word at her, stinging her, and she flinched. “That’s what you tell everyone else, but I know the truth. You had time. You could have called him. But you wanted to make him suffer. Just a little bit. You wanted to punish him for everything he had put you through.”

  “Shut up!” Anne yelled at him, “You’re not real! That’s not true!”

  “It is true, and you know it! He disappointed you. The perfect man - not so perfect after all. So, you didn’t call him back. You wanted to let him suffer a little bit. And he did suffer, Anne. He waited for hours. Just to hear your voice. That would have brought him back from the edge. He thought you might call when you got home from work, but you didn’t. Why?”

  Anne couldn’t speak. She didn’t want to talk to this hallucination anymore. She wanted it to go away.

  Rale narrowed his eyes and sneered at her. “I know what you tell everyone - it was late, you didn’t want to wake him, you were tired. But we both know that’s not true. You weren’t quite done punishing him, were you? You had been at his beck and call for three weeks. He could wait a little while longer. The crazy son of a bitch could wait until morning. But there would never be a morning for him. He died alone, thinking you didn’t give a shit about him. All because of your petty...selfish...”

  “Shut up!” Anne screamed. She was going insane. She closed her eyes and crawled to the end of the bed. Darkness swirled around her and she realized she was losing consciousness. She shook her head, trying to hang onto her lucidity, and fell off the bed.

  As she dragged herself to the bathroom, she realized a demon had come to torment her for letting him die. Perhaps she was dying right now, and he would drag her to Hell with him. Any moment, his hand would tear into her flesh and pull.

  With trembling hands, she turned on the faucet and splashed water on her face. She tried to drink, but her mouth and throat were so dry that it was impossible to swallow. The trickle of water ran down her throat, searing like flames.

  When she finally worked up the courage to return to the bedroom, Rale was gone.

  Part 2

  Forgiveness.

  I never realized how important it was when I was alive. I spent my life forgiving others, but did not realize that I could forgive myself. I thought I had to fix myself, fix all the things that I thought were brok
en.

  I thought I was weak, and I finally lost hope that I would ever become strong. I did not realize that I could forgive myself for my weaknesses.

  Now, as I watch them, with my eyes finally open, I can see how they also struggle with their own burdens of guilt. They search for forgiveness that they don’t think they deserve.

  Anne searches for forgiveness from me, knowing I can never give it to her.

  Will she ever be able to forgive herself?

  And what will become of her if she can’t?

  ~ Dan

  Chapter 22

  In every child who is born, in no matter what circumstances, and no matter what parents, the potentiality of the human race is born again.

  ~ James Agee

  ~~~~~

  May slipped into June. Anne had been alone in her apartment for almost two weeks.

  Her mother and some of her friends called a few times, but Anne assured them everything was fine. Being around other people was exhausting. Anne just wanted to be left alone.

  Once more the phone rang. Anne looked at it, almost not answering it. It was her mother, yet again. She sighed and conjured up her chirpiest voice. “Hi Mom.”

  If conversations lasted too long, Anne’s cheery voice would start to falter. She would pause for too long. The tone would lower, the volume diminish. Her mother asked her to repeat herself more than once. She needed to end this call as quickly as possible.

  “Anne,” her mother said. “Are you all right?”

  “Yes, Mom. I’m fine.”

  “Are you sure? Maybe you should come stay with us for a while.”

  The note of concern in her mother’s voice made Anne reply quickly. “No, really. I’m fine. I’m going back to work next week, and it’s too far to drive from your house, anyway.”

  Her mother hesitated. “Well…okay…if you promise you’re fine.”

  Anne still could eat very little, but she forced herself to drink water every day. The incident with Rale scared her. Did dehydration cause hallucinations? Or could this grief literally be driving her insane? Whatever it was, Anne decided, she needed to get a grip on reality.

  She called Tom, and he brought Alexandra over. Alexandra wrapped her arms around Anne’s legs and squealed with delight. “Mama, I missed you!”

  Tom’s eyes opened a little wider when he saw Anne. “Hey…uhh…are you okay?”

  Anne attempted to remove Alexandra from around her legs, to no avail. “I’m fine.” She paused, and looked past Tom, searching for the right words. “Oh yeah. Thanks,” she said and began closing the door.

  Tom looked at her, obviously concerned. He put his hand on the door, stopping it from closing. Kneeling down, he grabbed Alexandra. “Shhh, pumpkin. Why don’t you go play a second and let Mama and Daddy talk for a minute.”

  Alexandra’s lilting chatter stopped momentarily as she looked from her mother to her father. She huffed, but ran over to her toy box, once again squealing with delight.

  Tom stood and cleared his throat. “Look, I’m really sorry about what I said that day. I was a total asshole.”

  Anne shook her head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What day? What did you say?”

  Tom paused, opened his mouth and then closed it again, looking thoroughly confused. “Well…you know, when I came and got Alexandra. I…I just wanted to say I’m sorry. And I’m sorry about what happened. You know.” He glanced at Alexandra, who was leaning over head first, almost upside down in her toy box. Tom dropped his voice to a whisper. “You know, about Dan. I’m really sorry. He was all right. Can I…you know, help you with anything? You okay?”

  Finally, Anne looked directly at him. “Oh sure, I’m fine, thanks for bringing Alexandra. I’ll drop her off Sunday on my way to work.” She turned away, flicking the door with her hand, and left Tom staring at the closed door.

  Alexandra tumbled out of the toy box and landed on her bottom. She looked at Anne with a toothy smile. “Where’s Dan?”

  Anne hesitated only a moment. “Dan’s not here right now, baby.”

  Alexandra went over to the phone and picked it up. “Call?”

  “No, baby, we can’t call him right now, I’m sorry.”

  “When?”

  Anne sighed. “Alexandra, we aren’t going to be able to see Dan again. He’s gone now, and he won’t be coming back.”

  “Why?”

  Anne walked over to her, took the phone out of her still outstretched hand and placed it back on the cradle. Picking Alexandra up, she carried her over to the couch, and sat with her in her lap.

  Alexandra’s eyes grew wider, as though she sensed something was wrong and was afraid. Anne could melt in those warm, chocolate eyes. Alexandra reached up and touched Anne’s face. “Where’s Dan?”

  Anne looked at her tiny daughter, and realized that even though she was still a baby, she was not incapable of rational thoughts or emotions, like some people seemed to think.

  They said Alexandra would forget Dan quickly. Said his absence wouldn’t mean anything to her, said she wouldn’t even notice. But they didn’t know how much Alexandra loved Dan. Anne knew Alexandra wasn’t simply going to forget about him if she never mentioned his name again.

  Besides, Anne didn’t want Alexandra to forget about Dan, and she didn’t want to never mention his name again. They had been some sort of family, the three of them. Alexandra deserved the truth, even if she wasn’t able to fully understand it.

  She sighed.

  “Honey...Dan’s dead.”

  ~~~~~

  Alexandra didn’t know what ‘dead’ meant, but she had heard it before, lots of times. It had something to do with things that got broken.

  Things that got thrown away.

  Mama had called flies sleeping in the window sill ‘dead’. Alexandra poked them to make them wake up.

  “Don’t touch those, baby,” Mama said. “They’re dead. Yucky.” Then Mama swept them up and threw them in the trash.

  Alexandra knew what ‘yucky’ meant.

  Dan’s not yucky.

  Mama talked a lot about batteries being ‘dead’, and when she did, she threw them in the trash, too.

  One time, Alexandra couldn’t watch her shows for forever, because Mama kept saying the TV was ‘dead’. Mama had picked up that TV and threw it in the scary dumpster.

  Is Dan in’a dumps’er?

  Alexandra shook her head. “What’s dead?”

  “Well,” Mama said. “Me and you - we’re alive right now. You know how we can walk around, and talk and breathe, and think in our heads?”

  Alexandra nodded.

  “When someone is dead, they can’t walk, or talk, or even think. They stop moving, or breathing. They just...lay still. They just...don’t work anymore.”

  Alexandra scrunched her eyebrows together.

  Dan stop breathing? Was he holding his breath?

  Alexandra held her breath sometimes when she was mad, but it hurt so bad she always had to stop. Then she would take a big breath. Dan just needed to stop holding his breath, and then he would feel all better.

  “Do you remember when the TV stopped working?” Mama asked.

  Alexandra blinked. “Yes.”

  “One day, the TV worked fine, and the next day, it was dead, remember? It just stopped working, and nothing we could do would fix it. Sometimes, that happens to people.”

  Alexandra’s mouth opened in a big O, and then she shouted. “But you threw the TV away!”

  Mama jumped a little. “I know honey...”

  “Is Dan in’a dumps’er too?”

  “No, Alexandra, no, of course not.”

  Alexandra relaxed. She had seen Dan lying in the dumpster, holding her TV, covered with batteries and sleeping flies. “Where’s he?”

  “Well...he’s...buried in the ground.”

  Alexandra’s eyes flew open. She knew what buried meant. “Buried in’a ground?”

  “Yes. When people die, they put them in long boxes, and the
n dig a deep hole in the ground. They put the boxes in the ground and cover it up with dirt.”

  Alexandra jumped off Mama’s lap and shrieked. “How could you, Mama?”

  She ran around the room, looking for it. Where is it? My shovel, my shovel! There it is!

  Picking up her plastic shovel, she turned to Mama. “Dig him up, Mama! Let’s go! Buried is no good!”

  She saw Dan covered with dirt, his eyes peeking out at her, like when they played peek-a-boo. Worms were in the ground too. Worms were yucky. But she knew how to dig things up.

  Mama shook her head. “We can’t dig him up, Alexandra. He’s dead. His body doesn’t work anymore. It’s like he’s asleep, but he can never wake up. He doesn’t dream or think, or move. He can never do anything ever again...he’s gone forever...he’s dead.”

  Mama came over to her and kneeled down. “Only Dan’s body is buried, honey. The real Dan. The Dan that thinks and feels.” Mama reached up and touched Alexandra’s head. “The part of Dan that lived inside here, inside his head. He flew out of there, and up to Heaven. Dan’s in Heaven now. With God.”

  Alexandra’s eyes brightened and got bigger.

  “With God?” She didn’t really know who God was, but he was like Santa. He did good things for her and she was supposed to thank him a lot and be a good girl because he watched her all the time.

  She stood, holding her red shovel up for a long time, trying to understand what Mama said. Finally, she lowered her hand. “Why he’s dead?”

  Mama shook her head some more and dropped it down into her hands. “Alexandra, baby, I think I’m messing this all up. I don’t know what to do.”

  Alexandra put her hand on Mama’s shoulder. When Mama looked up, big shiny tears fell out of her eyes. Alexandra only saw that once before, right before she left with Daddy. She missed Mama then. “Mama, jus’ tell me the troof. That’s what you always say. Why Dan’s dead?”

  Mama smiled a tiny little smile. “Okay, baby doll. The truth. He hurt his head very badly”.

  Alexandra dropped the shovel, and put both hands up to her head. “Hurt his head?” She knew what getting hurt meant. She got hurt lots. Getting hurt did not mean getting buried. Getting hurt always got fixed.