Craving Dragonflies

by Terri E. Laine

  There it was, the accusation in his eyes.

  “Nothing. She’s just mad you weren’t here,” I blurted without thought.

  That was partially true.

  His grin returned. “She’s jealous.”

  His head tilted, mulling over the idea.

  “You guys can go.” We turned as one to find Julie with a towel wrapped around her. “I have a date to get ready for.”

  Her eyes found mine, and I quickly glanced away.

  Sawyer was too caught up in what she said to notice.

  “Tell me you saw her tits. What are they like?” he muttered to me under his breath before what she’d said hit him. “Wait, a date? Who is this guy? Do I know him?” he asked her.

  Julie turned on her charm, which she was damn good at.

  “Why should I tell you? Do you tell me every girl you hook up with?”

  Sawyer sputtered and walked past me to step in front of her. Though they’d been friends, he’d become increasingly tongue-tied around her. It was almost funny, but there were other emotions wrapped up in my feelings about the two of them together.

  “I’m trying to help you out,” he pleaded.

  She laughed. “No, you’re not.”

  “Tonight, my house. Party. Don’t bring your date,” he offered. He glanced over his shoulder at me. “This is our time. Graduation. It should just be the three of us.”

  Normally, I understood what he meant. But I didn’t think he would want to share, not Julie. I wasn’t sure I wanted to complicate our friendship. What if she realized she wanted him too? Would I be mad because she would take him away from me or that he would take her?

  “Just the three of us?” she asked.

  They looked at me for confirmation. I closed my eyes and nodded. It would end up a night I’d never forget.

  28

  Ashton

  * * *

  In that split moment, I reflected on a time with Julie when she’d kissed me. I hadn’t been the frog turned prince. I twisted my head just enough that Willow’s kiss landed at the corner of my mouth.

  She pulled back. Her frown mirrored Julie’s from that past time and I had a second to regret. I wasn’t sure what I felt for Willow except that I cared enough about her not to bring her into my complicated life. She, like Julie, would never understand what Sawyer meant to me and what I owed him.

  Though Sawyer was in love with someone else, my feelings hadn’t changed.

  “I should go,” she said again.

  “Do you want me to walk you home?”

  Her smile, like the sun, had the power to warm my skin.

  “You’re cute, but I’ll be fine.” She pointed to the sky. “It’s still light out.” She pulled her phone from her pocket. “And I haven’t lost it yet.”

  She licked her lips before pressing them shut again. Then she gave me a little wave and headed deeper into the dense man-made woods.

  I stood there watching her retreating form and ran a rough hand over my head.

  My phone buzzed, and I pulled it out. There was a text from Chance.

  Where are you? Coach is pissed.

  Fuck. Practice. I was late again and would miss it if I didn’t hustle over there.

  One hundred one-armed push-ups, another set of clapping push-ups, then after what felt like a million stadium stair climbs, Coach released me to walk alone to the locker room. It was empty as everyone else had long since left.

  The hot shower was a welcome respite, and I stayed there until the water cooled. Even after I turned it off, I rested my forearm on the tile and put my head there.

  “Was it worth it?”

  I lifted my head and glanced over to where Sawyer stood outside with his arms stretched out to rest on the edge of the stall I occupied as if he needed holding up. I blew out air, resigned to forestalling the oncoming confrontation.

  “What?” I asked tiredly.

  “Coming late to practice to avoid me.”

  My arm had dropped so I could cover my dick. Again, I wasn’t sure why I’d done it. It wasn’t like he’d even remotely looked in that direction.

  “Do I need to remind you that it isn’t always about you?” I said in my defense.

  That was when I noticed how tired he looked. I wondered when the last time he slept.

  “Can we call a truce? I need my best friend.”

  I closed my eyes, feeling like the biggest shit ever. Something was definitely going on with him. I nodded.

  “I got my dad on my ass and something’s going on with Shelly. I’m worried about her,” he said.

  “Shelly’s got a boyfriend.” Not that he wanted to hear that.

  “Thanks, like I didn’t know.”

  At least he wasn’t mad. In fact, his lips twitched.

  “Do you think I could get dressed before we finish this conversation?”

  He snatched the towel that hung over the half wall and threw it at me before glancing down at my hand. I’d caught it midair.

  “Don’t worry about shrinkage. I hear most guys have that problem in water,” he joked, leaving the shower area.

  A burst of laughter that felt like forever in coming busted out of me. I almost shouted stop thinking about my dick, but the words died in my throat. Our friendship hadn’t repaired enough to go there. I sobered and quickly dried off, wrapping the towel around my waist.

  He sat with his arms resting on his knees, fists pressed into his eyes. I scrubbed a hand over my mouth.

  “Do you think I can move back in?” I asked.

  It wasn’t just because Sawyer needed me. I’d had enough with the Sigma house and all the shit it stood for.

  “I never accepted you’d left, not for good anyway.”

  His easy smile was too quick and lacked all the enthusiasm he normally had in abundance.

  “What’s going on with your dad?” I finally asked.

  I’d let him talk and tell me how much or how little he wanted. I didn’t ask questions, because what he needed was for me to listen. He never had trouble speaking, but what most people didn’t know about him was that he felt like those that mattered never heard what he had to say except for me until lately. I’d failed him there, and he’d been doing a lot of stupid and reckless things I recognized now as attention grabbers. That was what my former therapist would have called it. Though I hadn’t done many sessions. The university psychologists were over worked and underpaid. I’d felt like a number and not a person.

  Back at the townhouse in my room, it was business as usual. I found myself falling back into old patterns. Sawyer needed me, and I jumped back into the familiar. I lay on my bed early two Saturdays later waiting for the guys to leave for our game.

  I felt guilty. I hadn’t seen Willow and had only traded a few texts. I’d given her some more Shakespearean quotes, but that was it.

  “Are you ready?”

  Sawyer had stolen my thoughts. What would it be like without him? I’d tried and failed to do it on my own. What would happen when we graduated in the spring?

  “Yeah,” I said, moving my legs over the side as I sat up. “Don’t look so happy about the game.”

  His lack of enthusiasm matched my own.

  “You know how I feel.”

  “You don’t want to be quarterback,” I finished for him.

  “I don’t have a choice either. Dad and his master plan to be president.”

  I thought about the conversation I had with my father. “Does your dad know that mine has the same lofty goals.”

  They weren’t exactly friends, nor did his father know that the senator of the great state of New York was my father. But he knew they were on opposite sides of the party line.

  Sawyer shrugged. “I don’t exactly talk politics with Dad.”

  Chance moved into the doorway and slung an arm over Sawyer’s shoulder.

  “Hey, before we go, do you have the necklace? I’m going to give it to her tonight.”

  I went over to my chest of drawers and opened the to
p one, pulling out the box. I hoped he liked the changes. I handed it over.

  “Fuck, brother,” Chance said and I couldn’t read his expression.

  He walked over, pulled me in with a quick tight grip on my shoulder, and then released me.

  “It’s okay, right?” I asked.

  His voice broke. “Okay? I owe you. She’s going to fucking love it.”

  “You don’t owe me anything,” I said.

  Sawyer came in. “Let me see.” Chance offered him the box. “Moon and stars and shit. I get it.” He looked at me. “Didn’t know you had it in you,” he said to me. Then to Chance, he said, “Remind me not to be in the house later. She’s going to bang your brains out tonight.”

  We laughed, the moment over.

  “Let’s go kick some ass,” Chance announced.

  Out of the three of us, Chance actually liked playing football or maybe it was the scholarship that came with it.

  I stood, and we left the townhouse piling into Sawyer’s BMW. He put on some old school NWA “Gangsta Gangsta” and Dre’s “Nuthin’ But a G Thang.” You would have thought the car had hydraulics the way Sawyer rolled up in the parking lot.

  We got a few brows raised from some of our teammates, but Sawyer didn’t give a shit. He popped some shades on and exited the car like a G. Chance and I traded glances before laughing. I was pretty sure the press van in the lot was the reason for Sawyer’s antics. He didn’t want to be his father’s lap dog and would do anything to prove he was his own man. I put my cap on and followed Sawyer like a good dog.

  Things went well for Sawyer with us winning in spectacular fashion. Unlike last game, he got his bell rung several times and had been checked out for a concussion.

  We ended up at a huge house party. I’d settled into a rut. Following Sawyer’s lead meant copious amounts of alcohol. As usual, he had pussy on the brain, and I thought I had enough.

  “Hey.” The guy I’d thought had been Willow’s boyfriend waved me into a room.

  Honestly, if I’d taken the time to really think about it, I probably would have guessed about what he wanted. He’d been staring at me all night.

  “I’m Kent.”

  I tried not to make any assumptions. That was a dangerous thing. I had a lot of experience with them.

  “What do you want?” I asked.

  Truth be told, when he closed us into the room, the more my head toyed with the idea of figuring out what I wanted. I needed to know.

  Was I what the monster claimed me to be?

  Who had I been attracted to that night at the party so many nights ago when Willow had been too drunk to string four words together? Or had it been him?

  “I thought we had something in common,” he claimed.

  I frowned as he went on to tell me that his brother was hosting the party. I checked out of the conversation a second until I heard him say, “Though you were looking for that guy.”

  There it was again, but I had to ask. Maybe he wasn’t referring to Sawyer.

  “What guy?”

  “I think his name is Sawyer…”

  He rambled on, but I found myself hating that everyone read me so well.

  “What about him?”

  “I’ve seen you watching him and he left with some girl.”

  I gritted my teeth. “And?”

  He cocked a brow and folded his arms across his chest. “You’re into him. I get it. He’s hot.”

  When I didn’t respond right away, he closed the distance between us, raising my hackles.

  “It’s not like that,” I said.

  He kept coming, and it was becoming all too real.

  “It isn’t? You want him, but you have options.”

  “Options,” I sputtered.

  When he stopped less than an inch away and pressed his mouth to mine, I ruled out that he was talking about other girls.

  Kissing was something I didn’t do regularly and gasped at the sudden contact. He took advantage, sweeping his tongue into my mouth.

  I lost my breath and not because I enjoyed the contact. I was taken aback when all my choices had been stolen from me. It was automatic when instead of shoving him away, I punched him. The saddest thing about it was the resigned look he gave me, like me hitting him wasn’t unexpected. That’s when I realized I had no idea what his story was.

  “I’m sorry,” I spewed out as he wiped blood from the corner of his mouth. “I’m really sorry.”

  I fled the room, confused by the encounter, only to feel claustrophobic in the hallway. There were too many people brushing against my skin. I might as well been stung by a thousand bees for all the pain I was in. The monster I thought I buried was resurrected. That’s when I saw Sawyer ducking into a bathroom with Shelly. I should have let it be, but he was my safe place, which I needed more than ever.

  When he finally let me in, I knew I’d walked into a pivotal moment between the two of them. Yet, I couldn’t leave no matter what it would cost me in the end. When you love someone so unconditionally, the consequences of what they needed from you didn’t matter even knowing I could never have what I wanted. Like Vegas, I left what happened in the bathroom between us in the past, not to be brought up again.

  Though I did walk away with answers I hadn’t had before, that didn’t stop the heaviness in my chest when Sawyer and I had a talk as we walked on campus the next day.

  “It can’t happen again,” he said, warning me off Shelly as if.

  It was exactly what he’d said after closing a door on a chapter in my life months ago. Finally, I brought up the topic he hadn’t once acknowledged. That graduation night with him, Julie, and me, three years ago. We’d been high off of God knows what. Lines had been crossed that would never be crossed again. He’d made that clear as he spoke.

  “Ash, don’t go there.”

  I wanted it out in the open for once. “Why? It happened.”

  He and I had a moment that might had solidified the feelings I’d been holding onto for years.

  “It shouldn’t have.”

  The shame the devil had engrained in me had me spitting out my next sentence. “Because you are ashamed?”

  “Yes.”

  There it was.

  “But not because of the reasons you’re thinking. I was supposed to protect you, not use you like that asshole.”

  My heart kicked up a beat as I looked at the only person to ever love me. When he first spoke to me all those years ago, all my doubts about life disappeared. He’d been the only home I’d given my heart. As he continued, I held back on my world crumbling in front of me. Even though I’d come to my own conclusions last night, I knew things between us were forever changed. I needed to learn to slay my own dragons.

  He continued to talk, and I caught a few words here and there.

  “It was a mistake.” That was like the final nail in my coffin as my heart, along with my world, vaporized. I could picture the useless organ turning black with each word he spoke. “You can’t let the past shape your future. Besides, what guy have you kissed…”

  An inappropriate laugh left the empty shell that was me as I remembered Kent and his kiss. I’d gotten confirmation of one thing from it.

  “You have?” he asked, drawing his own conclusions from my reactions.

  “No, this guy, he…”

  I found myself unable to finish that sentence.

  “He kissed you?”

  I nodded, remembering that moment over again.

  “And?”

  A part of me didn’t want to tell him. He’d draw conclusions I didn’t want him to. But it was Sawyer and I couldn’t lie to him, not after everything.

  “I don’t know. He took me by surprise.”

  His rye smile should have lightened my mood, but I’d died inside. I didn’t see that I would ever love someone like I’d loved him.

  He chuckled. “What did you do?”

  “I punched him.”

  He stopped and doubled over with laughter.

  “Se
e. You’re not bi either.”

  He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, like everything was right in the world when mine had toppled over. But the time for sharing was over. I had to accept that he would never love me the same way I loved him. Still, he was right about one thing.

  We’d made it to the parking lot when a voice interrupted my thoughts.

  “Are you the asshole who hit my brother?”

  29

  Willow

  * * *

  Music jammed out of my tiny Jawbone speaker as I twirled around my apartment feeling lighter than ever.

  “What’s got you in a good mood?” Celeste asked.

  “My paper is done,” I sang.

  “I’ve never known you to be happy about writing a paper.”

  I didn’t let her sour mood bring me down. I’d done it on my own for the most part and thought it was pretty good. I gave her a smile, showing lots of teeth as I thought about Ashton. He’d sent me some quotes, some I’d used, others I’d found on my own. Though I hadn’t seen him since that day when he hadn’t let me kiss him.

  The me from a few weeks ago would have been devastated by his rejection. The today me couldn’t be mad at him. There was just something so beautiful about his soul. He’d shown me selfless kindness every time we’d met, never asking for anything in return.

  That didn’t mean my crush had disappeared. I still liked him. I also knew realistically it would never happen. So in a way, I’d moved on.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket and I drew it out, grinning at the screen.

  “Wow, now you have to tell me,” Celeste probed. I caught her gaze as she asked, “Who is he?”

  I bit my lower lip.

  “Seriously, you’re not going to tell me?”

  Instead of answering her, I widened my grin.

  “That’s not fair,” she continued. “I told you Taylor’s name.”

  She had, but nothing more about him. She had her secrets. Why couldn’t I have mine too? I danced toward my room, and she followed, of course.

  “You’ve been acting weird since that white party. What happened?”

  I lifted my shoulders in reply. I thought when I lost my virginity I would want to shout it from the rooftops. But there was something so private, I wanted to keep it to myself. Then again, I wasn’t a good liar and didn’t want her to know the part about Ashton not remembering.