Totem

  “How about Shrek?” Michelle asks.

  “That’s a good movie.” I respond.

  “Ugh,” says Andrew. “I have seen that movie way too many times.”

  “Ok,” replies Michelle continuing her search. “How about Harry Potter?!”

  I smile as my microwave dings at me. Michelle is a closet nerd when it comes to Harry Potter. Her younger brother got her hooked on it. Now she gets excited any chance she can for that wand wielding child wizard. It is quite entertaining to say the least.

  “I know that is your thing, Michelle,” replies Andrew, “but it is not my thing. Do you have any adult movies?”

  Michelle shoots him a look. Andrew grins and shrugs his shoulders enjoying every little moment of diva behavior he is inflicting on poor Michelle. She turns her attention back to the stack of movies in her plastic box as she searches for something that will appease Andrew.

  “What about My Big Fat Greek Wedding?” Michelle says it hesitantly almost like she expects Andrew to turn it down.

  “I love that movie.” Says Andrew. “That guy in it is hot. He is hotter in Sex and the city, but still, he is fuckable in this movie too.”

  “Are you ok with that Kimber?” Michelle looks over at me.

  “Of course, I am.”

  I smile at Michelle reassuring her that it is fine. We found a movie that Andrew agreed on and I am not going to have Michelle look through any more of those movies. Besides, I like that movie. I grab my lean pocket and cup of healthy vegetables and make my way to my bed. I learned quickly that space is limited in dorm life. Often the places you would sit to eat at home are not readily available for you here. So my bed becomes a make shift couch for guests as well as an eat-in kitchenette for meals. It is college life at its finest. The icing on the cake would have been boxed wine out of plastic cups, but we had finished that off last week. Michelle pops in the movie. She turns on her desk light and flips off the main light before climbing into her bed beside Andrew.

  “You don’t want to join us over here?” Andrew asks patting the small space not inhabited by them.

  “I’ll cuddle with you two when I’m done eating. Right now, I need some elbow room.”

  I never did make my way over to Michelle’s bed. The dim lights and my full stomach caused my mind to drift off. I only woke when I heard a knock on the door. Quickly I pop awake. My eyes are still heavy from the food coma I had fallen in to. Michelle pops out of bed and saunters over to the door. I look up at the television to see the main character dressed in that monstrous wedding dress and smile. I unintentionally slept through the whole movie. Michelle stands on her tippy toes and looks out the peep hole at the unexpected visitor. Even in the dim light of her desk lamp clear across the room I can see Michelle’s face light up with a brilliant smile as she recognizes the person outside our door. Quickly she flings open the door. She pops out her hip accentuating her curves.

  “Hey stranger.” She jests in a flirtatious manner.

  “Hey yourself.” The familiar voice chimes from the bright hallway.

  Daniel steps into the room carrying a twelve pack of light beer and a movie. Directly behind him is Jake. I smile and wave at the two of them. Jake flashes me a dimple filled grin from underneath his floppy hair and baseball cap. It is typical Jake. Immediately I feel a little bad. I have been so stuck on Ty that it has been forever since I have talked to Jake. He shrugs his shoulders as he points at Daniel as if saying this was all his idea.

  “Hey Andrew,.” Daniel waves to acknowledge Andrew in the bed.

  A small bit of tension is in Daniel’s face as he sizes up Andrew in Michelle’s bed, but it is gone almost instantly. Perhaps Daniel is reminding himself of Andrew’s sexual preferences. Under his scrutiny, I see Andrew correct his posture out of the corner of my eye as he sits up straight. His face gets a little more serious even with a smile as he waves to Daniel and Jake.

  The sight makes me frown a little inside. I have seen Andrew do this time and time again when he is around straight guys that he does not know very well. He puts up a guard. It is imperceptible to the casual onlooker, but to me, I see it. Each move seems to be calculated and controlled. It is as if Andrew is scared to be his own person around them. On one hand, I understand. You don’t want to give them a reason to dislike you right from the start. Perhaps he has tried to be himself from the very beginning before only to have backlash and ridicule. On the other hand, maybe the person Michelle and I have grown to love and accept is all a show. Maybe Andrew is really this guarded person we see when he is around other guys and only we bring out the fun loving Andrew. Either way, I wish Andrew would just be who he is meant to be whether it is our carefree Andrew or this guarded one. I hope the carefree, slightly sassy and all too happy one is the real him. Hopefully one day we will know for sure.

  “So I was staying in the dorm tonight and needed a study break.” Daniel explains talking mostly to Michelle. “How does beer and a movie sound?”

  “That sounds great. We are almost finished with this movie then we can pop yours in.”

  Michelle tilts her head to the side and pulls back her shoulders pushing out her chest. Daniel’s eyes stay resolutely fixed on hers and you can see the extra effort it takes for him not to look down.

  “Great,” says Daniel.

  He places the twelve pack of beer on my empty chair. He rips open the box and begins handing out beers to all in the room. Jake walks over to my bed. I tap the empty spot beside me signaling for him to hop up. He smiles widely as he leaps into the vacant spot.

  “Hey stranger,” Jake says mimicking Michelle.

  “Hey yourself,” I state copying Daniels response.

  We both laugh. Michelle sticks out her tongue at us as she crawls back into the bed with Andrew who has a smug look on his face as if he got the girl. Daniel hands her a beer and takes a seat in the chair in front of her. Playfully Michelle places her feet on Daniel’s back. We all settle in to watch the last fifteen minutes of the movie. Jake and I begin to whisper quietly.

  “So I haven’t seen you in a while.” states Jake.

  “Yeah,” I reply. “I have been a little busy.”

  I shrug apologetically. All my spare time has been spent with Ty. Now that he is gone, I seem to spend all my time busying myself to keep my mind off of him. For some reason though, Jake never came to mind. I kick myself for letting time lapse so much without talking to him.

  “So what have you been up to?” I ask making small talk.

  “The usual,” shrugs Jake. “There is school and fraternity and work with the occasional passionate weekend romances that end when the sun rises Monday morning.”

  “Oh really?”

  “No, no romances,” replies Jake, “but it made you jealous right?”

  “Only slightly,” I joke.

  Jake smiles and I can see those cute boyish dimples in the dim light. He lightly taps my leg as his attention turns towards the television. His touch makes me all too aware of our close proximity as I second guess myself for letting him up into my bed. My gesture is completely harmless. I am merely offering a friend a place to sit in a room with limited seats but I cannot help but feel a slight tinge of guilt as if I am doing something wrong. It is as if I was in some way cheating on Ty. The thought is absurd. Despite my feelings for Ty and our slew of dates, we still have not established what we are. This according to me leaves me open to date whomever I want.

  The truth is I only have eyes for Ty. He has captivated me in a way that I have never been captivated before. Not only that, I feel no threat with Jake in my bed. Jake is a friend. Friends fall into an entirely different category in my book and rarely do the categories ever change. Poor Jake has entered the friend zone way before he ever had a shot. I let out a sigh resolving my inner conflict and crack open the beer in my hand. I take a swig and watch the movie still all too aware of the sleepy feeling still left from my nap.

  Within a few minutes, the movie is over and Michelle is hopping
out of her bed to go change the DVD. Daniel hops up to help her. Michelle gives him a flirtatious smile as he leans in extra close to her.

  “Well, this has been fun.” Andrew begins crawling out of the bed. “But I need to go finish my homework. Thanks for the beer. I’ll see you two boo’s later.”

  I shoot Andrew my scrutinizing squinty eyes as he walks across the room. I know full well he doesn’t do his homework. He is just looking for a way out of the room. He flashes me a devious smile as he reaches for the door knob. I know he is just leaving because he feels like the fifth wheel, but he is definitely my safety net in this situation. He gives me a ‘thumbs up’ as he closes the door leaving us alone on what has now turned into a double date with drinks and a movie. Mentally I remind myself to get back at Andrew later. I chug the rest of my beer hoping it will calm my nerves.

  “Want another?” Jake asks.

  “Yes, please.” I smile.

  Jake takes the empty can from my hand. He hops off the bed and walks over to the trashcan to throw it away. Without words, he points to Daniel and Michelle who both signal they are ready for another beer. He hands them each another one as he grabs one for me and himself. Like a true gentleman, he opens my beer before handing it to me. I thank him as I take a swig. Not like a gentleman, he hops into the bed landing close to me so that our legs touch. I feel my heart begin to pick up as my skin registers the contact points. I look at Jake and he has on a dimple filled smile of innocence. I shrug off the hormones that begin to rise up from inside me.

  This is Jake here. I think to myself. He is just a friend. This is all just innocent friend-like gestures. Michelle and I sit this close all the time.

  I take another big swig of beer as the movie flicks on. Michelle and Daniel both hop up into her bed. I glance over at the two of them. Daniel places an arm around Michelle. She nuzzles into his chest looking very comfortable and happy in the little nook that has formed for her. I am happy for her. This is what she wants which is for Daniel to appreciate her. I wonder if he knows about all the other guys she goes on dates with. I shrug the thought off. He hasn’t committed to her. She is free to date whomever she pleases. I’m sure he does the same. I turn my attention back to the movie. In true guy form, it is an action packed movie. I usually love a good ass kicking movie but for some reason I am not feeling it. I am more in the mood for a hopeless romantic type of flick. Perhaps it is the absence of Ty that makes me long for romance. I let out an audible sigh.

  “Tired?” Jake asks.

  I look into his eyes and smile. He is really a great guy and a good friend. It’s just hard for me to decipher and separate the guys that are here to be genuine friends and the ones who are looking to hook up. I am pretty sure Jake is the friend type.

  “Yeah,” I reply. “I did a lot of studying today. I think I’m mentally drained right now.”

  “Do you need some space to lie down?”

  “Eh,” I shrug. “I’ll be fine.”

  Jake moves all the way to the corner of my bed. He lifts the pillow up and places it on his lap. Using the same welcoming gestures I used to invite him up onto the bed, Jake invites me to lay my head on the pillow. The mix of mental fatigue and alcohol makes me all too aware of how tired I am. I give in to Jake’s offer and place my head on the pillow. I pull my throw blanket over my body as I lay down. Jake begins to run his fingers through my hair. The sensation takes me back to when I was a kid and used to lay my head on my mom’s lap. She would run her hand through my hair the same way. It made me miss her, yet it also comforted me. Not even the sounds of explosions from the action film could keep me awake. Slowly my heavy eye lids get heavier and I begin to fall asleep.

  I fight it every step of the way. It is rude to fall sleep with company over, especially company that I haven’t seen in a while. I slip in and out of consciousness. Staying awake has become a hard battle to fight. The second time I jerk awake, I give a quick look over to Michelle’s bed. She and Daniel are deep into a make out session. I shake my head as I look at them. I hear Jake let out a chuckle. I look up at him. He better not get the wrong idea.

  I smile back at him and then redirect my gaze to the television. This is the perfect set up for a couples make out session. If it were any given circumstance in a world where I had not met Ty then I would be all about it. However, trying to add another guy into my life romantically would be like finding two yolks in one egg. It wouldn’t be impossible, but it would be extremely rare. It would be so rare that, like the two yolk egg, I probably will never experience it. I take a deep sigh and close my eyes this time faking sleep. Eventually, the movie is over and Daniel gets up to shut it off. He hops back into bed as Michelle switches on the television and begins flipping through the channels. I am exhausted. Not caring about our guests, I begin getting ready for bed. I grab my night clothes and walk into the bathroom.

  I brush my teeth. Then I wash my face. I stare at myself in the mirror. I have bags under my eyes and a sleepy look on my face. I am wiped out and ready to go to bed. I walk back into the room. Jake has risen from my bed and is standing in the middle of the room. He has also flicked on the lights. I assume that is his signal for Daniel to leave with him.

  “I think I am going to head out for the night.” says Jake. “I need to head home and finish some work for class tomorrow.”

  “Sorry, I’m such a party pooper.” I smile. “I guess it’s just one of those nights.”

  “No problem. We will just have to get you to party another night.”

  His all too adorable dimples make an appearance as a huge smile crosses his face. His eyes flit down to my tank top and shorts. Relief washes over me. I am very grateful he has decided to head out and not try to put the moves on me.

  “Are you going to head out as well?”

  Jake turns the questions towards Daniel who is looking all too cozy in Michelle’s bed. I cannot help but smile at the two of them. They are very cute together. They look like they belong together. Their looks and their mannerisms complement each other. Quickly my mind shoots to me and Ty. My light blond hair, blue eyes and pale skin is in complete contrast to Ty’s dark skin, black hair and brown eyes. We are opposites in looks. Perhaps the only features we share are athletic bodies. I however do not have as athletic a body as Ty. He is built like a Greek god. Quickly I push these unpleasant thoughts out of my mind as I wait for Daniel’s response to Jake.

  “I guess I should probably get back to studying.” Daniel finally responds.

  Michelle gives him a flirty pouty face to show her disapproval. Daniel smiles as he leans in and kisses it away. Then he hops out of bed only to turn around and give her a lingering hug. I avert my eyes feeling like a voyeur looking in on a private moment. My eyes meet Jake’s and I can tell his thoughts are the same. I give him another smile. I don’t know why, but I can’t help but just to smile at Jake. He is just a happy person that makes others want to be happy.

  “So are you down to go out this upcoming weekend or are you going to be a party pooper?” Jake asks.

  “I don’t know.” I respond. “It depends on if I don’t have anything better to do.”

  “How could I talk you into coming out with us?”

  “Don’t use the word party pooper.” I say.

  “Fair enough,” replies Jake with a laugh.

  Quickly he leans in catching me completely off guard and lands a kiss on the corner of my lips. His lips mold to mine as he lingers there longer than a friend should linger with a kiss. Finally, after what seems like infinity and a half, he pulls me into a hug giving me time to adjust the surprise look on my face. I smile weakly as he pulls away.

  “Well, I guess I will see you tomorrow.”

  Jake’s words are shaky as he gives me a smile that does not reach his dimples. The mood between us has shifted. It is awkward and I can tell Jake is regretting his kiss. I smile awkwardly back at him only fueling the uneasy mood that has risen between us.

  “Yes.” I reply. “I will see you to
morrow.”

  My response lulls the mood for one brief second giving Jake time to escape. He waves at us as he makes a hasty exit leaving me stunned. He didn’t even wait for Daniel. It was a drive-by kissing and the stray bullet had hit me leaving me paralyzed. Daniel on the other hand thought it was funny. He let out a small laugh as he leans in and gives Michelle one more kiss. Then, he walks towards me and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

  “Good night, ladies.” He says as he exits the room.

  “Good night.” I say as I close the door behind him.

  I look over at Michelle who smiles back at me amused. She wants to comment on the kiss. I can see it written all over her face. I shake my head at her not to say anything. She still has her devilish smile on her face as I turn off the lights. I quickly hop into bed before Michelle can comment and pull the covers over my face. Within minutes I hear a low taunting song rising through the darkness from Michelle’s bed.

  “Kimber and Jake sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First, comes love. Then,..”

  Before Michelle can finish her song I fling my giant pillow hitting her square in the face. She lets out a laugh that fills the dark room. I sit up trying to look stern but a smile comes over my face. Luckily it is hidden in the dark.

  “Jake is kind of cute.” states Michelle.

  “Yea, but I am not into him like that.”

  “I think you could be if it weren’t for another tall, dark, and handsome guy.”