In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  Soon, that glass and two more were gone. Floating on my back in the water, I thought about where I wanted my life to go. As I saw it, I had three options – stay with Gabriel, go back to Jayden and Lexi, or return to Washington alone. The last choice was the easiest to rule out; I didn’t want to be alone. For the first time in my life I wasn’t alone and I didn’t want to lose that. The first choice was the hardest. I cared about Gabriel, although I couldn’t say that I loved him yet because I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. I questioned myself and the real reason I was with Gabriel, worried I was only with him to appease my loneliness or because Jayden was unavailable. It was unfair, he deserved better than the half of myself that I could give him. He deserves to be loved and needed by a whole person – not by me. But I am inherently a selfish creature, and I didn’t want to give up the comfort that he gave me. Christ, that sounded so fucking awful.

  I deserved to end up alone.

  Between the alcohol and the swimming, I was completely relaxed. Rather than sleeping on one of the lounge chairs and risking sunburn, I dried off, and put the mostly empty pitcher in the refrigerator. After heading up to Gabriel’s bedroom to lie down for a while, I relaxed onto the bed with my head on his pillow, inhaling his scent. My cock hardened. I was relaxed, drunk, and hard, so I thought about the shower that morning. No one had ever done that for me before. Spreading my legs wide over his big, soft bed, I ran my hands over my chest, my legs, and my hips.

  I massaged my balls with one hand, using the other to stroke my cock as I closed my eyes and thought about what he would look like riding me. My hips would thrust up into his, causing him to bounce and buck on top of me with a look of sheer pleasure on his beautiful face as he moaned and writhed. But, as my cock jumped in my hand and I felt my orgasm almost upon me, the vision changed. Suddenly, I was in the playroom, my playroom, and Jayden was riding me. His hands were bound over his head, which was thrown back, his cock erupting all over my…

  My world exploded as I climaxed hard over my chest and stomach. As I lay there panting, wondering what had just happened, the guilt seeped into my stomach like a dense fog. I’d just jacked off in Gabriel’s bed thinking about Jayden.

  Could I get any more fucked up?

  I fell asleep curled up naked on Gabriel’s bed, and slept better than I had in a long time. Even though I’d fallen asleep in the early evening, it was early morning before my stomach and my bladder forced me from his very comfortable bed. I made it downstairs about ten minutes later and started coffee. Looking over, I saw that my phone was flashing with a voicemail. I scrolled through the list of incoming calls and saw that it was from Gabriel. Pleased, I punched in my voicemail password and listened to the message. He was just told me he’d arrived safely, missed me and that he loved thinking about me lying in his bed. That just made me feel guilty all over again. He ended with a simple, sweet, yet incredibly troubling “love you”. It troubled me because I should be able to return that simple sentiment, and yet I couldn’t – because I’m emotionally retarded.

  I took my coffee into his office and rummaged through his desk until I found a legal pad and pen. I wrote about how I felt about Gabriel – he was everything I could have asked for – loving, attentive, patient, kind, understanding, passionate, and inventive. He’s safe and comfortable, and I know that I could see myself staying with him forever. He’d never given any indication that he was into my lifestyle, but our shower yesterday proved that our sex life would be anything but mundane. Then there was Jayden. Jayden was exciting, combustible, loyal, protective, jealous, and…taken. Jayden was everything that I should have stayed far away from, but couldn’t. However, if circumstances were different, I could see myself staying with him forever. My third alternative was to just go it alone. I could head back to Washington and talk to Nicole about taking Ryan on as a sub. I could live my life without either Gabriel or Jayden, and not be forced to make that kind of heartbreaking decision. I wished I could figure it out already, I needed to talk to Jayden and Lexi in a few hours, and I still had no idea what I wanted to say.

  The entire way back to Jayden and Lexi’s house, I went over in my head what we needed to talk about. I would not sub for Jayden again, period, as my trust in his judgment was lost. My sexual relationship with them was also over, which to be honest, scared the hell out of me. What if I did need something to clear the chaos in my mind? Would Gabriel’s level of intimacy be enough – would his love be enough? It killed me to think that it wouldn’t. I couldn’t even stand to think about the look of disappointment that Gabriel would affix me with when he found out about my lifestyle. However, I pushed that out of my head, I needed to focus on the conversation that was about to take place.

  All of the cars were in the drive, and the door was unlocked when I headed in. While I didn’t see anyone in the living room, I heard a giggle from the kitchen. Odds were if she was in the kitchen, Jayden would be there too. As I entered though the kitchen doorway, I was literally stopped in my tracks at the sight before me. Lexi was kneeling on the kitchen floor in front of Connor; his pants and briefs were around his knees, and Lexi had his hard cock in her hand. It was well outside the boundaries of the playroom, and she was going to hurt Jayden if she kept it up. Rage coursed through me.

  “What the fuck is going on here?” I asked in a low, deadly voice. I wanted to yell it, scream it at them, but I didn’t want Jayden to come down and walk in on them. How the fuck could she do this with Jayden right upstairs? How the fuck could she do this at all? How could she hurt him like this? Connor spun to face me, his cock still hanging lewdly out of his clothes, his face anxious. Lexi tossed something onto the table as Connor jerked his pants up.

  “Connor, would you excuse us for a while? We can finish this later,” Lexi said calmly. What the fuck did she mean ‘finish this later’? Did she have no shame at all? Connor stood perfectly still, obviously unwilling to leave Lexi alone with me as angry as I was. “It’s okay Connor. Go upstairs, and I’ll come and talk to you in a little while.” I looked at Lexi, incredulous. Finally, he took the hint and left the room. I knew it wasn’t his fault; that Lexi was the one taking advantage, but it still pissed me off.

  As Connor rounded the corner to head upstairs, Lexi rounded on me. “What the hell is your problem, Ethan?” she questioned in a low voice.

  “Oh, I don’t know—you on your knees for that guy in Jayden’s kitchen maybe? What would you have done if Jayden had walked in on you two instead of me? You’re in the fucking kitchen, for God’s sake.” My voice was low and harsh.

  “I would have told him that I was measuring Connor for a harness. We’re looking for someone to take over his training, and we’ll have people coming by. I thought a harness and leash were appropriate,” she said in a scathing tone, picking up the object she’d tossed on the table when I came in. It was a tape measure.

  Of course they would harness him to put him through his paces, but that didn’t alleviate my concerns about the other things I’d seen though, so I continued.

  “Why did you safe word that night with the wax? I have never once seen you safe word. Ever. He wasn’t in danger, you weren’t in danger. Why did you stop the scene?” I asked her, not quite sure I wanted to hear the answer anymore. She looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

  “He was screaming, Ethan, or did you not notice? If I had been screaming like that in a scene – what would you have done? If you had been screaming like that, what would Nicole have done? I had to calm him down. Thank God I did because I was able to find out the reason he freaked out so badly,” she said sighing as she sat down at the table. I stood where I was with my arms crossed, watching her. “I went to see Connor after the session, and found him sobbing in his room. I held him, trying to find out what made him so upset. Finally, he told me. When he was a young boy, his house burned to the ground. His mother was trapped inside, and his father tried to get in to save her. He listened to his mother screaming, and his father trying to reach her. In the end, his
father was crippled and his mother died. When he saw the flames, and heard me screaming, it triggered something in him. You of all people should be able to understand that, Ethan.”

  All too well I understood.

  “Connor feels comfortable with me, and we’ve been talking through things – just like you and I used to talk through things.”

  Then she stood up from the table and walked over to me. I thought for a minute she was going to hug me but she didn’t. She pushed me hard into the refrigerator. Completely unprepared for the force of her blow, I almost fell to the floor. “I can’t believe after all these years you would think that I would be capable of that, Ethan!” Her eyes flashed with fury, her face was flushed. “I have never ever been anything but faithful to you during our arrangement. You are the one who went out and found someone else to fuck while you were playing with us. You fucking hypocrite.”

  “Hey, what is going on here?” Jayden asked as he ran into the room. “Jesus, Lexi, I heard you all the way upstairs.” He grabbed her around the waist, and pulled her back as she attempted to push me again. I stood there stunned as she struggled to get out of Jayden’s arms, and realized I had never seen Lexi so angry.

  “How could you think that about me? You are the one who let yourself get emotional with your sub. You are the one who took it outside the playroom. You are the one who hasn’t told your little boy toy that you tie Jayden up and fuck him. You Ethan, not me!” she yelled. I was completely shocked.

  She was absolutely right.

  I had just accused her of everything that I had done myself. Only she wasn’t the one that was guilty of it, I was.

  “Okay, I’m going to take Lexi upstairs. Tomorrow, we’re going to see that art exhibit that you and Lexi wanted to see. I’d put it off, but tomorrow is the last day it will be there,” Jayden said, still holding Lexi firmly against his chest. “The three of us are going together. We need to find some way to reconnect with each other. We have been so close for so long, I can’t stand the thought of losing that. Please. Then, we’ll have dinner, come home and open a bottle of wine, and talk. All of us. About everything.”

  “Lexi, I—” I started, but she stopped me. When she looked up at me, the hurt in her eyes was staggering, and I felt a sharp pang of guilt. It was my Lexi, my best friend, and I had hurt her. All she had done was comfort the boy because of a horrible trauma he’d had to live through and I raked her over the coals for it. She was such a good person, and yet again – I was the monster. I was the one who was taking advantage of everyone that I knew. I was selfish.

  I don’t think I’d ever hated myself more than I did in that moment.

  “I don’t want to talk to you right now, Ethan. I love you, but I don’t really like you right now,” she twisted out of Jayden’s arms and ran up the stairs, sobbing as she reached the landing on the second floor. Jayden followed quickly behind her, and I hoped he would be able to comfort her.

  I thought about calling Gabriel, but found that I just didn’t have the heart. Lexi was right about me, everything that she had been holding back in order to not hurt me came flooding over me in that moment. I couldn’t sit and talk to Gabriel knowing that tomorrow night I could very well be alone. Jayden and I would talk, Lexi and I would talk, and Gabriel and I would talk – and each one of them had every reason to walk away from me.

  They should.

  I caused nothing but devastation and pain to everyone that came into contact with me. My parents, Jayden, Lexi, and Gabriel – maybe they’d all just be better off if I went back to Washington alone.

  I sat down at the table with my head in my hands.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  “We can drive over to my building and walk from the garage,” Jayden suggested pensively, in an attempt to keep things light. After they had gone to bed last night, I had sat up thinking until the early hours of the morning. I hadn’t been able to sleep; all I did was replay in my mind the shocked and wounded expression on Lexi’s face over and over. She had been there for me for a very long time, not once had she ever done anything to earn my behavior toward her the night before.

  The short ride over to the garage was silent; Jayden didn’t even turn on the radio as he sat in the front seat with Lexi, lightly holding her hand. Again, I was struck by a strong, unnerving wave of loneliness at their casual affection. I decided that I couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

  “Lexi?” I asked hesitantly, not sure exactly how I wanted to continue.

  “Yes, Ethan?” she replied in an uninviting tone.

  “I… uhmmm…” I started. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for doubting her, that she was still my best friend, but I couldn’t. So I switched topics quickly. “I got you a custom frame for your masters’ diploma. I’ve arranged with the school to send it to the framer. You should have it in about twelve weeks.” She turned all the way around in her seat to look at me. The expression on her face told me that she thought I’d lost my mind.

  “Thank you. That was very thoughtful,” she said quietly before turning back around in the seat. The rest of the trip was met with silence. When we pulled into the garage, I noticed Jayden watching me in the mirror, but he didn’t say anything.

  After Jayden pulled the car into a space, I got out next to Lexi. Closing the door, I turned to move so that she could walk past me, but she grabbed my hand and I turned to face her. Too ashamed to meet her eyes, I was looking at the ground. Suddenly, she wrapped her arms around my waist and put her head on my chest.

  “I’m sorry that I yelled at you,” she mumbled into my shirt. I pulled back and tilted her chin up so that she was looking at me.

  “You have no reason to be sorry, Lexi. You were absolutely right. I am the one that is sorry. Can you forgive me?” I asked her gently. She stood on tiptoe and kissed my cheek.

  “Of course I forgive you,” she said, a smile playing across her lips.

  “Thank you, my Lexi,” I said softly into her ear before I caught myself. “Well, I guess I can’t exactly call you ‘my Lexi’ anymore now, can I?” I chuckled. She put her head on my chest again.

  “You were my first Dom, Ethan. In a way, I’ll always be your Lexi,” she whispered while I held her tightly. When she pulled away, Jayden walked over and put his arms around me.

  “I’m sorry, Ethan,” he apologized solemnly. I thought back to his voicemails when he had said that he was the one causing me pain, but by the look on his face, I knew that he was taking the pain on himself. I just hoped that after our talk that night some of his pain would be gone.

  “You have forgiven me for my mistakes, Jayden. I forgive you for yours,” I said softly and turned my head to kiss his neck tenderly. Lexi put her arm around me and I saw her put the other around Jayden. We stood there, in the parking garage, just holding each other for a long moment.

  “Okay then,” I said, clearing my throat. “Before we start to sing Kumbaya, let’s go see this exhibit.” Jayden and Lexi laughed, the somber mood was broken. We came out of the garage on to Michigan Avenue just a few blocks from the Art Institute. We talked for the rest of the walk about where we would go to dinner later. Then, just as we reached the light to cross over Michigan Avenue, Lexi’s cell phone rang.

  “Oh! That must be Nicole calling with an update on your house. She called last night and said she had to hire a new caretaker,” Lexi explained as she pulled out her cell phone. She hit the button to answer as she stepped off the curb to cross. The scream ripped from my throat was drowned out by the sound of screeching tires as the cab driver saw her, but he wasn’t fast enough. Jayden and I watched in horrifying slow motion as Lexi’s legs were struck by the front of the cab, her head crashing into the hood before she rebounded and slumped to the ground. I was already in motion but was unable to prevent her head from slamming into the pavement. Within seconds, I got to her and my medical training finally kicked in. I began to assess her, and my heart clenched when I realized how injured she was.

  “Jayden!” I called
to him over the screams and panicked cries of the crowd. He stood frozen, a look of horror on his face as Lexi’s blood began to spread over the top of her pink t-shirt. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a police officer on his radio and prayed he was calling for help.

  “Jayden!” I screamed again, desperate. He looked down into my face and the anguish in his eyes nearly took my breath away. “I need you!” Finally he processed what I was saying and ran to Lexi’s other side. He fell to his knees, removed his jacket, and laid it over her, covering her extremities, which were already starting to lose their warmth.

  “Lexi, baby, can you hear me?” he cried, his voice cracking. To my surprise, Lexi opened her eyes.

  “Jayden, apply pressure to the wound on her leg. Use this,” I instructed, pulling off my sweatshirt. Throwing it at him, I removed my t-shirt as well, using it to apply pressure to her head wound. I knew at least one of her legs was broken, but my main concerns were her head contusions and the bleeding. I pushed sticky, matted hair out of her eyes and saw both pupils appeared to be reactive to the light. I wished for my medical bag.

  “Can you hear me, Lexi?” I asked her as the flashing lights of the ambulance washed across her pale face. The cop had been the one to call for help; allowing the ambulance to arrive much faster than they would have normally, giving her at least a fighting chance.

  “Jayden…” she said, so weakly, I almost didn’t hear her over the noise of the crowd and street traffic.

  “He’s right here, honey,” I told her and Jayden leaned over so she could see his face.

  “I’m here, darlin’,” he sobbed and took her hand.

  “Love you,” she whispered and smiled up at him.

  “Don’t you do that!” he growled at her, “Don’t you say goodbye to me. I love you too, and you are going to be fine.”

  He looked up at me, but I had no reassurances for him. Reading that in my face, he paled even further. Her survival depended on how badly her internal injuries were.