In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  The crowd parted with the help of the officer and the paramedics came through with a stretcher. After telling them I was a doctor, I gave them all of the pertinent facts I had as they began to stabilize her as best as they could on scene. She was pale and bleeding heavily from her head and legs. I wished they could give her something for the pain, but she needed to be properly assessed first. My heart broke with the tears on her blood-streaked face.

  “Come on, doc, you can ride with us,” one of the paramedics said to me. I shook my head and pushed Jayden forward. If she coded on route, I wanted her to be with the one she loved. Then my heart clenched – if she coded on route. She couldn’t code. Please, I thought desperately.

  “He rides,” I told him and he pulled Jayden along into the bus. I caught one last look at Jayden’s pale, frightened face as they closed the doors.

  “Northwestern?” The cop asked from next to me, and handed me a Chicago PD t-shirt before throwing a gym bag back into the back seat. I thanked him and started looking around for a cab. “Come on, man, I’ll take you over there. You did a good thing here. We’ll follow the rig,” he offered, letting me to climb into the front of the cruiser.

  We pulled into the ambulance bay just seconds after they had unloaded Lexi. A shell-shocked Jayden standing off to the side, watching as they pushed her through the doors. He looked so lost, my heart ached for him. My heart ached for me too. I grabbed Jayden by the arm and we made our way into the ER waiting room, and I got him seated before going to find an ER doctor. Wanting to do what I could to help, I wanted to provide Lexi’s medical history. Afterwards, I went back to the waiting room to find Jayden out in the garden on his cell phone talking to Kimberly.

  “Ethan, it’s been two hours,” Kimberly said from the couch next to Jayden. She was being very quiet and kind, for which I was thankful. Jayden was holding his head in his hands and she rubbed his back absently. “Shouldn’t they have come out and said something by now?”

  “They’re trying to stabilize her. Their priority is her, not us. When they can, they will—” I started, but was cut off by the sound of my name.

  “Dr. Bryant?” A voice asked from near the door. Jayden and I launched out of chairs. Jayden’s face was pale, almost haunted as he waited anxiously for news of Lexi. Her blood still stained his clothes, like some ghoulish reminder of how precarious the situation was. I reminded myself to ask Kimberly to go to the house once we had some idea how Lexi was.

  “I’m Dr. Bryant,” I told the nurse, and she asked me to follow her, Lexi’s doctor wanted to speak to me. I heard Kimberly in the background asking why the hell it was me they wanted to talk to. I guess I was still listed in Lexi’s medical file as her medical proxy. We were led into an open room where Lexi lay in the center on a gurney, bloody gauze littered the floor, machines surrounded her, each one recording her vitals or providing fluids. They had stopped the bleeding, and she had undergone intubation. Jayden gasped when he saw her, and I felt him shaking beside me.

  “She has an epidural hematoma,” the doctor announced gravely, and my chest tightened. “We need to stop the bleeding and get it drained to relieve the pressure. Also, we need to determine the extent of the damage. When we come out, we will know much more about her condition and her chance of survival.”

  “So, she has to have surgery in order to relieve the pressure?” Jayden asked me in a frightened voice and I nodded. “Is she going to be okay?” I couldn’t lie; it would give him false hope. After seeing the scans, I knew her chances weren’t good, but I couldn’t say it out loud so I shook my head. Choking out a sob, he nodded. They came to tell us that they were ready to take her to surgery and I would be allowed to see her in recovery. I expected Jayden to protest, but he just wanted to do what was best for Lexi, and he remained quiet.

  He left to go back out to the waiting room, looking like a caged animal finally able to escape. Jayden’s shoulders were hunched, like an unbearable weight was trying to force him to bend. I knew that he wanted to tell his sister what was happening just to get away from his crushing grief, even just for a moment. I stayed with Lexi, stroking her hair, knowing they would shave it when they got her up to surgery. Although if it saved her life, I doubted that she’d mind.

  “I don’t know if you can hear me, but before you go in there, I want to tell you that I love you Lexi. You’re my best friend, and I don’t know that I can live without you. Please, please come back to us. You know it will kill him; you can’t do that to him. Please, Lexi.” I whispered and felt a tear fall down my cheek. It wasn’t fair that it had to be her; it should be me lying in that bed. She was sweet, and kind, and thoughtful. I was the monster.

  The orderlies came in with a few nurses and they took Lexi out of the room. Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I headed back to Jayden. I had to be strong for her, for him.

  I had to be strong for me.

  * * * *

  The surgery to reduce the swelling in Lexi’s brain took six long hours. Jayden was frantic by the time the surgeon came out to talk to us. He looked at us for a long time before telling us that the surgery had been partially successful. The swelling had gone down, but they were unable to repair some of the damage. They had hoped for a better result. He said that we could come up to see her when she was out of recovery, and then he pulled me off to the side.

  “We were unable to repair the epidural hematoma and she bled out. She has a hernia of the brain through the bottom of the skull which injured the brain stem. She is unable to breathe on her own. We will be performing a blood flow analysis in the morning to determine the next course of action,” he informed me.

  I let out a breath and nodded. It was about as bad as it could be, and I held out little hope that she would survive. I didn’t know what to tell Jayden.

  I went up to her room and found him sitting in a chair next to her bed. Wearing an oversized sweatshirt, evidently one that belonged to Josh, he looked so tired, and somehow younger than when I’d seen him just a few minutes ago. He reminded me of a lost little boy and it hurt just to look at him knowing that I was going to have to devastate him further. He didn’t look up when I came in but instead just sat holding her hand. His head rested on their entwined hands, and I barely resisted the urge to wrap my arms around him. The scene was so heart-wrenching that I was almost unable to break the silence. Unfortunately, I had to.

  “Jayden,” I said quietly, and he looked up, his hair disheveled, his eyes red and raw. My words froze in my throat as I looked into his eyes, so full of pain already. Even more than my heart ached for Lexi, it ached for the man she would leave behind.

  “What did they say?” he asked, his face so full of hope that it was almost physically painful to say the next words.

  “It’s not good. They weren’t able to repair what they needed to. They were able to stop the bleeding, but it may not help. They’re going to do a test tomorrow to determine if she will be able to function on her own.” I said, and his hands started to tremble. He nodded. I didn’t think he could take any more, so I stopped.

  It was a long night with just the three of us in her room. Kimberly had gone home to get another change of clothes for Jayden and me. She was incredible supportive of Jayden, and I couldn’t help but let my judgment of her slide some. Her brother was hurting, and she was doing everything she could to lessen his burden. Somehow she read in him his need to be alone with Lexi and me, and when he still told her just to stay at home, she didn’t argue. There wasn’t anything anyone could do until morning. Jayden and I spent a very long night taking turns talking to Lexi and holding her hand. Neither of us slept, neither of us wanted to put it into words, but we couldn’t bear to waste what little time we had left with her. Thankfully, her muscle spasms had lessened with the new medication they had put her on; it was killing me to see the hope in Jayden’s eyes each time that she moved.

  When the time came, they took her for the study. She looked so small, helpless, and battered. Jayden kissed her bandaged for
ehead and collapsed into a chair. We didn’t bother playing cards, or even reading the paper. We just sat at opposite sides of her room waiting for her to come back, for our worst fears to be confirmed.

  They were.

  They wheeled her back in and the neurologist, a Doctor Rawlings, confirmed that she had no blood flow to the brain. The doctor asked if she had a living will and I told him that she did, and that I had asked Nicole to fax it. It meant she needed to be taken off of life support. Jayden pushed me out of the way.

  “No!” he cried, facing the doctor. “She has no family, she means everything to me. Can’t we just talk about this before you just pull the… No… I won’t let you do this!” Then he turned on me. “Ethan please… please don’t do this. Don’t kill her!” The words slapped me in the face. I can’t believe that’s what he thought this was. Did he really think that I could just end her life without any kind of forethought? He had to know that I wouldn’t take this course of action if we had any other option. I had to wonder if he knew how much harder he was making this for me.

  “What about her organs?” The doctor asked me as if he hadn’t heard Jayden. “Given her age, and her health, she is definitely a viable donor. Was there anything in her living will?” he asked hopefully, but I shook my head. “You should at least consider the option.”

  “Can we have a moment?” I asked the doctor and he left us alone in the room.

  “Ethan, you can’t do this.” Jayden begged, slightly calmer. “You can’t consider this as an option.”

  “Jayden, I have no choice. She put me in charge of medical decisions for her. I don’t know why she never changed it after she moved here to be with you, but she didn’t. That makes it my responsibility.” Then, I changed tactics and lowered my voice. “She wouldn’t want to live like this, Jayden, you know that. She has no brain function. She is not going to recover. The only thing that we can do now is abide by her wishes. Now, there was nothing in her paperwork, so I think you should decide about organ donation. She is a caring and loving person; I think that she would want it. But, that will be up to you,” I said, as I dropped into a chair, putting my hands over my face. Could I sign the papers that led to her death? She was my best friend, could I do that to her? I wouldn’t be much of a friend to her if I put my wishes, or Jayden’s wishes over hers, no matter how deep this was cutting me. Then the doctor came back a few minutes later with a clipboard and pen, I took them and sat down.

  Jayden watched me, his face a mask of pure agony. As I signed the paper giving them permission to end Lexi’s life, Jayden hit the floor on his knees, his face buried in his hands. On shaky legs, I stood and headed towards the door to give them time alone. Jayden grabbed my hand as I walked by. I sat in the chair next to him, and he threw his arms around my waist, his face pressed against my abdomen. He was crying so hard I could barely understand him.

  “I know it’s best for her Ethan, I just… Why couldn’t it have been me? Why her?” he sobbed into my tearstained shirt as the organ procurement manager stepped in to the room.

  “Please, leave them on the table there, I’ll sign them in a minute,” I told him and he did as I asked. Stroking his hair, I looked down at Jayden. “Can we let her help others, Jayden? You know she would have wanted that.” He nodded. With one hand on his soft hair, I leaned slightly and picked up the clipboard and pen, signing my name quickly before throwing it back on the table and taking Jayden in my arms. It would all be over soon.

  Within the hour, they were ready for the harvesting. I was immensely relieved they hadn’t called it that in front of Jayden, he was having a difficult enough time as it was. A surgical team came down to the room to prep her. Finally the horrifying time came for her to be taken to surgery where her organs would be removed and sent to different parts of the country in order to try to save a dozen lives, giving those people a whole new chance at life while our lives were full of grief and loss.

  This would be the very last time Jayden or I would see my Lexi alive. My Lexi. I didn’t know how I was going to stand the insurmountable pain that was just on the other side of the door. Looking over at Jayden, I noticed that his stubble had taken over his handsome face. He had always been so meticulous about his hair and clothes that I’d never seen him go even one day without shaving. It was an odd thing to notice, especially now, but it just reinforced how foreign this situation was…to both of us. Jayden swayed a little on his feet, and I knew that I needed to get him home and maybe with a little pharmaceutical help, to sleep. I kissed her forehead gently and then left the room while Jayden said goodbye. He looked haunted when he walked out of the room. Waiting, we stood on opposite sides of the hall until they wheeled her out past us and towards the operating room. That would be the last time we saw her alive.

  Once we returned home, I had given Jayden a sedative that I picked up at the hospital pharmacy with the help of Lexi’s ER physician. I knew it would help him rest and not think about the horrific day. He was asleep when the call came in from the hospital informing us that she was gone. The harvesting had been a success and all of her usable organs were now in transit.

  My Lexi was gone.

  My best friend was dead.

  I turned off my phone, swallowed one of the pills I had picked up for Jayden, and went upstairs to lie down. Not even bothering with the pretense of going to my own room, I walked into Jayden’s. Discarding my shoes, I gently sat on the side of the bed so that I didn’t disturb him before I lay back on the pillows. He must have felt that he was no longer alone because he rolled over and planted his head on my shoulder. We clung to each other, desperate for any kind of comfort.

  We found none.

  When we awoke, we immediately began plans for her memorial service. I knew, as did Jayden, that Kimberly and Nicole would have taken care of the arrangements, but we wanted everything perfect for our Lexi. We picked out the perfect casket, the perfect flowers, and the perfect venue for her burial. Neither of us were very present at any of these discussions, and the whole process had a surreal quality, like it wasn’t really happening. I did ask Kimberly to go through her closet to decide on what she should wear, it made Kimberly feel good to help and I couldn’t face the task. I’d been keeping Jayden quietly sedated since we left Lexi at the hospital, not because I thought he’d break down, but because I couldn’t deal with his overwhelming grief while I tried to deal with my own. My nights were spent reliving the accident over and over, each bone crushing thud, each scream played out again and again in horrifying detail.

  When the time came to put Lexi to rest, quiet moments were spent on her eulogy, and others were just spent in reflection. Jayden and I didn’t say more than ten words to each other the entire day. The pain of her loss was staggering.

  Finally, just as we thought we would lose our minds, the day of her funeral was upon us. Jayden stood in the front with Kimberly while I stood off to the side. Gabriel, who I finally remembered to call the day after Lexi’s death, stood quietly in the back with Connor. He wanted to be there for me, but not upset Jayden, and for that, I sincerely appreciated him. Jayden delivered a beautiful eulogy to a small crowd and then we carried her to the hearse.

  After the funeral, and after everyone had left the house, Jayden and I were finally alone. He just sat in the corner of the sitting room gazing out the window. The pain, the lost, empty look crushed me as I watched him. It had been days since he’d slept and as I looked at him, I noticed that he was barely holding himself together. When I put my hand on his shoulder, he looked up and my sharp intake of breath went unnoticed when his ice blue eyes met mine. The depth of the razor sharp pain unmistakable in them eclipsed mine in comparison. I crushed him to me and was hit with a feeling so incredibly strong that, for a moment, I couldn't breathe. There were aspects of it that I recognized easily—attraction… lust... but there were subtler aspects as well, and they weren't as readily identifiable—companionship, longing, and comfort. The only way I could describe that undercurrent of emotion, stra
ngely, was 'home'.

  Was that what they had been trying to explain to me?

  Was that love?

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  “NOOOO! Lexi, stop! PLEASE STOP!!”

  His scream reverberated and echoed through the hall, through the empty rooms, and right down my spine. It was the third time that week he had screamed in his sleep, and just like the other two nights, my heart broke at the sound of it. I got up and adjusted my sleep pants, which had become twisted in the night. Jayden wasn’t the only one not sleeping well. Barefoot, I padded down the hall and stood in his doorway for a moment, waiting to see if he quieted, but he still thrashed in the blankets. Other nights, I had shaken him awake and he looked up into my face before rolling away from me. It hurt. Whether he was upset with me for the decisions I had made for Lexi, or for some other reason, my heart ached as he pulled farther and farther away from me. All I wanted was to tell him that I loved him, that I fully understood what that meant, but while he so devastated with by guilt, and loss, and pain I didn’t seem like the best time.

  I stood next to his bed and looked down at him so lost and alone, and I just couldn’t stop myself from pulling back the blankets and curling up next to him. Lying on my side, I shook him hard and finally, he woke. When he looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears, and I saw everything I ever wanted out of life – right there in those eyes. Then as I reached for him, he rolled away, burying his face in his pillow. I lay there, watching him, the sting of his rejection burning in my chest. As I pushed back the covers, and sat up to leave his bed, he rolled back to me and threw his arms around me, pressing his face into my chest. It broke my heart to see him like that, but horribly, some small part of me rejoiced at his need for my affection. Like a lost boy, he clung to me, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, holding him against my skin. Kissing the top of his head, I stroked his hair, trying to comfort him.