Letting Go

by Carrie Lange

  “Yes, baby, he hurt his head very, very badly, and it couldn’t be fixed. He hurt his head so bad, that he died.”

  “How he’s hurt his head?”

  Silence.

  “Mama?”

  “He got shot in the head...with a gun.”

  Alexandra knew about guns. She looked at her toy box. She saw one of her toy guns peeking out from under her big stuffed rabbit. She played with Dan lots with her gun. She would point it at Dan and shout “Bang!” He always put his hands up to his chest and yelled, “Oh! You got me!” He would fall down and pretend to be sleeping. She tippy toed up to him, and he grabbed her and shouted, “Arrggh! Got ya!” He tickled her. They both always laughed.

  He never got hurt. He always just pretended. Maybe this was a game, and Mama was pretending. “Who shot him?”

  “He shot himself, honey. He didn’t use a toy gun, like the ones you play with. He used a real gun.”

  She knew the difference between toys and ‘real’ things. ‘Real’ things worked better than toys. Her toy knives that went with her tea set didn’t hurt. But Mama never let her hold a ‘real’ knife.

  “Why he do that, Mama? Why he shoot his-self?”

  Mama sighed. “Well, baby, sometimes things happen accidently, you know? Sometimes we don’t mean for something bad to happen, but it does.”

  “You haf’ta be careful, right?”

  Mama nodded. “That’s right. Careful. We always have to be very careful, or bad things can happen, and we can get hurt.”

  Alexandra did not know about some of these things Mama said, and she was tired of trying to figure them out. “Mama, we need to dig Dan up, and taking ‘im to the doctor. The doctor, he can fix Dan’s head.”

  “Honey, the doctor can’t fix Dan’s head.”

  “Yes he can!” Alexandra stomped her foot and pointed to her head. “He can put a ban-aid there an’ fix it.”

  Ban-aids fix everything.

  Mama held her arms out. “Come here, baby.”

  Alexandra knew about this. When Mama did this, it meant the talking was all done, and she wasn’t going to get something she wanted. This meant she would not see Dan again. He would stay buried in the ground, or up in Heaven with God, whoever he was.

  If God wasn’t going to let Dan come home, then she didn’t think she would say thank you to him anymore.

  Tears filled up her eyes.

  Mama wrapped her arms around her, and they both cried.

  Chapter 23

  On these magic shores children at play are for ever beaching their coracles. We too have been there; we can still hear the sound of the surf, though we shall land no more.

  ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

  ~~~~~

  Alexandra sat on the living room floor making Play-Doh birthday cakes for her Barbie Dolls. Mama slept on the couch. She liked it better when Mama slept because then she didn’t cry.

  Mama was sick, or something. She cried a lot and always said she didn’t feel good.

  Sometimes, Alexandra pretended that she was the Mama, and did all the things for Mama that Mama did for her when she cried. She hugged her, kissed her, touched her forehead with the back of her hand. She said things like, “It’s okay” and “Poor baby.” Mostly, she just tried to be real quiet so Mama would sleep.

  ~~~~~

  Dan stood in the bedroom looking out through the window. It reached almost all the way to the ceiling and almost all the way to the floor. He had always hated this particular window for two reasons.

  First, because it looked out onto the dumpster. From this second story apartment, he got a bird’s eye view of the thing. He wondered now, why it had bothered him so much. Neat and tidy, a lid covered it and a wooden fence enclosed it. Really, it didn’t look as disgusting as he remembered.

  The second reason Dan hated this window was because when he stood in front of it, a person outside would be able to see his entire body and a good deal of the room he stood in. He felt helplessly exposed by this window, and the window seemed to know it. The wooden slats which sectioned off the glass panes resembled the shapes of freakish, square eyes. The long, wide sill along the bottom, the slit of a mouth, which grimaced at him.

  Dan would close the curtains, hiding the ghoulish face from himself, and hiding himself from the ghoulish world.

  And Anne would forever draw the curtains back open. “For goodness sake, let some light in here! I love these windows, don’t you just love all that natural light?”

  Dan would explain to her about people being able to see in. And she would laugh and look outside. “Who’s looking? There’s no one out there, Dan.”

  One time she teased him about it. “Let’s give them something to look at.” She maneuvered him close to the window, grabbed his coat by the shoulders and pulled it off, letting it drop to the floor, and tried to kiss him.

  A sudden jolt of anxiety, like an electric shock, coursed through his body as his back touched the window and he saw the dried up husk of a dead fly on the sill. He was exposed and vulnerable in the yellow lamp light that shone out into the darkness.

  He cringed and pushed her away. “Stop it, Anne. This window is so gross, why don’t you ever clean it?”

  Anne tilted her head to the side and bit her lower lip. “You’re no fun anymore. I swear you get more uptight every day. If the window bugs you so much, then clean it yourself.”

  So, while Anne and Alexandra baked chocolate chip cookies, laughing and making more messes, Dan cleaned the window.

  Scrubbing until the paint started rubbing off.

  Trying to scour away the dirt, and the ghoulish face, and the anxiety.

  Alexandra came into the bedroom now and Dan turned his head to look at her. Grape juice stained her little cherubic face and she had a sparkle in her gaze, which almost seemed directed at him. If only he could play with her once m––

  “Hi, Dan,” Alexandra said, waving her tiny fingers.

  She was looking directly in his eyes.

  Could she see him?

  No, that’s impossible, she’s just pretending, imagining that––

  “Hi Dan,” she said again. Her purple stained lips parted as they turned upward in a toothy smile.

  Dan blinked. “Alexandra?”

  Alexandra giggled and ran toward him.

  Dan cringed as she approached, not knowing what to expect.

  Suddenly, gloriously, her tiny arms wrapped around him. “Dan!”

  His legs muffled her bubbly laughter as she buried her face in them.

  Falling to his knees, Dan wrapped himself around her. “My God.”

  Alexandra was solid and warm. Her body shook as she giggled and nuzzled her face into his chest. The vibrations traveled through his spirit, bringing an effervescent tingle and warmth along with them. He held her by the shoulders and pulled her away.

  Alexandra looked in his eyes.

  Tears sprang forth and the air in Dan’s lungs evaporated. A smile rose up causing his eyes to squint and the tears to spill over. He gasped for breath. “Alexandra...how?”

  “Mama said you was dead.”

  “I-I-” Dan looked down at himself, and then back at her. “I am.”

  Alexandra blinked and looked at him as though waiting for the punch line. Then she smiled and pulled on his hand. “Come on. Mama wants you.” She tried to pull him toward the door.

  Dan couldn’t breathe. He felt shaky, and all at once lighter as tears of joy ran down his face.

  Alexandra pulled on his hand which now stretched out in front of him.

  He pulled her back and hugged her close, the scent of grapes and Play-Doh tickling his nose, assuring him that this was real. “Alexandra, I love you.”

  “I love you too, Dan. Mama.” She pointed toward the living room.

  “Mama can’t see me, honey.”

  “Why?”

  “Because … I’m dead. No one can see me but you.” His voice faltered for a moment and he inhaled sharply. “I don’t know how yo
u can see me.”

  Alexandra struggled under his grasp. She squirmed and pushed on his chest with her hands, breaking free of his embrace. She cocked her head and put her balled up fists on her hips and looked at him fiercely.

  “I don’t know what dead is, or why people keep sayin’ that word.” She shook her head. “It don’t matter. You’s not hurt and you’s not buried.” She pointed again to the living room. “Mama. She’s in there. She’ll stop cryin’ when she sees you.”

  Alexandra reached out and touched Dan’s head. “Why you cryin’? You’s not hurt.”

  Dan looked up, and saw Rale standing in the doorway, watching them. Would she be able to see him as well? Could he hurt her?

  Panic, as wild as fire, blazed through Dan’s spirit. What was he supposed to do?

  Tar will know what to do.

  “Tar?”

  With a tiny little pop, and a flash of orange light, Tar appeared beside Dan, smiling as though amused at his own theatrics. “Yes? I’m here.”

  Alexandra looked up at him, eyes wide. “Who’s that?” she whispered suspiciously to Dan.

  Tar smiled, and kneeled in front of her. “Hi there. I’m a friend of Dan’s.”

  Alexandra’s eyes got bigger. “Are you God?”

  Tar chuckled. “No, I’m Tar.”

  Alexandra touched Tar’s cheek. “Are you dead too?”

  “Yes. I am.” He reached out and ran his fingers lightly over the side of her face, from her forehead down to her chin.

  Rale watched silently from the doorway. When Tar touched Alexandra’s face, he started to move forward, his hand reaching for her.

  “Stay away from her!” Dan shouted, as he pulled Alexandra toward him, protectively.

  Rale stopped moving, looked at his outstretched hand, perhaps surprised to find it there, and dropped it to his side.

  Alexandra turned to look behind her, in the direction of Dan’s gaze.

  For a moment it seemed that the three spirits collectively held their breath.

  Rale dropped to his knees and looked at her as if she could save him.

  “Who you talkin’ to?” Alexandra asked, her eyes passing over Rale, as they did all the other inconsequential items in the room.

  The hope Dan had seen on Rale’s face just the moment before vanished in a brief flash of pain. Rale sighed and closed his eyes. He smiled and shook his head gently. Then he stood up, casting one more look at Alexandra, and left the room.

  Dan hugged her close. “No one, honey.”

  “Let’s go.” She squirmed out of his embrace and pointed again toward the living room. “Mama’s in there.”

  “Who are you talking to?” Anne said.

  ~~~~~

  Alexandra twirled around, and saw Mama standing in the doorway.

  “Dan!”

  “Dan? What are you talking about, baby? Dan’s not here.”

  “He’s right here, Mama.” She spun back around and pointed, but her smile slipped away. “He was right there, Mama.”

  Mama sighed. “Honey...I told you, Dan’s gone. Remember? He’s dead, and we won’t be seeing him again.”

  “No Mama. He’s playin’ hide’n seek. You know how good a hider he is.”

  Alexandra looked around the room, under the blankie, behind the door.

  She scrunched her eyebrows and huffed a little.

  Dang it, he’s such’a good hider.

  “Mama, he was jus’ here, with that friend.”

  Mama came in and sat on the bed, her eyes looking around the room. “What friend?”

  “You was wrong, Mama. Dan’s not up in Heaven with God, he’s right here with Tar.”

  “Tar, huh? And who exactly is Tar?”

  “Dan’s friend. He’s dead too. I hugged Dan. Now he’s hidin’.”

  She giggled and skipped out of the room.

  “He won’t be dead bery much longer.”

  Chapter 24

  Dan watched Alexandra skip out of the room, leaving Anne sitting alone on the bed. He turned to Tar with a puzzled look on his face. “Why can’t she see me anymore?”

  Tar shrugged. “Well, it’s a fleeting thing with children. The younger they are, the better they see. Babies see us almost every time. But of course, who are they gonna tell?”

  “Why didn’t she see Rale?”

  “Because Rale’s spirit is full of darkness and despair, and Alexandra doesn’t know those things. Her spirit can’t recognize them yet.”

  Dan looked at his hands. “I touched her. My God, she felt me touching her.”

  “She felt you with her spirit, not her physical body.”

  “I don’t…I don’t understand.”

  Tar walked to the doorway and watched Alexandra playing in the next room. “Well, it’s because she hasn’t been there very long, in that physical world. She still remembers how to be her spirit. But the longer she’s in that body, the more her spirit will forget and she’ll start using her brain for everything.”

  Anne had closed the blinds and fallen asleep on the bed. Rale lay beside her, his eyes closed.

  Dan gritted his teeth. I bet he’s listening to everything we’re saying. I wish he would just go away.

  Dan longed to touch Anne, the way he had touched Alexandra. “Anne saw him, Tar. She saw Rale, I mean. She actually talked to him. Is that possible?”

  Tar’s face darkened. “He has a way of making his presence known.”

  “Can you do it? Can you talk to her like he does?”

  Tar looked away from Alexandra and over at Rale. “Not like he does. I can only talk to her in her dreams.”

  “Tar, I’ve tried to talk to her in her dreams. I just can’t get through to her. Will you do it for me? Can you give her a message from me?”

  “Well…” Tar shrugged. “I can try. No promises.”

  “What do you mean, try? Isn’t it easy for you?”

  “Yes, it’s easy, but it probably won’t mean anything to her. She doesn’t know me so I won’t make a strong impression. She won’t believe that I’m anything but a dream. If she remembers me at all.”

  Dan smiled. “You’ll make a strong impression. I’m sure of it.”

  “I will try. What is it you want me to tell her?”

  Now that Tar asked, what did he want to tell her? There was so much. “Tell her that I’m sorry. And tell her that I love her…and that I’m okay.”

  Tar turned toward her and Dan grabbed his arm. “Wait. Tell her that I’m always with her and that I’ll never leave her. And God, just tell her how sorry I am, and–– “

  “Stop.” Tar twisted away from him. “I can’t say that much to her. Dreams are fleeting, unpredictable. If I can get her to focus on me at all, it’ll only be for a short time.”

  Tar walked over and kneeled beside her. He reached out for her, his hand hesitating before touching her face. He leaned in and whispered something in her ear.

  Rale sat up, watching Tar.

  Chapter 25

  Tar leaned in close to Anne’s sleeping face. “Anne, Can you hear me?” His lips brushed her ear. A tingle of life caressed his spirit.

  The room and the world faded away, as the velvety greyness of her subconscious folded around him. He still kneeled by the bed, but Anne now stood beside him, looking down at him. “Yes, I can hear you.”

  Tar stood up and took both of her hands in his own. The tingling sensation moved through him like warm water poured over cold skin. At first it burned and he winced. Then the burning melted into a soothing balm which flowed through him. This was her spirit, ablaze with life.

  Tar blinked and took a shaky breath. “Do you know who I am?”

  “Yes. You’re the guy from ‘Galaxy Quest’,” she answered sleepily.

  He smiled. “No. I’m Tar, Dan’s friend.”

  She squinted and leaned closer to him. “Tar?”

  “That’s right.”

  Her eyes opened wider. “Are you God?”

  Tar chuckled. “No, I’m not God
. Just a friend. Dan wants me to give you a message.”

  Her mouth opened and closed and she shook her head slowly from side to side. “It’s hard to talk.”

  “Don’t try. Just look at me and listen carefully.”

  Anne relaxed and nodded.

  “Dan is sorry, Anne. He’s loves you, and he’s okay. Can you remember that?”

  The corners of her mouth turned down and a little crinkle formed between her eyebrows. “I’m not sure. Can you tell me again?”

  Tar still held her hands and he pulled her closer so their bodies touched. Taking her hands in one of his, he placed the other on the side of her face. Leaning down to look closely in her eyes, Tar saw the pool of eternity reflected back at him. He could fall into the depth of those eyes.

  The living force of creation flowed through her spirit like a raging, racing river that shot forth over the edge of the world and fell, tumbling and splashing, into the ocean of eternity. If it had been real, Tar would have felt her breath on his face and the beating of her heart on his chest.

  What he did feel was a shiver in his spirit as it touched hers, the hot rush of life shooting through him and setting him on fire with passion and shame, joy and grief.

  “Anne.” His voice trembled. Pausing, he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. When he opened them, he looked at her again. “Anne. Dan is okay now. He’s sorry that he left, and he loves you very much.”

  Anne blinked her starry eyes. “Is he with you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Can I see him?”

  Tar looked down. “Do you see this?” A dark, broad line seared the greyness next to their feet.

  “Yes”

  “Dan can’t cross it. He’s on the other side.”

  Anne moved toward the line. “Can you take me there?”

  Tar put his arms around her waist and pulled her back, holding her close to him protectively. “No. You can’t come with me.”

  “Why not?”

  Tar gave her a sad kind of smile and brushed a loose strand of hair away from her face. “Because you’re alive.”

  She laid her head on Tar’s chest. “I miss him.”