Act of Contrition

by Linda Rettstatt

  “I’ll be here.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Thanks for staying with Kari. Again, I’m sorry about Jaclyn.” He moved to the door. “I’ll let you get back to your work. Talk to you soon.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Jenny opened her eyes, and a chasm opened in her heart. April twenty-sixth dawned, gray and rainy, thwarting her plan to cross to the island and spend the day with memories of Cooper. She lay in the stillness and waited for the shatter, waited for her heart to break once more.

  But it didn’t. It felt heavy and hard in her chest. Though it didn’t break as she had expected it to.

  She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. The cold hardwood floor numbed the soles of her feet. She considered lying back down and letting the numbness flood her. Her last conversation with Gavin kept her upright. He had asked her to imagine if Cooper had been the only one to survive the accident. Would she have wanted him to go on living and have a full life? The answer had come easily. Then Gavin turned the tables and asked, “Wouldn’t he want the same for you?”

  She put a pot of coffee on to brew, then sat on the cushioned window-seat and stared out at the bay. Mist shrouded Cooper’s island like a veil of tears. She smiled when she remembered Cooper’s childish, but creative explanation of fog—Dragon’s breath. He had made up a story about a dragon who lived on the far side of the island and, when it breathed, its breath became a cloud around the island. He even took her dragon hunting one day while they were visiting. When she asked why they hadn’t found the dragon, Cooper had simply shrugged and said, “You can’t see him because you don’t believe.”

  She asked, “Do you see him?”

  Cooper had nodded, his eyes gleaming, “When I want to. He’s right over there,” he’d whispered.

  When she looked in the direction he pointed, she saw a clump of blueberry bushes.

  Today, she needed to believe.

  An hour later, Jenny sat cross-legged in the middle of the living room, surrounded by boxes marked ‘Cooper’. Photographs, drawings, and mementos lay scattered around her. Remnants of her son. She picked up what had been Cooper’s favorite t-shirt and drew it to her face, closing her eyes. His smiling face appeared in her mind’s vision. His belly laugh fractured the silence.

  A knock at the door broke the spell. She tried to ignore the uninvited visitor, but another round of insistent knocking forced her to her feet. She opened the door to Patrick and Kari. “Hi.”

  Patrick studied her face. “Did we come at a bad time?”

  “No, I was just…” She glanced back at the disarray. “I was going through some boxes. Please, come in.”

  Kari grinned up at her. “Zenny!”

  “Hi, sweetie.” Jenny stepped back to let them enter. “I have coffee made, and juice for Kari.”

  He swept the room with his gaze. “Are you sure we’re not intruding? I stopped by to invite you to join us for lunch. Then we’re going to see Dad.”

  “I can’t. Not today. But, come and have a cup of coffee, at least.”

  Kari, now freed from her bulky jacket, raced into the living room and reached for a teddy bear that had been Cooper’s when he was her age. Jenny snatched it from her grasp. “No, Kari. That’s…”

  The child scrunched up her face and her chin quivered at the sudden admonishment.

  Jenny closed her eyes and drew in a breath. When she opened them, Patrick had reached for his daughter.

  “Jenny, I had no idea. It was a year ago.” He picked up Kari to console her.

  She nodded. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at her.” She looked at the stuffed animal in her hand and remembered nights when Cooper hugged the bear as he drifted to sleep. “I’m sorry, Kari.” She held out the bear and Kari warily eyed her before taking it.

  “Bear.”

  “Yes. You may have him. I’m sorry I yelled.”

  “Maybe we should leave,” Patrick said.

  “No. It’s fine. Let’s go out to the kitchen. Kari, do you want some juice?”

  Kari nodded, still clutching the worn brown bear.

  Jenny set a glass of juice on the table and gazed at Kari who was engaged in a hushed conversation with her newfound fuzzy friend. “I am sorry I over-reacted. Kids are amazing, aren’t they? So forgiving. And so imaginative. Cooper…” She faltered, but continued, “Cooper used to make up stories. I was sure he’d become a writer one day.”

  Patrick didn’t respond. His eyes remained fixed on her face.

  “I had planned to go over the island today,” Jenny said.

  “I’m glad you thought better of it, or I might be fishing you out of the bay again.” Patrick accepted the mug of steaming brew. “What were you planning to do over there?”

  She hesitated. “Hunt dragons.”

  Kari headed off the need for an explanation by tipping over the remainder of her juice. Patrick leaped to his feet and grabbed a dishcloth from the sink, sopping up the liquid. “Sorry. We should be going.”

  Jenny didn’t stop him.

  At the door, he asked, “Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to come by later?”

  “No, but thanks. I think I’ll drive down to Boston and take flowers to the cemetery. I’ll probably stay the night at Ashley’s place.”

  “Call me tomorrow?” he asked.

  “When I get back.”

  Patrick patted his daughter on the head. “Give Jenny the bear.”

  Jenny bent down and zipped up Kari’s jacked. “Keep him.” She leaned forward, brushing her cheek against the bear’s head. “He was very much loved once. You love him, now. Okay?”

  She was rewarded with a full smile.

  “What do you say, Kari?” Patrick asked.

  “Thank you, Zenny.”

  Without warning, Kari leaned forward and planted a sloppy kiss on Jenny’s cheek.

  “You’re welcome, sweetie.” Jenny tugged up the hood of the jacket and tied a bow in the string. “Keep warm out there.”

  Jenny closed the door behind them and leaned her forehead against the cool wood. Giving the bear to Kari had been easy. The fear of losing pieces of her son was another matter.

  ****

  By the time Jenny reached Cambridge, clouds had given way to bright sunshine. Her feet swished across the manicured surface of the cemetery to the Barnes’ family plot. She stared at the left side of the double headstone: Matthew A. Barnes—Loving son, husband, and father…

  On the right side, etched in the granite were the words: Cooper W. Barnes—Our Angel.

  Then it hit her. She had no place here.

  She would not be buried next to her son when her time came. And she wondered why, if she didn’t believe, this held so much importance.

  In the distance a motor purred and the aroma of freshly mowed grass wafted around her. She knelt and plucked away a few blades of grass before arranging a spring bouquet in the permanent vase situated in the center between the two headstones. She placed her palm over Cooper’s name. The cold of the granite shot up her arm. Then came the tears. Not until someone placed a hand on her shoulder did she realize she was no longer alone. She turned her head and faced Susan Barnes.

  At Jenny’s glance, Susan withdrew her hand. “I’m sorry. I can come back.”

  “No. Stay.” Jenny stood. “Please. Look, I know we have differences. But we’re both grieving. We’ve both lost so much.” She glanced past her former mother-in-law to where William Barnes stood as solidly as the statues marking some of the graves. She looked down at the lavish bouquet in Susan’s hand and at the one she had placed on the graves.

  Susan bent and split her bouquet in half, then removed half of the flowers in the vase. “These blend nicely, don’t you think?”

  “They do.”

  Susan stood shakily and meshed the remainder of the flowers into a single bunch. “What should we do with these?”

  Jenny turned and pointed to a grave she had observed at her last visit. The headstone indicated the woman
buried there had been ninety-six when she died. There was no mention of her status in a family. “Let’s put them here. I never see flowers at this grave.” The vase set beneath the headstone had filled with black water. She emptied the brine and arranged the flowers.

  Susan gazed at her. “You’re a kind person. I’m sorry I never knew that.” Her gaze shifted to where William remained near his car. “He’s having a hard time. I know he comes here alone. We each have our grief, but we can’t seem to share it with one another.” She drew in a deep breath. “Well, I’d better be going.”

  “Susan, wait. There will be a memorial service in Miley’s Cove on Saturday afternoon at my cottage. Would you and William like to come?”

  Shaking her head, Susan said, “No. But thank you for inviting us. It’s just… William—”

  Jenny nodded. “He’s angry with me.”

  “He’s angry with everyone.”

  The sadness in Susan Barnes’ eyes told Jenny that William’s anger had driven a wedge in their marriage, as well.

  With a forced smile, Susan said goodbye and headed to the car where her husband waited.

  Jenny stood for moment longer at the grave, considering what had happened. Had she and Susan Barnes made peace with one another?

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Saturday began overcast, but brightened as Greg and Shelly set up chairs on the lawn facing Cooper’s Island. Jenny, a knot of anxiety twisting in her stomach, busied herself in the kitchen preparing a pasta salad.

  When a car eased down the driveway and Gavin emerged. Jenny dried her hands and hurried out to greet him. “You found it okay?”

  “Great directions.” He reached back into the car and removed a bible and a duffle bag.

  “Come inside. Can I get you anything?” Jennie directed him to the front door.

  “Coffee?”

  He followed Jenny through the house and into the kitchen. “This is charming house.”

  “Thanks. Let me show you to the guest room while the coffee brews.” She poured water into the coffeemaker and then led him down the hall to her childhood bedroom.

  Gavin dropped his bag next to the bed and gazed around the room. “This was your room?”

  “How did you guess?”

  “It’s very… pink.”

  “The other spare room was changed into a den. I’ve been meaning to repaint this room. Come on. I’ll introduce you to my friends.”

  Shelly and Greg were entering the house as Jenny led Gavin back to the living room. She made introductions. When Greg asked if Gavin could move his car because he needed to go out to get ice, Gavin told him to hop in and give directions.

  “He’s cute,” Shelly said after the two men had pulled out of the driveway.

  “He’s a priest.”

  “He’s still cute. I like him.”

  Jenny grinned. “I do, too. He’s a good friend. Shelly, thanks for pulling this together. It means a lot to me.”

  Shelly put an arm around her. “Are you sure you’re okay with my kids being here?”

  “Absolutely. Did… uh… did Patrick say if he would be here?”

  “He’s not sure he’ll make it. He had a meeting at the rehab about his dad.”

  “Oh.”

  Shelly faced her. “What’s going on with you and Patrick?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Well, maybe something should.”

  Jenny shook her head. “Not today, Shelly. Please.”

  “You’re right.”

  Greg and Gavin returned as Jenny set the last of the food in the fridge. Shelly had invited everyone who knew Jenny or her grandparents. Cars soon jammed the driveway and lined along the road behind the cottage.

  When Shelly announced it was time to move outside, Jenny’s palms dampened. She had been in the hospital and unable to attend Matt and Cooper’s funeral. This would be her official goodbye. She picked up the box containing roses that would be handed out for each person to toss into the bay as a symbolic farewell.

  Gavin, clad in black clerics and wearing priestly garb stitched with doves outlined in gold, stepped up beside her and squeezed her hand. “I’m right here.”

  She squeezed back. “Thank you.”

  He led her to a chair in the front, and then stood and faced the gathering. He introduced himself and thanked everyone for coming. As he opened his bible to read a passage, footsteps crunched in the driveway. Jenny looked back expecting to see Patrick. Instead, Susan Barnes wobbled on heels as she made her way to the chairs.

  Jenny met her gaze and motioned her to the front, moving over to give Susan her seat.

  Gavin continued with his reading, then closed the bible and glanced over the seated group. “We gather here today to remember the lives of Matthew Barnes and Cooper Barnes. Lives cut far too short, yet lived fully. I won’t pretend to have known Matt or Cooper. But this gathering is obviously a testament to love. Some of you knew Matt and Cooper. Some of you are here today to show your support to Jenny. Scripture speaks of the gifts of faith, hope, and love. We come here in faith, because we love and are loved, and with the hope that we will meet those we love once again when we join them in God’s presence.”

  Susan began to weep. Jenny reached for her hand.

  Gavin spoke about the quality of love and how a full life cannot be measured by years, but by the joy that life has brought to others. He then invited the guests to come forward and take a rose to toss into the bay in memory of both Matt and Cooper.

  Jenny was the last to stand. She picked up a deep red rose and then offered one to Susan. “Come with me. Please?” Jenny stood and watched the flowers mingle with the waves that washed them toward the rocks, carrying them back out into the bay. She lifted her gaze toward the island. For just a moment, she could have sworn she saw a dragon rear its head and blow out a puff of smoke.

  “Jenny?” Susan touched her elbow. “What is it?”

  “It’s…nothing.” She pressed a hand to her heart. I saw him, Cooper. I saw your dragon.

  ****

  Greg and Shelly were the last to leave. “Greg and I will return the chairs to the church hall,” Shelly said, giving Jenny a hug.

  “Thank you so much.”

  “You’re welcome. I was surprised your mother-in-law showed up.”

  “I invited her. But it didn’t sound like she planned to come. I’m glad she did, though.”

  “I’m sorry Patrick didn’t make it.”

  Jenny shrugged. “He has a lot going on.”

  Shelly nodded. “I’ll talk to you soon. Call me if you need to talk.”

  Jenny returned to the kitchen to find Gavin emptying the dishwasher. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “It’s nearly done. How about if you show me around Miley’s Cove later and I treat you to dinner?”

  “Showing you around Miley’s Cove will take all of fifteen minutes. As for dinner, there aren’t many places.”

  “I saw a seafood restaurant on my way into town. Just let me change into street clothes.”

  While she waited, Jenny checked her cell phone. No missed calls.

  Gavin soon reappeared. “Ready to go?”

  “I’ll get my keys.”

  “I’ll drive. You can navigate.”

  Jenny directed him into the heart of town, giving him the history of the Cove and pointing out businesses that had been in operation since her childhood. They stood at the pier, flanked by fishing boats and charters.

  “It’s another world up here,” Gavin said.

  “Yes. A good world. It was a great place to grow up.”

  “The turnout today was a testament to that. The people here love you.”

  Jenny nodded. “The service was beautiful. It almost seemed as if you knew Matt and Cooper. The things you said about Matt meant a lot to his mother. Where’d you get all that?”

  He shrugged. “I just said the things I think my mom would like to hear about me.”

  “You’re a nice man. You know that?”
r />   “Can I have that in writing for the Bishop? By the way, where was Ashley today?”

  “She had to fly to the California on business. She felt terrible, but I tried to assure her she was a rock for me when I needed her most and that I’d have other people with me today. She was going to cancel the trip, but Harbor Lights is establishing a new office out there. I was supposed to go with her.”

  They returned to the car and headed out of town. Gavin parked outside the Sea Shanty—a rustic structure of faded wood and nautical posts at the entrance linked by worn rope. “Is this place okay for dinner?”

  “Best seafood in town. And the only restaurant besides the diner.”

  Inside they chose a table near the windows that overlooked the water. Gavin thoroughly enjoyed a huge pile of crab legs and lobster. Jenny chased a broiled shrimp around her plate.

  “Not hungry?” Gavin asked.

  Jenny shook her head. “I’m exhausted, if you want the truth.”

  He tossed his napkin next to his plate. “Then let’s go.”

  “You can have dessert. I don’t mind.”

  “Oh, I will. I happen to know there’s still a slice of Shelly’s cheesecake in your fridge.”

  The evening air had cooled. While Jenny put on water for tea, Gavin set about building a fire. They settled on the sofa. Jenny soon fought to keep her head up.

  “Jenny, go to bed. You don’t have to entertain me.”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t keep my eyes open.” She stood. “What time do you have to leave?”

  “Early. I’d like to be on the road by seven-thirty.” He crossed the room and gave her a hug. “Sleep well.”

  She did. Whether it was emotional exhaustion from the day or Gavin’s presence in the house, Jenny slept soundly. She woke to the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. After a light breakfast, she followed Gavin out to his car.

  He stowed his bag in the trunk then turned around and hugged her. “Your friends helped you say goodbye yesterday. I hope this is a turning point for you, Jenny. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting.”

  She hugged him back. “Thanks for being such a good friend.”