Heaven Is For Heroes

by PJ Sharon

  A mixture of salt and his natural woodsy scent made me hungry for him in a way I’d never experienced before. The more I tasted of him, the more I wanted. His breath came in short gasps and his body shuddered. He pulled me tighter against him. My lips seemed to have a mind of their own, exploring his neck and working their way along his jaw and up to his earlobe, soft between my teeth. In spite of a tiny voice screaming at me from somewhere way in the back of my head to ‘stop’, I found my hand gliding down his chest and skimming over the ridges of his abdomen.

  Alex sucked in a breath like he’d been stabbed. He rested his hand over mine and squirmed away from my lips. “Jordie, you have to stop. I can’t…we can’t…I promised…”

  My face burned and I felt his rejection like a slap. “I’m sorry. I thought you wanted…never mind.” I turned away from him and stared into the glowing embers of the fire. My chest ached and my body cooled with just the few inches of space between us. I heard him let out another groan, and then he slid in behind me again, the evidence that my kisses had been effective pressed against my lower back.

  My head spun with confused emotions. I wanted him so badly I could scarcely stop myself from attacking him, but he made me so mad. Always treating me like a child…like I didn’t know my own mind…like I didn’t know what I wanted. Like he didn’t want me the way I wanted him. The physical attraction was obvious, but he might feel the same with any other half naked girl in the middle of the night. Why couldn’t he just tell me how he felt?

  “Hey, you okay?” his voice whispered on my hair and sent a chill along my skin. I shivered and he wrapped me snug in his arms again. I lay silently fuming while trying to soak in the feeling of being there with him. Maybe this was enough. It had to be, since he obviously wasn’t willing to take advantage of the situation.

  “Yeah, I guess,” I said softly, my temper cooling. “It’s just that…I hoped…maybe you felt the same way about me that I feel about you.” I felt my face get hot and was glad he couldn’t see me.

  Alex tensed. “Things are complicated. You’re only seventeen. You have to finish school. You still have college…I don’t know where either of us will be or what I’m going to do…” he exhaled, frustrated.

  “That’s kind of the point, isn’t it?” I asked, my voice chilly. “What if all we have is right now? The universe doesn’t seem like it cares about our timeline for life or where we’re all going along the way.” I thought about Levi, my dad, Alex’s leg. “I almost died today, Coop. What if tonight is all we have?”

  Alex rose up on one elbow and I rolled onto my back, staring up into the face that I’d seen change from a boy to a man, the star filled sky looming above. He swept my hair away from my face and ran a finger gently along my cheek, my jaw, and then my lips, his touch leaving a trail of tingling warmth behind. “Can’t we just take things slow? See what happens?” He smiled that Alex smile that made my heart melt and I couldn’t be mad. He was trying to be honorable—do the right thing—again. Crap!

  I gazed into his eyes, only shadows in the glowing embers of the fire. “Okay, you win,” I said reluctantly. “I’ll be patient and behave. But you have to promise me something.”

  “What kind of promise?” He smiled warily.

  “Promise me we’ll always be friends.”

  His smile faded and his eyes widened, a lost look flashing behind the deep green depths. A second later a half smile returned. “That’s an easy one,” he whispered. Alex touched a finger to my nose and followed it with a kiss so tender, I wanted to cry. “Now, go to sleep,” he said. He settled me in his arms once more and we lay there listening to each other breathe, the sounds of the night gathering around us.

  Thinking about the lost look in Alex’s eyes, I couldn’t help but wonder if my brother had asked him to make the same promise.

  Chapter 23

  The sky turned from black to a deep purple, and then the rosy pink of unripe peaches as morning dawned. A fine mist settled over my skin and in spite of the chill it brought, Alex’s arms around me and his furnace of a body next to me warmed me to my toes.

  “You awake?” he asked.

  “Yup.” I yawned and stretched, feeling his body respond to my movement. “Did you sleep?” I asked, knowing he hadn’t slept any more than I had.

  Tired eyes glanced down at me. “Not much.” He rolled away and I instantly missed his heat and the closeness we’d shared the night before. He tossed me my boots and said coolly, “We’d better get back.”

  So much for his promise to be friends. He acted like it had all been a dream. The look on his face evolved into that Marine face, and I didn’t like it one bit. “What’s your hurry? Are you anxious to face Brig and my mom?” I asked, sarcasm seeping into my voice.

  “I don’t want them to worry any longer than necessary—something you might consider.” His stern expression sent a nudge of shame through me, pricking my pride.

  “No, you’re right, of course. Let’s go.” I got up and shoved my feet into my boots and tied the laces. I grabbed the towel and followed behind Alex who acted as if he couldn’t wait to get away from me. I looked back over my shoulder. The fire was long dead, a pile of hot ash left behind on the sand.

  After we each hit the trees for a pit stop we made our way up the trail, neither of us saying much. I took the lead and felt his eyes on my back, tension running between us like a rope. What kind of bee was in his shorts this morning? I wanted to ask if I’d done something wrong, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear his answer.

  Alex mumbled under his breath and grunted a few times, the path growing steeper and winding precariously along a severe drop off, reminding me of how dangerous it would have been to attempt it in the dark. The sun broke through the trees and the air lost some of its chill. Mosquitoes began to buzz happily around my head, adding to my annoyance.

  I had bigger things to worry about than Alex’s brooding. I wasn’t looking forward to facing Mom, let alone, dealing with Brig. What had he been thinking bringing Alex camping at the same place Mom and I were staying? Had they planned this together—to get Alex and me to work things out? It seemed unlikely my mother would approve of such a plan. Despite her acceptance of his apology and her letting go of blaming him, I knew she still had reservations about us being more than friends. She reminded me every chance she got, he was ‘too old’ for me (which was ridiculous since there was only two years difference between us). I guess in terms of experience, we were worlds apart. But what really mattered between us, the undeniable connection we’d shared since we were kids, had to count for something.

  We climbed silently for almost an hour, slowed by Alex’s leg and his being unaccustomed to the new prosthesis. I heard him struggle behind me and by the time we reached the top, he was limping, his breath labored. I’d stopped offering to carry the backpack and asking if he was okay about halfway up, since it seemed to annoy him and the only answer I got was “I’m fine.”

  When we reached the campsite, my mother was already up and sitting at the picnic table, her hair a mess from running her hands through it and her face the shade of a parsnip. When she spotted me, a wave of relief rushed across her face and she ran to meet me.

  “Oh, God. Thank you, God.” She grabbed me and hugged the stuffing out of me. Maybe it would be all right. She didn’t seem too mad. She pulled back and her face went from relief to fury in a millisecond. “Where the hell were you? I have been worried sick about you! Of all the thoughtless, irresponsible…” blah, blah, blah, here it comes. She didn’t even give me a chance to breathe, let alone speak and tell her I had almost drowned and Alex had saved me. She grabbed me and hugged me again, her eyes filled with tears. “I couldn’t lose you…not after…she choked off the sentence and cried full on.

  Maybe I would just leave the near death experience part out. I hugged her back.

  “I’m okay, Mom. Alex and I just got talking and then realized it was too dark to walk back. We decided to camp on the beach and come back this mo
rning. Alex’s phone wouldn’t work…I’m fine.” She finally stopped crying, but continued to alternate hugging me and then glaring from me to Alex who had sat down at the picnic table and was stretching his leg out. He winced.

  At this point, Brig rolled out of the tent, dressed in fatigues, hiking boots, and a fishing hat loaded with lures. He approached with caution, eyeing Mom as if she was a hand grenade and he was ascertaining whether the pin was still in. He glanced at Alex. “Glad to see you two made it back in one piece. I trust you took good care of my granddaughter.”

  “Yes, sir.” The two men exchanged a look and then I noticed Alex rubbing his knee, a habit I hadn’t seen him do since he was in the hospital before the stump fully healed.

  “I think you should take your prosthesis off and let me check for pressure sores,” I said. “It couldn’t have been good for you to wear that all night with it being wet and all—and then walking two miles uphill this morning.” It was the first time I considered that his bad mood could have something to do with him being in pain. Maybe it didn’t have anything at all to do with his feelings for me. I felt instantly better…and then infinitely worse for being so stupid and self-absorbed.

  “Its fine, Jordie. Don’t make a big deal out of it.” He lowered his leg from the picnic table bench and made an effort not to cringe as he bent the knee.

  Before I had a chance to argue, my mother piped in. “I’d like to speak with you alone, Jordan. If Lee…I mean Alex,” she corrected, her cheeks flushing, “says he’s fine, let’s leave him alone to get settled in his own campsite.”

  Brig had set up two small dome tents in the site next to ours. He had a screen room over the picnic table and tarps above (and below) both tents, the upper tarps strung to the trees in such a way as to ensure rainfall would run away from the site. Compared to the pitiful mom-and-me fiasco, it was the Taj Mahal. Brig exchanged a look with me and then my mother.

  “Why don’t you ladies go get cleaned up and I’ll make us a nice breakfast?”

  “I think I should stay and help Coop with his leg.”

  “We’ll be fine here until you get back.” Brig pressed a firm hand onto Alex’s shoulder. “Maybe we can even get some fishing in this morning before the bass get filled up on flies.”

  I argued for another minute until Alex assured me he could take care of himself. His refusal of help tweaked my pride again. Why did he have to be so darn stubborn?

  It was barely seven o’clock, and Mom and I were the first to arrive at the showers—cement walled cubicles with slatted wooden benches and plastic curtains sporting as much hot water as two quarters could buy—approximately four-and-a-half minutes worth. With the characteristic hairball in the drain, I left my flip-flops on.

  “What were you thinking?” Mom called from the stall next to me, completing her lengthy lecture while she washed her hair. “And what was Brig thinking coming here with Alex?” Obviously, she was as surprised by Alex’s presence as I had been. “Not that I’m not grateful you weren’t stuck out there all alone last night, but still…”

  “I was thinking I didn’t want to fall off a cliff in the pitch dark,” I called back. The water timed out, leaving me to wipe the residual suds off with a towel. I hated camp showers. I dragged an ‘I’m an angel’ tank top over my head, slipped into clean shorts and flip flops, and wrapped my head in a towel.

  When I came out, Mom was already combing out her hair and pulling it up into a ponytail. Standing side by side staring into a foggy mirror, I hated that we looked so much alike. I mean it was good to know I might still look young and pretty in twenty years, but I couldn’t help feeling like I didn’t have anything that was truly mine—not even my identity. I was her daughter, Levi’s sister, Alex’s friend—something—I still wasn’t sure what I was to Alex.

  I left my hair down, deciding to let it dry naturally. With the humidity heavy in the air, it would take about an hour and my hair would be curling and waving like medusa, and I’d probably be forced to pull it back.

  “I hope you didn’t do anything foolish.” Mom’s voice reached my ear, calling the night before to attention. She had no idea how close I’d come to being foolish. A prick of pain pulled at my heart that Alex had pushed me away when I offered my virgin-self up to him—the jerk. I gave one last look in the mirror, scowling at my reflection.

  Maybe it was time to change my look. If I just pulled the long layers back into a clip and let some strands hang around my face…maybe a little makeup….pathetic. I sighed and let my hair fall.

  “Blah…blah…you have your whole future ahead of you. I don’t want you making a choice that will put an end to all of it.” Mom’s voice sounded like a bee buzzing in my head. I raked a brush through my hair and grabbed my bag, tired of listening to her reprimanding tone. I wondered if all mothers had the ability to make every question sound like an accusation meant to make you feel stupid.

  “Alex was a complete gentleman, Mom. Nothing happened, so stop freaking out. I’m sorry I worried you, okay?”

  She didn’t let up.

  “Couldn’t you have planned your time better? Honestly, Jordan. I didn’t sleep a wink. Even after Brig said he knew exactly where you were and that you were safe. If I didn’t trust him so completely, I would have had the police and the FBI out searching the park.”

  We walked up the road toward the campsite. “How did Brig know where we were? I know he saw Alex follow me, but how did he know for sure everything was okay?”

  “How does Brig know anything?” Mom shrugged and sent me a look that said, ‘Don’t ask’. “When it comes to bad situations, he always seems to have a handle on things.” As we approached the miniature tent city we’d created, I smelled coffee and bacon and my stomach growled in response. One of these days I would ask Brig all of the questions I’d held back. I tossed my bag in the tent. At least Mom had packed the air mattress. Maybe I’d get a better night’s sleep tonight. I shook off the fatigue and zoned in on the smell of coffee.

  “Jordan.”

  I turned back. “What now?” My patience was wearing thin. I had a lot on my mind and I was in no mood to be grilled all day by my mother.

  She dropped the subject and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “I’m just glad you’re back safe.” I let her kiss my cheek and then she released me.

  I didn’t think she’d done that since before Levi had died. An indescribable ache washed over me—the stark awareness that Levi’s death had changed us both forever. I felt my mother’s grief like a pulsing dark spirit that hung around her, making her eyes perpetually sad. Another wave of guilt surged up inside me. Why did I have to be such a jerk? Mom did not need to be left wondering whether I was dead or alive all night, no matter what the reason I had let it happen.

  The burden of her guilt over what had happened to my brother as a child suddenly became clear to me. My mother had suffered every parent’s worst nightmare. First, not being able to protect your children from monsters who would scar them forever, and then losing them before they even reached adulthood. She had done the best she could and it wasn’t enough. I knew in that instant that it was a wound that would never close up completely, and my heart swelled with compassion. Maybe forgiving her wouldn’t be as hard as I thought.

  I gave her a tight squeeze. “Mom, I’m okay. Nothing bad happened. Alex was with me. And you know I can take care of myself. Have a little faith in me, okay?” I thought about what it would have done to her if I had died yesterday and wondered if I should tell her just how much she owed Alex. Instead, I kissed her cheek and gave her a teasing smile. “You won’t be able to watch over me every minute once I leave for college.”

  My stomach soured at the thought. What was I going to do about Alex? I had no idea. But at that moment, all I could think about was staring at him over a hearty breakfast and remembering what it felt like to be wrapped in his arms.

  Chapter 24

  Brig and Alex had their heads together when Mom and I popped into the screen room
. Alex’s prosthesis leaned against the picnic table and my heart dropped. Crap. I knew before I saw what they were looking at, what I would find. My mother wasn’t so fortunate.

  “Ohhh,” she gasped, raising her hand to cover the sound. Her eyes went wide and her face drained.

  Alex draped a towel over the stump where several blisters oozed a blood tinged pink fluid. “I’m sorry, ma’am. This isn’t the place…I’ll go in the tent…” he glanced from me to my mother, clearly mortified by her response.

  “No. It’s fine,” Brig said. He glared at my mother and shook his head. “You stay right there and fix up your leg, son. Katherine can work on scrambling some eggs.” The Coleman camp stove was set up on a small table in the corner of the screen room. He turned his attention back to Alex. “Jordan and I can help you get patched up.”

  My mother stared for a second longer, her breath steadying and her color returning. “Don’t you think you should see a doctor, Alex?”

  “You’re probably right, ma’am, but this is the only leg I brought with me and I don’t have my crutches. I figured I’d be hanging out fishing all weekend. I hadn’t planned for the hiking.” Alex pressed the towel harder around the stump to stop the oozing and keep the swelling down. He glanced up at my mother again. “I’m really sorry about this, ma’am.”

  “Please, don’t apologize.” They exchanged a long look, my mother’s eyes tearing up. “I’m the one who’s sorry…” she looked away and cleared her throat. “Let me get started on breakfast.” She rounded the table and turned her back to us.