“She's given her heart to the Lord?”
“I wish. No, she wanted to sell me more pills. I told her I was done with that—forever. I even told her how messed up I got because of it. Then she told me she was broke and needed money.”
“Oh, no…” I felt bad for Laura. “What'd you say?”
“I told her I had a bunch of Mickey D-bucks that I'd give her.”
I had to laugh at that.
“I also told her that I'm in an outpatient rehab program now.”
“What'd she say about that?”
“She didn't believe me. She just hung up.”
“I'm sorry, Laura.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“So, how's the old rehab going?”
“It's kind of cool. I mean, in a weird way. It's like I was getting so down on myself about the whole thing, thinking that I must be such a lowlife to get hooked. But hearing others talk about their addictions makes me feel like less of a loser. I'm starting to see that we're all wired differently, and some of us need to be really careful. I've also been able to share with them about how God has been key in my recovery.”
“That's cool. Allie and I are going to attend our first Al-Anon meeting next Tuesday.”
“I don't see why you guys need to—”
“Because we love you, Laura. And because we promised Omega. Remember?”
“I still can't believe all the trouble I've caused.”
“So, do you think your mom will cool off when it's time to go back on tour?”
“Thank goodness we have almost three months. Ky dad's been trying to convince her that it was just a onetime blunder. I'm sure glad someone in this family believes in me.”
“Oh, Laura, I'm sure your mom believes in you too. She's just very protective of her baby.”
Laura made a groaning sound. “Thanks, I needed that little reminder.”
Then we joked about how we've been taking so rauch abuse for being the “rock stars” back in our old stomping ground.
“You know Allie would be eating this up,” I said.
“When's she getting home anyway?”
“In time for tomorrow's gig.”
“I guess we don't really need to practice.”
“Nah, I think we can pull it off for the hometown crowd. But I'm hoping we can get back to practicing after the New Year.” Mow this is an understatement, since I had the old nightmare about flopping big-time on the stage. Still, I think it's too soon to crack the whip.
Tuesday, January 4
(CRUISING 'ROUND TOWN)
Where to begin? First off, most importantly, I now have wheels! Well, other than my bike, that is. It all started when I wanted to borrow a car for New Year's Eve.
“Why don't you get your own car?” suggested ray dad as he made coffee that morning.
I frowned at him and got ready to argue, but then it hit me—why don't I get ray own car?
I knew he could see the light go on in ray face about then. “You see, not such a bad idea from the geezer, eh? If you had your own car we wouldn't always be scrambling for rides around here.”
“Yeah,” I said slowly. “And I could actually afford it too. Do you really think it's a good idea?”
He grinned. “I can't believe you're asking me that. Since when have any of us been able to tell you what to do?”
“Hey, I'm trying to be an obedient and submissive daughter now.”
He just laughed. “Well, as fate would have it, I don't have to work today. You want to go looking, pumpkin?”
“Looking for what?” asked Josh as he emerged looking half awake.
“Your sister's new car!”
“Hey, cool. Can I come?”
So the three of us went car shopping. Ky dad was certain that Ifew Year's Eve—and it was just starting to snow—would be the perfect time to get a real deal. And as it turned out, he was right.
Naturally, Dad and Josh wanted to look at the hottest, fanciest wheels out there. It's like they think I'm made of money now. But I humored them. And we actually test drove a Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder (Josh's suggestion). But the whole time I kept eyeing the back lots for what I really wanted. To say my brother and dad were a little let down when I finally saw the car of my dreams is a total understatement. But there it was—a completely refurbished 1972 Volkswagen bus. Now talk about a classic!
“You gotta be kidding,” said Dad. “You want that old thing?”
I nodded with a big grin.
“I think I might've ridden in the back of that thing during my college days,” Dad said with a frown. “I can't believe you could have the pick of the lot, and you want that.”
Josh just laughed. “I think it suits you to a T, Chloe. Don't know why I didn't see it coming.”
“Yeah. We can put all our band equipment in it and everything. Or even go camping. See, it's complete with a little fridge and everything.”
My dad rolled his eyes. “A real deluxe edition.”
“And the color is perfect,” I said. “Green, like the earth.”
Then ray dad hugged me. “My little earth muffin. Well, I guess you better let me do the dickering—since I'm not the one who's in love with it.”
And dicker he did. I got it for a real bargain. And it runs great too. Josh had to give me some lessons on how to handle a clutch. But by the time I needed to pick up Laura and Allie (l'd told them they were riding with me), I was driving like an old pro. Naturally, Laura thought I was nuts.
“Why did you want this old thing?” she asked as I helped her to load up her bass.
“I don't see why you're complaining,” I said. “Look at all the gear we can get in here.”
Fortunately, Allie saw it differently. “This is totally cool,” she said as she checked out my fridge, already stocked with soda and snacks. “You want me to do some decorative painting on the outside? Like they did in the seventies?”
“That'd be cool,” I said. “But I'll have to see sketches first.”
Then we did our Paradiso gig, and it was a blast. It's amazing how easy it seemed after what we've been doing. It was more like jamming with friends than really performing. And we took lots of breaks and hung out. Kike told us that the evening managed to earn about five hundred dollars for the homeless shelter. Not bad.
Then tonight, Allie and I went to our first Al-Anon meeting. Okay, we felt a little weird at first because it was mostly older people and wives or parents of people with alcohol problems. But when the leader started explaining things like enabling and codependency, I started paying attention. Wot so much for Laura, but I was thinking about Caleb. I know how much I'd like to help him change—and that's not bad—but until he wants to change for himself, my efforts would be useless. Perhaps even harmful.
“Addicts need to feel the pain of their own natural consequences,” the leader said. “The more they are protected from the results of their bad decisions, the longer it will take them to realize they need help.”
And so I'm praying that Caleb will feel the pain of his bad choices. I don't want God to kill him or anything. But a slap across the side of the head probably wouldn't hurt.
BRING HIM LOW
smack him down, God,
let him feel the pain
show him his loss
so he'll want the gain
knock him low, Lord,
flat in the dirt
till he begs 'mercy!'
let him feel the hurt
let him grovel
crawling in shame
let him feel like crud
till he cries Your name
then lift him up, God,
give him Your grace
bandage his wounds
let him see Your face
amen and amen
Twenty-Five
Friday, January 7
(FIRST WEEK IN SCHOOL)
It felt pretty weird to be back in school again. Kind of knocks you down a peg or two when your biology teacher throws a pop quiz that you're
totally unprepared for. But such is life.
After, the first few days, our friends started treating us like normal again. Well, other than Tiffany Knight who likes to glora on to me as if I were free ice cream. And maybe that's partly my fault because I was trying to be polite by answering her numerous e-mails while we were on the road. Actually, I tried to answer everyone's. But for some reason, Tiffany assumes that means we're best buds now. I'm sure she thinks it will help her popularity status, since she's been a lot more on the outside of things this year. Even Kerry treats her like she's got poison ivy.
Actually, I think Tiffany's meanness has finally caught up with her. Ifot that she's being so terribly mean these days, well, not so you'd notice. Although I did catch her making a fat comment about Marty Ruez today in the cafeteria. Naturally, I didn't let that comment fly. I think Tiffany had almost forgotten what a tough chick I can still be sometimes.
“How would you feel if someone said something like that about you?” I asked Tiffany point-blank at the drink machine. I've decided that I'm not the least worried about offending her—as long as what I'm saying is honest and not mean-spirited. I actually thought I might be able to drive her away earlier this week by talking about God and preaching at her a lot more. But so far that hasn't worked.
“What do you mean?” She looked at me with what I'm sure she must think are innocent blue eyes.
“I mean, how would you like someone to make a nasty comment about your appearance?”I said as Allie's elbow jabbed me in the ribs. She thinks I should try to ignore Tiffany.
“What's wrong with my appearance?” asked Tiffany.
“Well, you're not perfect, you know. Ve all have our flaws, but no one likes to hear them publicly announced in the cafeteria.”
“I just said what everyone knows is true. Someone like Marty Ruez should avoid things like greasy pizza and fries.”
“And who made you the diet police?” I jabbed a straw into my soda.
She just shrugged.
I picked up my tray. “All I'm saying, Tiffany, is that Jesus wants us to love everyone as much as we love ourselves. And I have a, feeling you love yourself pretty good.”I glanced at her designer threads and perfectly styled hair and makeup. It probably takes this girl a good two hours to get ready for school every morning.
“Hey, Marty,” I called, hurrying to catch her. “You want to sit with us today?”
Her face brightened with a smile. “Sure.” Then she noticed Tiffany coming behind me. I've never actually invited Tiffany to sit with me, but so far it's made no difference. “Oh, maybe not…”
“Hey, don't worry about her,” I whispered. “If she gets out of hand, we'll just preach at her.”
Marty laughed then followed me over to a table where Allie was just joining Cesar, Jake, Spencer, and Marissa. We've been trying to sit with different kids every day. Part of our reach-out campaign at Harrison High. But today Laura said she wanted to sit with her old friends. And Allie and I decided to eat with Cesar and the rest. I wasn't quite sure how Tiffany would handle our little crowd of misfits, but it could prove interesting. And at least it might make her rethink this somewhat frustrating devotion she seems to have toward me.
“Mind if we join you?” I asked.
“Of course not,” said Cesar. “Hey, Marty, how's it going?”
I glanced over my shoulder to see if Tiffany-was intimidated by these guys, but she seemed undeterred. I sat next to Cesar and Karty sat next to me, forcing Tiffany to sit across the table beside Karissa who was eyeing our newcomer with open curiosity if not downright hostility.
“What's up with you?” Karissa asked Tiffany in a slightly challenging tone. “Don't you usually try to hang with the preppies? Or have you been completely kicked out of their snooty little club?”
“It's okay, Karissa,”I said. “Tiffany's with me. And as far as I know this is a public place where people can sit where they like, right?”
Marissa scowled. “0h, yeah, sure, Ghloe. And I suppose I could march right over there and sit at the preppy table too. I'm sure they wouldn't say a thing about it either.”
“Do you think the day will ever come when we can all get along?” Cesar asked with a longing tone.
“Yeah, in heaven,” said Allie.
“Oh, great,” said Karissa. “Here comes the sermon for the day.”
Spencer rolled his eyes. “I think I'm gonna get me some fresh air.”
“Haven't you given up that old line, Spence?” I asked. “Why not just call a spade a spade and say you're going out for a smoke?”
“Yeah, sure, I'm gonna announce that to God and everyone.” He pushed back his chair.
“Why not?” said Allie. “And while you're at it, you could even admit that you're not smoking plain old tobacco either. Sheesh, it's not like everyone doesn't know it already.”
I nodded. “And it's not like what we think matters to you anyway. In fact, the only way you'll ever quit will be when you finally realize it's just a great big stupid trap and get totally sick of it.”
Allie's eyes lit up. “Hey, Spencer, did you know that Chloe and I are going to Al-Anon meetings now?”
“Al-Anon?” Spencer said with real interest. “You girls take up drinking on your big concert tour?” He laughed. “I heard that old Laura got herself hooked on drugs, but I know that can't be true.”
I looked him in the eye now. “As a matter of fact, it is true. Laura did get hooked on amphetamines as well as sleeping pills. She even admitted it on national TV.”
“You guys were really on national TV?” He looked slightly impressed now and had obviously missed my point.
“Where were you, Spencer?” injected Karissa. “I thought everyone in town watched that Jesus freak show.”
“Yeah? Well, I was probably out partying.” He grinned like he had some great secret to hide, like his drug life was something wonderful and exciting, even though we all knew otherwise.
“So what's up with Al-Anon?” asked Karissa. “Isn't that for alcoholics?”
“Actually, it's for friends and family of people with addiction problems. Allie and I agreed to go' for Laura's sake, not that she'll ever fall into that crud again. But we promised our recording company that we'd attend those meetings while Laura's doing her drug rehab thing.”
“You gotta be kidding,” said Spencer. “You saying that Ks. Perfect Laura Mitchell is actually in an honest-to-goodness drug rehab program?”
I nodded.
He laughed even louder now, slapping his thigh for emphasis. “Ifow that's just way too funny.”
“It's not that funny,” I said in a flat voice. He was really starting to tick me off now.
“Hey, I'll bet Laura would give you a ride to one of her meetings, Spencer,” said Allie. “Course, you'd probably be too chicken to go.”
Spencer shook his head. “I don't need no stupid rehab program. If I wanna quit, I'll just quit. Mo big deal.”
“It's not that easy,” Jake said in a quiet voice.
“Oh, no.” Spencer held his hands up like he was scared. “I think I hear that sermon coming on now.”
“Good for you, Jake.” Allie slapped him on the back. “You go ahead and preach it, brother.”
Jake grinned. “Yeah, well, I never would've gotten clean if it hadn't been for God in my life.”
“Amen!” I said with a raised fist. I noticed how Tiffany looked fairly uncomfortable just then. I'm sure she probably wished she were sitting at some other table.
Spencer stood. “Oh, man, I'm like so outta here.”
“And God can deliver you too, Spencer,” continued Jake in an evangelistic sounding tone that almost made me laugh, although I knew Jake was perfectly serious.
Spencer backed away. “Thanks, but no thanks.”
“We'll be praying for you, Spence,” Allie said with a grin.
“Praying that you figure out how you're heading down a dead-end street,” I added with a wink.
Spencer just frowned and shoo
k his head. “Yeah, itfs so nice having you Jesus freaks back at school,” he said with dripping sarcasm.
Cesar laughed. “Hey, I'm happy to have some more backup.”
“Me too,” added Jake.
We joked and bantered some more with Karissa jumping in about where Spencer had left off. But I don't think Tiffany said a single word during the whole time. I halfway expected her to get up and leave. And I'm sure she wondered what in the world she was doing sitting there. But it was her choice and her problem. At least she got to hear a little wholesome preaching. And who knows where that might lead.
Despite my mixed feelings for this girl, I actually think that if she really invited Jesus into her heart, she might start changing and become a more tolerable person. Okay, I know I'm supposed to love her in the same way that God does—unconditionally. But the sad truth is, I still need lots and lots of help with that challenge.
FOR NO REASON
in our despicable, hopeless, selfish existence
He loved us
for no reason
other than His nature
which is to love us
in our messed-up, loathsome,
clueless human condition
He loved us
for no reason
other than His nature
which is to love us
in our freaked-out, neurotic, desperate state
He loved us
for no reason
other than His nature
which is to love us
can't we at least try to do the same?
cm
Thursday, January 13
There's a winter dance tomorrow night, and Laura and Allie and I decided to go without dates! I remembered Caitlin telling me how she and Beanie and Jenny did the same thing once and had a really great time. (I think this was a piece of one of her nondating lectures.) Anyway, Laura and Allie both said they were game. Ifot all that surprising since Laura's still hoping that she and Ryan have a romantic future (he stopped by her house during Christmas break…), so she's not interested in any of the guys in high school.
And then, of course, Allie's still smitten with Brett, her beloved drummer boy from Iron Gross. They've been e-mailing each other pretty regularly. Actually, I'm thinking that's not such a bad thing since it keeps her from getting romantically involved with any guys at school. And believe me, she's' had her chances. I remember how that proved such a disaster last summer, and I sure don't want to see that happen again. Ifot that Allie would ever put herself in that kind of position again. And I'm sure that Brett wouldn't take advantage of her the way that slimebucket Taylor Russell did at the lake. But I suppose I still feel kind of protective of her in that regard.
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