2d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  The spider opened its giant mandibles and hissed at him.

  “Do you have magic to speak with spiders?” asked Diamond.

  “No,” said Julian.

  “Then what good do you think you’re going to accomplish?”

  “I don’t know. It’s better than nothing, right?”

  “I’m not so sure that it was.”

  The spider chatter rose steadily in volume and pitch until it stopped abruptly. The spiders in Cooper's direction parted to form an empty lane on the massive web. The large spider which had scurried away now returned. It was not alone. Behind it were two even larger creatures. They, too, walked on arachnid legs, but their torsos and heads were like those of elves, only black.

  The male stood tall and proud, white braids hanging down from either side of his black, angular face. White ink tattoos of bladed weapons ran the length of each muscular arm and across his broad chest. The female wore her hair in a short flapper bob. The cleavage of her pert black breasts was barely contained by a corset that looked to be woven of spider silk.

  “Driders,” said Dave. His voice was less than enthusiastic.

  “What are driders?” asked Julian.

  “Half drow, half spider,” said Dave.

  “Drow?” said Julian. “Oh wait, I remember. Those were the black people, right?”

  “Dark elves.”

  “Is that like the game equivalent of African American?”

  “No, it's –”:

  “Silence!” said the male drider.

  Julian and Dave ceased their discussion at once.

  The male drider grinned, showing off a mouthful of shiny white teeth which matched his pupil-less eyes. “You have done well, my pet,” he said, patting the giant spider at his side. “You shall be rewarded.” He turned to the female drider. “The Dark Goddess smiles upon us this day, my bride. We needn't make do with a single measly Kobold after all.”

  “That kobold,” said Julian. “Was it carrying a dagger? Because –”

  “Silence!” the male drider roared. He elevated his body on his great spider legs until he was able to curve his abdomen underneath them. From the rear tip of his abdomen, he squirted a sticky white fluid at Julian, covering him from shoulder to knee.

  “Hey!” said Julian, earning him another squirt. He found he was unable to move his arms away from the sides of his body. His legs were likewise stuck together. The substance began to crystallize into strands similar to the ones which made up the web they were all standing on.

  “Dude,” said Cooper. “Did you just jizz on my friend? That's not cool, man.”

  “You will mind your tongue, foul creature!” said the female drider. She sprayed a coating of web at Cooper.

  “Fucking hell, man,” said Cooper, struggling to tear through the fluid before it crystallized. “Your missus packs quite a load as well. I totally didn't see that coming.”

  Both driders focused their spray on Cooper, and he was soon overwhelmed in a thick, white cocoon, completely covered except for his head.

  “This is so humiliating,” Cooper groaned. “I feel like a Japanese secretary.” He wriggled around on the web like a giant maggot.

  The rest of the group were barely able to stand up on the web, much less defend themselves. One by one, the driders coated them all in individual cocoons.

  After they were all helplessly squirming on the web, the giant spiders grouped themselves into teams, squirted a bit more web onto each of their feet, and started dragging them out of the chamber.

  “Reginald,” said the female drider. “Can't we just eat the little one now? It's been so long since we've had proper mammal. I grow so weary of kobold flesh.”

  The male drider, Reginald, looked back at his wife sympathetically, but shook his head. “When the Dark Goddess bestows such gifts upon us, it is unwise not to make the most of them. The kobold who preceded this group is not like to survive the night. If we eat the halfling now, the kobold meat runs the risk of spoiling. We shall dine on kobold tonight. We can have the halfing tomorrow, dear Lidia.”

  Lidia lowered her head, pouting.

  Reginald placed his index finger under Lidia's chin and lifted her head until their eyes met. He was smiling. “I know a certain someone who has a birthday next week,” he said. “I can't think of a better reason to feast on dwarf.”

  Lidia's white eyes brightened. “Oh Reginald! You are right of course. I will wait!” Then she frowned and looked down at Cooper. “And what shall we do with the half-orc? I fear his meat has already begun to spoil.”

  “Fuck you, lady!” said Cooper. “That's my natural musk.”

  “My children!” Reginald bellowed, his arms spread out before him. The spiders all stopped simultaneously. “Put this group in the storage chamber. Bring my beautiful bride and I the wounded kobold. Please me and you shall all dine on half-orc tonight!”

  The spiders glanced uncomfortably at one another for a moment. A few of the nearest ones gave Cooper a sniff and backed away. One of the spiders chattered.

  Reginald lowered his arms. “Well then do it because you've been ordered to, ungrateful vermin! There's nothing stopping us from dining on spider, you know.”

  With that, the spiders returned to their duties. A few of them scurried ahead. Julian and his friends were dragged through a ten foot wide earthen-walled corridor which led downward at a slight angle out of the pit-trap chamber.

  A few minutes passed before Julian heard weak moaning coming from the other direction. “What's that noise?”

  “I can't move my head that way,” said Dave. He was one of the two of the party who was able to see in the pitch-black darkness they were being dragged through. They were now well beyond the light of Julian's enchanted coin. The spell had probably expired by now anyway.

  “I see it,” said Cooper. “The spiders that ran ahead are dragging something back this way.”

  “The wounded kobold,” said Julian.

  “See if he's got my dagger when he passes,” said Diamond.

  “Ha!” shrieked the kobold as he was dragged past them. “This is your fault! You deserve this. I'll die with a smile on my face.”

  “Where's my dagger, you little reptilian bastard?” said Diamond.

  “Damn you all to the depths!” shouted the kobold. His voice was fading. The spiders were moving faster.

  “I didn't see any daggers on him, but he was covered in spider splooge, so he might have had it under there or something.”

  Eventually they arrived at some sort of a destination. The way the sound echoed off the walls, Julian guessed they were in another large chamber. The texture of the floor felt like web, though it wasn't suspended in the air like in the other chamber. This was just web on solid ground.

  “What's going on?” asked Julian.

  “I think we're in the storage chamber,” said Dave. “The walls, floor, and ceiling are all covered in white.”

  Cooper snorted. “It looks like Dave got set loose in an elementary school.”

  Tim laughed.

  “Fuck you, Cooper,” said Dave.

  “Cease your stupid bickering right now,” said Diamond. “What are the spiders doing?”

  “About half of them are climbing up the walls,” said Dave. “The rest are just hanging around. There's something hanging from the ceiling. Two somethings actually. They might be kobolds.”

  “Are they alive?” asked Diamond.

  “It's hard to tell from here,” said Dave. “They aren't really moving or anything. They look – Oh my God, I wish you guys could see this!”

  “What's going on?” asked Julian.

  “The spiders are descending from the ceiling in groups of three. They're suspended from their own threads, but they're swinging around one another, braiding the threads together. It's remarkable.”

  “I'm glad you're enjoying this so much, dwarf,” said Diamond. “But shouldn't you be focusing more on a way to get us out of here?”

  “I'm just reporting wh
at I see,” said Dave. “Nobody ever likes my ideas anyway. I'll leave the escape to the brainy one.”

  “Who's the brainy one?”

  “Tim.”

  “The drunk halfling?”

  “I've really got to piss,” said Tim.

  “Something tells me his mind isn't completely focused on the task at hand,” said Diamond.

  “Then Julian can think of something,” said Dave. “He's got a knack for thinking up crazy stupid ideas that always manage to work.”

  “Well thank you, Dave,” said Julian. “I'll take that as a – Shit, what's going on?” His feet were being pulled again, but not forward. This time they were being pulled up.

  “We're being hoisted up to the ceiling,” said Dave.

  Julian ascended slowly for a couple of minutes. In the darkness, it was impossible to tell just how far up he was. Shortly after he stopped ascending, the spiders scurried away.

  “Whassup?” said Cooper. Something growled in response. Presumably, one of the kobolds Dave had mentioned.

  “You shouldn't be so hostile,” said Julian. “We're all in this together now. The only chance we have of escaping is by working together.”

  “Ha!” one of the kobolds barked. “You think you're going to escape? There is no escaping here. The only way you're getting out of here is when those driders shit out your remains. There were eight of us hanging up here last week. Jirrick told us about what you did to him. Now he's being devoured as well. You all can rot in the Abyss.”

  “Jirrick?” said Diamond. “Is that the kobold leader? Did he mention having a dagger on him?”

  The kobold merely growled at her.

  Julian had no intention of being drider shit. He started swinging his body back and forth. “Dave, how high up would you say we are?”

  “I don't know,” said Dave. “Pretty high.”

  “I mean, do you think we'd survive a fall from this height?”

  “It would definitely hurt. And you'd probably land on your face.”

  Julian stopped swinging. He'd go back to that if he didn't think of anything else.

  “Cooper,” said Julian. “Do you think you're strong enough to bust out of your web?”

  “I don't know,” said Cooper. “Those fuckers bukakked me pretty good. I'm trying. I feel like I'm close, but not quite strong enough.”

  “Use your Barbarian Rage,” said Julian. “That should bump your Strength up more than enough to break through.”

  “I already used it today.”

  “When?”

  “This morning, while you were in the library.”

  “You guys were all getting trashed on the quad,” said Julian. “What did you have to get enraged

  about?”

  “The booze guy needed help moving his stall,” said Cooper. “He wanted to make room for a Doomsayer. He said people drink more when they think the world is about to end.”

  “Dammit,” said Julian. Then he had an idea. “Ravenus!” He tried to keep his tone the same as if he were just talking to his friends. “Ravenus, if you're out there, don't answer. Just come to me.”

  A few seconds later, he heard the familiar flapping, and then Ravenus was perched on his shoulder, hanging upside down from the webbing.

  “I'm here, sir. Do you want I should cut you down from here?”

  “Jesus, no,” said Julian. “Don't do that. I'd probably break my neck. But do you think you could claw through to my hand?”

  “Not a problem, sir.” Ravenus flew up to Julian's hand and began tearing away at web.

  “It'll take that bird forever to get you free,” said Dave. “And then what?”

  “I'm not trying to get myself free,” said Julian. “That's it, Ravenus. Almost there. Ow! Okay, that's enough.”

  Ravenus stopped scratching. “Sorry, sir. I seem to have nicked you a bit.”

  “It's okay, Ravenus,” said Julian, grabbing one of Ravenus's talons. “I want you to deliver this spell to Cooper.”

  “Of course, sir.”

  Julian whispered the incantation. “Bull's Strength.” He let go of Ravenus. “Now go touch his face.”

  “Ow!” said Cooper a couple of seconds later. “Fuck off, bird! Get out of my – Oh, what's this? Sweet!” A few grunts, rips, and swears later, “Almost there. I've almost got – Oh fuck!”

  “Cooper?” said Julian.

  The next sound was a crash, and then Cooper called out from below. “I'm okay!”

  “Not for long, you aren’t,” said Dave.

  “Huh?” said Cooper. “Oh shit.”

  “What’s going on?” asked Julian.

  “The spiders are back,” said Dave. “They must have felt the vibrations from Cooper hitting the floor.”

  “Cooper can handle a few spiders,” said Julian. He knew in his heart that it was only wishful thinking. He’d seen their numbers. Cooper might be able to take them all down, one at a time, but like this they’d overwhelm him in no time.

  “Come on, man!” said Dave. “At least give it your best shot. What are you doing? Stand up and ready your axe!”

  “Fuck that,” said Cooper.

  “What’s he doing?” asked Diamond.

  “He’s just kneeling on the ground,” said Dave, “The spiders are closing in all around him, and he’s just rummaging around in his bag.”

  “Shit,” said Tim.

  “What is it?” said Julian.

  “I held it as long as I could. I was hoping this web shit would be waterproof. It isn’t. I just pissed in my face.”

  “Your friend is about to die down there,” said Diamond. “I would think you’d be a little more concerned.”

  “Who the fuck are you?” said Tim.

  Julian sighed. “That’s Diamond.”

  “Sweet,” said Tim. “Is she a stripper?”

  The room lit up from below. Julian looked down. Holy shit that’s a long drop. Cooper wielded a torch. The spiders, almost on top of him now, stopped dead in their tracks.

  “Cooper!” cried Dave. “Stop! You don‘t know what you‘re doing!”

  “Poor Man’s Fireball!” said Cooper.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Julian.

  Dave shook his head. “He knows exactly what he’s doing. You might want to brace yourselves.”

  The spiders must have had a pretty good idea of Cooper’s intentions. They started crawling over each other trying to scramble away from him.

  “Not so fast, fuckers!” said Cooper. He dropped the torch at his feet.

  Cooper went up in flames, standing at the epicenter of a wave of fire that spread along the webby floor well faster than those hairy bastards could ever hope to run. They crackled and popped like Rice Krispies as the flames spread up the walls.

  And that’s about the time that Julian caught the meaning of Dave’s warning. “Oh shit! Ravenus, fly away!”

  Ravenus squawked but did as he was bid. Julian watched helplessly as the flames curved up the round walls to where they would meet at the ceiling. This would not end well.

  The one good thing Julian could say about being set on fire was that it freed his arms and legs to brace him for what would otherwise have been a deadly fall. Tim was alive, yelping and excitedly patting out the tiny fires on his now exposed chest hair. Dave’s armor made him sound like a garbage truck collision when he hit the ground, but it appeared to have protected him from the fire.

  Painful as it was, Julian was pleasantly surprised to find that he didn’t seem to have broken anything during the fall. The only explanation was that game mechanics didn’t account for broken bones. He was certain, however, that between the fire and the fall, he’d lost more than a few hit points. He rolled back and forth on the ground to make sure he wasn’t still on fire like Cooper was.

  Cooper walked among the dead and dying spiders, smashing his axe into any of the latter he found. His loincloth had almost completely burned away, displaying his leathery ass to an undeserving world. Flames still licked their way up, threate
ning to set the garment completely free.

  “Hey Dave,” said Cooper, putting out a hand. “You mind slapping me a Heal spell?”

  “Yeah, no problem,” said Dave, touching his hand to Cooper's. A spider took advantage of Cooper's distraction and rose to its feet behind him.

  “Cooper!” cried Julian. “Behind you!”

  “Oh my God that's refreshing,” said Cooper. He farted, sending a jet of blue flame into the approaching spider’s face. It’s eight eyes melted down the sides of its horror-stricken face before the creature collapsed to the ground. Julian frowned. Nothing deserved to die like that.

  “Excuse me,” said Cooper.

  “What the fuck, man!” said Tim. Whoever said there was no quick way to get sober had obviously not tried setting himself on fire.

  “You okay, Tim?” asked Dave, offering him a hand to help him up.

  Tim slapped his hand away. “I don’t need your hand,” he said, glaring at Cooper. “I need my fucking epidermis!”

  “Don’t be such a pussy,” said Cooper. “It worked, didn’t it? We’re free and alive, and the spiders aren’t.”

  “That’s more than I can say for the kobolds,” said Dave, poking through their charred remains. “Poor little bastards only get like four hit points or something like that. There’s barely anything left of them.”

  “Wait!” said Julian. “Where’s Diamond?” He scanned the room frantically for her, but the light from the burning spiders was beginning to fade quickly. “Diamond? Are you there? Are you okay?”

  There was no answer.

  “Dave, I fell here, and you fell over there. That means Diamond should have fallen somewhere around here,” Julian said, pointing to the spot where he guessed Diamond should be. “Come over here and tell me if you see anything.”

  Dave stomped over. “There’s nothing, dude,” said Dave. “Sorry. Just dirt and ash.”

  “Relax, dude,” said Cooper. “She’s got to be somewhere. Maybe she snuck off for a piss or something.”

  “You killed her, you stupid bastard!” said Julian.

  “Bullshit,” said Cooper. “If she was dead, then there would be a body. Your mind’s not right, because it’s in your dick right now. She’ll turn up.”

  “My mind is fine,” said Julian. “Did you see the kobolds? There was barely anything of them left, because they only had four hit points. Diamond was a first level wizard! She might have had less than that.”