by J Bree
The flare up in my leg only gets worse and I find myself walking gingerly to each of my classes. Harley watches me carefully and starts to snap at any other students walking around us if they get too close to me. It’s sweet and I find myself very glad he’s decided we’re friends.
I refuse to eat all day and instead drink eight cups of coffee until finally Harley notices the tremors in my hands and narks on me. Avery hides the coffee and stalks me so I can’t have anymore. What a bunch of assholes.
The tremble is a full body case of the shakes by the time I get to the chapel. It’s full of students and various bored looking teachers trying to corral them into some semblance of quiet and calm. I spot Harley and Ash straight away because they’ve cleared the bench around them for us to join them as we finish. I must look miserable because Avery tucks her arm in mine and Blaise slings a casual arm over my shoulders. I don’t even have the mental capacity to enjoy the feeling. I could definitely vomit on my shoes right now and I wouldn’t even care, it would not bother me in the least.
Because Miss Umber hates me, truly despises me I’m sure of it, she saves me for last. Avery goes first and sounds great. She’s got a decent range, clear tones, and hits the notes she needs to. I clap with everyone else even though we’re behind the curtain and she won’t see. Blaise is third so he finds us a quiet spot to sit and then keeps me tucked under his arm until he has to move. When Miss Umber calls him he gives me a little squeeze and then heads out.
He’s amazing.
The girls behind the curtain swoon and pant after him. I crawl out of my miserable fog for long enough to glare at them a bit, not that I blame them. I hope Avery has taken a video of it for me to enjoy later because I’m too fucking nervous to function right now. I breathe and centre myself until all of my chaos is contained inside my head and not plastered over my face for everyone to see.
I watch as, one by one, the girls all disappear until Miss Umber is calling my name.
If my scholarship didn’t ride on this assignment I would leave.
Fuck.
I slip one of the earplugs into my ears as I walk up to the microphone on stage. I don’t look at the crowd. I don’t even look at Avery. I wait until they start the song, to count myself in, before I slip the other earplug in and the silence in only broken by the thumping of my own heart. I fix my eyes onto the rose colored glass on the far wall and then I sing.
Weeks and weeks of practice.
So many sleepless nights stressing about this moment.
I fucking love it.
I lose myself in the mechanics of singing and I give it everything I’ve got. I pour sixteen years of anger, frustration, longing, and loneliness into my voice and when I feel the tears pick at the back of my eyes I don’t even care that I’m on a stage for the entire school to see.
I push my luck and reach up to loosen one earplug just a fraction so I can hear just a little of my song. I’m fucking incredible. My hand shakes a little but I push through and finish the damn song, hearing every word I’m singing. I feel invincible.
I know in my broken and bent bones I’ll sing without fear someday.
I step away from the microphone and duck my head so I don’t have to look at anyone while I’m feeling so exposed. I feel raw, like my soul has been torn open and splayed out for all of Hannaford to see.
I faintly hear the applause as I move to the side of the stage and I pop out the earplugs. Avery is yelling, “Yes bitch!” at me like a lunatic and I let out a weak chuckle. Stepping down from the stage, I walk over to sit beside her on jelly legs, adrenaline riding me hard. She looks so elated that I've managed to sing the whole song without shitting myself and I grin back at her. All three boys gape at me, mirror images of shock.
“That was perfect. You should have seen how Blaise looked when you opened your mouth.” Avery whispers in my ear. I fight the blush that threatens to bloom over my entire body.
I exhale and settle into my chair to watch as the first of the band students walks out with a cello and sets up. It's quiet for a second and then Blaise and Harley start bickering.
“Move.” says Blaise.
“Fuck off. You've just decided to do something about it because she passed your little singing test?”
“Don't be a jealous dick and move. I need to tell her-”
“You'd have to climb over my dead fucking body and we both know I could take you. Now shut up before you get us in the shit.”
What the hell? Avery is grinning so hard her face might split open when I look past her to the others. Ash has his arm linked with hers and he's staring ahead like he can't hear the war happening next to him but I can see the nerve twitching in his cheek. Harley’s face is flushed with anger and he looks over at me. I don't recognize the emotion in his eyes and I'm worried he's pissed off at me again. I've just barely managed to negotiate a ceasefire with Ash, I don't want something else to start up in its place.
I fidget my way through the rest of the performances and when Mr Trevelen finally dismisses us I’m feeling the effects of skipping food all day. When my stomach rumbles Avery sighs at me then turns to the guys. “I’m making dinner, are you coming up to eat with us or are you hitting the dining hall?”
They agree to come up and nervous flutters start deep in my stomach. My leg is still aching and when we all stand to leave my knee buckles and gives way. I manage to catch myself on the bench and when I stand again Avery wraps a hand under my elbow to support me.
“You know how I tell you not to buy me shit? If a new leg is on the table, I'll take it.” I say through clenched teeth. Avery rubs my back with a little smile and helps me to hobble out of the auditorium. I must look pathetic because Ash wraps a strong arm around my waist and pulls me into his body tightly. It takes me a second to remember exactly how to breathe when I feel the hard lines of his body against mine. I hear Harley begin to grumble behind us.
“What happened?” Ash murmurs.
“My leg just likes to remind me that violence is never the answer.”
Ash chuckles under his breath and my legs start to wobble for an entirely different reason. He looks down at me and the concern is easy to see. I’m so fucking confused.
“I’ll be fine, I just need to get off my feet for a few days.”
He nods and Harley pries Avery off of my elbow so he can support the other side of my body until I’m pretty much being carried by the two of them. Avery stares at each of the guys, one by one, like she’s going to stage an intervention. When she opens her mouth Blaise tucks her under his arm and pulls her to lead the way. What the sweet fresh hell is going on?
When we get to the girls dorms I feel every single set of eyes in the hallway follow me from where I’m wedged between Ash and Harley. Annabelle takes two steps towards us before Ash shuts her down with a single look. She hovers just outside her room and watches Harley pass with devastated eyes. He doesn’t spare her so much as a glance. Mentally, I flip her the bird like a smug-ass bitch. How much does his lack of trust fund matter now, you gold digging bitch?
Avery unlocks the door and I get deposited gently on my bed. I’m too busy easing my shoes and socks off my aching leg, wincing and trying not to whimper pathetically, to realize an argument is starting around me. I only take notice when Harley’s temper erupts and he yells, “Fuck you, Morrison! You and Ash are as bad as each other.”
My head snaps up to see Avery standing in the middle of all three guys. Harley has his back to me but Blaise is flushed and glaring, and while Ash’s face looks blank, his fists are clenched and his shoulders are rigid.
Avery glares at Harley and then pokes him on his heaving chest with a finger. “Calm the hell down. I'm not having you break my room because you're in a mood.”
Harley doesn't register her words, he just widens his stance and stares down his two best friends like they’re going to be brawling in under a minute.
Jesus fuck.
Clearly, I've missed something vital.
Avery thinks so, too.
“One of you idiots had better start explaining what the fuck is going on. Now. I've never seen you fight like this before!”
No one moves or says a word. Then, the three guys all turn and look at me.
Oh. They don't want an audience for this and clearly they still don't trust me. It's stings, it fucking stings a whole lot because I think I've proved myself to each of them a hundred times over this year, but I try not to show it. I slide off my bed and mumble something about having a shower to give them some privacy.
When Blaise takes a step towards me to help me as I hobble past them pathetically Harley honest-to-fucking-god growls at him and Avery steps up to take my arm.
“I need a fucking drink after this.” she murmurs to me as she ferries me into the bathroom.
I take as long as I possibly can to shower, dress, and dry my hair. I brush my teeth. Floss them meticulously. I even pluck a few stray eyebrow hairs just to ensure they've finished their little chat.
I take a deep breath and exit the bathroom. Harley and Ash are already eating the Seafood Carbonara Avery has made. Blaise is doing dishes and Avery is standing at the bench grinning at me like a maniac. Like the Joker and the Cheshire Cat had a secret love child and named her Avery fucking Beaumont.
“Why are you so happy? Did Annabelle choke on a dick or something?” I ask and she gives me her best witchy cackle.
“Better. So much better. We’ll talk tomorrow, just eat some dinner and rest your leg for now.”
“We could talk about it now.“ Harley grumbles into his plate but Avery’s crazy grin shifts into a glare.
“Eat your damn pasta, Arbour.”
I give her a puzzled look and grab a plate. Avery helps me sit on the couch and then tries to talk me into taking some of the other pain pills her private and, I believe, shady doctor gave her. I refuse and try to focus on the TV instead of the tension in the room.
It's a weird night.
Chapter Thirty
The next morning I’m in the shower before classes when I hear a knock and Avery’s head pokes in the room.
“Can I come in? I need to pee.”
I nod and she shuts and locks the door behind her. She doesn’t move to the toilet, instead she props herself up against the counter and gives me a smug-as-fuck look. I raise my eyebrows at her as I wash my hair out. I love the smell of this shampoo and I close my eyes as I take in deep lungfuls of it. I never want to know how much Avery spends on it.
“The boys are here for you. All three of them. They want to walk you down to breakfast.” she whispers and I startle out of my daydreaming, looking over at her quickly. She grins and wiggles her eyebrows at me. Sweet Lord. I move a bit faster as I wash out my hair. I don’t know if I can take much more of their arguing and strange behavior.
“Are you going to tell me what the hell was going on yesterday?”
The next-level, maniacal grin is back on her face. “They were bickering over your performance. Then Ash pulled you into his arms to get you back up here and all hell broke loose. Harley lost it, he already wants to kill Blaise because he’s got his eye on you. Even more so because you look at him like he’s dinner and you’re starving. Now he has to contend with Ash too and he snapped.”
I shut the water off and try to process what Avery is saying. Blaise has his eye on me? Harley is pissed? What the damned hell?! I grab a towel and step out of the stall. I can’t find any words, but Avery doesn’t seem to need my input.
“It’s killing Harley that you look at Blaise like that. I think at this point he would give up his entire inheritance all over again to get you to look at him with those eyes instead. They we’re about to throw down last night and I told them I would speak to you. I didn’t want our room being destroyed when you picked which one you want. This way you can text them or something and they can throw their pity party elsewhere and my good china will be safe.”
I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. I’m a little lightheaded and woozy. This is too much. I can’t exist like this. There’s still a week left before we leave Hannaford for the summer break and I’ll have to lock myself in our room until then. It occurs to me that I’ve spent the entire time I’ve been at Hannaford lusting after these guys, hating any girl I’ve spotted them with, and now I apparently have their attention I want to crawl under my covers and die. I’m not equipped for casual hookups, even without the Jackal looming over me, and I know for a fact they don’t do commitment. I am not the girl for them.
I need to call in reinforcements.
“Can you-can you do something for me?”
Avery’s answer is instant and whispered.
“Of course. Anything.”
I smile. I know she means it too. That’s how this friendship thing works. Ride or die. “I need you to talk to them. All three of them. And, like, make it so they won’t give me shit about what I’m about to say because I have no fucking idea how to say this to any of them without pissing them off and starting a whole new war.”
“Easy. Done.” she says and the little lines between her eyebrows appear, the ones that mean she’s in cleanup mode. Good luck cleaning this up, I want to say but I manage to reel myself in.
“Right. I had to desensitize myself from Harley. I had to spend weeks looking at abstract parts of him until I could look at him front on, in the face, without passing out.”
I’m blushing so hard I think the whole room is heating up from it. Avery is clearly trying her best not to dissolve into a fit of laughter and god do I love her for it. She even manages to smother her snort into a polite cough.
“I almost had the same problem with Ash but he has always distracted me with his attitude so I can forget how… yeah. I’m still having a hard time with Blaise because I spent so long before I met him being obsessed with his songs. I used to listen to him all the time to escape from the group home and everything with the Twelve. It means that he’s tied up with that whole part of my life and I can’t look at him without feeling… safe. So please explain that to them all so they don’t think I’m some crazed psycho fan and just let them know I’m dealing with it. I want to be their friend and not look at him like he’s…dinner. I don’t want to ruin their friendships or ours just for a quick fuck.”
Avery gives me this look, with her brows arched up and her eyes squinted up a little, like she’s trying to figure out just how dense I am. I try not to squirm.
“You know all three of them are bordering on obsessed with you, right? Ash is freaking the hell out because he can’t figure out when his loathing of you turned into admiration, affection, and lust. Blaise damn near died when he heard you sing because he’d been trying to put you in the little ‘do-not-touch’ box in his head because of Harley and then your voice burnt the box right down to the ground and, well, we all know how Harley feels. This is not about sex. Well, I’m sure they would be very interested in having sex with you but it’s more than that.”
Panic rises in my chest, bubbling and frothing until I think I might choke on it. My voice comes out thready as I say, “No, I didn’t know. I know nothing. This is all very new information for me.”
“Jesus H. Christ, Lips. I thought you were refusing to start anything with any of them because you were pissed about last year and wanted to string them along a bit. I was kind of assuming the hot/cold thing you have with them all was foreplay!”
I crumble onto the floor in a heap, oblivious to the fact I am only half wrapped in a towel and I am probably showing off a whole heap of skin to Avery. She sighs and cracks the door open an inch. I blush again, remembering that all three of the guys are waiting in our room for us to come out. I take a deep breath and try not to expire right there on the floor. They can’t see me with Avery’s body blocking me. Can I look them in the eye after this? God, this is worse than fighting my way through the Game. Give me a target to take out and I’m golden, give me three guys who like me and I’m dying inside. What the hell am I going to do?
“We’ll meet you guys down at the dining hall…no, we’re fine… Ash, I have cramps and I need a minute to get myself together and I’d rather not have you lot out there listening to me change out tampons… well, if you listened to me the first time I wouldn’t have to supply you with the details… no, Lips is still getting dressed… we’re girls, she isn’t worried about my period, she has her own to deal with. Bye!”
She closes the door and smirks at me.
“You’ve clearly scarred your brother for life.” I choke out but I’m smiling, her joy is infectious.
“I had to go to great lengths to get them the hell out. Harley did not flinch, by the way, he was totally prepared to deal with a blood-soaked armageddon to stay here and walk you down. The other two manhandled him out.”
I flip onto my back and groan. Avery finally breaks and laughs hysterically. When she finally calms down, wiping tears from her cheeks, she pegs me with a look though it’s a gentle one.
“We’ve never actually talked about this so I’m requesting this as your truth for the day. Are you a virgin?”
I groan. “As if you can’t tell from my absolute meltdown. Yes, I am. I’m attracted guys but I’ve always stayed the hell away from them. The risks with the Jackal were just too much to even try to get my head around it.”
Avery hands me my underwear and then she fluffs her hair and checks her makeup while I dress.
“I am too. I’ve always wanted a boy who loves me like the boys do and Rory was the first guy I thought came close. And, well, you know what happened with Atticus. Clearly I’m terrible at judging a mans character.”
I blow out a breath and button my blouse. White hot rage courses through me every time the name Rory comes out of Avery’s mouth.
“Don’t beat yourself up. I thought he was obsessed with you too. I just didn’t realize he saw you as an object rather than a person.”
She shrugs and gives me a sad smile in the mirror. “We can’t fix my love life so let’s sort yours out. Which one do you like the best? No judgement.”