Broken Like Glass

by E. J. McCay

  “It’s a formality. He’ll be out in no time.”

  “He’s been there three days so far.”

  “Three days? I’ve been out three days?”

  “Your dad worked you over pretty good. You got three broken ribs on the right side and one broken rib and three cracked ribs on the left. It’s a pure miracle you didn’t bleed internally.”

  “I thought it was you. I thought you’d come by early and I opened the door without looking. He came in so fast and furious, I didn’t have time to get away. I just wasn’t expecting him at the cabin, at all.” I shift and immediately wish I hadn’t. The pain makes me breathless.

  Uriah pushes the button again and reminds the nurse that I’m still hurting.

  “I probably should go so you can rest.”

  I grab his hand, the idea that he’s leaving throws me into a panic. “Please don’t go, Uriah. Please, don’t. Don’t leave me here. I know daddy is in jail, but people know him. They like him and I just know he won’t stay there.” Tears pool in my eyes. I don’t know if it’s the thought of being alone or the idea I wasn’t going to see him again.

  “I don’t need an explanation as to why you want me to stay. I’ll stay. Momma should be up after while. She’s been coming by and staying when I go home, take a shower, and eat.” Uriah leans down and kisses me on the forehead.

  “I think daddy came to kill me,” I confess. “If you hadn’t been picking me up, he’d have done it too.”

  Uriah straightens. “I wish I could disagree, but with what I saw, I know you’re right. He wouldn’t take me on, though. He thought he could, but I tossed his rear out the door and called the police. He hightailed it as soon as I dialed the number.”

  “It won’t matter. You just wait. He’ll find a way out.”

  Uriah shakes his head. “I don’t think so. I think he’s in trouble this time.”

  “You don’t know my daddy. You don’t know his friends. You don’t know how mean he is.”

  “You give him too much power.”

  “You don’t give him enough.”

  “Lilly, he’s in trouble.”

  “Momentarily, sure, but you don’t know. You don’t know him like I do.”

  Uriah looks at me. His eyebrows furrow and lips are pressed together tight. “You’re really scared of him.”

  “I think I have reason to be. That day in the Thriftway. I was helping him do some grocery shopping. We were going to go home and he was going to cook dinner for me. I don’t know what either of us said, but he said something and I was trying to be funny. He took it like I was bein’ a smart mouth. He grabbed me by the hair, and he told me he was sick of my smart mouth.”

  Uriah’s eyes widen and his lips part.

  The memory is back and it’s playing in color. “We were looking at cups because he’d broken his favorite one. He had one in his hand and he reached back with it, looked around to make sure no one was looking. He was going to hit me with it. It’s why I stabbed him. I fought against him ‘cause he was going to hurt me. I knew right then he was going to hurt me and hurt me bad. He didn’t care where we were.”

  “And you forgot that?”

  “I think I was trying to protect myself. I didn’t want to think my daddy wanted to hurt me. It bothers me to think the people who were supposed to love me, didn’t. Momma tried to love me, but she loved daddy more and she would protect him over me. It was war in my house most the time. Momma keeping daddy from me and me trying to survive. It’s why I ran from here. It’s why it’s hard to be here. All those memories. All those things that happened. Mr. Marlin still looks at me like I’m a piece of trash. Daddy told me he knew about Mr. Marlin.” What builds in my chest pains me like nothing I’ve felt. I begin to sob. I can’t decide if I’m broken hearted because my daddy hates me or because my daddy knew someone was hurting me and didn’t care.

  Uriah gently puts his arms around me and holds me against him. “You break my heart Lillian James. No one ever deserved to be treated like that, least of all you.”

  Chapter Thirty Three

  Between Uriah and his momma, I have someone with me at all times while I’m in the hospital. The first few days after I come to, I’m so sore I can barely breathe. My daddy has worked me over and every square inch of me feels it.

  I’m lying in bed on the fifth day and Uriah is slouched down in the chair with his feet on the sofa when Dr. Hart rounds comes in. He greets me with a smile and glances down at the chart he’s holding.

  Uriah stands and shakes his hand.

  “How are you feeling?” Dr. Hart asks and checks the monitors attached to me.

  “Bout as good as fresh bruise is supposed to feel, I guess.”

  “Well, you’re going to feel sore for a while. Do you have someone to stay with while you recover?”

  I start to say something and Uriah speaks up. “Yes, sir, she does.” He looks at me.

  “Well, I think we can discharge you today. I’ve got some prescriptions I’m gonna send you home with, mostly for pain. You’ll need to check in with your primary doctor to get your cast removed in six weeks.”

  “Yes, sir,” I say.

  “A nurse will be in after awhile with some papers to sign and you’ll be free to go,” he says, smiles and walks out the door.

  I look at Uriah. “You know I can’t stay with you. People will talk and I won’t have them saying hateful things about you and your momma.”

  Uriah puts his hands on his hips and gets this look of defiance. “I don’t care what anyone says. You’ve stayed your last time at the cabin. We have a big enough house you can have your own room, and momma will make sure nothing funny is going on.”

  “I just don’t feel right about it.” I'm still not used to the cast and I bump my head with it and wince. “Stupid cast. I can’t wait to get this thing off.”

  “Lilly, no one is going to say anything. You need time to heal and someone has to take care of you. Believe me, if momma had a problem with you, you’d know it.”

  I shake my head and look down. “I hate all this has happened. It’s like I can’t get away from trouble. I hurt everyone around me.”

  “You haven’t hurt anyone. If anything you’re the one who’s been hurt.”

  I look at him. I’m frustrated beyond belief. “Yeah, but all my problems. All this stuff is bleeding outside the edges and touching the people I love.”

  Uriah smiles. “People?”

  I bite my lip. It’s not like I’ve forgotten what I said that day. I remember it, but I haven’t said it again. I think it was easier to say when I thought there wasn’t a chance for disappointment. Now, I’m alive and kicking and the words rest on the end of my tongue and refuse to budge.

  “Yes, people.”

  “I heard you that day. Don’t think I didn’t.”

  I can’t meet his eyes. I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I can’t say it again.

  He sits on the edge of the bed, tips my chin until I’m looking him in the eyes, and smiles. “I’m going to go home and get things ready for you. Will you be okay being alone a little while?” He doesn’t press. That’s Uriah. Always easy and comforting.

  “I will.”

  He reaches over and kisses my forehead. I’ve come to enjoy those little kisses. It’s like he’s telling me everything is going to be okay with just a simple touch. Uriah stands and walks to the door.

  “Would you mind shutting the door? Me and Papa need to talk.”

  He smiles and slips out the door, shutting it behind him.

  I lie back on the bed and close my eyes. I still hurt pretty much every where. I think I’ve got a bruise on my pinky toe.

  “Papa?” I can’t feel Him and I haven’t talked to Him since daddy put me in the hospital. “Papa, please come talk to me.” I reach for Him and it’s like He’s just out of arms length.

  I cover my face with my hands, making sure not to conk myself with my stupid cast. The tears pouring down my face feel like a waterfall. “Papa, pl
ease come talk to me. I need you to talk to me. Please.”

  For a while, it feels like He’s not coming. I’m alone and I feel more empty than I have in years. At this point, I’m hopeless. Papa’s not coming. Somehow I’ve pushed Him away and I’m in this desert with no signs of life.

  It hurts to cry like this too. That deep down, ache type cry that wears you out and makes you feel like you’ve been mountain climbing. It would hurt without all the bruises, but with them the pain is unbelievable.

  Just when I think Papa has decided not to show up, I feel Him park Himself in the chair right by my bed. “Hello, Lilly,” He says.

  “Where have you been, Papa? I’ve been calling and calling. Didn’t you hear me?” I ask through sobs. My heart feels like it’s bleeding.

  “I heard you. I’m here. I just needed your heart open.”

  “I hurt Papa.”

  “I know, sweetest, I know.”

  “Did you know daddy hated me?”

  “I did.”

  “Then why did you give me to him?”

  “I didn’t.”

  “You didn’t stop it.”

  “I couldn’t. If I’d stopped it, what do you think would have happened? Do you think Lucy and Will would have changed?”

  “No, but there had to be better people who could raise me.”

  “Lilly, they had choices to make and they made the best choice they knew how. They didn’t know and I can’t interfere like that. I give all of you free will. I let you make your choices. If I didn’t it wouldn’t work.”

  “But you could have guided them to a different choice.”

  “But who is to say a different choice would have been any better.”

  “Could it have been worse?”

  Papa looks at me with kindness and love. “It can always be worse, but look at you.”

  “I’m a compost heap.”

  “A beautiful, wonderful heap. The most beautiful things grow out of a compost heap. Just think of all the flower seeds you’re sowing. Chrissy’s been talking to me more. I’ve loved her for so long, and now we spend early mornings together before she opens her practice. Bo’s been talking to me this week too. I’ve got work to do with him, but his heart is open and wide. Uriah always talked to me, but now the way he talks to me is so much better.”

  “I need a break Papa. I need some peace. I need some time to not hurt.”

  Papa takes a deep breath. “I know, but this world is hard. I can’t guarantee you won’t hurt or get hurt.”

  “Can I just have a little time, though? Just a little time? I’m so tired of all of this.”

  “I know, sweetest. I can’t tell you what’s coming, but I can tell you I love and I am with you. I will be here to comfort and care for your heart.”

  We sit quietly for a moment. I can’t seem to stop being weepy. “I can’t seem to tell Uriah I love him.”

  “I know. I was here.”

  “I didn’t feel you here.”

  “I’m more than a feeling, Lilly. You know that. I’m always here.”

  “Sometimes I feel like you leave me. I feel like you leave me when I need you the most. Like when daddy was beating on me.”

  “I was there. I saw it. It broke my heart. I hated to see you being hurt like that.”

  “Why does my daddy hate me?”

  “My love, he doesn’t. He hates me and he takes it out on you.”

  “Why does he hate you?”

  “For a myriad of reasons.”

  “I don’t know a lot about my daddy other than he was mean. From the way momma talked about him, he had a pretty hard life growing up. You’d think he wouldn’t wish that on someone else.”

  “You’d think so, but sometimes, people are so broken they don’t think right. They think hurting others will make their pain go away when it just makes it worse.”

  I hear a light tap on the door, and it’s a nurse. She comes in, takes out my i.v. and then has me sign a few papers. “When your boyfriend gets back, you’ll be free to go, okay?” She smiles sweetly at me. I should tell her he’s not my boyfriend, but it seems like arguing for argument’s sake.

  I wait for her to leave and then I say, “I’m tired, Papa. I’m tired all the way down deep.”

  “I know.”

  “I love Uriah.” My talk with Papa feels like a windy mountain road. The kind where you can feel like you’re meeting the road you just came from.

  “I know that too.”

  “I’m gonna rest a bit Papa. I love you too.”

  “I know, Lilly. I’ll see you later.”

  I’m plumb exhausted at this point. I close my eyes to rest and sleep comes quicker than it ever has before.

  Chapter Thirty Four

  The first few days at Uriah’s is hard on me. For one thing, I don’t like being there. Not that I’m not grateful, but I’m right about people talking. For another, it feels weird. I didn’t like it last time, and now I’m staying even longer this time.

  Uriah’s house is different than anyone’s on the block. It’s older too. From what I’ve gathered from talking to Mrs. Pendleton, her big old farmhouse was passed down to her through the generations.

  Foaming Springs was a good ten or twenty miles away and over time, it just kinda spread in the direction of the house. Now there were a few houses around them. It still wasn’t like a regular neighborhood. Like the house I grew up in, with sidewalks and neighbors you could almost touch.

  This house was enough distance from other houses it was comfortable. I love their porch. It’s big, like the movies. I’ve started going out in the evening, sitting in one of the big rocking chairs and watching the horses across the way. It’s fun to watch them run and play with each other.

  They won’t let me help with nothing yet so I’m sitting out on the porch, enjoying the sun and the breeze when Mrs. Pendleton sits in the rocking chair next to me. “See anything interesting?”

  I look at her and smile. “All of it’s interesting to me. I like to sit outside.”

  “Me too. Uriah’s finishing up the dishes. I asked him to fix the front fence tonight. It’s bugging the daylight out of me.”

  The fence she’s talking about is a white picket fence that runs in front of the house and down the sides. It’s not a tall one, maybe three or so feet tall. Just tall enough to need a gate and just short enough it doesn’t block the view.

  “He likes to work with his hands.”

  Mrs. Pendleton is looking out over the horizon like me. “Yeah, he does. Gets that from his daddy. I suspect here soon he’ll start his own business. He’s been working on houses in town here and there. Doing real good work. Getting calls for more work.”

  “Does he regret getting out of the Army too early?”

  “Nah, he was done. He was coming home to find you.”

  “He told you that?” I look at her in shock.

  “My boy and I talk a lot, sugar.”

  Sugar, that’s what Mrs. Pendleton calls me. I don’t know why cause most people say I’m anything but sweet.

  I settle back down and look back on the horizon. “He deserves better than me. I’ve told him so.”

  Mrs. Pendleton stops rocking and places her hand on mine. “Look at me, sugar.”

  I look at her.

  “Who says you’re not good enough?”

  “No one has to say it. I just know.”

  “Well, you don’t know anything.”

  I feel tiny. “I just know my family isn’t good.”

  “Listen,” she says and starts rocking again. “Family is family. We can’t change where we come from, but we aren’t defined by them. Sugar, I’ve watched you grow up. I’ve known your momma for years. I’ve known your daddy too. I’d say you’ve turned out pretty good if you ask me.”

  “I’m not sure they’d agree.”

  “Well, they’d be wrong then. A daddy don’t beat his baby like your daddy beat you. You’re not the trash, sugar, you’re the flower that grew up in the midst of trash.�
��

  I turn so she can’t see the tears in my eyes. “No one’s ever talked to me like that. Except maybe Uriah.”

  “My boy’s been sweet on you for a long, long time. He’s talked about you for as long as I can remember.”

  “I had a crush on him in school. All the way through.”

  “You don’t remember much about being little in this town do you?”

  “No, most of the bad is what fills my mind.”

  “Well, let me tell you some good so maybe we can erase that bad, and fill your mind up with the good.”

  “You remember things about me?”

  “Oh, sugar, I sure do. You were the only little who would come in the kitchen and want to help with the potlucks. You’d ask to help and your momma would snap at you. You’d go to the corner and just boo hoo. I’d find you and get you to working on something. You’d never complain about the job either.”

  “I don’t remember that, Mrs. Pendleton.”

  “You were also the one to be the first to say hello to someone new.”

  “I was?”

  “Uriah told me that. He’d come home with a Lilly story all the time. How you’d helped someone or sat with someone who wasn’t as popular. Sugar, you were a sweet little thing.”

  “I had no idea.”

  “Well, I guess it’s a good thing you get to stay here a while then huh?” As Mrs. Pendleton finishes saying that, Uriah comes stomping out the front door and stops. There’s a big tool belt strapped around his waist.

  He smiles at the two of us. “I’m gonna work on the fence now. Okay, momma?”

  “Okay, honey. Make sure to get the gate too. I’m sick of that thing squeaking.”

  Uriah smiles and winks at me then he trots off to the fence to work on it.

  Mrs. Pendleton looks over at me and smiles. “Uriah doesn’t want you at that cabin anymore. Says it’s not safe.”

  “I know, but it doesn’t feel right being here. I don’t want the town to say hateful things about you and him.”

  “Sugar, you worry too much about what other people say. Let ’em talk. What goes on in this house is between me, you, Uriah, and Papa.” She gives me a pointed look.

  My mouth drops open. “He’s told you about that?”