2d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  “Fewer,” said Tim.

  “What?” said Julian.

  “It’s not less hit points,” said Tim. “It’s fewer. Just sayin’.”

  “Fuck you!” said Julian. “He just fucking disintegrated Diamond!”

  “Who’s Diamond?” asked Tim. “I’m sorry. I only just sobered up. Where are we?”

  “Fuck all of you!” said Julian. “I’m out of here.” He stomped off through the nearest exit he could find.

  “You're going the wrong way,” said Dave.

  “How would you know?” said Julian. He neither looked back nor slowed his pace.

  “That tunnel goes down,” Dave continued. “If we're trying to reach the surface, we'd do better to go up. There's another tunnel that goes up from here.”

  Dave made a fair point, but Julian gave him the finger as he continued defiantly heading in the wrong direction.

  “We need to go after him,” said Tim. Julian's elf ears could hear their conversation from an impressive distance away.

  “Cooper just burned his girlfriend alive,” said Dave. “He's going to need some time.”

  “Hey fuck you, Dave,” said Cooper. “How was I supposed to know she only had one hit point. She seemed pretty capable to me. I did the only thing I could think of. Considering my low Intelligence score, I'm pretty impressed with myself. I stand by my decision.”

  “No one's blaming you,” said Dave. “But maybe you should apologize to Julian just the same.”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  “There's no way you killed all those spiders. Some of them will have escaped to report to the driders. We need to get moving before they come back.”

  And so of course the three assholes started following Julian down the wrong tunnel.

  “If you don't mind me saying so, sir,” said Ravenus, perched on Julian's shoulder. “You might be overreacting a bit.”

  “I mind,” said Julian. “Dave's right. I need some time to myself to cool off.”

  “Yes, sir,” said Ravenus. “Of course, sir. But might you address the small matter of us not being able to see?”

  Julian huffed out a sigh. “Fine. Light.” The end of his quarterstaff filled the small, descending corridor with light. As he expected, there wasn't anything here worth seeing. Just dirt, dirt, and more dirt. He had been content just to stumble along in the dark.

  One point of interest was an opening coming up on the right, and a single giant spider crawling out of it. The spider faced Julian, standing high on its legs, filling the cramped corridor.

  This was just the sort of thing Julian needed to settle his nerves. Something to beat the shit out of. He charged at the spider. It was obviously expecting a different reaction. It lowered its body a couple of inches and took a single step back.

  Julian battle cried his first incantation. “Magic Missile!” He threw a glowing red ball of hate-magic at the confused arachnid, which exploded in its thorax. The spider shrieked in pain and took a desperate grab for Julian when he got into range. Julian shrugged off the spider leg and got down to engaging the beast the way he really wanted to... clubbing it repeatedly in the face. It fell on the second or third swing, but Julian kept bashing away until his club was flinging slimy spider guts all over the walls and diminishing the light from the spell.

  “Feel better?” asked Dave.

  “Huh?” Julian stopped beating the dead spider. “Oh, um... yeah, a little.”

  “I'm sorry I incinerated your girlfriend,” said Cooper.

  “It's okay,” said Julian. “I know you didn't mean to. I don't think she was into me anyway. I wasn't getting that vibe, you know?”

  “Hold on,” said Tim. “How does that make it okay to incinerate a person?”

  “Just let it go, dude,” said Cooper. “Hey. What's in here?” He poked his head through the side passage. “Score! We found their treasure room!” Tim and Dave followed him inside.

  “Ravenus,” said Julian. “Stay here and keep your eyes open for driders.”

  “But I can't see, sir.”

  “Then listen. We won't be long.”

  Julian stepped inside the treasure room. Unlike the other chambers he'd been in down here, this room was cubical. For a treasure room, it wasn't very impressive. There were a few weapons lying around, but most of them were either broken, or rusted, or both. The room was littered with busted wooden crates, some of them covered with canvas sheets, spotted black and smelling of mold. One large and conspicuous chest sat against the back wall. It looked like the quintessential treasure chest from an old pirate movie.

  Cooper opened the chest and frowned. “Empty.” He reached inside, as if to confirm by touch what his eyes already told him.

  “Something's coming,” said Ravenus. “Put out your light!”

  “Shit,” said Dave. “What are we going to do?”

  “We'll fight,” said Cooper.

  “You know we're no match for driders,” said Dave. “They'll spray us down with web again before we get an Attack Roll.”

  “Hide!” said Julian. It wasn't a great plan, but it was as good as any at this point. He ducked behind some crates and pulled a sheet of canvas over his head. His friends did likewise. They waited in perfect silence, broken only once by a squeaky fart. Poor Dave. He was hiding under the same canvas as Cooper.

  A minute later, the patter of what Julian guessed was sixteen giant legs sounded just outside the entrance of the room.

  A female voice gasped. “My jewels!” Julian knew the voice. It was Lidia, the female drider.

  “My weapons!” cried Reginald. The great treasure chest creaked open. “My gold! All of it gone!”

  “And what's that smell?”

  “Those little savages will pay for their transgressions!”

  “It's not enough that they murder our children,” said Lidia. Her voice had a slight sniffle to it. “They had to go and rob us as well!”

  “Come on guys,” said a voice from outside that Julian wasn't expecting to hear. It was his own voice, or at least a very poor imitation of it. “I found some more spiders over here. Maybe we can rape them before we kill them this time!”

  “My babies!” cried Lidia.

  “Those fiends!” said Reginald. “Come, sweet wife. They aren't far. They won't escape us again!”

  Their giant spider feet rushed out of the room. Julian pulled the tarp off of his head. The air in the room was thick with fart.

  Dave inhaled deeply.

  “Come on!” said Julian. “Ravenus just bought us a little time. We have to get out of here.”

  Cooper led the way back to the storage chamber. Julian and Tim, who couldn't see in the dark, stumbled along behind him as best they could, while Dave took up the rear.

  Julian knew they had arrived when he tripped over the corpse of a dead giant spider. “Dave, didn't you say there was a passage leading up?”

  “Yeah,” said Dave. “It's right up there. I don't know how we're supposed to get to it though.”

  “Cooper,” said Julian. “Can you take Tim's rope and climb the wall?”

  “I don't think so,” said Cooper. “The walls are curved. I'd only be able to make it halfway up.”

  “Damn,” said Julian.

  “I've got it,” said Tim. “We'll pile up spider corpses and climb up those.”

  “First of all, ew,” said Julian. “Secondly, we don't have that kind of time.”

  “Tim,” said Cooper. “Get your rope. I've got an idea.”

  Tim dug blindly through his bag for a moment. “Here.”

  “No, that's okay,” said Cooper. “Just hold this end.”

  “What?” said Tim. “Hey, put me down! Aaaaahh! Ow! Fuck!” There was a brief pause, and then a thud on the ground. “Ow.”

  “Shit,” said Cooper. “I missed. Sorry.”

  “No!” said Tim. “Not again!”

  “Second time's the charm,” said Cooper.

  “Aaaaaaaahhh!” said Tim. There was no thud this time. Tim had appa
rently arrived at his destination.

  “Okay, Julian,” said Cooper. “Your turn.”

  “What?” said Julian, backing away from Cooper's voice. “Why?”

  “Tim can't support my weight by himself.” Cooper's voice grew closer with every word. It was pointless to resist. “Don't be such a baby.”

  Two giant half-orc hands grabbed his upper arms and picked him up. Julian's body swung backward, and then swiftly forward... and up. He sailed through the darkness, flailing his arms for purchase. His upper body landed in an upward-sloping passage and immediately started to slide out of it. Tim caught his arm, and he managed to scramble up to safety.

  “Dave's too heavy for me to throw,” said Cooper. “I'm coming up the rope. You two hold it. Ready?”

  Julian and Tim wrapped the rope around their wrists and dug their heels into the earthen walls of the tunnel.

  “Ready,” said Tim.

  Cooper started up the rope, and Julian felt like his arms were going to be pulled off. He and Tim groaned but held their ground. When Cooper reached the passage, the pressure on Julian's wrist let up. He and Tim exhaled.

  “Dave,” said Cooper. “Your turn. Tie the rope around your waist.

  “A little light please?” said Ravenus, somewhere below them.

  “Light!” said Julian. There wasn't much point in hiding now. “Ravenus, we're up here!”

  Ravenus flew up into the passage. “I'm sorry, sir. I distracted them as long as I could, but they're coming back.”

  “You were brilliant, Ravenus,” said Julian.

  “Dave, you fat fuck!” said Cooper. “Are you ready yet?”

  “Ready!” Dave called back. “Pull!”

  Tim and Julian hurried up the passage, with Cooper dragging Dave behind them.

  “There's a light up ahead!” said Tim.

  Julian shielded the light from his staff and looked up the passage. Tim was right. It was tiny and distant, but it was there. The way out. Their salvation.

  “There!” shouted Reginald. Julian could imagine the driders' point of view, looking up at Dave's big dwarf ass struggling into the passage.

  Damn. They'd put forth a good effort, but it was done. The driders could climb the walls as effortlessly and quickly as if they were walking on the ground. There was no way Julian and his friends would make it out of the drider lair before they were caught.

  Cooper rushed past Julian. “Come on, jackass! They're gaining on us!”

  “What's the point?” said Julian. “We've lost. We're out of options. I'll just fire a Magic Missile at them as a final fuck you before we die.”

  Cooper stopped and looked at Julian. “There are always options. You know what you have to do.” Then he turned and continued up the passage.

  “What kind of cryptic bullshit was that?” Julian called after him.

  Dave squeezed his way past Julian. “Whatever you've got planned, better do it quick.”

  “But I don't have anything planned!” Julian cried. “What do I have to...” Then it hit him. It was obvious. He'd do the same thing he always did. He looked down the passage just as Reginald started to crawl into it.

  “You die first, elf!” said Reginald. His white eyes looked pissed off. He only had just enough room to squeeze his abdomen under his legs and point his spidery ass at Julian.

  “Horse!” Julian shouted, just in time for a very surprised-looking horse to catch an assful of web. The poor animal didn't even have room to stand up properly.

  “What's this?” demanded Reginald.

  The terrified horse whinnied.

  “Bwaaaaaaaaaagghh!” shouted Reginald. Lidia joined in half a second later. It was an extended shout which ended abruptly. It translated to “I just got kicked by a horse and fell a long distance to the ground.”

  “Sorry, friend,” Julian said to the magical horse. “But well done.” He turned around. “Let's go!” But his friends were well ahead of him. They were nearly to the end of the tunnel, where it widened to about ten feet wide, when Julian heard the horse scream, which ended very quickly. “Hurry up, guys!”

  “Wait!” said Tim just before they entered the sweet sweet light of the sun.

  “Are you crazy?” said Dave. “They're right behind us!”

  Tim got down on his knees and ran a finger along an almost invisible thread. “It's a trap.”

  “Well thanks for that, Admiral Ackbar,” said Cooper. “But I'll take my chances.”

  “No,” said Tim. “The driders must have rigged the exit, but I think we can bypass it if we stay close to the left wall.”

  The four of them inched their way outside, backs against the wall.

  “We did it!” said Julian. “We're free!”

  “Wait a second,” said Dave. “Is there any rule that says driders can't go outside their lair?”

  “Shit,” said Tim. “Julian, do you have any more Mount spells left?”

  “Just one,” said Julian.

  “Run!” said Dave. He took off as fast as his thick little legs would carry him. Not nearly fast enough.

  “They're hurt,” said Julian. “We might not stand much of a chance, but let's see if we can't take at least one of those fuckers down.”

  “I'm with you,” said Cooper, holding his axe ready.

  Tim loaded his crossbow. “I'm with you, too,” he said. “But I'm going to hide behind this tree.”

  “Okay,” said Julian.

  “It's for the Sneak Attack Bonus,” Tim explained.

  “Okay,” Julian repeated. “Seriously, it's fine.”

  A few seconds later, Reginald was visible, approaching the opening of the tunnel. When the tunnel got wide enough, Lidia took her place beside her husband, running on their monstrous arachnid legs toward Julian, Cooper, and Dave, who had apparently had a change of heart.

  Julian took a deep breath to steady his resolve. His grip on his quarterstaff was slick with sweat as he pointed it at Reginald. “Magic Missile.” A white bolt of energy flew out of the staff, striking the drider in the chest. Whether or not he even noticed it was anybody's guess. It certainly didn't slow him down.

  “Well shit,” said Cooper. That summed up their situation pretty eloquently. They had used up all their tricks and all their luck. It was time to admit that they were way out of their league, and now they were going to –

  Click. Twang. Swoosh. Thwack. A barrage of swords, spears, daggers, and javelins sprang from the ground surrounding the cave entrance. They were rigged on a series of ropes, strings, and bent trees. The driders were skewered from all sides.

  “My weapons!” groaned Reginald.

  The tip of a bolt sprouted out the front of Lidia's throat. Another from Reginald's left eye. Their bodies went limp and they shat out white blobs of web.

  “'The fuck just happened?” asked Cooper. Then he farted. It was even more pungent than usual.

  “Jesus, Cooper!” said Dave. He and Julian stepped away from Cooper.

  “Sorry guys,” said Cooper. “That one may have been more liquid than gas.” He reached down the front of what barely qualified as a loincloth anymore, and pulled out a piece of paper.

  “What's that?” said Julian. “Where did you get it?”

  “I found it in the treasure chest,” said Cooper. “I took it to wipe with.”

  “Why didn't you show that to the rest of us?” demanded Julian.

  “I didn't think it was important. There's nothing on it but some meaningless scribble.”

  “That's because you're illiterate, stupid!” He snatched the paper out of Cooper's hand.

  “Words can cut too, you know.”

  Julian spread the paper against the trunk of a tree, flattening out the wrinkles, and smearing brown streaks that he was pretty sure had been contributed by Cooper. “It's a letter.” His heart skipped a beat. “It's a letter to me!”

  “What?” said Tim. “What does it say?”

  Julian cleared his throat and read the letter aloud.

  Dear
Julian,

  If you're reading this letter, then that means you're alive, and that's a good thing. It also means you're heading in the wrong direction. The surface is up, silly.

  I've got to hand it to you, you were right. You'll be happy to know that, somehow or another, I've mastered the Invisibility spell. It came in very handy for stealing the driders' treasure and sneaking past them. So I'd like to thank you for that, and for a wonderful adventure. You really know how to show a girl a good time.

  I regret having to tell you that I'm not in the market for a romantic relationship at present. You're a lovely elf with a big heart, and there's a more deserving female elf that I'm sure you'll make very happy one day. Please respect my privacy and do not try to look for me. We wouldn't want things to get awkward, would we?

  Know that I'll treasure the memory of today, and I'll never forget you.

  Sincerely,

  D.

  XOXOXO

  P.S.

  Julian paused to glare up at Cooper.

  “What?” said Cooper.

  Julian continued reading.

  P.S. When I find a way out of here, I'm going to set a trap with some weapons I found. Keep to the left against the wall and you can avoid getting stabbed to death.

  “Oh shit,” said Cooper. “Sorry.”

  P.P.S. Apologize to the dwarf for me. He was just too much fun to pick on. He's so cute when he gets flustered.

  “Well that's nice,” said Dave, his face flushing red.

  Julian lowered the letter. “There's a heart and a smiley face.”

  “Um...” said Cooper. “She's alive at least. That's good news, right? She must be more than just a first level wizardess.”

  “I couldn’t rig a trap like that,” said Tim. “She must have a few levels of rogue in her.”

  Julian crumpled the paper in his fist. “What a fucking bitch! I wish you had incinerated her.”

  “You don't mean that,” said Tim. “That's just your broken heart talking.”

  “I bet her name's not even really Diamond.”

  Cooper slapped a hand on Julian's shoulder. “It never is, friend. It never is.”