In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  I can’t imagine it would have been kind.

  “Ready?” I asked Gabriel, looking quickly between him and Jayden. Not meeting my eyes, Jayden looked away, and I knew he was upset. He sank down onto the couch next to Lexi, who looked at him sadly. I wasn’t sure if she was embarrassed by his outburst with Gabriel, or just worried about him, as I was.

  “Actually, I’d like to talk to you for a minute. Can we go up to your room?” Gabriel asked cautiously. I turned around and led him toward the stairs. As we passed the second floor landing, I noticed with relief that the playroom door was closed. We reached my room and I closed the door behind him before we sat on the bed. Then, he turned his body to face me, pulling one leg up between us.

  “I want to apologize,” he started, and my head snapped up.

  “What would you have to apologize for?” I asked him incredulously. Jayden can be intimidating when he wants to be, and Gabriel had pretty much told him to go to hell, showing me that he really did care for me.

  “I know that right now we are just friends,” a sheepish grin crept onto his face and he continued. “Okay, maybe a little more than friends. I just didn’t want you to think that I was trying to make decisions for you, or get between you and your friend. I know you care for him, and I just don’t want to see you get hurt because he doesn’t know what he wants.” I knew he was intuitive – maybe it was in the way that I had spoken about Jayden. I had talked a lot about Jayden and Lexi during my time with Gabriel as they were a large part of my life, and Gabriel should know that upfront.

  “I don’t think you overstepped. To be honest, it felt good to hear you stand up for me like that. I like that you care about me. I care about you too,” I told him honestly. No matter what direction our relationship took, I did care about him. Mimicking his position on the bed, I pulled my knee up so that my leg was next to his and he leaned toward me at the same time that I leaned toward him. Our lips met, in a sweet and gentle kiss that made me feel warm before it deepened. Playfully, he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back on the bed. I laughed and wrapped my legs around his waist as he put his hands on either side of my shoulders. Moaning softly, he kissed me again and started to get aroused. I was about to tell him we needed to head to the brunch when I heard my door open.

  “Ethan, Gabriel, I…” Jayden started, but then abruptly stopped when he saw our positioning. I knew what it must look like, even if we were only just messing around. All of the color drained from Jayden’s face, and he gripped the doorknob so tightly that I thought it might be dislodged from the door. “I’m sorry I disturbed you,” he choked out and then turned, slamming the door behind him. The framed art that Lexi had placed on the wall of my room rattled, but thankfully didn’t fall.

  “I am so sorry, Eth—” Gabriel started, but I silenced him with a kiss.

  “This is his issue, not yours,” I told him, releasing him from my hold so that he could stand. For a minute, I stood staring at the door that had just slammed shut before Gabriel put his hand on my shoulder. I reached up, and grasped it in mine.

  “We should get going,” he said. I sighed, and then nodded. Suddenly, I didn’t want to leave my room. I didn’t think I’d ever forget that look of pain and loss on Jayden’s face.

  “It isn’t your fault,” Gabriel said gently, guessing my thoughts. After a minute, he took my hand and we walked downstairs together, luckily not meeting either Jayden or Lexi before we were able to get out the front door.

  He held the door of the Jeep open and I climbed in. More and more I was starting to really enjoy riding with the top down. I felt so free. Once he was in, we backed out of the drive, but when he stopped to put the car into drive, I thought I heard a crash come from the house. I looked at Gabriel; he had heard it too. We sat there for a moment, idling in the road, but heard nothing else. He looked at me, one eyebrow raised in a silent question, and I steeled myself, looking out the windshield and nodded. We drove away.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  My mother was thrilled to see me standing on the doorstep holding Gabriel’s hand when she answered. Even though I knew that she thought that perhaps Gabriel was the wrong choice for me, she was happy to see me content nonetheless. My father was simply shocked at the change in me, from the last time I had stood on his doorstep; I had been skittish and scared. However, this time I stood proudly next to Gabriel, our fingers entwined while my father beamed at me and I smiled back a little shyly. They invited us in and we sat on the couch in the front room, joking with my parents. Once the guests started to arrive, I began to get nervous about how I was expected to act with Gabriel, even though I was unsure what the definition of our relationship was. We hadn’t made any kind of commitment yet. What we were? Were we friends? Were we more?

  “Ethan, baby, you need to relax,” Gabriel murmured, rubbing soothing circles into the back of my hand with his thumb. “We don’t have to tell anyone anything. I won’t be affectionate if it bothers you, if you’re worried about what people will think.” I could tell that he was disappointed, but I also knew that he would go along with whatever I wanted.

  “Actually, I was just thinking that I would be disappointed if you weren’t,” I said quietly. Looking over my shoulder quickly, he took my face in his hands and kissed me, just three or four soft presses of his lips against mine.

  “I would love nothing more.” He smiled as he stood up, pulling me with him. Still holding hands, we headed out into the back yard. A few people looked up and smiled, but for the most part, no one even blinked.

  “They all know about me, so finding out we’re together isn’t much of a shock for them,” he said shrugging. Leading me over to the buffet table, we got plates of food and sat at one of the tables in the back. A few people wandered over to say hi, but for the most part, we were left to ourselves. I looked over a few tables and saw our pizza delivery boy. He was extraordinarily quiet, with a laceration stitched on his lip, and a piece of tape on his nose. I heard a few people ask him what happened, and he replied he had fallen down someone’s porch stairs on a delivery. I looked over at Gabriel; he was smirking.

  “Guess it doesn’t pay to flunk out of college,” Gabriel said with a shrug, and dug in to the blackberry cobbler he’d picked up from the dessert table. I chuckled, and was about to lick a small spot of cobbler filling from his lip when my phone chirped. Flipping open the phone, I read the message with my mouth agape:

  Please meet me in the playroom at 9pm.

  It was from Jayden, and there really was no way that it was going to end well.

  “Everything okay?” Gabriel asked as I continued to stare at my phone. I shrugged, feigning an air of aloofness that I didn’t feel.

  “Yeah, Jayden wants to talk,” I told him, somewhat truthfully. While I knew I needed to tell Gabriel more, it wasn’t the place or time. I just didn’t have the balls to talk to him about it. Not yet.

  “That’s probably a good thing,” Gabriel smiled warmly at me. His trembling hands were the only thing that gave away what he was really feeling. His fork dropped to the plate with a clatter, he was afraid that I was going to end our relationship before it really ever had a chance to get started. I reached over and stroked his cheek, and then took his hand; he calmed at once.

  We were both unusually quiet throughout the rest of brunch, and headed out as soon as it was socially acceptable. I didn’t want my mother to worry; she’d done enough of that in her life. I was a big boy, and I could handle my own problems. After we left the brunch, we headed to Gabriel’s. I didn’t want to go home yet. I didn’t want to see Jayden before it was time for us to meet in the room. Gabriel and I played a few long and distracted rounds of Scrabble to help me to relax. Whatever it was that Jayden wanted, whether it was a session he wasn’t going to get, or just a talk that we both knew we needed, the hour was rapidly approaching. There was no way I was going to sub for Jayden while he was upset, as it would just lead us both someplace we didn’t need to go. He didn’t need the guilt that I sti
ll carried over losing control with him. As his friend, and as his former Dom, I wasn’t going to let that happen to him.

  Before I knew it, it was a quarter of nine, and Gabriel was driving me home. After we pulled into the drive, he kissed me softly in the Jeep, and I felt the fear, the desperation in his kiss. Then, as I opened the door to get out, he grabbed my hand and pulled me to him, kissing me fiercely. When we broke apart, I put my hand on his cheek and looked meaningfully into his eyes, wanting to tell him not to worry, but I found I couldn’t.

  I had no idea what lay in store for me once I entered that room.

  I swung the door of the Jeep closed and headed up to the porch. With five minutes left, I watched Gabriel drive away, and then stood on the porch and collected my thoughts. Steeling myself for whatever was coming, I turned and opened the door. As I walked slowly towards the stairs, I noticed a shattered clock in the front room as I passed. Even with slow measured steps, I was standing in front of the door to the playroom at exactly nine o’clock. Turning the knob, I walked in and thought for a moment that the room was empty – but then I saw him. He was kneeling naked in the center of the room, his hands behind his neck.

  To say that I was surprised was an understatement.

  I walked to him slowly and knelt right in front of him on the hardwood floor. He looked up at me with wild eyes; his face was filled with uncontained emotion.

  “Jayden?” I asked.

  “Please…” his voice sounded so broken. “Please, I need Master Ethan.” My heart broke for him as I placed a hand on his bare shoulder.

  I had not been Master Ethan for so long. It was almost as if I had given him up, but as I looked at my devoted servant kneeling before me, begging to serve me, I knew that Master Ethan would not only emerge, but oblige.

  I stood before him, as he knelt naked and beautiful on the floor, and pulled off my shirt, shoes, and socks so that only my jeans remained. Taking a step closer to him, I ran my fingers over his hair. Closing his eyes, he sighed. Then I grasped his head and tilted his face to look up at me.

  “I saw the clock downstairs. You threw a temper tantrum like a three-year-old boy when you saw me in his arms, didn’t you?” I asked harshly and Jayden whimpered. “Didn’t you?”

  “Yes, Master Ethan,” he whispered. Fuck, I loved the way that sounded. I loved the way it came off of his perfect lips.

  “I think you should be punished, don’t you?” I asked, raising one eyebrow in question.

  “If it pleases you, Master Ethan,” he said, his voice gaining strength.

  “Very good, you have not forgotten your training,” I said, and let go of his hair, stroking it instead. “Stand,” I demanded and he leaned into my touch, closing his eyes before I led him over to the bondage frame where he had recently bound Connor and me. “Hold on to that top bar, and do not let go.” He reached up, having to stretch up on his toes to do so, and grabbed the bar with his hands. His legs were spread, as they should be. I left him stretched there and headed to the back wall for the leather flogger. As I struck him, the sounds of the leather striking his skin and his soft grunts as the pain radiated through his back and buttocks were like music to me.

  He gave an open-mouthed cry as I moved around to the front of his body and the flogger lightly slapped his hard cock, the release was exactly what he needed. Lightly, I slapped the flogger between his legs and he unconsciously spread them wider. He welcomed the freedom from the anguish that was tormenting him, he was silently begging for it. When every inch of his pale skin that I could safely whip was pink and warm, he was sweating, panting from the effort of holding on to the bar. After I granted permission for him to release the bar, he nearly fell to his knees. Returning to the back wall, I found several lengths of rope.

  When I returned, I had him fold his arms behind his back, each hand grabbing the opposite elbow where I bound them, but I left his legs free. I wrapped my arms around his stomach while helping him down to his knees, and I felt his muscles clench beneath my touch. Even after all this time, he was still so responsive to me. Once he was in position, stable on his knees, I brought over the low leather ottoman. Grabbing a bottle of lube from a side table, I knelt behind him and poured a generous amount over his straining erection. After setting the bottle on the floor, I wrapped my fingers around his cock, and started stroking him, forcing a low groan from his pursed lips. I ran my fingers over the head, over the shaft, between his legs, pumping him until his hips moved slightly against the motion of my hand. I leaned forward, pressing my lips to his neck.

  “That’s right, it’s my cock you want, isn’t it?” I murmured softly, and he moaned. “You want me to fuck you, don’t you?” He moved his hips harder against the motion of my hand. “Yes, I am your Master and you want to please me. Don’t you, my Jayden?” His breathing hitched, just once, and then he nodded silently. Pushing him forward over the ottoman, I picked up the lube from the floor next to me and slid my fingers into him. Fairly certain he hadn’t been penetrated in several months; I wanted to take it easy. After a moment, he began to push back into my fingers, grinding his hard cock into the soft leather. I stood quickly and shed my jeans, tossing them haphazardly to the side.

  I used my hands to spread him open to me, and pressed the head of my cock into his small entrance. He tensed, sucking in a breath. Pausing, I waited for him to relax before pushing forward again, easily sliding into him. He whimpered and I moved more slowly until he spread his knees apart, then I drove into him, holding his hips for leverage. I stopped deep inside of him, just feeling his muscles clench tightly around me. I began to thrust steadily into him, in a hard rhythm.

  Then, for the first time ever in a session, I started to have that feeling. It was the feeling I’d had with Gabriel at his house, the feeling I’d had with Jayden the night before he left. It burned in my chest and my fingers tightened convulsively into his soft skin. He uttered low, soft cries. They were almost whispers and I had to strain to catch them.

  “Oh God…” he gasped, and I saw that his hands were balled into fists. “Please… harder…” I gave him what he wanted, driving harder, deeper into him. “Yeah… yeah…” Then he whispered, “Ethan…” and was pushing back into me. I didn’t have the heart to chastise him, he sounded so broken. I simply stroked his hip, and his thigh, needing the comfort almost as much as he did. As his sounds became more pronounced, I felt my orgasm rapidly approaching. I couldn’t believe it. I was going to come. I don’t think it had ever happened that fast before.

  “Fuck… Jayden… I want you to come… That’s it, angel, come hard,” I cried. Feeling everything in me tightening, I sped up, chasing that feeling, the burning in my chest just made it that much more intense. Jayden was shaking under me, his legs trembling as he stroked himself against the soft cushion of the ottoman with abandon. He fucked it as he would any willing sub, hard and fast. Finally, a wild cry tore from him and he clenched around me. That was all it took. As my orgasm shot through me, I thrust hard into him in quick, lithe movements. Nearly collapsing on top of him, I shook from the intensity of it when it was over. I panted wildly, trying to catch my breath. Looking up, I saw that Jayden had turned his head to the side, resting it against the cool leather. I also noticed that his face was streaked with tears.

  Quickly, I untied his legs. Moving up, I untied each wrist. But before I could rub down his arms and legs, or administer any other kind of aftercare, he shot up and headed for the door, bolting through before I could call him back. I was shaken by his behavior, worried. Oh my God, had I hurt him? Why didn’t he safe word? Then another thought occurred to me, perhaps it wasn’t a physical pain. I threw my jeans back on quickly so I could go talk to him.

  When I reached his room on the third floor, I saw that the door slightly ajar, as if he had just flung it shut behind him as he fell through it – not quite getting it closed. I pushed it gently so as not to startle him and was about to say something when I saw him lying face-down on the bed, still nude, his face was
buried in a pillow, his shoulders shaking.

  I pressed my palm against the grainy surface of his bedroom door and my heart ached.

  I knew I was going to have to talk to him, and soon – but I needed to talk to Gabriel first. I was scared, for the first time in a very long time. What if I lost them both? Jayden was obviously upset, Gabriel wasn’t into my lifestyle. What if they both ended up resenting me? What if they both cut me out of their lives, like the malignancy that I was? I found that I just couldn’t work up the nerve to have those conversations yet. Trying to quell the panic that had suddenly taken root in my chest, I walked slowly down the hall to my room.

  Journal Entry – Apogee

  I have to write tonight, my mind, my emotions are in utter chaos. When I went into that room tonight and saw him waiting on his knees for me, I thought my heart would stop. He was beautiful in his subservience, but then he was beautiful outside of it as well. And then there was that feeling; that feeling in my chest that has been recently happening to me more and more, I want to explore that. I know that it started the night before Jayden left for Chicago.

  I had felt stupid making the request of him. I knew that it was going to be my last shot at finding that goddamn feeling that Lexi had been talking about. If I was going to figure out what love was, there were only two people on the planet that could show me. I had already tried with one; that was my last chance to try with the other. He understood. He took my hand and we went upstairs. He looked surprised when I bypassed the second floor and headed to my bedroom on the third. Stephen had told me that certain things should be kept separated in this type of relationship. Tonight, I wanted to keep the BDSM aspect of our relationship separate from what we were about to do. I wanted that moment, that connection with him to be entirely separate. We would just be Ethan and Jayden, looking for intimacy with each other that we could find in no other place.