Totem

  “You’re late.” He whispers.

  This brings my composure back to me and immediately I think of a witty answer.

  “Only fashionably,” I whisper back then walk toward the door.

  He continues to hold my hand as we walk closer to the familiar house. I go up the wooden steps to the front door and feel Ty tug at my hand. I turn to look at him. For the first time, I see what he is wearing. Apparently my choice of dress was a good one. Ty is dressed up but in a comfortable way that looks effortless. I take a quick second to look him up and down. His sweater is a cream color. Soft ribbed lines knit into the material of the high necked collar as the emblem of a polo player stands out on his chest. The front zipper is partially open revealing a white undershirt. I assume it is one of his many Banana Republic v necks I have grown so accustomed to.

  His dark grey dress pants creased in the front fit him perfectly in all the right areas and to finish his style is a pair of dress shoes. The whole look is dressy casual and somehow compliments my outfit. I look into his eyes. They stare back at me with such tenderness that reflects through his smile.

  “So I have a surprise for you.” Ty states.

  I smile. This is way too many surprises.

  “I am going to go inside. I want you to stand out here and count to ten then come in.”

  He kisses my forehead.

  “That’s it?” I ask.

  “Yes. I have a feeling you will know what to do when you open the door.”

  Ty opens the door ever so slightly for him to fit in but not for me to see anything.

  “You look beautiful by the way.” Ty compliments as he closes the door.

  My heart rises in my chest as the anticipation builds. I have never had a guy surprise me like this. My mind swirls around all possibilities that are in front of me as I take a second to make a mental snap shot of this moment solidifying this feeling forever in my memory. There are so many things in life that are so precious. Each moment we have here on Earth is a gift. Time spent with Ty is a gift. Slowly I begin to count in my head. One, Two, Three… I take a deep breath. Four, Five, Six … fix your hair a little... seven, eight, nine…just breathe…ten. I turn the door knob slowly waiting with hitched breath for a click signaling the door’s willingness to open. As the door slowly pushes open under my touch, flowery smells mixed with vanilla waft out caressing my nose and causing my other senses to heighten. In front of me is a lit pathway composed of white candles casting soft light everywhere.

  The vibrant light dances across the floor but it is the rose petals that catch my eye forming a path that starts where I stand and leads up the stairs to a surprise I am meant to find. I take the first step forward more purposefully than the last solidifying in my mind the answer to the questions left so open ended last semester. I know Ty likes me. You do not set this up for someone you don’t like. You do not set this up for someone just to break up with them. I know this means something.

  The soft sound of jazz music dances from the room in front of me. The candles frame the pathway of flowers as I draw closer. Up the stairs, through the living room, past the kitchen and into the study, I turn the corner and see my destination. On the balcony of the study overlooking parked boats in the water is a table set for two. The rose petal path continues all the way out scattering around the deck and on to the white table cloth with candles elegantly placed in the center. It is the most romantic thing I have ever seen in my life and there, holding out a chair for me is the man who made it all come true. He is the man who I am falling in love with.

  I know my smile is ridiculously big but I cannot help it. Warmth fills my heart as I take that last step onto the balcony. The air is cool but not intolerable. The wind blows sending a nip of cold through my body, but it is not enough to detour me from the night. I sit down in the chair Ty holds out for me. He leans in and kisses me on my cheek.

  “Welcome back to New Orleans.” He whispers in my ear, his face lingering there ever so slightly longer than anticipated. He then shoots in to mimicking a waiter as he grabs the bottle of wine and pours. Its label purposefully faces me so that I can read it. “For your first dinner back, I have made a pot of gumbo. It is a savory mix of taste and creole style with just a hint of spiciness over a bed of organic rice. I will bring that out shortly, but first…”

  Ty disappears returning with a covered tray. He places it on the table along with two appetizer plates. Dramatically and with much flourish, he flings off the lid.

  I laugh and then jokingly clap my hands to show my approval. Out of all the appetizers I have tried in New Orleans, the one I strangely like the most is fried pickles. There in front of me, for an appetizer, are fried pickles.

  “I added a little bit of Louisiana spice to bring out the… pickliness of the… pickles… and I made special dipping sauce to go along with it.”

  Ty is running out of words to describe things but his playful attempt at being pseudo waiter makes me laugh as it is intended to do.

  “This is amazing.” I gush as Ty takes the seat across from me. “This is just incredible.”

  I take a sip of the wine. It is sweet. Then I take a pickle and dip it in his home made sauce. It is sour. It is incredible. All I can do is smile as I enjoy one of the sweetest moments in my life. I sit there soaking it in.

  “So how was your Christmas?” Ty asks.

  “It was good.” I reply. “It was cold and not quite the white Christmas I wanted, but it was good. I got your flowers… all of them.”

  Ty smiles a crooked smile that makes my heart melt.

  “I was actually really surprised to have heard from you…”

  I feel myself drawing dangerously close towards questions about where he was for the past six weeks. A part of me aches, longing to throw every question I have at him right now. I waited so long for the answers but I didn’t want to bring it up this early in the night. I am just so happy to see Ty. To hold him and to touch him and to perhaps… kiss him (if we ever get to that part) is all I want to do tonight. I take a deep breath and just shut up hoping Ty will skirt over the question.

  “I couldn’t contact you.” Ty begins adjusting in his seat. “Sometimes… well, clothing most of the time is optional with my circumstance. Very rarely do you see a wolf running in jeans.” He smiles. “It was one of those situations where I couldn’t have my clothes with me which means no cell phone. By the time I got back, you were already gone and I had to go out of town again. So I thought it would be best to send flowers during your finals in hopes to lift your spirits. I liked the text you sent back.”

  His smile is genuine just like all of his smiles this night. I smile back at Ty hoping to turn his smile even brighter. It is a smile that I have been missing for way to long. I am sure Ty’s behavior would normally send warning signals to some girls, but then again, most girls don’t date a guy who can change into over a dozen various animals. My situation is unique and perhaps one of a kind.

  Ty gets up from the table striding the short distance to the sliding glass door to walk inside. I hear clanking in the kitchen. My only assumption is he was getting the gumbo ready to serve. I sit there looking out across the marina. The boats are all tied down for the night. Birds nestle in the nooks and crannies under the docks. Their white feathers give up their location in the dark shadows cast by lamps above the wooden planks. I glance at one particularly large boat. Perhaps it is big enough to be called a yacht. The grandeur and intricate designs lacing the sides certainly boasts prosperity. However, the size seems a bit small. Some of the boats are in their spot all the time. Perhaps it is a toy the owners got tired of. Others are gone all the time. Wednesdays are the big days for the sailboats. Every Wednesday night, there would be a sailing competition. Sail boats of all sizes would trawl out of the docks and line up (as much as sail boats could line up when being pushed by the wind through water) to race. It is an amazing sight to see from the shore. Perhaps one day, I will experience it from a boat.

  Ty reappears
with two big white bowls. He lays one down in front of me. Steam rises off of it in the cold night air. A round serving of rice sits like an island in a sea of gumbo. The peppers, onions, okra and celery lay smooth with the surface of the rue only to be broken up by small, succulent chunks of Andouille sausage and chicken. My mouth begins to water at the sight and I am all too aware that my last meal was six hours ago. The dish is comparable to any prestigious restaurant, perhaps even better knowing it is made especially for me. The smell of Louisiana spices waft up to my nose. I pick up my spoon in anticipation for the first bite. Ty taking his seat across from me to enjoy in the spoils of his hard work was the only cue I was waiting for before digging in. Sit he does and in return I plunge the spoon into the bowl gently taking a small bit of rice before dipping in the rue.

  I bring the spoon up to my mouth treating my taste buds to some of the best gumbo I have ever had. Immediately the spices ignite all my senses. The okra melts in my mouth and the rice is just the right consistency to be tasted through the gumbo without its texture over powering it. I love it.

  “This is incredible,” I say to Ty. “How did you learn how to cook?”

  “That gumbo is about forty years in the making.” Ty states. “You should have been here in the early years. It did not taste that good. My sister would barely touch it, but then again, she was about five years old. Her taste has since changed. Lucky for her too, my gumbo has gotten tremendously better.”

  “Where is Sarah tonight?” I ask.

  “She is still at our camp.”

  “I’m sure you planned it that way.”

  “A little of both.” Ty replies slyly.

  “So how old were you when she was born?”

  “Let’s see.” Ty began to reflect like my grandfather would do. “I was twenty four when she was born.”

  “Were you… a Totem by then?”

  “Yes,” replies Ty. “I became a Totem when I was twenty-two.”

  “How does it happen? How did you discover what you were to become?”

  “It was a surprise. It wasn’t pretty. It’s actually very painful. I mean physically painful… the change.”

  He takes another bite of gumbo as he stares down getting lost in his thoughts. I wait for him to continue.

  “One day you are fine. Then the next day you are sprouting wings. Your body just isn’t used to changing so it hurts and then I could not wrap my mind around what was happening. At least in my case it was wings. It is different for each person.”

  “How so?”

  “In our culture, everyone has a different animal spirit. This animal spirit is called your totem. Depending on what your true animal totem is, that is what you become first. Mine just so happens to be a raven.”

  “I could see that.” I reply. His dark features and movement make me think of a strong dark bird for some reason.

  “My transformation was an easy one. I turned into a little bird. So when I freaked out, which all Totems tend to do when we suddenly without warning change into an animal, my mess was easier to clean. Could you imagine changing in to something like an elephant or a tiger?”

  “Can people change into elephants?”

  “I haven’t seen one yet and it is not an animal in our legend, but magic is ever changing so it is not out of the realm of possibilities.”

  “How did you figure out you could turn into other animals?”

  “Eventually over the years you develop the skills to change. You learn techniques from other Totems. The elders also studied changing so they have knowledge they pass down from elder to elder. They try to help you learn different animals. The thing is you can only change into your totem animals. If it is not on your totem, then you cannot become it.”

  “So which came first, the totem or the person?”

  “The person,” replies Ty. “The actual wood carvings do not come until much later for a Totem. It is a right of passage to receive your wood carving with all your totems. It is made after you have changed into all the animals you could possibly change into or at least that is the theory behind it. There have been a few cases where a Totem has done something surprising, but it is very rare. Most of the animals we change into are the originals that were given to us in the beginning. However, every once in a while Mother Nature will throw a curve ball.”

  “How do you know when you are done changing into all the animals you could possibly change into?”

  “You just know. There are no real clues. There is no giant sign given. There is just an innate sense that you have accomplished all the animals you were supposed to. There still can be a surprise animal later, but that is very rare.”

  We ate for a while in silence. I contemplated all the new information Ty has given me. For the first time, his words flowed so freely over the subject holding nothing back. My mind wanders a bit as I think about all that we have been through the past few months. It is an amazing journey that I will never take back. Even if Ty and I cannot be, then I will still want to remember this for all of time. We finish our gumbo all too quickly. My taste buds crave more while my all too full stomach bulges in protest.

  “I have a surprise for dessert.” Ty gets up.

  He grabs our bowls and appetizer plates and walks to the kitchen. A few seconds later he returns with two new plates. To my amazement, the two plates are on fire! One corner of the plate has the little fire going. The other corner has a small scoop of vanilla ice cream.

  “Bananas fosters with a twist.” Ty introduces as he places dessert in front of me. “I would wait for the fire to stop before you take a bite.”

  The fire takes a few seconds to die down leaving sizzling brown sugar encrusting a bread pudding type dessert. I wait another few seconds unsure of the temperature of things that were just on fire. I take a small scoop of banana and bread pudding. Then, I take an even smaller scoop of ice cream to top it off before taking a bite. The tastes whirl in my mouth. The melted brown sugar brings even more sweetness to the bread pudding and banana. The vanilla ice cream compliments the whole dish once again sending my taste buds on a rollercoaster of flavors and sensations. It is my first time eating the dish and I cannot have been more impressed. Ty perks up ignoring his plate of dessert and watches me as I let the tastes sink into my mouth.

  “Do you like it?” asks Ty.

  “I love it.” I reply. “I am amazed at your cooking skills.”

  Ty smiles as he sits there pleased with my reaction. We eat the dessert a while with jazz music drifting out of the study. The water below us laps at the pillars and docks keeping time to the harmonious tune. I am in heaven or at least the closest earthly form of it. Ty’s spoon makes a clink as he lays it across the plate. He clears his throat.

  “So, besides wanting to see you again, there is another reason I wanted you here tonight.”

  Ty’s tone turns serious. My heart begins to race as I take the last bite of my dessert. Although the night seems to be playing out in my favor, a sliver of doubt settles into the perfect evening leaving small questions. This makes me nervous. Deep down, I feel that this is too good to be true. There has to be a catch to this night and, like most people, I wonder what it is. Nothing could be simply this perfect.

  “Let me start by telling you what happened after I last saw you. On the beach was our last encounter. I tried warning you in the dorms but when you took off, I didn’t know what to do. So I chased after you. I waited for you to be ready. Then you turned around on the beach and I saw your eyes…you in my arms…” He pauses. “Driving away from the dorms was the hardest thing I had ever done. Driving away knowing after I had found you…”

  Ty holds back his words. He is lost in them. I wait with baited breath… This is the moment that the night is leading up to. This is the reason why I am here. I know the words I want him to say. I pictured them in my head many times, but I need to hear him say it erasing the small sliver of doubt that still survives inside me. I need to see his lips form each perfect word as they come out.

/>   “There is something that connects me to you.” Ty begins again. “For some reason, I am drawn to you. Out of all the years I have lived, I have never felt this way before. I think the reason why… is because there was no you. This whole time, it was as if I was waiting for you.”

  My heart melts as the realization of Ty’s words sweep across me. In that moment, I feel the same. I feel completely and irreversibly changed by him. This is not just an infatuation between two people. This is no little girl crush. This is in the purest form of the word love, but it is not to be spoken this soon.

  “I can’t promise you that it won’t be hard.” Ty cautions. “I can’t promise that it won’t be dangerous. Many people could use you against me. Not only that, but the tribunal itself… I don’t know if this has ever been done before.” He begins again flustered with his words. He becomes flustered with himself. “I am not safe and this will be dangerous.”

  “Ok, stop… just stop….” I interrupt. I pause a moment to gather my thoughts. “Ty, the first time I saw you, my heart began racing. Butterflies filled my stomach and I couldn’t catch my breath. Then, the more I saw you the more I found myself looking for you. Just to catch that small glimpse of you walking past or even have you look into my eyes became like a drug to me. I had to get my fix. Then you spoke and your voice became the bittersweet symphony that I could listen to forever. It was a song so familiar that I knew it belonged to me. Then your words…” I feel myself getting off topic but I had to finish. “It was as if I have known you forever. Ty, I have never felt this way before.” I pause once more gathering my thoughts. Tears begin building up in my eyes threatening my all too fresh make up. “I find myself pulling towards you. I crave your touch more than anything. To kiss your lips is the sweetest release I have ever had in my life. Those few weeks without you… those few weeks of uncertainty before the flowers… were the worst weeks of my life. Those flowers represented hope. Hope that the day on the beach was not the last time I would embrace you. Hope that it was not the last time I would kiss you.