In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  It hurt so badly that they were together, and I was alone.

  I felt something trickling down my back and I couldn’t decide if it was sweat or blood. The implement she used and the force behind it were certainly enough to draw blood, but I didn’t know for sure, and I didn’t care. I was thankful she had me tied over a bench so I didn’t have to worry about holding myself up. The position was designed for humiliation as I lay naked along the top of the rough wood. Every so often, Dominique would run her hands over the welts on my widely spread legs, the excitement evident in her voice as she told me what a good boy I was.

  I felt vaguely sick.

  My shoulders and arms ached from my wrists being tethered to either end of the metal bar which was bound across my shoulders. The bar held my arms stretched out at my sides, perpendicular to my body. Even if I weren’t gagged, I wouldn’t have had any reply to her except the hot tears streaking down my cheeks and the small keening whimpers. Keeping my eyes closed, so I wouldn’t have to see them leering at my body, I just focused on the pain and let it help me cry, to process my emotions. I couldn’t even force myself to think about how I was going to get home from their house, because I knew my legs wouldn’t support me after hours of being whipped.

  Finally, it stopped, and all I could feel in my back, buttocks, and legs was a cold, numb lack of sensation. I closed my eyes and rested my cheek against the cool rough wood. It felt so cool because my face, my shoulders, my whole body was on fire. It was evident that Claude and Dominique were all about pain, they didn’t believe in padding their equipment, the more uncomfortable their subject was the better. That, more than anything, should have clued me in that coming here was a mistake.

  I looked to my side as Dominique and Claude stood next to me, Dominique absently petting my hair like I was an obedient pet. Her face was flushed from the exertion of her calculated abuse of my body. Her breasts heaved over the red leather corset which topped off her red fishnet stockings and patent leather heels. She was almost a cliché. Wild red curls cascaded down her shoulders, and I couldn’t help but compare her ensemble to a bad Halloween costume.

  Claude stood next to her in nothing but cheap leather pants like you could pick up in the men’s department at any department store. As my mind reeled from the pain coursing through my body, I had the insane thought that he should have bought a size larger and maybe his hairy stomach wouldn’t bulge out over the top. Overweight and balding, stuffed into too small leather pants, and having his cock sucked by his costumed wife, Claude was a perfect specimen of an angry fuck knee deep in a mid-life crisis.

  My heart rate accelerated wildly as Claude walked around behind me, and I heard his voice low and excited near my ear. “The sight of you bare and whipped like this makes me so fucking hard…” Then, I felt his fingers in me…preparing me…I didn’t have the strength to even try to stop him, to beg him to just let me go home. No matter how loudly I was screaming ‘no’ in my head...

  “No one has heard from him in a month, Nicole. I don’t give a fuck if he took the key from under the porch. I need to know that he’s okay.”

  The voice was distant, detached from my reality. I wondered briefly if it was a hallucination. It couldn’t be him, he was gone. Looking around the mess and clutter of my immediate area, I tried not to think about the last week that I’d spent in bed after Dominique and Claude had dragged me, almost literally, from their playroom to my bedroom. My back and my legs were still bruised and covered in angry welts. A visual record of the abuse that I’d allowed Dominique to subject me to, and one that I saw every time that I dragged myself out of bed and to the bathroom. There was no way I could make it down the stairs, so they had left me alone with a stack of power bars and a row of bottled water, the evidence of which was scattered on my bedside table and floor.

  I had not heard from them again.

  Slowly, my bedroom door creaked open and I heard several sets of footsteps approaching. I didn’t want to look, in case there was no one there.

  “Oh my God,” I heard someone whisper from somewhere in my room. I didn’t move, I couldn’t move.

  “Ethan, sweetheart, can you hear me?” A soft voice asked. Lexi. How was Lexi there? She was in Chicago playing house.

  “Please go away,” I begged, keeping my face turned away into the pillow. Whether they were dreams or hallucinations, I didn’t want to be tortured by them.

  “Like hell we will, who did this to you?” A harsher voice asked.

  Jayden.

  “Please go away,” I repeated as firmly as I could, even if they were really here, I couldn’t face them knowing what I’d let happen to me. What I had let Dominique and her pathetic husband do to me. I had deserved every bit of it; I just didn’t want to talk about it.

  “Look at these,” Jayden said in a low voice as I lay naked and vulnerable for their inspection. “They are so deep. Whoever did it could not have given him any aftercare.”

  “I know, and look at the larger welts – they’re spaced at regular intervals….a knotted rope maybe?” Lexi asked. I assumed she was asking Nicole, Jayden wouldn’t have the experience. I didn’t answer, I couldn’t talk about it.

  “No, the cuts are too smooth, more like an electrical cord. It had to be something smooth, like it was sheathed,” Nicole observed and I was unsurprised that she’d worked it out so quickly. After all, she’d been at the game longer than anyone in the room, including me.

  “Whatever it was, I’d like to wrap it around their fucking necks. Who would do this to him?” Jayden growled, the threat in his voice unmistakable, and for whatever reason, that warmed me a little…until I remembered why it was necessary.

  “I have a feeling I might know. They were always jealous of Ethan, but Jesus…” Nicole said in a bitter tone.

  Then, I heard her dialing. No. They were going to find out. I tried to move, to stop her, but I couldn’t, I had no strength. I had been in bed for a week, trying my damnedest not to move. The pain tore through my back and legs; I whimpered softly, unable stop myself.

  “Hello Dominique, it’s Nicole. Have you seen Ethan lately?” she asked in a tone of forced calm. A pause while she listened to the answer that I already knew. “What kind of a session?” Her voice was a little sharper. I heard her gasp, but I doubt it would have been audible over the phone. “What do you mean ‘then Claude had his fun’?” she half shrieked into the phone. “You know his hard limits,” another pause. “I don’t give a fuck if he didn’t safe word; Master Cyrus is going to hear about this, you little bitch,” she said, and then slammed her phone shut. She must have been furious. Cyrus was the most respected member of our BDSM community, and if she was going to complain about Dominique and Claude it wasn’t something she’d do lightly.

  No one spoke for a long time, and the silence was deafening. Every person in the room knew what hard limit Nicole was referring to without her having to say it. Each of them knew, maybe in their own way and with their own perceptions what it meant that he had violated me. They all knew that he had done to me and the shame, the horror of it rose like bile in my throat.

  “Let’s…” Jayden started in a broken whisper, “Oh God…” Then, his voice a little stronger, he said, “Let’s try to get him cleaned up.” I felt his cool hand on my back and I winced. “His skin is so warm; these cuts may have started to become infected. Nicole, can you go start a lukewarm shower? Lexi, can you grab the first aid kit and some water?” I heard both women leave the room. Jayden took what sounded like a deep steadying breath and then pulled the sheet the rest of the way off my body. A choked sob come from him as he inspected the damage done to my back and my legs. Then he worked slowly and diligently to lift me into a sitting position. As hard as he tried, and as careful as he was, he couldn’t prevent the pain from shooting through me. He helped me to sit on the side of the bed and I could see his face clearly for the first time. His hair was a little longer, but after all these weeks he still hadn’t changed at all. The shame of letting h
im see me like that, so bloodied and broken, flooded my mind, but it was countered by the warmth I saw in his eyes.

  Lexi returned quickly with the first aid materials and Jayden pulled out the pain reliever and handed me three along with the bottle of water she’d also brought. Almost eagerly, I took them, feeling them slide past the lump that had already formed in my throat at their kindness. We sat on the edge of the bed for a long time waiting for the pills to take effect. Finally, I was able to stand and Jayden stripped down to his boxers to help me into the shower. It took all of my strength to remain standing while he washed my hair and my body carefully with his tender touch, the feelings I had been trying to suppress forcing their way back up. Suddenly, with him this close, I could no longer focus on the physical pain. That scared me because it meant that I’d done it for nothing, and that the pain was never going to end. I put my head on Jayden’s shoulder and he stopped before running his fingers through my hair.

  The soap and water stung as it cascaded over my myriad of welts and cuts. Even though the water was not terribly hot, it felt like it was scalding. Then, there was the way Jayden’s hands felt on my skin. I tried not to think of my nakedness, or our proximity because of course he had Lexi now, he didn’t need me. I was just someone to get him off. The bitterness swelled in me, consuming me as I tried yet again to cut off my emotions, desperately trying not to feel. It didn’t work. With his hands gently touching me, I knew that I was lost.

  “Why won’t God just let me die?” I asked him softly.

  Instead of answering, he finished up quickly and helped me back to my room. Nicole and Lexi had put fresh sheets on the bed, and after drying off, I lay down on my stomach as Jayden applied an antiseptic to my welts. It had been a week since my visit to Dominique, so they didn’t require any type of bandage because they were already closed, but cleaning them would certainly help. Finally, after days of being exhausted, I was able to fall into a somewhat comfortable sleep.

  When I woke to the scent of food, my stomach growled. Slowly I got to my feet and stumbled to the dresser where I found a loose pair of shorts and a t-shirt. After several tries to get them on, I carefully made my way down the stairs, taking even, measured steps. Stretching my legs or my arms too far sent a screaming pain through my body. One excruciating step at a time, I made my way down the stairs, leaning heavily on the railing. When I got to the kitchen doorway, I heard voices.

  “…give a damn. We can’t just leave him here.” It was Jayden’s voice, and the conviction with which he spoke made my heart a little lighter. He really did seem to care about me, about what happened to me.

  “What about Connor?” Lexi asked, concerned, making me insanely curious as to who Connor was.

  “Our house is certainly big enough for all of us, Lexi. If Connor doesn’t like it, he can move. Is Connor really more important to you than Ethan?” The scorn in Jayden’s voice was laced with anger.

  “Of course not, Jayden, but we have to think this through. We have to consider the possibilities first, not just go off half-cocked. What if Ethan doesn’t want to leave? Are you just going to kidnap him?” she replied acidly.

  “What do you think, Nicole, you’ve been his friend longer than either of us,” Jayden asked, apparently ignoring Lexi’s tone.

  “Why don’t you just ask Ethan?” I suggested from the door. They all looked up, surprised to see me standing there. Lexi ran to me, hugging me carefully. She pulled back and put her small hand on my cheek.

  “Ethan, how are you feeling?” she asked, stroking my cheek like I had done hers so many times before.

  “Fabulous,” I said with wry humor. Smirking at me before she became serious again, she looked back at Jayden and he nodded.

  “Ethan, would you come and stay with us for a little while? Please? We love you so much, and I can’t stand to see you in pain like this. Maybe a change would help…someplace where you’re not alone.”

  As if seeing them happy and in love was going to help. But, she was right. I needed something, some kind of change. I’d lived through so much worse. I couldn’t let this, whatever it was, get the best of me. When I nodded, she buried her face in my chest, which, to my relief, wasn’t painful.

  Jayden grabbed his cell phone and started to dial. After a minute he said “Connor, it’s Jayden. We’re going to have some furniture delivered to the house. We’re going to be having a guest for a while. Would you have them set it up in that empty room on the third floor? Yes, the one above the playroom. Thanks, Connor.” He finished, and then made another call to Josh asking him and Kimberly to pick out a bedroom set and get the room ready.

  “The playroom? Connor is your sub, isn’t he?” I asked Lexi quietly and she nodded. The jealousy, the feeling of betrayal washed through me and the pain of it took my breath away. With the sting evident on my face, I pulled away from Lexi. They had a sub. They had both left, and in the process taken my subs away from me, leaving me with nothing. Knowing my feelings were irrational but completely unable to control them, I turned and headed slowly for the stairs. I no longer wanted to be in the room with them, food or no food.

  “Ethan, please…” Lexi begged and her voice was full of sorrow. “Please, stay and eat with us. You need to eat.”

  “No,” I replied flatly and began the long climb up to the third floor, desperate to hide my jealousy and my pain from them.

  I was lying on my bed with my face pushed into a pillow when the door opened and I heard someone enter. I didn’t have the strength to look and see who it was, but from the aroma they brought with them, I knew they had food. Staying still, trying to feign sleep, I hoped they would just leave the food and go, but of course, I wasn’t that lucky. I felt someone stroking my hair, and that one small affectionate gesture was just too much for me. Breaking into heavy sobs, I pushed my face deeper into the pillow trying to contain them.

  “Shhhhhh… angel, please don’t cry,” Jayden whispered as he continued to weave his fingers through my hair.

  “D-Don’t call m… me that,” I said between broken sobs into the pillow. Finally, I was able to draw in a deep breath and get at least a partial hold on myself. “You called me that while we…” I closed my eyes, unable to say ‘while we made love’. “FUCK!” I screamed into the pillow. “What do you want from me?”

  “I just brought you something to eat,” he answered quietly, hesitating before standing up. I heard him reposition whatever he’d brought with him, and then he walked toward the door. Sighing heavily, he closed the door and went back downstairs. I laid there for a few minutes, listening to his heavy footfalls on the stairs, until my tears finally stopped. Gingerly, trying not to awaken the pain in my back and legs, I sat up on the side of the bed, finally seeing that he had brought in a small table and set up a plate and a carafe of wine. It was simple and thoughtful.

  I sighed and began to eat.

  We stayed in the house for another few days while my back and legs continued to heal, mostly because of their care. Finally, on Monday, Connor called to let Jayden know that my new room was ready. The invalid’s room, I thought scathingly. Jayden and Lexi stayed in the house with me, in Jayden's room I presumed. What little time we spent together, we spent in awkward silence with them glancing between each other frequently. I felt like a terminal patient and they were waiting by my bedside for me to die. Maybe I would, because I certainly felt dead inside.

  Nicole had hired a caretaker for my house to look after things while I was staying with Jayden and Lexi. With nothing to do, I found myself with unlimited time for thinking. I tried to occupy my mind with mundane tasks, but everything eventually came back to my spiraling depression. I hated the feeling; I would have rather felt nothing. The seething, festering self-loathing was so close to the surface that it even pervaded my dreams, not allowing me a good night’s sleep, which brought my lethargy to new heights.

  Finally, it was time to leave for Chicago. I had so many mixed feelings about going – fear, shame, resignation, and defeat
were among the most prevalent, all swirling around in my head until I felt like I wanted to scream. Sitting in my room with the angry, rage-filled music turned up so loud it caused the pictures on the walls to vibrate. Not being able to hear myself gave me an excuse to sing with it, at the top of my lungs – my own method of screaming without feeling like I’d lost my mind. It was a good release.

  For a while, it helped.

  Jayden had a car waiting for us at the airport when we arrived. My back and my legs were screaming after the torturously long plane ride, so Lexi had me lay on the seat opposite them in the limousine. I had almost argued with her, but the pain was too powerful for me to have much fight. With Jayden’s jacket under my head as a makeshift pillow, I dozed for the half hour ride into the city.

  “Ethan…Honey, wake up, we’re here,” Lexi’s voice pulled me from the superficial sleep I’d been able to reach in the moving car. I sat up slowly, very careful of my tortured skin, watching the car come to a stop in front of a large, three-story house. It was a beautiful brick walk-up, more compact than mine, but in an urban setting that wasn’t uncommon.

  The driver opened the door, and as I got out of the car the front door opened revealing an extraordinarily hot guy. Honestly, there was no other way for me to describe him. Wearing nothing but a pair of old jean shorts, his chest was what I noticed first. Broad, sculpted, nicely defined muscles with dusky darker colored nipples, I felt myself come alive for the first time in a while. It was something that I couldn’t really understand, but I didn’t want to analyze the feeling too deeply. Looking slightly higher, I saw that he had soft features, relaxed and good-natured. His soft brown curls were captured under a bright blue Chicago Cubs baseball hat, and his grin was almost infectious.