Rory

by Jordan Marie

  “Don’t do this,” she whispers.

  “Do what?”

  “Don’t ask me to be honest with you when my defenses are down. I’m not equipped.”

  “I need to know, Rory. I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall repeatedly here. I know you have reason to hate me—”

  “I don’t hate you, Noah. It’d be easier if I could, but I don’t hate you.”

  “That’s something at least,” I respond with a sigh. “I’m sorry I let you down, Rory,” I tell her.

  “I am too,” she murmurs, confirming my worst fears, she blames me for everything. She should. It is all my fault, but still it hurts to hear it from her lips. I’m the reason she lost our baby. I’m the reason she was hurt. I failed. I couldn’t protect her or Ryan. I failed them when they needed me the most. “What are you doing?” she gasps as I push her hands out of the way and finish unbuttoning her pants.

  “You can’t sleep in jeans, Rory. You need to be comfortable.”

  “I am comfortable!” she hisses, but I ignore her and pull her jeans down. I do my best to ignore the soft pale green panties she’s wearing. I mostly fail at that, but I resist reaching in my pants to adjust my cock and that feels like I should win some kind of medal. I pull on the covers and Rory scrambles to help me, diving under them. She looks decidedly less drunk now, although she still has a soft, hazy look to her eyes. “I can’t believe you just did that,” she mutters.

  “Let it go, Rory. I get the message.”

  “What’s the message?” she asks.

  “I’ll talk to you in the morning. You should be fine tonight. Ryan is with his friends, but if he needs anything, I’ll tell him to come to me. You rest.”

  “I like when Ryan is here,” she whispers sounding lost. “I love him, Noah.”

  “I know you do, Rory.”

  “Don’t take him from me,” she whispers, breaking my heart.

  “I would never do that, Gorgeous. Never,” I vow.

  “Okay,” she whispers.

  “Okay,” I repeat, feeling a bone deep sadness that I’m afraid will never leave. “Do you need anything else?”

  She shakes her head slightly to tell me no, and I limp my way to the door, turning off the light as I make it to the door.

  “Noah?” she whispers in the darkness.

  “Yeah, sweetheart?”

  “Can you…”

  “Can I what, Rory?” I ask, knowing I’d give her anything, but I need to hurry and get out of here. It’s killing me to be this close, knowing she might as well be a world away.

  “Will you stay with me tonight? No… I mean I don’t want to… I…”

  “Just tell me, Rory. It’s okay. You’re safe with me,” I tell her, hearing the sadness and the fear in her voice. I can also hear the embarrassment, and I never want her to be embarrassed around me.

  “Tomorrow I’ll be strong again, but tonight… Can you just stay and hold me? Just keep the shadows at bay so I can sleep?” she whispers.

  “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” I admit. I close the door, holding my head against it for a minute. If it was possible for a man to be torn in two, I definitely am at this moment. I want to hold Rory all night, more than anything else in my life right now. At the same time, I know it’s going to kill me to hold the woman I love, knowing that when the sun comes up in the morning she will go back to calling me Diesel and pushing me away.

  It’s no less than I deserve, but God knows it’s going to kill me.

  38

  Rory

  I come awake, sweat, cold and clammy, on my skin. It’s pitch black and memories of the dream are still right there, making my breathing uneven and my pulse beat erratically.

  “Rory?”

  My head jerks hard toward the voice and slowly it dawns on me that Noah, not Ryan, is with me tonight. I wake up with the nightmare often, but I don’t bother containing it, because Ryan sleeps soundly. I thought having Noah close would keep the demons at bay. I was wrong and now he’s seen me weak.

  “I… I’m fine,” I whisper, embarrassed.

  “You don’t look fine. You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Noah argues.

  He moves up on the bed, using the headboard to rest his back. Then, he pulls me into his body. At first, I try to resist, but I don’t really want to, and it’s token resistance at best.

  “It’s dark, Noah. You can’t tell what I look like,” I mutter, just to argue.

  “I can see from the moon shining in the window,” he says kissing the top of my head. Something shifts in my chest at that innocent kiss, or maybe it’s having his arms around me and being curled into his body. Maybe that’s what lets my defenses ease. I’m not sure, but I do know being here like this… I feel warm, whereas before I’ve felt nothing but coldness inside of me forever.

  I’ve been cold since the day I thought Noah died. I didn’t get better with time. I just became… frozen.

  “I should worry about how good this feels,” I tell him softly. His body stiffens at my words, his hand stops rubbing on my arm—just for mere seconds, but I notice it.

  “You don’t have reason to believe me, sweetheart, I know that. But, I swear to you, I won’t hurt you again.”

  “I’m not sure I’m ready to believe that, Noah,” I tell him honestly.

  “That’s okay. I’ll prove it to you. It will just take time.”

  I swallow down the fear his words conjure deep inside.

  “Why, Noah? Why put in the effort?” I ask him, not understanding.

  He’s silent after my question and I think maybe he’s not planning on answering. I decide to let it go. Maybe he’ll realize that I’m not worth the effort. I’m not. I couldn’t even protect my own child…

  “I spent my life looking for a place I belonged. I never had that, Rory, not once, except with my grandfather. I left everything behind when I went into service. I was lucky enough to fight beside some men who felt like I did, but they had forged their own kind of family. Dragon, Crusher, Bull… all of them, really. They came together as brothers. They left all of the other bullshit behind and they forged a family together. They didn’t care about society rules or judgments. They didn’t care about the color of their skin, or where they came from. It was all about the brotherhood and I wanted that. But, even with them, there was a part of me that felt I didn’t fit in. So, when I got out of the service, I talked to Dragon and I got another chapter of Savage Brothers started. I wanted to create a legacy that my children could grow surrounded by, and one that my woman could rely on. I wanted them surrounded by family and good men they could count on—even if something happened to me.”

  “They are good men,” I whisper, my heart barely beating. Noah has never opened himself up and told me things like this. I’m afraid I’ll do something to make him stop, and I’m afraid he’ll keep going, too. If he lets me all the way in, what does that mean? Can I trust him again? Do I want to?

  “They are, but I was jealous of them,” he responds. I gasp in surprise, because I never would have guessed that in a million years and I’m really shocked that Noah would admit that to me. “I know that’s fucked-up,” he chuckles, letting me know he heard my astonishment. “It’s the truth, though. They had everything I wanted, and couldn’t seem to grasp. They had the brotherhood, they had a family. They had women they adored and they were good women. The likes that I have never met in my life.”

  His words hurt me, and I’m sure they aren’t designed to—but they do. Still, I don’t react. I close my eyes and just listen.

  “I never planned on having Ryan like I did. I wanted children, but I wanted them with a woman that I knew would be there forever. I wanted my child to always have the influence of a good woman’s touch, because I had never known that and I knew it was important.”

  “I’m not sure, Noah. My mother was a good woman, at least that was who she became when she met my stepfather and married him. Before that, it hurts to talk about. But even while she was good�
�� it didn’t help my brother at all.”

  “I don’t know that story, Gorgeous. I hope someday you will give it to me, but I can tell you that you are everything fucking good there is in this world and if your mother struck out on helping her son, she gave everything she had to you—because you’re everything.”

  His compliment takes my breath. I could write them off as just words, but they don’t feel like words. They feel… real. I want to believe them. I don’t… I don’t trust Noah. But I want to.

  Noah seems to understand my struggle because he squeezes me and kisses the top of my head again, pulling my face even deeper on his chest where I’m resting. The small move brings my ear against his heart and I can hear it beating… strong and steady.

  “I planned on never having children until I found the woman I thought I could lay it all down for. I was determined that I wouldn’t settle and I took precautions. I was always careful. You’ve been here long enough that you’ve seen the boys party. I might have tried that once or twice, but that was never who I was. I didn’t want that part of the life. I had this dream and I wanted exactly that… the dream.

  “Then how did, I mean… Vicki…” I start to ask my question, but stop. I don’t know why Noah is sharing, but it’s really not my place to pry.

  “Ask, Rory. I want you to ask me anything. I want you to trust me and I’m going to be an open book for you.”

  “It may not change anything, Noah. I can’t… I’m not the person I was in Montana. I’ll never be that person again. I’ve lost too much.” I feel compelled to warn him of that.

  He kisses my head again, and he squeezes me so tight that it’s almost painful.

  “I have to try, Rory. I have to believe all hope is not lost and that you might give me another shot. If I lost that hope, I think I would die.”

  “That’s crazy. You have Ryan,” I remind him. He kisses me again, and I can feel his breath stir against my hair. I wait for him to respond, to agree that he has Ryan, but he doesn’t. He comes back to my question.

  “Vicki was… she hid her addiction from me at first. It wasn’t hard to do. Maybe it wasn’t as bad back then, or I just never noticed because I didn’t spend that much time around her. I never realized her habit until it was too late. But, whatever the reason, she wasn’t with a lot of the other brothers in the club and I liked that. I’m not a man to share, even if what I’m getting isn’t what I plan on keeping. I like knowing that what I get, she’s not giving the others when she leaves my room,” he says, his voice matter of fact, and my lips curl in distaste.

  I mean, I know how the world works, and this kind of sums up people’s attitude with sex today, but it’s not who I am. I’ve always given a piece of myself and with Noah… I gave him everything.

  “So, even back then, with Vicki, I was careful—very fucking careful, but condoms aren’t a hundred percent. Things happen,” he sighs and I know he’s talking about something else completely. I shouldn’t take his words and hurt over them… but I do.

  “Maybe you shouldn’t tell me this story,” I whisper, pain thick in my voice.

  “Jesus,” Noah growls.

  He moves quickly, jarring me—but he does it so fast that I barely have time to blink and he’s moved so I’m lying on a pillow and he’s over me. He turns on a lamp that’s by the bedside and then his hands are on each side of my face. He doesn’t allow me to look away from him. He keeps me right where he wants me. His intense gaze holding me as much a prisoner as his hands.

  “Don’t get this twisted up, Rory. This is why I’m telling you. I held others at bay because I was waiting for the one. You, I met after I had given up hope. You, I tried to keep at a distance because I knew—as fucked up as I was, I knew.”

  “Knew what?” I ask him, my lips dry, my heart pounding.

  “I knew that I gave up too soon. I let the past change me and I gave up my dream.”

  “Noah…”

  “Do you know how much that hurt, Rory? How much it burned, that I gave up on what I wanted most, took steps to make sure I never gave another woman my babies and then you showed up?”

  “Noah… please, don’t…”

  “I fucking gave up and I made sure I’d never have the one thing I always wanted and then I have you in my bed and you in my life and there I was Rory. Falling in love, even when I knew I shouldn’t, even when I knew what a fucker fate was and that I’d never be able to keep you. But I couldn’t stay away and then you hit me with the big one. The one thing I honestly believed wasn’t physically possible. You told me you were pregnant.”

  “Noah,” I cry, not wanting to relive the past, not wanting to remember anything about the pain and as bad as it is to acknowledge… Right now, I don’t want to remember anything to do with my child that I lost… The piece of Noah that I will never get back and the piece of myself that I will mourn until the day that I die.

  “I’m not saying this to hurt you, Rory. Swear to God, I’m not. But you need to know why I was the way I was. I gave up. I did the one thing I could to protect myself. I had a vasectomy and in doing that, I brought death to my dream. I never planned on you. I was sure you were just a dream I’d never hold. I didn’t think you truly existed, not after everything I had been through.”

  My hands come up to hold his, to pull them away from my face. I need to leave. I need to get away. I don’t want to hear this. I just… can’t.

  “I don’t want to hear this, Noah. Let me go,” I plead.

  He doesn’t listen. Instead, he lays his forehead against mine.

  “I was dealing with the fact that I had this woman in my bed, in my life, a woman who was even better than the old dreams I had… I was dealing with the fact that even though I had you, I could never give you my child. That I had killed my dream, that I had given up too fucking soon.”

  “God, please stop,” I whisper brokenly, tears falling from my eyes, even though I try to stop them.

  “And you tell me that I was wrong, that you are giving me everything. You were giving me my dreams, Rory, when I had just come to terms with the fact that I killed any chance of the life I wanted. When I was just coming to terms that I should just be grateful that Ryan was going to know your love. I had convinced myself that it was enough and you… blew it all to hell.”

  “I didn’t lie. I’ve never lied to you! I loved you!” I scream the words at him and they feel like they’re torn from my soul. “I loved you,” I cry, the words so broken they sound tortured. Broken, because that’s what I am now… broken.

  “And I love you, Rory. God, I’m a fucking asshole, but I love you and that love terrified me.”

  “Are you done now?” I ask, taking gulping breaths in between sobs. I need to run away. I just need to run the fuck away.

  “No, baby. When it comes to you, I’ll never be done. I’ll always keep trying, I don’t have a choice. Without you, nothing else matters, Rory.”

  “Fine. I understand. I know why you treated me the way you did. I know why you rejected me. You’re forgiven. You can move on with a clear conscious,” I tell him.

  “You don’t get it, Gorgeous.”

  “Don’t get what?” I ask, suddenly so tired that I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a hundred years.

  “You’re not a fence I’m trying to mend, Rory. You’re the reason I’m still breathing. You’re everything, Gorgeous. Every. Fucking. Thing.”

  39

  Diesel

  I never meant to bring the conversation to this point, but I’m not sorry I did. I need her to understand. More importantly, I need her to let me back in.

  “It’s not all about you, Noah,” she whispers. “I get what you want, I do, but it’s not all about you,” she says again. “I’m not the same. I’ll never be the same.”

  “I get that, Gorgeous. I get it more than you will ever know.

  “What happens if I can’t be her again?”

  “Sweetheart, you are her.”

  “But, I’m not. Not really, N
oah. I’m not the same and…”

  “And what, Rory. Tell me.”

  “What if all I will ever be is… what I am now?” she whispers, and she sounds so broken, so scared that it hurts me.

  I did this to her. I didn’t do all of it, but I did my fair share of damage.

  “I loved you then, Rory. I love you more now.”

  “Noah—”

  “We all change, Rory. No one stays the same. I’ve changed, and in my case, that’s a good thing. I don’t know what our future holds, but I can tell you one thing and it’s a promise.”

  “What?” she whispers, tears silently streaming down her face still. I can’t stand the sight of them, because I know I’m the one that helped put that pain inside of her.

  “If you let me in—if you let me just get my foot in the door, I swear that I will work my ass into the ground so that you never have a reason to regret it.”

  “Noah.”

  “I swear to Christ, Rory. I’ll never give you a reason to regret it,” I vow again.

  “I’m so tired, Noah,” she whispers quietly. “I’m just so tired of trying to keep fighting.”

  “Then stop, Rory. Stop and lean on me. I’ll keep you safe. I’ll protect you and Ryan. I won’t let you down again. Rest and lean on me. Let me fight for you.”

  “I’m scared.”

  “I’ll take that fear away too, Rory. Eventually I’ll take it all away. I promise you.”

  “I’m not sure, Noah. Will you hate me if I tell you that I need time?”

  “I could never hate you, Rory,” I tell her, my chest hurting because I wasn’t able to break through to her, at least not completely. I won’t stop though. I thought earlier, before she asked me to stay with her that it was completely over, at least now I have hope and that’s enough to keep me going.

  I move on the bed so I’m on my side and then I pull Rory and help her move to her side too. Her back is pressed against my front. I curse the clothes I have on, wishing my sweat pants didn’t stop me from feeling her soft legs.