In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  I took the lube out of the drawer so that once we started; we would not have to stop. I knew I wanted him to top, that for the first time in my life, I willingly wanted to be taken. That was a huge thing for me. It was not going to be easy. I tried to explain my reasoning to him, but it sounded feeble, even to my own ears. I was an emotional cripple, why did I think sex was going to fix that? I had wanted it, that feeling, so badly. I just didn’t think that I had the ability. He took my face in his hands and kissed me. It wasn’t like any other kiss we had shared. The fact that I had kissed him at all while he was my sub spoke volumes of my inability to remain in control with him. That kiss was deep and spiritual. His fingers slid into my hair as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I remember feeling a rush of burning need for him as our lips moved against each other’s with a deep seated longing.

  I loved the way I felt as he touched me. His caresses were gentle and sweet. I felt cared for … nurtured. Fuck, I couldn’t find the right word. No words seem adequate to describe the feeling. It was so goddamned infuriating. His hands, his mouth, worked my body perfectly, over my chest, and my stomach. By the time we were both naked, grinding against each other, I was more relaxed about what would happen. In fact, I was even a little eager. I still remember the feeling of his hot mouth around me; trying to help me loosen up, get me aroused so that he could more easily penetrate me.

  And when he did penetrate me, I was back in my own personal nightmare. All of sudden, I was that little boy again, powerless and helpless. I was terrified of the monster. I was being held down, I was screaming, begging him to stop. My body felt like it was being split in two, it hurt so badly. I screamed again, this time for my mother, but no sound came out. So I just shook my head over and over. Then, I heard a voice, like an angel’s voice, telling me that I was safe. I realized then that it wasn’t real. I wasn’t a child, lying on my stomach with my face pushed into a pillow to muffle my screams. I was safe in Jayden’s arms. My eyes opened, and unshed tears fell down my face. I felt mildly ashamed of them. I was a grown man, crying like a child. He tried to pull back, but I wouldn’t let him. I used my legs to pull him to me and nodded to let him know I was okay.

  He continued, slowly, stroking me as he did so. I looked up at him, and saw the raw emotion in his face. I threw my head back, the feelings overwhelming me. Suddenly, I felt like I was on fire. I felt warm all over – my chest, my stomach, everywhere. I cried out incoherently as my orgasm approached, I think I even told him that I loved him at one point. The last vestiges of the flashback were leaving me, and I could concentrate on the sheer pleasure coursing through me. I climaxed hard into his hand and he followed almost immediately after. It was like an explosion of emotion through me, and I felt literally drained as a result.

  He kissed me gently, and then got out of bed. I panicked and grabbed his arm. I wanted him to stay with me, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask him. So instead I just thanked him.

  Then he hit me with that fucking safe word. He couldn’t just let things go, he had to end it.

  I felt hollow – like he took everything with him—my heart, my mind, my very soul, when he walked out my bedroom door.

  Once again, I was alone.

  And I was broken.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The next week was awkward to say the least. Gabriel had been working long hours preparing a presentation. A company needed a team of attorneys on retainer due to some recent lawsuits they were facing. Gabriel’s law office was one of those up for consideration, and they would be a huge client for his firm to land. Throughout the week, we sent text messages back and forth, and he called to tell me that he was looking forward to seeing me the following week. The presentation was on Monday, and he would have to work through the weekend. We had made plans to get together for our next date on Friday, and had planned to throw some steaks on the grill and just relax in his back yard.

  On the other hand, Jayden avoided me. While he had a beautiful, spacious home, there was no way that we could continually miss each other entirely by coincidence. I had, however, seen a lot of Connor and Lexi. It seemed that they were always together. Not for the first time I wished that I could talk to Jayden about my suspicions.

  I stared at my screen for nearly fifteen minutes without actually seeing it. My mind replayed the images of my aborted intimacy with Gabriel; it replayed the images of my recent session with Jayden. I recalled with perfect clarity the expression on Gabriel’s face when I called him ‘baby’. It was like a light had been lit inside of him and that touched me. Then I thought about seeing Jayden lying broken on his bed. If he really did have feelings for me, if he wanted more than just my friendship, I wondered why he hadn’t he said anything.

  Bringing myself out of my reverie, I scanned through my inbox. Most of it was mundane, ads touting new products for companies that I’d ordered from, notifications for website updates, a change of email from a colleague, and a message from Nicole. A little nervous that it had to do with my house, I opened hers first. When I scanned through the contents, I sighed. Ryan wanted to apply again to be my sub. While I appreciated his enthusiasm, it wasn’t a relationship I wanted to enter into. My life was complicated enough as it was and he just didn’t do it for me. I had to feel at least some kind of physical attraction to my subs or I would not find the sexual gratification that I sought. Unfortunately, since I had approached Nicole about collaring Jayden a couple of years ago, Ryan had asked regularly to give him a chance. He assumed since I had no sub it was the perfect time, but he was shockingly wrong about that.

  It had been days since my session with Jayden and my mind was still a little chaotic. I thought back to Jayden naked and writhing, too excited to contain himself and I started to become aroused. I got up out of the desk chair and moved over to my bed. Stripping off the t-shirt, shorts and boxers I wore, I climbed naked to the center. I thought about Jayden as I began to rub my nipples, but I found that I ached when I thought about him, so I thought of Gabriel instead, his hands and mouth on me. Rolling over to pull the lube from my bedside table I glimpsed my cell phone sitting there and got a wicked idea.

  Opening it, I scrolled through my contacts until I found Gabriel’s name. I chose to send a text message and then typed:

  Busy?

  His response was almost immediate, as if he had been waiting for me to text.

  No, I’m free for about an hour. What’s up?

  Perfect. I opened the bottle and poured a very small measure of lube into my left palm and began to stroke my cock until it pulsed in my hand. I didn’t usually masturbate left-handed, but I would need my right hand free. Pressing the camera key on my phone, I took a picture of my hand on my erection and sent it to Gabriel. Laughing softly to myself, I settled back onto the pillows and spread my legs wider.

  I stroked my cock down the shaft slowly to the base and then let my hand continue to travel down between my legs. I was massaging my balls lightly when my phone chirped with an incoming text. It was a picture of Gabriel; he had unzipped his perfectly pressed black dress pants, and pulled his briefs down just enough to free his erection, grasping himself tightly in the image. In reply, I took my phone and held it down between my legs to take a picture of my hand as it continued to massage between my legs before hitting send. Less than sixty seconds later, my phone rang. I was laughing when I answered.

  “You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?” Gabriel asked breathlessly. “I went from stressed about my next meeting to unequivocally horny in seconds. It’s enough to make my head spin. It was all I could to do get my office door locked.”

  “Unequivocally, eh?” I asked, amused.

  “Undeniably,” he moaned and the sound made my stomach clench. I moved my hand back up and stroked myself harder. “I wish you were here. I want to ride you on my office chair. I’d love to be naked and pressed against my floor to ceiling window overlooking the skyline. God, I just want to feel you.” It was my turn to moan.

  “I like the
idea of you up against the window, your cock pressed against the cold glass as I fuck you from behind. That would be so hot,” I said in nearly a whisper, as the scene played out in my mind. His legs spread, his palms on the glass, his head pushed back against my shoulder as he groaned.

  “I can almost feel your fingers gripping my hips as you drive into me,” he groaned, and I heard him change positions. The creak of the leather was audible through the phone and I imagined him settling back into the chair.

  “No,” I said with the vision still clear in my mind. “My arms would be around you.” I could almost hear the shifting of the image in his mind in the open-mouthed groan that came through the phone to me. My name was discernible in that sound and I found that I liked that. I like that a lot. When I heard him moving around on the other end of the phone I had to ask, “What are you doing?”

  “I just stripped from the waist down,” he sighed, a little out of breath.

  “Describe it for me?”

  He sighed softly and then began, “I am in my leather office chair in just a shirt and tie. It’s a white shirt with a blue and black tie.” I could almost hear his smirk as he described what he was wearing. It was like a phone sex operator and I had to chuckle. “I have on a wireless ear piece so that my hands are … free. I’m stroking myself with my right hand, my thumb and forefinger grazing occasionally across the head of my cock. My left leg is over the arm of the chair, and…” he stopped, as if he were embarrassed to continue.

  “And what? Don’t feel self-conscious, what you’re telling me is fucking turning me on. Please… don’t stop,” I begged and heard him blow out a breath in one long sigh.

  “My left hand is… beneath me, and I have my fingers inside of me, imagining that it’s you. I’m … fucking myself slowly as I stroke,” he finished shyly.

  My mind went absolutely wild with that image. Gabriel was sitting back in his chair so that his ass was only partially on the front of the chair, his leg over the arm, spread open just for me with his head pressed back into the leather as he worked to get himself off with his fingers and hand. I gripped my cock tighter, concentrating on the end, stroking hard and fast.

  “Close…” I moaned into the phone. “So fucking close…”

  “I wish I were there, you could come deep into my throat,” he described, and that image flashed into my mind—Gabriel, on his knees in front of me in the posture restraint, bound, helpless with my fingers tight in his hair as I fucked his mouth. He whimpered in my ear through the phone and that’s all it took, my orgasm ripped through me, and I climaxed, cursing and crying out as my semen pooled on my stomach.

  “Please may I come?” I heard as I started to recover and I sat straight up in the bed.

  “What did you say?” I asked him breathlessly.

  “I said I’m going to… fucking … uhhhhhhh… Ethan…” he cried as he followed suit, grunting and swearing as he climaxed. Idly, I wondered if he was messing up his pristine white shirt.

  “Shit…” he panted, and I was brought back sharply to the conversation. Trying to figure out what I had imagined would have to wait, I didn’t want to give him any indication at how unsettled I was. “That was fun.” I gave a breathless chuckle. “Though, I haven’t had to dive for Kleenex in a long time. I have a change of clothes here, but still.” My mind was still reeling. I could understand the fantasy–I was a Dom, that’s what turned me on. But… what about mishearing him?

  “That was fun,” I agreed.

  “I’m really looking forward to Friday night, Ethan,” Gabriel said, and I heard him moving around, probably redressing for his next meeting.

  “I am too,” I told him honestly. I was looking forward to getting out the house just as much as I was looking forward to seeing him. “What time?”

  “How about right after work? We can hang out by the pool until we’re ready to start the grill, maybe have a little wine?” he asked tentatively.

  “That sounds great, I’ll be there about five then.”

  * * * *

  “I’m glad they decided to go with your firm, you deserve the recognition,” I chuckled, remembering his exuberant call on Monday afternoon. Apparently, the presentation had gone well and the board of directors had made their decision earlier. I pulled my trunks on, and sat back on his bed. In anticipation of returning there later, I had tossed my bag up near the pillows. He caught me checking him out as he finished changing and raised an eyebrow at me, the beginning of a smile forming. Shrugging, I stood up, following him out the door and through his house to the pool in his backyard. Gabriel jumped in first, and without further consideration I jumped in to the deep end. It felt fairly analogous, Gabriel already in the pool, and me jumping into the deep end – kind of like our relationship. I just hoped that I would be able to swim.

  While Jayden’s indoor pool was an extravagance that he and Lexi used only on occasion, Gabriel had been a swimmer in high school and college. When he first told me about it, I was fascinated by his excitement on the subject. Apparently, it was something Gabriel loved and was passionate about, and he was sharing it with me. It made me feel even worse for not telling him about my lifestyle.

  The lifestyle.

  That night, I would most likely be breaking one of my most fundamental rules, engaging in a sexual relationship outside of my relationship with Jayden and Lexi. For their protection and mine, it was a rule that I set with each and every sub I had ever collared. Although, it wasn’t exactly the same because we had no formal agreement, no collars, but it felt like I was breaking the agreement.

  Gabriel broke me from my thoughts by swimming up beside me. Side by side we swam several lengths back and forth across the pool. Gabriel could have easily outpaced me but instead he kept pace with me, more interested in proximity than competition. That’s one of the things that I really liked about Gabriel, he didn’t feel the need to constantly prove himself. We floated on our backs for a while in the late afternoon sun. It was nice to just relax with him, to have an unstructured evening where we could just be comfortable together.

  That contentment came crashing to an end when I pushed up onto the side of the pool to get out and I heard Gabriel gasp behind me. Quickly I turned to sit on the edge of the pool and face him. He jumped up beside me, his face anxious and troubled.

  “Gabriel, what…” I began to ask, but he put his hands on my shoulders and I felt them trembling. Gently he turned me so that I was facing away from him. I was mildly alarmed by his behavior until I felt his fingers gingerly touching my back—then I understood. I knew my session with Dominique had left scars; I just hadn’t thought about it when I took my shirt off. I thought back, wondering how he had not seen them before. During our intimacy on the couch, my back had been against the cushion. When I had got up and redressed, he had been answering the door. Earlier when I had changed into my trunks, I had been facing him. When I’d jumped into the pool, he was already in. He’d never had the opportunity to see them – until now.

  “Are they from…Did he…” he stammered, unable to even form the questions he wanted to ask. I knew what he wanted to know; he thought that my captor had tortured me. I had no doubt that he would be sickened and repulsed by the truth.

  “No,” I told him softly, turning around to him once again, but I just couldn’t look him in the eye. I spoke quietly to my lap, “The pain it…it helps me to forget for a while.” We were silent for a long moment. Then I felt his fingers under my chin. I looked up to meet his eyes and found that they were wet. Somehow, I didn’t think that was from the pool.

  “There are better ways to forget, Ethan,” he said in almost a whisper and slowly got to his feet. I thought for a moment that he was leaving, but then he held out his hand to me. I took it without hesitation, thankful that he had offered it. He could just as easily have called me a sick fuck and gone in the house. He led me through the back door and up the stairs to his room. My wary gaze followed him as he went to get towels. When he returned nude, but dry, he stoo
d in front of me and pulled my trunks down slowly, watching my eyes as I stepped out of them and he tossed them to the side. While he continued to kneel in front of me, he dried my legs in long, slow strokes. Next he moved to my hips and my buttocks, being careful not to make his touches sexual. He rubbed down my back, my stomach, and my shoulders. Finally he started to towel dry my hair.

  He was so gentle, his touch full of the emotions he had not yet expressed to me. I felt … loved. All of a sudden, it was too much. I reached up, grabbed the towel and flung it to the floor. Taking him into my arms, I pressed my lips tightly against his – over and over. The guilt over the talk I kept postponing bubbled in my chest, but it was not the time. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and pressed his hard body against mine as I moaned into the ever-deepening kiss. He pulled back slightly, still wrapped in my arms and pressed his lips to my neck.

  “Make love to me, Ethan,” he whispered into my ear as he pulled me onto the bed. A shiver ran though me and I nodded, turning so that I could capture his lips with mine once more. Quickly, I reached for my bag as I knelt in the middle of the bed. Facing away from me, Gabriel straddled me, his legs on the outside of mine. I rolled on a condom, and then used the lube to get him ready. Taking a little of the excess, I stroked him and was rewarded with a deep, lazy groan as he reached back and up to gently fist the hair at the back of my head. He pushed back slowly, and I held my cock steady with my hand, allowing him to lower himself onto it. As I felt the head of my cock gently penetrate him, I wrapped my other arm around his waist and pulled him to me. His head fell back on my shoulder as he began to move.