In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  After a moment, we lay panting in the aftermath of what I can only describe as sweet, emotional lovemaking. In at least some fundamental way, I did love Ethan. While I wasn’t sure I could be in love with him, he would always be very special to me. Even though he isn’t capable of feeling that love, I hoped that I was able to let that flow through to him. I hoped he was able to feel at least some degree of the emotion I hold for him and I wanted him to be able to feel what it’s like to be loved, to be wanted in every way, not just physically desired. I leaned forward gently, feeling my softened cock slide from him and kissed his forehead. After a while, I moved my lips down slowly and kissed him deeply. It wasn’t a sexual kiss, it was a grateful kiss; he had just let me share something very special with him. He smiled at me as I moved to climb out of the bed, but he stopped me swiftly with a hand on my arm.

  “Thank you,” he said softly and I leaned down to kiss him once again before standing.

  The next day, I was leaving for Chicago. Now that I was a Dom as well, I knew that the sexual part of our relationship, the BDSM part, may be coming to a close. The pain of it was almost a physical ache and reminded me of my day in the playroom, the day he gave me that one word that I could use to walk away. Never, in the whole time that Ethan and I had been in our relationship, did I think I would use that word. I couldn’t keep him hanging here, waiting for me for an entire year. He needed to move on and find another submissive, someone that could help him keep his dominant identity, to remind him of who he was.

  As I walked to his bedroom door, full of sorrow for our impending separation, I laid my cuff on his dresser. Then, I turned to him and finally let my emotions show.

  “Sunset, Master Ethan.”

  Part Two: Ethan’s Story

  Chapter Fifteen

  The soft light filtering through my bedroom window woke me. It must have been just past dawn. The oppressive stillness, the unnatural quiet pressed on me as I watched small particles of dust floating in the ray of light cast carelessly over my bed. Warm and comfortable, I quietly reveled in the promise of the new day, and for just a solitary moment, I felt content. Looking around, I noticed two things simultaneously; I was naked and I was alone. As I rolled to check my bedside clock, the soreness caused by my first willing lovemaking from another brought with it a flood of memories from the previous night. Jayden’s lips against mine, his face as we made love, and that feeling in my chest when I had told him that I loved him. That emotion in my chest had warmed me, had made me feel whole even just for one night. Then, I noticed it was well past seven in the morning.

  He was gone.

  The previous night had been our farewell, and he had left for Chicago early that morning. I hurled my clock, the current bane of my existence, at the wall, and it shattered on impact, further damage being inflicted by its not-so-subtle contact with the floor.

  For the longest time, I laid there, curled up on my side, and wondered if things would have been different had Jayden’s parents survived. He would not have been forced to move to Chicago to help with the family business, but would I have had the moment of weakness to ask what I did of him? I needed to know what love felt like, even if it was physical and fleeting.

  All I found was more confusion and pain.

  The ache in my chest grew as I lay in the bed, which suddenly felt too big, too empty, and his absence loomed like a physical presence, weighing on my chest. It wasn’t just my body that was naked; my soul had been laid bare as well. As I stared blankly at the ceiling, my throat burned, and a sob broke through my sealed lips. I could no longer contain my anguish at the void he had created, not only in my bed, but in my life. I’m not sure what I thought would happen once we’d made love, that he’d stay with me? Did I think that things would just go back to the way they had been?

  Careful of my lingering discomfort, I turned slowly and buried my face in the pillow. Sobs came then, and I couldn’t stop them, the catharsis continuing until I was utterly spent. Not knowing if the release lasted minutes or hours, when it was over, it left me drained. I had just enough energy to roll back onto my side and fall asleep, and not for the first time I wished deep in my heart that the sleep would last forever. When I was asleep, I didn’t have to feel, I didn’t have to think. Sleep meant quiet and dark and peace.

  When I awoke again, the sun had set and I heard a distant pounding. It certainly wasn’t for me. I had no one. Not one person cared enough about me to pound on my door. Within minutes, it had stopped anyway. Glancing around my Spartan room, I took in the drab blues and reliable creams. Was this all that my life had become? I guess I should be thankful that I’m alive at all, but as the lack of personality shone clearly through every corner of the room, I began to wonder if I was actually living. More likely, it seemed, I was just going through the motions.

  I closed my eyes again and contemplated getting up to use the bathroom when my bedroom door flew open. Blinking against the light from the hall that hurt my eyes, I could barely make out the slight figure silhouetted there.

  “What the fuck, Ethan? I’ve been calling you for hours!” Nicole yelled, and then softer, away from me she said, “No, Jayden he’s here. He looks okay, I’ll call you back.” She waited briefly for his responses and then snapped her cell phone shut. I closed my eyes and moved onto my stomach, burying my head under the pillow, trying to deaden the sound of her voice. “You know I’m still your emergency contact at the hospital, right?” Damn, I had missed my shift, but just couldn’t bring myself to fucking care.

  It was enough of a testament to my sad and lonely life that my former BDSM play partner was my emergency contact. Nicole was the closest thing I had to a friend. Well, next to Lexi and Jayden, but they were both gone.

  I was painfully alone.

  “Why are you here?” I asked half into the pillow, surprised when my voice cracked. My voice sounded broken and lost as I listened to my sorrow pouring into each word.

  “The hospital called me. I called you and didn’t get an answer, so I called Josh for Jayden’s cell. I didn’t know he….Well, Jayden asked me to use the key hidden under the porch to come and check on you.” I felt the mattress shift under her weight as she sat on the bed beside me, her fingers gently moving through my hair. “Did you two have some kind of fight?” she asked in a concerned whisper.

  “No. He had a family obligation and moved to Chicago. He left…he left this morning.” My heart broke a little more with each word. “I’m surprised Josh didn’t tell you.” By some weird twist of fate, Jayden’s sister, Kimberly, had fallen in love and married Nicole’s cousin Josh. If I believed in that kind of thing, I’d say that Jayden and I were destined to meet. But, I don’t because that would mean the monster that destroyed my life was meant to torture me. “This won’t happen again, Nicole. I’ll call the hospital tomorrow and take an indefinite leave.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, now stroking my upper back. It felt nice, soothing. It reminded me of something I had most likely buried, but I pushed that thought away because my feelings were so raw they tore at my insides. I wasn’t used to feeling my emotions this strongly. My stomach churned in a tight little ball, and there were knots along my spine and shoulders. The stress, the tension, was a physical manifestation, and I ached both inside and out. I had successfully pushed everything down and felt numb for so long. Until Lexi and Jayden opened this fucking hole in my chest and deserted me, I had been in control. They had been my submissives, trusting my control over them, and now I had nothing. I shook my head and Nicole got up, starting to dial someone as she went out the door. I had a feeling I knew who that someone was.

  After she left, I got up and headed for the bathroom, not looking back at the bed where Jayden and I had made love just the night before. Feeling the soreness in my muscles as I washed up, the discomfort burned the memory of our coupling in my mind. When I could no longer stand to think about it, I headed downstairs. I hadn’t bothered getting dressed because I always kept the curt
ains closed. I didn’t like people looking at me; it had been that way since I was a kid, since… Well, for a long time anyway.

  Reaching the bottom stair I glanced around and was struck at the normalcy of the scene. He was gone, but yet everything in this room looked the same. The immaculate chocolate leather couch, the chairs, the rugs, the TV, everything was in the same place. When I entered the kitchen, I noticed the same thing. The refrigerator, the cabinets, nothing was different even though it felt like my world had changed completely. Worse than that, it was almost like he’d never been there, like maybe I had imagined him.

  Dropping several ice cubes into a glass tumbler, I headed to my liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle of very old, very expensive scotch. I hadn’t needed this in a long time, but I just couldn’t handle things today, I needed to not have to think. The walnut and glass paned door slammed shut as I nudged it with my knee, my hands full of temporary liquid relief. I wished to God that it would help, but deep down I knew it was a wasted effort.

  On the way back to my bedroom, I stopped on the second floor landing, as if I couldn’t go any further. I was in his room before I realized I had even moved. My breath caught in my throat when I saw the stark emptiness of the room, almost like he had never been there. The pain in my chest only worsened with this harsh confirmation that he was out of my life. The only sign that he had ever been there was a faint trace of bitter cinnamon from the overpriced coffee he loved. The rug scratched my naked skin as I sat down and rested my back against the cold bare wall, letting the chill seep into my bones. A deep-seated cold had already taken a hold of me from his absence; the wall was just but a shadow of it. The cold was countered only by the scotch that burned as it hit my throat. I had disregarded the glass entirely and took a pull straight from the bottle. I didn’t care; I needed the numbness it would grant me. After the scotch started to counter the desperate cold feeling in me, my mind drifted back to the first time I had ever seen Jayden.

  I was nervous about taking on a boarder, but I was also tired of being alone. Lexi had suggested bringing a stranger into my home might help me to be more comfortable around people, maybe even help me to make a few friends. Was that really what I wanted? Like a worn out quilt that has long passed its prime, being alone was comfortable, easy, and familiar. As hard as it was, it was easier than being around people. I don’t know what had happened with Lexi though, being around her was just different – it had always been that way with her. She had become more than just my sub, she had become my friend. It’s weird, even though I had heard of Doms getting too close to their subs, I never thought it would happen to me. But, rather than end things with her, I had just decided to let it run its course, hoping the novelty would wear off. My biggest fear was that it might head in a direction I couldn’t go, because I couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing her again.

  When Jayden called to answer the ad, the voice on the phone had been pleasant enough. His odd accent was strangely alluring and I found myself asking him inane questions just to listen to him speak. With his schedule and his future plans, he seemed to be an excellent choice for a roommate. When he stopped by to check out the house, I waited for him in the front room. Half watching out the window for his arrival, I was unable to pinpoint the exact reason for my edginess, chalking it up to meeting a new person.

  Then, I saw him.

  My whole body got warm as I watched his shirt ruffling in the light breeze as he walked up the brick pathway. When I noticed his lean and muscular body under the t-shirt and jeans, I had the insane desire to run my hand over his chest, just to see if his heart was pounding like mine was. But, as cliché as it sounds, it was his eyes that I found the most captivating. They were innocent and warm, and I couldn’t help but smile as I opened the door.

  I didn’t know then that I was opening that door to so much more than just my house.

  I woke the next morning cramped and freezing. Looking around, I saw that I was still in Jayden’s… I was still in one of the spare bedrooms, the cold light of dawn filtering in through the open blinds. Pushing myself upright against the cold wall, I had woken exactly the same way I had the day before, the same way I probably would every day going forward – naked and alone. The bottle next to me was empty and I barely spared it a glance as I slowly stood up on shaky legs. As I left the room and headed for the stairs, my eyes caught the door at the end of the hall. I wasn’t even able to think about going in my own playroom, I was completely alienated from the room in the house that meant the most to me. That frightened me in a way that I hadn’t thought possible, but the thought of collaring another sub turned my stomach. Or perhaps that was the alcohol. I made it upstairs in time to make it to the bathroom to vomit. My stomach clenched with dry heaves, almost as tightly as my chest was clenching around my shattered soul. Food was the last thing on my mind, but I did want to take a shower. I just didn’t think I could stand that long. If the room could just stop spinning long enough for me to think clearly, that would help immensely.

  I made it to my dresser and threw on the first t-shirt and sweats I found, even putting on socks to warm myself up. I was so cold from sleeping naked on the floor my hands were shaking. At least, I told myself it was from the cold. Crawling in bed, I grabbed my cell phone from the nightstand and checked the display. It was still on silent, and I had forty missed calls – most of them from Jayden. Sighing, I realized I was going to have to call him; I had known since Nicole had come through my door. But what was I going to say?

  Oh yeah, Jayden, hi, can you come back because I can barely function now that you and Lexi are gone.

  Having a wonderful time…. Wish you were here….

  Deciding to make the easier of the two phone calls first, I called the automated system at the hospital and patched into Dr. Thomas’s voice mail, leaving him a message indicating that he should pull me from the rotation until further notice. I was too much of a fucking coward to actually talk to him, so this was the best I could do. My absence would not be a hardship for the hospital as they had been looking to layoff a doctor for some time, but Thomas didn’t have the heart to release the doctors with small children and I had the highest seniority.

  When I had taken the job, I had needed something to fill my days to make the time pass. One more day gone would be one less day that I had to endure. Now, though, I felt like my life had no purpose, no reason to continue. Without any kind of purpose, any kind of grounding, I would be unable to care for other people. I couldn’t force myself to care about their welfare—I mean really, I could barely care for myself.

  I considered getting another bottle of scotch before making the next call, but I didn’t want him to worry. Yeah, like that was going to fucking happen. Jayden was going to worry no matter what I said, he was just like that. Holding down the number five for speed dial, it rang just once before his voice was on the other end.

  “Ethan! Jesus Christ, I was just about to store the truck and book a fucking flight back to Washington and I’m not even to Chicago yet!” he yelled into the phone before sighing, “Are you all right?”

  “Yes, Jayden, I’m fine,” I lied.

  “I know you better than that, Ethan. I remember what you were like after Lexi left, I can only imagine what you’re like…” he said softly.

  “Yeah, fucking throw that in my face. That helps, Jayden, thanks,” I said sourly. “Look, I said I’m fine. I don’t know why you fucking care anyway.” Slamming down on the end button, I threw it toward the bed. It bounced once in the center and then hit the wall and came to rest on the pillows. Sliding down the wall, I banged my head against it hard. It hurt.

  Yes.

  It hurt.

  That’s exactly what I needed. I needed pain. I started to get up to call Nicole and then stopped, realizing she wouldn’t do it for me. I just had this feeling that she would be opposed to my reasoning. I needed someone else, someone that would enjoy my bondage, my utter torment, my pain. Then it came to me in a bright flash of inspirati
on.

  Dominique.

  Dominique and her husband Claude were among the worst of our community. They found pleasure not only in the bondage and the pain, but also in taking risks. Careless, undisciplined, and ruthless, it was exactly their lack of ethics that would serve me by calling them. It wouldn’t matter to them what my reasoning was for needing the pain, they would just strap me down and whip me without requiring any kind of explanation.

  It would hurt like hell, but it would make me forget.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Fifteen…”

  “Sixteen…”

  “Seventeen…”

  The knotted cord ripped into my back as the beating continued. Each new strike forced the next number from me with an almost inhuman cry. It was just what I needed, physical pain to make me forget about the emotional pain, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep going. My endurance was starting to reach its limit as I tried to focus my mind on something other than the pain. Looking around their cheap and haphazardly-equipped torture chamber, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d made a mistake in coming here.

  It had taken nearly three weeks before I actually called Dominique. I think the catalyst had been the phone call with Jayden, listening as he received the collars I’d had made for him. I’d planned to give them to him in my playroom before he ran off to Chicago. I probably would have invited one of the subs from his training back to play. Not Sean, but one of the women. I couldn’t stand seeing him play with Sean again—for some reason even the thought made my stomach hurt. It wasn’t too painful to listen to the excitement in Jayden’s voice when he opened the collars, but then Lexi had also decided to give him a little present…herself. Playing along, I tried not to let either of them to know the depth of my depression. I knew that’s what it was now, a bout of full blown depression. After what I’ve gone through in my life, I think I’m entitled to one.