2d6 (Caverns and Creatures)
Page 12
“Of course,” agreed Dave. “Much more efficient.”
“Beats the shit out of studying,” said Cooper.
Julian looked at Diamond. “Convinced?”
“I only agreed to this out of curiosity about you and your strange friends,” said Diamond. “This is time I’m allowing myself to waste. I never believed for a second that throwing rocks at the tarrasque was going to advance my academic career.”
“Who’s the tarrasque?” asked Julian.
Diamond looked at him skeptically. “Is that a serious question?”
“Of course not,” Julian lied. “Does that mean you’re willing to give it a try?”
“I’m willing to watch whatever crazy show you have in store for me.”
“That begs the question,” said Tim, swaying on his feet. “What crazy show do you have in store for her?”
“I was thinking about that little cave we ran across yesterday,” said Julian.
“The one with the giant spiders crawling around outside of it?” said Dave. “Didn’t you use your stupid Diplomacy skill specifically to keep us from going in there?”
“I’ve had a change of heart.”
“It’s amazing what hormones can do.”
“What did you call me, runt?” said Diamond, dropping Lucifer and drawing a dagger from her left sleeve. The handle was marbled red and black. A pair of entwined serpents was etched along the center of the blade. Lucifer’s fur bristled as he hissed at Dave.
“Whoa!” said Julian. “He didn’t mean it like that.”
“How many ways could he mean it?” Diamond snapped back at him. Then to Dave, “Don’t think I won’t willingly die defending my honor. And if it comes to that, I promise I’ll take you into the Abyss with me, dwarf.”
“Seriously, Dave,” said Cooper. “That was uncalled for. What’s gotten into you?”
Dave stood, mouth agape.
“Hormones!” said Julian, trying to crank up the Diplomacy. “One word. They’re chemicals in our bodies that regulate our growth and influence our motivations.”
Diamond tucked the dagger back into sleeve. “I’ll take you at your word this time, only because I haven’t understood a single thing you’ve been talking about since I met you. Just keep the dwarf away from me. He gives me the creeps.”
“I don’t know that I’m in any condition to go spider hunting,” said Tim. “I’m a little wasted.”
“Well who told you to start drinking so early in the day?” said Julian. “Did you even get the trigger mechanism on your crossbow fixed?”
Tim grabbed his crossbow from off his back and frowned at it. “Umm… no. I forgot to do that.”
“That’s the whole reason we walked all the way to the city center!”
“We got distracted,” said Cooper. “We ran into a booze stall while we were looking for a weapon repair shop.”
“Here,” said Diamond. “Let me see it.”
Tim handed over his crossbow. Diamond held it close to her face, and squinted into the trigger area. She pulled out her dagger. After a few pokes, prods, clicks, and twists, she successfully cocked and released the weapon.
“Good as new,” she said, handing it back to Tim.
“Impressive,” said Julian.
“I’m an only child,” said Diamond. “It was important to my father that I know how to handle a variety of weapons.” She looked down at Tim. “You really should take better care of that. The time you’re most likely to discover it doesn’t work is likely the time you most need it.”
“Wise words,” said Julian.
“My father’s,” said Diamond. “Now who’s up for this great spider hunt? If we don’t get started soon, I’m going to go back to studying.”
“Okay,” said Julian. “Let’s go. Time to sober up, Tim.”
Tim took a swig from his bottle. “Fuck it. I’ll take my chances.”
Half an hour later, they were beyond the protection of the city walls, headed northwest, away from the main road, across the grassy expanse between road and woodland.
“Stay low,” Julian whispered to Diamond. “There may be owlbears out here.”
“I’ll fear no owlbear in the company of such brave men.”
“I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic.”
“She is,” said Dave.
“Just keep your distance, dwarf,” said Diamond, any trace of mirth now gone from her voice. “And if you keep staring at my bottom, you’ll find yourself minus an eye.”
Dave’s face turned red. “It’s not my fault,” he said. “I’m slower than you are, and I’m short.”
The top of Tim’s head appeared over the top of the tall grass. He was jumping, but not as high as he wanted to. “Are we almost to the trees?” he said. “I’ve got to piss.”
“Just piss in the grass,” said Cooper. “That’s what I’ve been doing.”
“I know,” said Tim. “I’ve been stepping in it, asshole.”
“Keep it down, guys,” said Julian. “We’re almost there.”
When they finally did arrive at the tree line, Julian was relieved. The grasslands may be generally safer than the forest, and it was certainly easier to spot larger predators from farther away. But there could have been smaller, yet just as deadly, creatures lurking mere feet away crouching in wait, and he’d have been none the wiser until they made their move.
While Tim saturated the stump of a felled oak, Cooper rubbed his ass against the trunk of another, leaving behind a crumbly streak of green and brown. Somewhere, a druid was crying.
“Ravenus?” Julian called out as loudly as he dared.
“Up here, sir,” said Ravenus, perched on a branch of the tree Cooper was busy defiling.
“What are you doing?” asked Julian. “You were supposed to be scouting the area.”
“There’s not much to scout, sir,” said Ravenus. “The whole area is quiet. Unnaturally so, if I may offer my opinion.”
Julian concentrated. Ravenus was right. Outside of the waning trickle of Tim’s urine and the scratching of Cooper’s leathery ass against bark, the place was silent. No tittering birds. No chirping crickets. No chattering squirrels. “What do you suppose –”
“There!” said Diamond, reaching into her sleeve.
Julian whirled around just in time to spot a nondescript pile of underbrush before Diamond threw her dagger into it. Much to Julian’s surprise, the pile of sticks and leaves shrieked and stood upright. It had a reptilian face and hateful red eyes.
“Kobolds!” said Dave.
An instant later, a dozen or more bowstrings twanged from every direction.
“Ow!” said Cooper. His torso was peppered with arrows. “That hurts, you little shitbags!”
Dave touched Cooper’s elbow. “I heal thee.”
Cooper let out a long, soft fart that sounded like a weak outboard motor while most of the arrows fell out of his body.
The kobold Diamond had hit with her dagger called out two sharp barks and a yelp. Based on his comrades’ reactions, Julian guessed the order was Chihuahuan for ‘retreat’. They fanned out in different directions.
Cooper started to run after one kobold while Dave charged after a different one in the opposite direction.
“What’s going on?” asked Tim, unstoppering a fresh bottle of booze. “Where the fuck is everybody going?”
“Stop!” shouted Diamond. She spoke with such presence that Cooper and Dave stopped dead in their tracks. Even one of the kobolds paused long enough for Julian to shoot him in the face.
“Have some,” said Julian as the confused reptile collapsed to the ground. He looked to see if Diamond had seen the shot. She hadn’t. She was busy shouting at Cooper.
“Don’t split the party,” said Diamond. “They’ll only regroup and hunt you individually. Go after the leader!”
“Holy shit!” said Tim. “Kobolds!” He raised his crossbow and pulled the trigger. His bolt lodged into the trunk of a nearby tree about eight feet from the gr
ound and not even close to any kobolds. “Fuck.”
Diamond took off after the kobold she had hit with her dagger. Julian and Dave followed, and it wasn’t long before Julian heard Cooper stomping through the brush, hot on his heels. He cast a glance behind him and was relieved to see that Cooper had Tim tucked under his arm like a football.
They almost all piled into each other when they caught up with Diamond. She was just standing there, hands on her hips, her head turning right, then left, then right again.
“What happened?” asked Julian. “Where’d he go?”
“He just disappeared,” said Diamond.
“Did you see him disappear?” asked Julian. “Could it have been a spell?”
“I don’t think so. He was in too much of a hurry to be casting spells. I lost sight of him for a second, and then he was gone. He’s around here somewhere.”
Julian looked up into the treetops. He supposed a creature that small would be able to hide in the foliage, but it was unlikely it would have been able to climb that high without being seen.
“Maybe we should just let them go,” said Dave.
“They tried to kill your friend,” said Diamond.
“Don’t worry about me,” said Cooper. “It’s cool.” He set Tim down and plucked an arrow out of his chest.
“The leader still has my dagger,” said Diamond.
“We can get you another dagger,” offered Dave.
“That one was special.”
Dave chuckled. “How special could it be? It didn’t even kill a kobold.”
Diamond glared down at Dave so severely that it might have killed a kobold. “My father gave me that dagger.”
Dave lowered his head. “I’m just going to shut up now.”
Tim staggered into the tense air between Dave and Diamond. “You guys are going about this all wrong. You’ve got to look at it logically.” He walked aimlessly as he talked, constantly changing directions, as if moving was the only thing keeping him from falling over. He finally steadied himself against a tree with one hand and waved his bottle around with the other as he continued. “This is the time to apply Occam’s Razor.”
“You have a magical blade?” Diamond sounded skeptical.
“It’s not a weapon,” said Tim. “It’s a principal of logic. When you have… give me a minute, I’m a little wasted.” He bit his lower lip. “Okay, I’ve got it. Let’s say you have two entities, and –”
Cooper snorted. Everyone looked at him.
“What?” said Cooper. “He said titties.”
“Ha!” said Diamond, her face lighting up. “I suppose he did.”
Dave scrunched up his face and punched a tree trunk.
“If you halfwits would shut up for a minute,” said Tim, staggering away from his tree, toward a spot of slightly elevated ground to sit down on. “I’ll solve your little – FUCK!” A rectangular panel of earth gave way beneath his ass, and he fell into a concealed hole.
The fake ground was mounted on an axle at its center, and the whole thing swung around like a giant garbage can lid to reveal an identical display on the opposite side. Settling into place, it was nearly indistinguishable from the natural forest floor surrounding it.
“Well I’ll be damned,” said Cooper. “Is that how a rogue’s Trapfinding ability works?”
“Seems counterproductive if you ask me,” said Julian.
Dave poked the head of his mace at the trap door, opening it just a crack. It was dark inside. “Tim?” he called.
“Yeah?” Tim called back.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“’Cause you just fell in a pit.”
“Oh, right,” said Tim. “It’s cool. There’s a safety net or something. I can’t tell. It’s dark down here. I can’t find my beer.”
“You’ve probably had enough for now anyway.”
“Screw you!”
“Okay,” said Dave. “Just hang on a bit. We’re going to figure out a way to get you out of there.” He removed his mace, and the gap closed. “What do you think?” he said to the rest of the party.
“Throw him a rope?” suggested Julian.
“Tim's got the rope.”
“Fuck it,” said Cooper. “Let's just jump in after him. What's the worst that could happen?”
“Do I seriously have to answer that question?” said Julian.
“You heard him,” said Cooper. “He said there's a safety net.”
“That doesn't strike you as odd?” said Dave. “I mean, who puts a safety net at the bottom of a pit trap? Doesn't that entirely defeat the purpose of leaving a trap in the first place?”
“You think too much,” said Cooper. “There are times for thinking, and there are times for action.”
Dave rubbed the leopard fur on his wrist. “Well I think this certainly qualifies as a time for –”
“Action,” said Cooper, shoving Dave into the pit.
“Shiiiiiiit!” said Dave, disappearing into the hole.
“That was a dick move, Cooper,” said Julian. “Even for you.”
“I was just having some fun with him,” said Cooper. “We were all going to jump in sooner or later. It's not like we had a whole lot of choice. We weren't just going to leave Tim down there and go hit the pub, were we?”
“There are always options.”
“Like what?”
“We could have sent Ravenus down to bring back one end of Tim's rope.”
Cooper stroked his fat, leathery neck. “That's a good idea. You should have brought it up before I –”
A screeching, howling roar reverberated through the forest, like Satan had just stepped on a Lego.
“What was that?” asked Dave.
“Owlbears,” said Diamond.
“Dammit,” said Julian.
“They’ve caught our scent,” said Diamond. “Whatever options there were are gone now. We have to jump in.”
“I told you,” said Cooper.
“But there could be anything down there,” Julian protested.
Diamond hugged Lucifer close to her chest. “Between anything and owlbears, I’ll choose anything.” She jumped into the pit.
“That was irresponsible reasoning,” said Julian.
Another piercing scream-roar shook the air. This one was closer than before.
“Have fun with the owlbears, fucker,” said Cooper, and cannonballed through the revolving trap door.
“Well, shit,” Julian said to Ravenus, the only one there left to listen. “You coming?” He held the trap door open with his quarterstaff, just wide enough for Ravenus to get through. The bird dove through the gap and into the darkness.
Julian was nudging the trap door with his foot, trying to muster up the courage to jump into some strange abyss, when an owlbear crashed into view. It might have been the adrenaline talking, but the beast looked to be as big as a house, with a beak like the sharpened hood of a Volkswagen Beetle. When its eyes met his, he suddenly found he had the courage to run away. He jumped into the hole.
The drop was a little longer than Julian had been anticipating. It was just long enough for him to have time to wonder if he had missed the alleged safety net before he finally connected with it.
His impact made a reverberating ripple in the rest of the net, on which he could get a sense of where everyone else was around him without actually being able to see them. A slow and steady wave met him from beyond his feet. A dull moan came from the same direction. Dave. A lighter, but more rapid, pulse came from his left, accompanied by the sound of vomiting. Tim. A solid presence was somewhere above him, conspicuous due to its relative lack of movement. The dense mass was laughing. Cooper. A final mass, proportional to his own, was see-sawing with him in a steady rhythm. It asked “Are you okay?” Diamond.
“I’m fine,” said Julian. “Just getting my bearings is all.” Despite the constant waving of the net, Julian managed to sit upright. It was a little more challenging still because his clothes and skin
stuck to the fabric. “Ew… why’s it sticky?”
“Oh good,” said Cooper. “You feel that too? I thought it was just my skin.”
“I still can’t find my bottle,” said Tim. “How about some light, Julian?”
Julian pulled a copper coin out of his belt pouch and cupped it between his hands. “Light.” When he uncovered the coin, his immediate surroundings were bathed in soft, golden light. They were in a roughly spherical earthen-walled chamber. The net they were all sitting on bisected the chamber horizontally. While it appeared to have been put there for the unlikely purpose of safety for those who fell victim of the trap above, it did not appear to be man-made. It was a dense and haphazard weave of sticky, silky strands of… something. It was stronger than it looked, too. The whole net was paper thin, but supported all of their weight easily. Fingering a few strands of it, Julian guessed he’d have a hard time ripping through it if he wanted to.
Movement in the shadows just beyond the radius of his Light spell caught his attention.
“What was that?” he whispered.
“Um,” said Dave as the shadows moved in closer, taking more definite forms. There were dozens of them. “You know those spiders we were hunting? I think we found them.”
The spiders closed in, forming a perimeter around the group. They ranged in size from Dave to Cooper, either venom or saliva dripping from their fangs. Neither boded well for Julian and his friends.
“We are so fucked,” said Dave.
Even a straight fight on solid ground would have been nigh-impossible to win. There were just too many of them, and they were so big. And here they were on the spiders’ turf, where those eight-legged fuckers could move about like Fred Astaire, but he and his friends would struggle to crawl. Julian hated to admit it, but Dave had made what he felt was an astute observation.
Interestingly enough, the spiders didn’t close in and devour them all. Not just then, at least. They kept a safe distance while chattering to each other in their spider language. The biggest one stood tall on its exoskeletal legs and scurried through the crowd into the darkness beyond the Light spell.
“Hello,” said Julian to the nearest spider. He spoke slowly and loudly. “We mean you no harm. We are sorry for invading your home. We would just like to leave.”