Starving For Vengeance

by Debra Kayn

  His gaze intensified. The mix of sensations returned, tormenting her body. She rolled her shoulders back, trying to make sense of why he seemed confused over her question. Logically, he was Bantorus, but with all the new information she was learning, she needed to know if he could let his thirst to hunt down each member of Los Li go. Would he go to Mexico next? Would he ever settle?

  "I've said I'm staying. So, I'm staying." He lifted her to her feet and stood. "We need to get you out of the sun or you'll burn."

  Just like that, he'd left the conversation. Like so many times before, he shut down and kept her out of what he was feeling and thinking. He'd witnessed a brutal murder last night. He probably knew her uncle better than she did the last several years. He was grieving, and yet he put her first and saw to her comfort.

  She lost her only blood relative who raised her. He lost his supervisor who supported him in his quest to bring down Los Li, who'd tormented his family for more years than she lived with Uncle Ted. God, how could she not see what he was hiding?

  His pain was no less than hers was, if not more, because he spent a lifetime starving for vengeance. He'd lived through so much. Instead of taking the time to mourn, cry, and get pissed off at the world, he spent his days and nights comforting her.

  "Lee?" That was the only warning she gave him.

  She dove for him, gluing herself to his chest, holding him tight. His body went rock hard and he held himself back. She squeezed him tighter. Not because he continued to stay strong for her sake, but because he remained unemotional, guarded, and continued to protect himself. It wasn't his pulling away from her that ripped her heart out. It was the fact that he had to protect himself. What could he have possibly lived through that would cause him to believe no one could help him.

  No matter what he did in his life, he remained a man who had never given himself to another person. He relied only on himself. He gave bits to his family, his club, and to her, and even in the darkest times—and she was positive this wasn't the only one he'd lived through—he kept everything inside of him.

  She lifted her head, gazed into his eyes, and said, "Let me make love to you."

  His chest expanded. "Doll, we're standing on river rock, the sun's scorching my shoulders, and if you don't notice, Interstate 90 is on the other side of the river and those truckers would slam on their brakes at the sight of your white ass riding me."

  "Are you telling me no?" She kissed the underside of his jaw.

  His Adam's apple bobbed. "Fuck, no."

  "Good answer." She took his hand and led him to the truck they'd parked off the road, underneath the branches of a tree. "Look, no traffic, no sun, no river rock."

  He put down the tailgate, lifted her up, and planted her butt on the back of the truck. "You want to tell me what this is all about?"

  "What do you mean?" She kicked off her sneakers and then pulled him between her legs hanging off the truck. "I want to be with you."

  "That's good to know, doll." He stopped, because she peeled his vest off and laid it on the bed of the truck. "What I'm questioning is why now?"

  His eyes, aroused and warm, belied his questions saying otherwise. She reached down, cupped the front of his jeans, and found him hard, hot, and throbbing. "Because you want me, and I'm grateful that you always want me. Now, we can talk more about how I want to give this moment to you or I could do something with this—she squeezed—and if I get to have a vote in this discussion, I don't want to talk anymore."

  "Strip," he said, taking off his belt and undoing his jeans.

  She crawled back from the edge of the tailgate, hopped to her feet, and stood. From her view above him, she shimmied out of her clothes and then took his jeans and shirt he'd placed on the tailgate and laid them out on the bed of the pickup.

  She stuck out her hand. "Jump up."

  He grinned, ignored the offer of help, and scaled the tailgate in one smooth move. She pushed him down on his back and straddled his hips. Naked, big, hard, he lay underneath her. Her hands went to his cock, and she stroked him.

  He lifted his hands and cupped her breasts. Her stomach fluttered and she gazed into his eyes. She should've known this wouldn't be about her making love to him. As with anything he did, he led and she was a slut for his touch.

  Lee growled as her nipples hardened. Her heart pounded furiously against her ribs. She shifted and raised her bottom, sliding down onto his cock. Wet and more than ready, her entire body shuddered at the fullness.

  His hands, a little rougher and more jerky than normal, squeezed her breasts. Her nipples, caught between his fingers, and her back arched, loving the added pressure.

  Leaning over, she slid up, down, and up, and captured his mouth. His hands landed on her ass, guiding her. The warm breeze tickled her bare skin. She no longer paid attention to being outside where anyone could drive up and see them. She sucked on his tongue, moved her hips, grinding against him. Her movements grew erratic, and she could no longer think how she set out to pleasing him. She also could no longer tell herself that what they had together was a fling, an agreement to enjoy each other while they were together.

  She loved him. Even more, she'd come to depend on him, and that wasn't fair to either one of them.

  Lee pulled his mouth back, grabbed her head, and said, "That's it, doll. Let it go."

  Her body, on the edge of something wonderful, listened to his words. Her mind, played over his request, and took it to heart. Lee gave and gave to her, while holding back everything she craved. Blind to what kind of man he'd become, he focused on the failures, the mistakes, and the choices he'd made. He needed time to heal without her being a constant reminder of her uncle's death and the memories of an enemy that sucked so much life out of his spirit.

  His pelvis lifted, dipped, and she matched his rhythm. Her clit vibrated on the brink, and she rubbed against him on every down thrust of her sex. "Oh, God."

  He bent his legs, lifting his middle, and gave her more of him. That was it.

  Her entire body sprang into an orgasm and shuddered with a strength that left her gasping for breath, crying out in heartache, and hurting for what she had to do for both of them to heal.

  Lee plunged inside of her, pulling her down on his hardness. His eyes stared into hers and peace came over him for several seconds as he grunted his pleasure. Tears slid down her face. Not from sadness, because in this state, this moment, this position, Lee was beautiful and content with himself.

  She'd given him that.

  His dazed, hooded eyes closed for a moment and he sighed, his arms held her on top of him. She went to him willingly, barely holding on, and knowing it could be the last time they were together.

  She had to bury her uncle.

  She had to find herself.

  She had to love Lee enough to let him find the serenity he needed.

  She had to say goodbye.

  Chapter Twenty Five

  Lee removed his helmet and exited his motorcycle after escorting the crew from the militia out of town. He spotted Kurt leaving the warehouse, and jogged up the stairs, swung through the gate, and walked over to his brother.

  Kurt slowed down. "Problem?"

  "No." He fell into step beside him. "I've been meaning to talk with you the last couple of days, but with everything going on, and trying to pull my weight on getting that order of guns out of here, I haven't had a chance."

  "Everything okay with Shari?" Kurt stopped outside the backdoor of the club.

  "She's...hanging in there, taking care of everyone else and ignoring that she's mourning her uncle." Lee crossed his arms over his chest. "She's closed up on me."

  "What do you mean?"

  Lee shrugged. "She's talking and answering me. She's sleeping in my fucking small bed. She's going through the motions, but I can't explain it...she's shut down."

  "Bro, she's just lost the man who raised her," Kurt said.

  "I know that." The tension in Lee's neck returned. "I also know what's best for her, and I
'm not going anywhere. I'll be here for her."

  "Never thought you would leave," Kurt said. "So, why are you standing out here, bull shitting with me, when you should be in there, talking to her?"

  Lee grinned. "Not bullshitting you, bro."

  "You're talking," Kurt muttered.

  Lee unfolded his arms, punched his brother in the shoulder. "You're listening."

  It was an old argument they'd had more times than he could count. Kurt would tell him to shut up, and Lee would refuse.

  "It's getting late, and I'd like to take my old lady and go have supper, so if you have nothing more to say, I'm going—"

  "I'm claiming Shari," Lee interrupted, and once he got the words out, he was ready to go talk to Shari.

  Kurt smiled. "Took you long enough."

  "I had a few things come up, like taking down part of the Mexican mafia," he said, frowning. "Do you think she's ready?"

  Kurt put his hand on the doorknob and waited to open the door. "Does it matter? Cause if you're questioning your own motives, maybe you're not the one who is ready."

  "I'm ready," he said.

  Kurt looked at him hard and walked into the clubhouse. Lee remained outside. He'd promised Tango he'd claim Shari after taking Los Li down. She needed him. He needed her. They'd become closer than he thought possible in a short amount of time, but Kurt stamped Risa right from the start. Same thing happened with Rain, Torque, and even Remmy. They all recognized their woman from the start and claimed them right away.

  He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Shari. She calmed him. More importantly, she seemed to accept him despite keeping his past from her. The last couple of days about killed him, and he'd never felt so helpless. He wanted to do more for her and take away her pain. All he could do was stay with her, so when she needed him, he was there.

  He'd never leave.

  Opening the door to the club, he walked down the hallway and entered the main room. He scanned the area for Shari and found her wiping off one of the tables, listening to Monica and Lilly talk. A sweet ache settled in his chest. She fit into club life better than many of the other girls.

  Her nurturing personality and easygoing attitude soothed the bikers and kept the bitches in line. She brought balance to the club, and to him. Despite the shit that went down, he found himself more attuned and calm when she was near him. He wanted to be that kind of person for her in return.

  He strolled into the room and approached Shari. She spotted him and straightened, tossing the towel to the table.

  "Hey," she said. "You're done early."

  He leaned in, inhaled her sweet scent, and nuzzled her nose. She turned her face away, cutting the kiss short. Yesterday and today, she remained detached, but that was to be expected. She had no experience the way he did with pushing pain deeper until the numbness hid the hurt. She'd have to work her way out of mourning on her own time.

  She pulled back. He hooked her waist, bringing her back to him. "Hang on a second."

  "What's going on?"

  He led her to the side of the room where no one could overhear him. There was one thing he could do for her. "It's time."

  "Time for what?" She glanced over at the lit neon clock hanging on the far wall.

  "Us. You. Me." He pressed his hand into her lower back. "I want you on the back of my bike. Today, doll."

  "Lee..." She caught her lip underneath her front teeth.

  "I gave you all the time I had. I'm not waiting any longer. You got shit to deal with, you can deal with it as my woman. If that doesn't work, I'll help you deal." Lee bent his knees and looked her in the eye. "Your uncle knew I was going to claim you. I promised him I'd wait until after we brought down Los Li. They're in custody. It's time for us."

  Her body sagged, and she dropped her gaze. Despite telling her he'd wait, he waited, because something was wrong. She was supposed to jump in his arms or run outside to his Harley. What wasn't supposed to happen was her not answering him."

  "Talk to me," he said.

  Tears welled up in Shari's eyes. An ache deep in his throat pulsed. She wasn't feeling him. Hell, she was somewhere else inside her head and not understanding what he wanted for them.

  "Lee...I'm leaving in a couple hours. I have a flight out of Spokane to take me back to California to deal with...the ashes. I talked with an agent at the bureau this morning while you were at the warehouse and he helped me schedule everything," she said.

  "When were you going to tell me?" he asked.

  "Today. When you were done working." She inhaled deeply and continued. "Remmy and Natalie are going to give me a ride to the airport. I'll be back in California before eight tonight."

  He hooked her neck, keeping her close. "Okay. Let me check in with Kurt, and I'll call and see if there's a seat open on the flight. I'll—"

  "No." She grabbed onto his wrist, removed his hand, and held it to her chest. "I need to do this alone, Lee."

  Her rigid posture, her fingers continually touching his hand, her rapid heart rate under his palm said more than what she was telling him. His mind raced. He could follow her on his bike. Bantorus could take the run to Arizona without him. One of his MC brothers could take over his spot in the warehouse.

  She let go of him. His skin crawled, and he wanted her hands back on him.

  "What are you saying?" he asked.

  "I didn't want to do this here," she whispered.

  "Do what?" he said, his voice louder. "What the fuck are you talking about? I've been with you constantly the last several days. I leave you for a few hours this morning, and I come back and you're telling me you're leaving Federal. You're leaving me."

  She laid her hands on his chest. "Please, listen to me and don't get mad."

  "Mad? I'm pissed." He walked a few feet away, clamped his teeth together, and checked himself.

  Kurt stood in the archway to the hallway, looking at him. Lee stared back, shook his head, and watched his brother walk out of sight. He hadn't needed anyone's help in forever. He wasn't going to start depending on someone else now.

  He returned to Shari. She'd moved and put a chair between them. He gazed at her hands, white knuckled on the back of the chair. She kept putting distance between them. He shook his head, not believing what was going on.

  He was good enough to fuck, but when it came down to Shari becoming his old lady, she refused. He sucked air through his clenched teeth. He finally understood, and when he got it, the truth hit him below the belt.

  She was scared of him.

  "Talk to me," he said.

  She swallowed, dipping her chin. "I need space to understand what happened the last five years and time to find myself again. I had a life in California, an apartment, a decent job, and I left it all behind."

  He continued looking at her. She was lying to him.

  "Agent Brown said Uncle Ted had all the arrangements made in case...well, his house is in my name and is vacant. I need to go home, and organize my life."

  Every breath burned his lungs. He'd never be ready to say goodbye to her.

  "I'll call you when I get there," she said. "We can talk."

  "Talk?"

  She nodded. "You need time, too."

  He folded his arms in front of him. "And what the hell would I need time for?"

  Her gaze remained steady and she whispered, "You've lived one way since going out on your own. Now you're a lifer."

  "I've always been a lifer, doll. I was born Bantorus. You're bleeding me dry right now, and going to see how much I'm a Bantorus any minute," he said through gritted teeth.

  "Lee, you need to take time for yourself, your family, and—"

  "Jesus Christ," he muttered. "Seriously?"

  "You need to find peace," she said, patting her chest. "In here."

  Unbelievable. He fucking wanted her to stay. He'd promised never to leave, and instead she was going to take away the best thing he'd ever had in his life.

  "I've made choices in my life that I've dealt wi
th. It's all behind me. Now, you're standing here making me answer to my past? Well, doll, you'll never get any answers. I am who I am, and I wanted to give you everything I possess," he said.

  "Lee..." She stepped around the chair and stopped before she reached him. "I just...I can't stay."

  "You won't," he said. "Because you can, and I've been right there with you proving I can too."

  She blinked the moisture out of her eyes. He curled his hands. He'd never force her to stay. If she had a problem with what he'd done and who he was, then it was on her back.

  "Get this, doll." He lowered his voice. "You think you need to find yourself, then go and do what you have to do. Just know that I'm not the one walking away. I'm not the one leaving you. I would never willingly walk away from us."

  Her chin dropped to her chest. He remained where he was, refusing to go against his promise.

  She swiped the tears from her cheeks. He shoved his hands in his front pockets, because the urge to soak up the moisture with his thumb and feel the tears he wanted to shed killed him. Without even trying, he'd caused her more pain. This time, he didn't know how to make the hurt stop.

  Shari walked up to him, stood on her toes, and kissed him lightly on the lips. Then she nuzzled him, and he closed his eyes, inhaling deeply, trying to keep her scent and in return, keep her with him.

  "I'm sorry," she whispered, before turning and walking away.

  He continued to stand where she left him. Hollow, and unable to breathe. She'd taken all he had to give and ran away. All he could do was watch her walk out of his life.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Half past two in the morning, the shadow of the large oak tree in the front yard danced on the blank living room wall in Uncle Ted's house. Shari shifted on the carpeted floor and pulled the blanket tighter around her. She'd tried to fall asleep the past five nights conjuring depressing and lonely images out of those shadows, which only kept her wide awake.

  Last Monday, Agent Brown had met her at the airport and taken her straight to Uncle Ted's house.

  To an empty house.

  To a lonely and depressed home.

  Uncle Ted's clothes, his possessions, even the picture of her parents he'd kept on the mantel for her to look at growing up were gone and destroyed, thanks to the federal government. Nothing remained from her childhood spent laughing and playing within the four bedrooms with her uncle. Even the small koi pond in the backyard had dried up.