Broken Like Glass

by E. J. McCay

  “First time you told him. He came home telling me all about it.”

  “You think I’m squirrelly too?”

  “Nah, I think you’re one of the few people in this town who does more than go to church.”

  “I don’t go to church.”

  “You can start coming with me and Uriah. Anyone says anything I’ll hit ’em with my purse,” she says and winks at me.

  “You know about that?”

  “Of course, it was the talk of the town for weeks. Your wild momma crackin’ someone over the head for that mean-as-a-snake man.”

  “You know daddy is mean?”

  “Sugar, I grew up here. Lived here all my life. I was here before your momma came to live here. I know a lot of things about a lot of stuff.”

  “You know my daddy knows a lot of people then. When he gets out he’s going to come for me.” I stop rocking. The idea that my daddy can get out and come after me scares me. There’s just no better word for it.

  “He knows a lot of people, but all those people he knows have been fooled by his slick tongue. I saw you right after you got to the hospital. If people see what I saw, he’ll be lucky he doesn’t get the electric chair.”

  “I doubt it. He’s good at getting out of things.”

  Mrs. Pendleton shakes her head. “No, sugar, not this time. This time, he’s got a reckonin’ coming. This time, he’s got to answer for his actions.”

  “I wish I could be certain like you.”

  “He’s brainwashed you and terrorized you since you were little. Always did make me fightin’ mad, a man like him could have a sweet thing like you.”

  “I’m not all that sweet, Mrs. Pendleton.”

  “You hush. I know you are. I don’t know if you remember this or not, but, one time, I caught your daddy beating the tar out of you behind the church. You were screaming your little heart out. I swooped down and grabbed you. To this day, I still don’t know why he was whooping you like that.”

  “I asked daddy when he was beating on me why he hated me.”

  “What’d he say?”

  “He said it’s ‘cause I look like Will. He hated Will because he was trash and I was trash too.” I chew on the inside of my cheek and wipe my eyes.

  Mrs. Pendleton purses her lips and shakes her head. “Worthless man. He doesn’t know how blessed he is. I lost two babies before Uriah. The last was one a girl, stillborn. I wanted a girl so bad. I wanted to braid her hair, dress her in pretty dresses, and love on her. It’s what made me so mad your momma and daddy got you. I never could understand how God could give a sweet’ems like you to them and take mine from me, but then I had Uriah.” She wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her dress. “That boy is the best thing I ever had. He’s sweet and kind. Now, he’s brought me home the little I’ve loved since the first time I saw her.”

  I put my hand over my mouth. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “You can’t be talking about me.”

  “Sugar, you were mine from the moment I saw you. I have prayed over you every day since you were little. When you left here, I prayed for God to watch over you, to love you, and to work in a way to bring you back. Uriah don’t know none of this, but I wanted you to know. I don’t want you thinking you have to leave anytime soon or that I don’t think you're good enough.”

  Oh, Papa, what have you done?

  Through the tears, I say, “You mean you wanted me?”

  “Oh, sugar, yes. Funny thing is, Ray and I was done after one. That’s all we wanted. So, if my little girl had made it, I wouldn’t have Uriah. Now, I’ve got Uriah and you.”

  I can’t believe my ears. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Nothing to say. I thought we needed to have a talk. I thought you needed to know. Now you do. I love you to pieces Lillian Louise James.” Then she reaches over and pats me on the hand. Her face is streaked with tears and she’s smiling this big smile. “It took a while, but I got everything I prayed for. Maybe not on my timing. Maybe not the way I wanted, but I got it.”

  “What’s all this?” Uriah asks. I didn’t even remember he was working on the fence. He’s drenched in sweat, hair is sticking against his head and his shirt is soaked.

  “Oh, nothing, just me and Lilly talking. You thirsty?” Mrs. Pendleton asks and stands.

  Uriah looks between us and I can see the wheels turning. He’s wondering what’s been said. No doubt, he’ll ask as soon as he can. “I could use something.”

  She smiles and walks into the house without saying anything.

  Uriah sits down in the same chair she was using and looks at me, curious. “What’s with the tears? Why’s my momma crying?”

  I shake my head. “That’s between us.”

  “Come on.”

  “No.”

  “You’re really not gonna tell me are ya?”

  I shake my head again.

  He sits back in the chair and wipes his forehead with his hand. “It’s not fair you keeping secrets with my momma.”

  About that time, the screen door knocks open and Mrs. Pendleton comes out with three glasses of water. “Something you ain’t meant to know, son.”

  Uriah pops out of the chair and gives it back to his mom and she hands him a glass, then me. I take a long drink and Uriah is still looking at us both like he can’t believe we’d keep a secret from him. “That’s not fair.”

  “Little about life is fair,” she says as she sits down.

  Uriah drains his glass, wipes his mouth, and goes back to the fence, looking back and grumbling.

  “Mrs. Pendleton?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why did you want me? I don’t remember coming to your house or being around you much.”

  “Your momma didn’t like me. We had words about you more than a few times. I told her I didn’t like the way your daddy did things and she didn’t like my opinions.”

  “You?”

  “Sugar, I’m not one to hold my opinions when I see a baby being mistreated. You stayed here a few times.”

  I stare at the ground, trying to think of spending time with the Pendletons. I can’t. I can’t remember any of this. “I don’t remember any of it.”

  “It don’t surprise me. You had it rough. When you got older, people in this town didn’t make it easy on you. You were friends with Bo, but I think he only stuck to you ‘cause he was sweet on you. I didn’t like the look of him at all.”

  “Uriah told you?”

  “Uriah and I don’t keep many secrets. Now that his daddy’s gone he confides in me even more.”

  “When did Mr. Pendleton pass?”

  “A few years ago. We were going to bed one night, and he felt a sharp pain down his arm. Next thing I know, he was having a massive heart attack. There was nothing to be done.”

  “Uriah had just signed another contract for the Army. That’s part of why he came home early. He knew I was here by myself.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Nah, sugar, don’t be. Me and Ray, we had a long love affair. He was a good man. Only thing that burns me is that daddy of yours gets to live a long life and my sweet Ray didn’t. Why God lets some folks live long and others not so long baffles me at times.”

  “I don’t understand Papa sometimes either.”

  “I think we all feel like that at times.”

  Colors begin to splash across the horizon as the sun gets lower in the sky. I feel more peace on this porch than I’ve felt…well, then I’ve ever felt. “I think some people feel it more than others.”

  Mrs. Pendleton laughs. “I bet those others feel the same way.”

  I chuckle, and the chuckle turns into a full on laughing fit which feels great and hurts like crazy all at the same time. Mrs. Pendleton glances at me and she starts laughing too.

  Uriah steps back up on the porch, still somewhat sore we didn’t tell him what we were talking about earlier. “More secrets.”

  “No, honey, we just don’t understand Papa sometimes.”

  “Me eit
her. I think some people feel it more than others, too.”

  Me and Mrs. Pendleton cackle. Uriah is standing there looking at us like we have lost our marbles, but for once, the weight of the world doesn’t seem to be weighing on my shoulders as heavy.

  Chapter Thirty Five

  The next Sunday, the three of us load up into Uriah’s pickup for church. Mrs. Pendleton asked me to go and there was no way I was telling her no. Uriah drives, she sits in the middle, and I get in last. My ribs still hurt a lot when I move so crawling into a pickup is just not happening.

  I haven’t been to church since that Wednesday. I’d forgotten about being all bruised and swollen. People are already staring and I haven’t even gotten out of the pickup yet. Uriah gets out and jogs around the front of the pickup to open the door and help me out, then his momma.

  Together, we walk into the church. Pastor Jeffrey is standing at the door, shaking hands with people as they come in. He shakes Mrs. Pendleton’s hand and tells her he’s glad to see her, same with Uriah. When he gets to me, he pauses and then shakes my hand, not saying a word.

  Of course, I like to sit in the farthest spot from the pulpit as possible, but that’s not to be. I follow Uriah and his momma until we’re about six rows from the pulpit. In the middle. Where the whole world can look on me and judge.

  I’m so uncomfortable I could crawl under a rock, but I make sure my feelings are kept to myself. Mrs. Pendleton cares for me and if she wants to sit here, then this is where I will sit.

  We aren’t the first people there, though, but when you go to church every Sunday and Wednesday for as long as Mrs. Pendleton has, people know which seats belong to you and they make sure when you get there, it’s waiting for you.

  The church is filling up with people as it gets closer for Pastor Jeffrey to start preaching. Most are casting glances at me. It’s the same, though. I grew up in this church, and I know all of them don’t think much of me. Even if it wasn’t my fault or choice.

  I feel a tap on my shoulder, and Chrissy is sitting behind me. My ability to look at her is limited so she leans forward, whispering in my ear. “You coming to see me tomorrow?”

  “I guess.”

  “Good. I’ve missed our talks.”

  “As much as it pains me to say this, I do too.”

  Chrissy giggles and sits back. I can hear her continue to giggle until Pastor Jeffery gets to the pulpit and asks Jenny to lead the singing.

  I go to stand, and Uriah puts a hand on my shoulder and shakes his head. When I give him a look, he sits back down. “You don’t need to stand,” he whispers.

  “I feel weird sitting.”

  “No one cares.”

  “Only because they like you.”

  He smiles. “They like you too. They just don’t know it yet.”

  “Uriah, I know you want that, but it may never happen.”

  “You wait.”

  Afterwards, we hush because people are watching us.

  Once the singing part is over, Pastor Jeffrey gets up to the pulpit again. He preaches on forgiveness. I don’t know if he’s talking directly to me, but I know Papa is. I’m struggling with that. I haven’t told anyone, but when your daddy comes to the house determined to snuff you, it can rip all the forgiveness right out of you.

  Pastor Jeffrey talks about how if we don’t forgive then Papa can’t forgive us. All in all, it’s not much I haven’t heard before, but I feel like Papa wants me to hear it again. I think to myself, Papa, I hear you, and I will. I just need a little time. My heart feels a little tug and in my head, I hear, “Don’t hold onto your anger. It’ll turn to bitterness and eat you from the inside out.”

  I tell Papa, “I know. I’m working on it. I promise.”

  When Pastor Jeffrey is done he prays and dismisses us.

  Mrs. Pendleton asks Uriah to help one of the older ladies out to her car. She got in okay, but now that she’s sat still for so long on these hard pews she’s having trouble getting around. Both of them help her while I stay inside.

  When they’re out of sight, Bo comes up to me. It feels a little awkward being around him. I’m not sure how much time will have to pass before that feeling will go away.

  “Hi, Bo.”

  “Hey. You’re looking way better.”

  “Well, the way I see it, the only way I had to go was up.”

  Bo chuckles. “Already making jokes.”

  “I think if I stop I’ll cry.” It sounds like a joke, but it’s not far from the truth.

  “You’re about to be free from this little town. You ready?”

  I shuffle my feet and look at the ground. “Oh, I doubt I’ll ever be free from here.”

  “Well, you’ll at least be allowed out of the town. Maybe you won’t be stuck eating tacos or fish.”

  I hold my ribs as I laugh. “The tacos aren’t so bad as long as they're fresh. It’s the next day when they bite ya.”

  “You’re ribs still hurting, huh?”

  “Yeah, doctor said they take a while to heal. He wasn’t kidding.”

  “When you get your cast off?”

  “Oh, the normal six weeks. I may have a concussion by the time I’m done wearing the thing, though. I keep conking myself in the head.”

  Bo’s shoulders bounce up and down as he laughs. When he stops laughing, I feel the mood shift. Things are about to be serious. “Lilly, I’m sorry. I should have never done what I did. It was wrong as wrong could be. I know I can’t take it back or change it, but I hope one day we can be friends again. Just friends.”

  As we’re talking, Becky Martin walks up and smiles at me. “Hey, your momma said come get you. We’ve got the choir loaded up and ready to go.”

  Bo looks at me. “The church is taking the choir to lunch over in the next town. Kind of a special treat. Daddy and Mr. Paul had a wager about the last Rangers game and daddy lost.”

  “Okay, well you all have fun. I’ll stay here.”

  When Bo and Becky walk off, I watch them. Sure enough, they hold hands just before they get out the door. I knew he didn’t love me. It was just a matter of him knowing it too.

  It’s the middle of July and in Texas, which means it’s H O T, hot. Uriah comes walking up to me and he looks like he’s about to melt. “What are you smiling about?” Uriah asks, out of breath.

  “Oh, nothing.”

  “You gonna start keeping secrets from me.”

  “I don’t think it’s a secret.”

  “Then what?”

  “Bo’s going with Becky Martin.”

  “Oh, that? Yeah, I knew that. It started about two weeks ago. She always liked him.”

  “I know.”

  Uriah smiles. “You and him friends again?”

  “No, but I think after a while we might be. You look hot.”

  A bead of sweat trickles down the side of Uriah’s face. “I am hot. You ready to go? Momma’s waiting in the truck.”

  Chrissy’s husband, Phillip, is closing the church up today and I see him with his hand on the small of her back. She sees me and smiles as Uriah and I are walking out the church. Misty Morning is standing there with her and for once, she doesn’t give me the stink eye. I doubt we’ll ever be friends, but maybe, just maybe, she won’t hate me as much anymore. I guess church is full of surprises after all.

  Chapter Thirty Six

  I wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, and panting like I’ve been running for my life. My mouth is dry so I go to the kitchen and get something to drink. I’m wide awake, and instead of heading back to the bedroom, I go outside and sit on the porch.

  It’s not as dark on Uriah’s porch as it is on mine, and there’s not near as much animal life. Of course, there’s frogs and crickets everywhere you go so they're making noise. The moon is shining bright, casting shadows here and there.

  The rocking chair is so much louder at night than it is in the daylight. I’m sitting, drinking my glass of water, and watching the world when I feel Papa sit down next to
me. I’m not sure I’m ready to talk to Him. That’s when I realize I’m mad at Him.

  “I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

  “I know.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  “Because I want to talk to you.”

  “What if I don’t want to listen?”

  “I know you, you do.”

  “No, I don’t,” I say in a huff. “I don’t want to talk to you and I don’t want to hear what you have to say.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Why you gotta be so…you?”

  “Lilly, I know you’re hurt.”

  “Yeah, and you let me get hurt.”

  At first, after daddy beat me, I didn’t think I was mad, but my emotions and feelings have been all over the place in the time after. I feel like Papa allowed all this bad stuff to happen to me and if He loved me He would have protected me. If He loved me He wouldn’t keep letting all this bad stuff happen to me.

  “I didn’t let you get hurt. This world is broken and there are broken people in it.”

  “Yeah, but you could’ve protected me. Done something.”

  “Lilly, there’s what you’re feeling and then there is truth. What is the truth?”

  “I don’t want to talk to you, Papa. I want to be angry. I deserve to be angry. I deserve to hate and let it make me bitter and I deserve justice. I deserve revenge.” I cover my eyes with my hand and stop rocking. I hurt so profoundly I can’t find words to describe the level of anguish I feel. My whole body is shaking from the anger that is consuming me.

  “Well, you can be angry, but what will it help?”

  My words are lodged in my throat and I grip the arms of the rocking chair tighter.

  Papa’s Spirit is swirling around me and I can feel the warmth of it. “Lilly, those people sinned against me. I’m the one that delievers the vegence and the justice because when I deliver it, it will be pure and just.”

  “Papa, please,” I cry. “I don’t want to do this right now.”

  “Why?”

  “Because.”

  “Because why?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Why do you want to keep all this hurt? What will it help?”