Craving Dragonflies

by Terri E. Laine

  “Fine. If you’re not going to tell me, at least spill if you are meeting a guy.”

  It was a borderline smile with my lip between my teeth. It was stupid to keep it from her.

  “It’s not an actual date,” I admitted.

  “Okay, I can work with that.” Then she rummaged in my closet. “We so need to go to the mall soon.”

  She flipped through clothes as I stood and glanced at the text again.

  30. Same spot.

  It was such a nonconsequential word, but it wasn’t really a word, but a number. Still. Time was ticking down.

  The shorts my well-meaning sister had picked out were a little tight and the yellow halter shirt showed too much of my belly, but she’d convinced me I’d looked great.

  The sounds of crickets played as I made my way to our spot. When had it become that? The sky was a rainbow of colors from gold to dusty pink as the sun dipped into the horizon.

  “You finished it?”

  I clutched my chest. Ashton’s deep voice scared the crap out of me. He lay hidden in the tall grass. I was lucky I didn’t trip and fall on him again. Still, I grinned thinking about the heavy weight off my chest.

  “Yeah. I finished.”

  Even I heard the pride in my voice.

  “Are you going to let me read it?”

  I made a place in the grass to sit next to him, feeling shy all of a sudden.

  “You don’t have to,” I said.

  Though I valued his opinion, insecurity crept in. He was the English major. I couldn’t read his expression with it covered in shadows from the dimming light.

  “I want to,” he said.

  Taking a deep breath, I flipped through the screens on my phone to bring it up from the email I sent my professor. I handed it over and waited for his fingers to brush over mine. Somehow our skin didn’t touch. I leaned back on my hands to hide my disappointment and found the sky, afraid to see any reaction from him while he read.

  He didn’t skim as much time passed. I’d been thinking about my plans for later that night when he spoke.

  “It’s good. I really like your use of ‘All that glitters is not gold.’”

  I sat up and quietly clapped at his high praise.

  “Yeah, I thought about our talk and really thought that worked with how dragonflies don’t mate forever, kind of like Romeo and Juliet, time was short. At the same time, just because what’s beautiful might be short-lived, doesn’t mean one shouldn’t try.”

  The area began to light up with fireflies, creating a perfect mood as the crickets continued with their nightly chorus. Only this was not a date, I reminded myself.

  In the fading light, his eyes held mine like I was the apple of his eye. I’ll admit, it stole my breath, until I remembered the non-kiss in the woods.

  Then it happened so slowly and unexpectedly, I can’t say which of us initiated the contact as we met somewhere in the middle.

  His lips were as soft as I imagined. Caught up in all the sensations, I closed my eyes and must have opened my mouth, because his tongue stroked over mine and delicious things happened in my belly as butterflies took flight.

  Oxygen was no longer a thought as long as I could breathe in his air. It wasn’t quick, nor did we rush. He took his time exploring me as I did him. He’d tasted like a sweet apple freshly picked from a tree if I didn’t know better.

  The need to touch him overwhelmed me. Our contact so far had only been mouth to mouth. I definitely felt resuscitated, but I needed more. I brushed a hand over his cheek, prepared to cup the back of his neck to draw him closer.

  That contact changed everything. He pulled back so fast, I nearly lost my balance. What had I done?

  Falling back into old habits, I apologized, “I’m sorry,” and took all the blame.

  Then again, the alarm on his face had me checking where my other hand was.

  “I shouldn’t have done that,” he said, widening the gap between us.

  Hurt feelings put my defenses up, erecting a wall to protect my heart.

  “We shouldn’t have, especially since I have a date tonight,” I said.

  He stilled halfway to getting to his feet and then sat back down.

  “Date?” he asked.

  “Yeah, you know, when two people go out together to enjoy each other’s company.”

  His tongue darted out of his gorgeous mouth and licked his lips. Why should I want to know what was going on in that beautiful head of his? But I did.

  “I know what a date is, though I’ve never been on one.”

  That killed some of my anger. “Seriously?”

  His shoulders lifted and fell in answer.

  “Well, if this is how you treat girls, I can see why.”

  My petulant tone broke through him, though I should only be angry at myself.

  “Willow, I like you, I do. Things are just complicated right now. It wouldn’t be fair to you…”

  My heart soared and took a dive in the same second. He liked me. My inner self did a little dance and maybe a twerk or two until I remembered the second thing he’d said. Things are complicated. That could only mean one thing.

  “Isn’t that my decision to make?”

  It was a desperate attempt to change things around, which was stupid considering my date.

  “I need to get my head on straight,” he said.

  Red flag, Willow. Let him go.

  Yet, I nodded even though I didn’t understand and decided to just put it out there.

  “You’re in love with someone else,” I said.

  I didn’t mention Sawyer by name. That had only gotten him to shut down in the past.

  He pursed his lips tight and revealed nothing.

  I nodded again and got to my feet. “For the record, he’s missing out.” His jaw worked, but he didn’t look at me. “Thanks for everything.” When he still didn’t acknowledge me, I said with finality, “Bye, Ash.”

  His head jerked up, but I was already turning away. I wasn’t sure what came over me to not use his full name. Something about it felt right.

  In little time, I made it back across campus, to where a black and white movie drive-in style played. Blankets littered the field in place of cars.

  I found Derek with his black-framed glasses waiting for me. He had popcorn and beer and kept up a steady conversation about life back then and now as we enjoyed the show. Problem was, I couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss that had blown my world into smithereens.

  A tap on my shoulder brought me to the present. Derek wore a hesitant smile and said, “You left me there for a second.”

  “Sorry.”

  I was. It wasn’t fair for him.

  “That was fun. Can we do it again sometime?”

  “Yes, we should… do it again.”

  He helped me to my feet and didn’t let go. In fact, he walked me all the way to my apartment. In his hopeful eyes, I could see he wanted to kiss me goodnight, but I couldn’t.

  “Thanks again for tonight,” I said.

  Our hands fell away and I gave him a little wave before going into my apartment without so much as a brush of lips on a cheek. I touched mine, which hadn’t stopped tingling from hours before.

  After closing and locking my door, I flopped on my bed. Was Ashton thinking about me? Probably not. He was in love with Sawyer, but apparently, that didn’t mean he didn’t like girls. He’d said he liked me. What should I do with that?

  When a text came, I read it several times before answering.

  30

  Ashton

  * * *

  Days later, I still didn’t know why I’d kissed her. Except I had. I’d needed the confirmation. She’d been the third puzzle piece I had to fit together to see the picture of my life clearly.

  Sawyer took my feelings as some twisted form of hero worship. Maybe there was some of that, but that thinking diminished how I felt. And denying it hadn’t gotten me anywhere, not that admitting it had either.

  Then there had been t
he kiss with Kent. He was a good enough looking dude, and because I recognized that, I hadn’t been sure what that meant. Then there was pretty Willow. I’d acted on instinct and kissed her. It had been a shitty thing to do.

  What had I learned about myself? Sawyer was right. I wasn’t gay or even bi. It was a relief, not because I would have been ashamed at either revelation. More that I’d questioned who I was for so long, having an answer was a relief.

  I’d never been interested in any guy ever outside of Sawyer, and with him it had always been different. There was a connection between us that was deeper than the physical. The fact that I’d felt nothing when Kent kissed me confirmed that guys didn’t do it for me.

  However, nothing had been far from what I felt when I’d kissed Willow. My dick had instantly risen to the occasion, like it had with Julie all those years ago.

  Sawyer hadn’t been around either time, and I couldn’t blame my body’s readiness on him.

  Although I was pretty sure I had the answers I needed, a thousand questions still plagued me.

  I took the steps down into the usual underground space hollowed out beneath the frat house. Initiation night into the Vanderbilt Club was tonight.

  Open lockers lined the small dark room I’d entered. We’d been instructed to deposit clothes and dawn the robes for the first meeting.

  Sawyer came in as did Lance. I traded glances with my friend. We were both surprised to see Kent’s brother as a potential inductee. He had the money and family power. Still, that wasn’t the only criteria to be chosen.

  No one spoke. Sawyer left before me, and I started to follow. Lance brought up his arm like a bar to block my way.

  “My brother’s not a fag like you.”

  I didn’t give a shit what he thought of me, but I didn’t like that use of word.

  “He isn’t,” I said, because though Kent was gay, he wasn’t a fag. “But you are.”

  I took hold of his arm and shoved it down, pushing him back out of my way at the same time.

  He stumbled back a step, and I left taking my time. I did listen in case he tried to rush me, but I wasn’t afraid. I gave him the same dead stare I’d given Willhouse when I dared him to try me. Lance trusted his instincts and left me alone.

  I followed a narrow hall that led to a large cavernous room. It was circular and shrouded in darkness. An inlayed marble floor was a pattern of ovals that outlined the perimeter. Many robed figures had already filled spots. In the low light, I couldn’t see Sawyer’s face and chose a place halfway toward the back of the room.

  Within minutes, all the spots were filled. A booming voice filled the room.

  It spoke of loyalty, unity, and ended on trust. It wasn’t exactly in my nature to trust. He went on to say that we would be given a gift.

  A line of women walked into the room and the circle we formed. They corralled around to stand one by one three feet in front of each of us. Then together they dropped their robes. Someone gasped, and there was no doubt in my mind it had to be Bryant. His dream was about to come true as it became apparent what our gift was for the evening.

  The woman before me was as perfect as a human could be. Her breasts were heavy and rounded. Her stomach was flat with hips full enough to grab ahold of. Yet, there wasn’t a twitch beneath my robe.

  “Follow me,” she said in accented English.

  I refocused on her and closed the distance between us while I’d pondered what it meant not to have a reaction. She was beautiful for sure. Shouldn’t I want her?

  She grabbed my wrist, and it took everything in me not to snatch my hand away. Her hold sent stabbing pain lancing through me. My heart rated increased as ingrained panic from so many years ago welled up inside me.

  “I have something you need to hear,” she whispered.

  That got my attention. What would she need to tell me?

  As if she’d heard my thoughts, she added, “It’s about your parents.” When she said their names, my interest was piqued. I removed my hand, but followed her to one of the rooms beyond the circle outline.

  We entered a room, small but large enough for a bed with straps that hung from posts and plenty of space to walk around it. There was also a small chest of drawers in a corner. The only other interesting thing to note was the door on the opposite side from the one we entered.

  By the time I made eye contact with the woman, raising a brow in question, a voice came from the small speakers high in the corners near the ceiling.

  “Trust goes both ways. If we are to share our secrets with you, you must trust us the same. This test is the first of many and not a terribly hard one. Take a load off. Give yourself over to the pleasure we bestow unto you. Let yourself be bound and believe that we will not take advantage of the power you grant us this night.”

  My past had never been far from my mind even after so many years. Though I had nothing to prove to this society or my father, who was a member, I had something to prove to myself.

  You can do this.

  Because I’d yet to react to the woman watching me, I doubted anything could happen. I sat on the bed before exhaling a breath and lying back. My mind trailed to Sawyer. Was he too giving in to the rules of this test?

  The woman who’d not given me her name came over and began to strap me in.

  “There is a woman who knows your mother. She has answers to many questions you may have about her.”

  I took slow breaths, trying not to let my fear get the best of me, and concentrated on her words.

  “Why do I care?”

  To her I must have sounded like I was in pain the way I’d gritted out the words.

  “You will learn the truth about your father.”

  Neither of the so-called people who’d given me life had ever been parents to me. So, why was curiosity growing inside me?

  “Why would you know anything?” I asked.

  She glanced up above the door. I craned my neck, but didn’t see anything. Though I imagined there must be a hidden camera that she was well aware of.

  “They want you to know.”

  They could mean anything, but most likely the Club.

  She pressed a paper into my hand and left that wrist unbound as she moved to cover my eyes with a blindfold. Everything went dark. If not for my free arm, I might have thrashed about to get free.

  She bound my ankles and came back. I knew not by sound, but by the faint floral scent she wore.

  Her breath fanned over my ear as she spoke.

  “You’ve been granted another gift. It will not be me who takes care of you tonight.”

  Breathing too fast, a dizzying sensation rocked through my body. It left me a little light-headed, and I had to remind myself this game was about trust. Given that I had a free hand, I could leave at any time. I wasn’t sure how long I could wait to find out if I would lose to panic and old memories or if I could win this round.

  31

  Willow

  * * *

  When I walked in, Celeste was there waiting in the living room to ambush me with what she held in her hand.

  The black envelope was so distinctive, there was no mistaking what she had.

  “When did you get this?” she asked like she had every right to know.

  There had been a time when I would have cowered against her demands. But all the reasons why had faded away since I’d met Ashton. He’d helped me fight against my insecurities. He’d found me attractive and not lacking. Though I still held a major crush on him, I was actually okay with not having him.

  I’d gone out with Derek a couple of times and he was growing on me.

  I moved forward and plucked the invitation from her hand.

  “It’s none of your business,” I said and kept moving forward to my bedroom.

  She might have been briefly stunned that I’d talked to her that way after years of silent compliance. She was still only four steps behind me when I entered my space.

  “Well,” she said, with a dramatic pause to follow. �
��It seems you don’t need my help anymore.”

  I held up the envelope. “Why were you going through my things?”

  She stared at me like I had two heads.

  “I was looking for my earrings I let you borrow and you never gave back. And there it was in the top drawer.”

  I sighed. Okay, she hadn’t been snooping.

  “Fine, but why did you take it out? Did you read it?”

  I wasn’t sure why I was pissed.

  “No. I didn’t have to. Are you going?”

  I hadn’t been sure, and tonight was the night. On one hand, Ashton’s mixed messages were confusing. He’d told guys at his frat I was his. He’d had sex with me, but didn’t remember. Lastly, he’d said he liked me and kissed me, but in the same breath warned me he wasn’t the right guy for me.

  “Is this how you plan to lose your virginity?”

  There had been many reasons why I hadn’t told her about that yet. It had been my secret that I could replay in my head and not analyze the reasons why the night wasn’t as magical as I’d wanted it to be.

  “I’m not a virgin anymore.”

  Her eyes bugged out. “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I didn’t want to lie or tell her the truth, but I shrugged.

  “Are you okay? Was he good to you? You don’t have to tell me if you want.”

  Celeste had many layers. Today, she was showing me the kindness I knew was inside her with her genuine concern.

  “He’s a good guy,” I said.

  Thinking about him brought a grin to my face.

  “That good, huh?” When I only gave her another half-shrug, she asked, “Are you guys together?”

  “Not exactly.”

  Her expression turned sympathetic, which only made me feel pathetic.

  “Is he going to be there?”

  She pointed at the envelope I still held.

  The truth came out of me in the form of a nod.