by Chloe Walsh
I released a breath when I saw Lee wasn't leaving. Placing Hope's car seat on the floor, I sank my ass into the chair next to hers, though I slid mine as far away as I could. I'd a feeling I would need the space. She had high fucking heels on and I wanted to keep my toes.
****
Lee
With deep reluctance I lowered myself onto my seat, inhaled steadily and fought the urge to run. Looking up, my eyes immediately sought and found Tracy. She sat less than two feet away from me. I felt myself stiffen, my ankles locked together, and my eyes roamed over the woman who claimed to be my mother. She was looking at me with this…yearning look and I wanted to vomit. Her yearning should have happened twenty years ago. Not now. My eyes travelled over her face seeking a memory. One single memory.
I came up empty.
"You have a beautiful daughter," she told me.
"I do," I replied bowing my head. Her stare was too much.
"And a good man," Tracy mused in a dreamy tone.
"Good wouldn't be a phrase I would use for him right now," I managed to grind out through clenched teeth as I glanced at Kyle. The side of his face–that I could see–was red. He seemed to be extremely interested in his fingernails all of a sudden. I turned to look at Derek, who was sitting opposite me at the table. 'Chin up' he mouthed as he gave me a reassuring smile.
A waiter was dispatched to our table within minutes of us sitting down and took our order. Kyle made small talk with Tracy while we waited for our food. I didn't hear a word of it. I was too anxious and I couldn't sit still. I squirmed in my seat but no position helped with my discomfort. It was more than discomfort. I was in agony. Biting down on my fist, I pushed the pain to the back of mind. I was such a wimp. I usually had a much higher pain threshold and was disgusted with myself for whimpering over menstrual cramps. Every nerve ending in my body was on high alert. I looked around at their faces in a bid to occupy my mind and distract myself.
Kyle looked guilty. Derek looked bored. Hope was bored because she'd fallen asleep in her car seat, between Kyle's chair and mine. And Tracy looked nervous. Her brown eyes were wide as she chewed on her lip with her teeth.
Brown eyes.
I'd never known what color my mother's eyes were. I guess I got my gray eyes from my daddy. Her hair was the same as mine though. Wild brown curls that she held back from her face with a single clip and I let flow free. "So, Kyle, where did you grow up?" she asked setting down her glass of water.
Kyle shifted uncomfortably in his seat and cleared his throat. "Uh…I grew up in care. I moved around a lot as a kid."
My eyes snapped up and I glared at Tracy before softening my gaze when I looked at Kyle. "You don't have to talk about this," I said protectively. His past bothered him and I wasn't going to sit back and watch his old wounds open. Besides, all she had to do was open a newspaper and she could read all about it. We'd been slaughtered in the press. The only thing about our lives that hadn't been written about, funnily enough, was her. "This is your business," I told him before glancing at her. "Nobody else's."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Tracy blushed. "I wasn't trying to pry…"
Kyle clasped my knee with his hand to reassure me. "Its fine, princess," he said in a gentle tone before turning to Tracy. "As far as I know I was born in a small town close to Colorado Springs. My mother was young when she had me and from what my case workers could gather we moved around a lot. The only place they're certain we lived is Aspen..."
Our waiter returned with our order and I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt raw pain in my chest every time Kyle spoke of his childhood. We ate in silence although I had no appetite for my steak. I messed around with the food on my plate, slicing up pieces of meat aimlessly while I prayed this night would end soon. I needed a shower and some pain relief. I needed a tranquilizer.
"Why Aspen?" Tracy asked and I wanted to throw my fork at her.
Kyle sighed heavily and lowered his fork from his mouth. "That's where she died. That's where they found me."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Tracy gasped. "What happened to her?"
"Look," I said through clenched teeth, interrupting both of them. "I am grateful for the kidney, truly I am. So, thank you for saving my life." I inhaled a deep breath before continuing. "But you should know that there is only one reason I am sitting at this table, sharing a meal with you." I covered Kyle's hand with mine. "And it is because of this man. He is my world and for some strange reason he has a soft spot for you. Don't mistake his feelings for mine and don't throw his kindness in his face. I won't sit back and allow you to make him feel uncomfortable. His private life is exactly that. Private. Are we clear?"
"Lee…" Kyle started, but Tracy interrupted him.
"No, Kyle, I'm sorry," she said quickly. "Lia is right. I shouldn't be asking you such personal things." She lowered her face. "I haven't had much company over the years. I've been alone for a very long time."
"Whose choice was that?" I couldn't help but ask. "And my name isn't Lia."
"Lee," Kyle said in a warning tone, but I ignored him. I was sick of sitting here and playing happy families with the woman who abandoned me to a life of mental and physical torture.
"Mine," Tracy said staring directly at me. "It was my choice."
"At least you admit it," I whispered unsure of what else to say. She was confusing me with her honesty. I didn't understand her.
Tracy sighed and wiped her forehead. "I admit that my will to live caused me to make the biggest mistake of my life. I can't change what happened to you when I left. But I can tell you that I didn't think he'd harm you. He loved you. We both did."
"Just not enough," I whispered under my breath, though I was sure all three of them heard me.
"Phew," Derek said as he blew out a breath and stretched. "It's hot in here tonight. I might just grab some fresh air." He smiled apologetically. "Won't be long." I watched as the traitor stood up and retreated from the table.
Two on one…
"I need the bathroom," I mumbled as I tossed my napkin on my plate and pushed my chair back. I needed to get away from this woman. I wasn't ready for this and I was done with being forced into things.
I felt Kyle's hand take mine. His fingers threaded through mine. "No running," he whispered as he leaned in to my ear. "I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you," he added before pressing a kiss to my temple.
I pulled my hand from his. "You already have," I muttered as I stood up and left.
****
Kyle
My girl was like a tiger tonight. Protective as hell over me…and in a weird way I loved it. I wasn't used to having people stick up for me. It always shocked the hell out of me when Lee stepped out of her comfort zone. She was usually so mild mannered and timid. It never ceased to amaze me when her claws came out.
The morning she stood her ground against Rachel in my kitchen, defending my honor, was one of the most surreal moments of my life. I was pretty sure I'd stood there with the biggest smile on my face as I watched this tiny ball of curls punch over her weight.
She'd shocked me again tonight. When Tracy had asked about my childhood, for a moment I'd thought Lee was going to explode. There was a dominant look in her eyes as she stared her mother down, an almost feral wildness in those fiery gray depths. Princess was coming back to life. Thank fucking god.
Now all she had to do was come back to the table…
"This was a bad idea," Tracy said as she pushed her chair back to stand. "I should go."
"No," I said leaning forward and grabbing her hand. Tracy flinched and I released her hand immediately while I battled down a surge of anger I had directed solely at Jimmy Bennett. Was he proud of himself? Did it make him feel good to know he was the cause of his wife and daughter shrinking and shying away from a man's touch? Bastard… "Just give her a minute," I choked out. "She'll calm down."
Tracy reluctantly sat back down. "You're very optimistic, Kyle," she said with a small smile. "But this is wrong. I shouldn't have put you in th
is position."
****
Lee
My anger had simmered down by the time I found Derek perched on top of a bench table in the beer garden at the back of the hotel. It had been replaced with pain.
"Sorry, ice," he chuckled. "I love you, sweetheart, but that was one hell of a drama overload in there."
When I saw what he had in his hand my step faltered. "Derek," I asked. Even my voice sounded confused. "Why are you smoking?"
He dropped his head and stared at the ground. "Calms me," he breathed as he exhaled a puff of smoke. "I promised Cam I'd quit when we met," he added as he took another drag and exhaled. "Seems kinda pointless keeping that promise now, don't you think?"
"No, I don't think that," I urged as I stepped closer to him. "I feel her around me every day. Looking down on us. I bet she can she you now." I patted his knee. "She'd be sad to see you hurting your body like this, Derek."
"If," he said as he put his cigarette between his fingers and picked up a small tumbler that was resting on the bench next to him. I watched him toss the golden liquid back his throat and shivered. I hated that golden liquid. Whiskey did dangerous things to a man. "If she is watching us," he continued as he wiped his bottom lip. "It's not my body she's concerned about."
I had no answer for that.
I raked my brain and came up empty. Everything I wanted to say wouldn’t do any good…"I'm sad to see you hurting yourself," I told him as I climbed awkwardly onto the bench and sat alongside him–not an easy task in heels. "I'm concerned about you. I love you and I care." It probably didn't help, but he needed to know he was loved.
"If I had a baby sister," he chuckled as he nudged my shoulder. "Then I would want her to be you."
"You're the only brother I'd ever want, too," I replied nudging him back. The pain in my back was getting worse and I was burning inside. I had to force a smile, but I was sure it looked more like a grimace.
"Don't be too hard on him, Lee," Derek said after a moment and I knew he was talking about Kyle ambushing me with Tracy. "As fucked up as it looks, he does all these stupid things because he loves you. Trying to get you to make up with your mother is his way of trying to repair some of your childhood. He wants to fix you because he loves you and he fucks it all up because he's never done any of this before. He's never had to because you're the first person he's let in, Lee. Ever."
"He let you in…" I started to say, but Derek shook his head and smiled.
"He's never been in love before you," he said in a serious tone. "He's never been loved before you. Not in the way he needs. You give him that. This is his way of showing you he loves you too. He doesn't know any other way to express himself because he's never been shown. He runs around thinking he can fix everyone because he's spent his whole life trying to make up for the things that he couldn't change. The things he's had no control over."
"His mom," I whispered.
"Bingo," Derek said. "Kyle's a problem solver. That's the way his mind works. He wasn't raised, Lee, he was dragged up. Spent his whole life on his own, pushing people away, not trusting a soul until he met you. You cracked him open. Exposed his weaknesses, revealed his secrets and loved him regardless. He's never had that before. You're his biggest risk, his deepest fear and his greatest accomplishment all rolled into one. So, just think about that before you chew him out over this."
"I love him too, Derek," I whispered. "So much."
"So much," he mused before chuckling softly. "You don't have a clue what you've done to him, do you?"
I shook my head. "What do you mean?"
"It's a scary thing, Lee," Derek replied. "When a man falls so hard for a woman that he can't figure out if she is his salvation or his downfall."
"That doesn't sound very appealing," I muttered.
"No," he smiled. "It's not the most comforting feeling to have your heart walking around in someone else's body. It makes you feel incredibly exposed and vulnerable."
"Which one was Cam?" I asked.
"Which one was Cam what?"
"Was she your salvation or your downfall?" I blushed and mentally slapped myself on the head. Stupid, Lee. Stupid!
Derek sighed heavily. "That's the really fucked up thing about love," he said. "When it's real. When it is real honest to god love, you'll know that she's both. She's gonna ruin you and save you all in one breath."
"I…" I trailed off because I had no words. I was stunned. Nothing had ever been so confusing yet made more sense to my ears. I'd never heard a man explain feelings quite like that. It was humbling to think that Kyle could feel like this for me and absolutely heartbreaking to know that Derek felt like this for Cam. He would never get over her. If this was how he felt, how in god's name could he ever move on?
"Here, I have something for you," he mumbled as he shoved his hand into his pocket. "I meant to give it to you the night of your birthday, but…well, we both know how that went down."
"Ah, yes. The vomit," I mused. Derek and Kyle both got rip-roaring drunk the night of my birthday. Kyle had sang me a song about chasing me around with a gun. Derek had puked on my lap… "Have to say, Der, it was definitely a birthday I'll remember."
He smiled sheepishly. "Yeah…uh, sorry again. Well, your gift is second hand, but I think you'll like it."
"Derek," I breathed when he handed me the gold locket wrapped in tissue paper. A gold locket I'd seen more than once. I shook my head as I tried to make sense of why he would have this. I'd thought they'd taken everything. "Where…"
"Did I get it?" he said with a small smile. "I stole it from her bag of things that Ted collected from the morgue. He left it on the kitchen table, and I…I just thought I needed it at the time I guess." He threw his head back and exhaled loudly. "Except that's not what I needed." Opening the locket my legs wobbled as I looked at the two tiny cut out photos of Cam and Derek. Oh Derek… "Besides," he said with a forced smile. "I bought it for her so technically I didn't steal it."
"Derek, I can't take this," I whispered as I pushed it into his hand. I didn't want to have this in my hands. This was on her neck the night she died…Why was she wearing a locket with Derek's photo when she was with Mike?
"Please take it, Lee," he choked out. "Please. Just take it away for me."
"She loved you," I sobbed as I wiped my nose. "She did, Derek. I know she did. Cam loved you."
"Just not enough," he whispered throwing my earlier words back at me.
Helping me down from the bench, Derek opened the clasp and I held my hair up for him. The tremendous weight I felt when he tied the clasp and stepped back wasn't from the weight of the gold around my neck, it was from the incalculable amount of heartbreak it carried.
If it was possible for a human heart to float into another body it would be at this moment. I felt like I was bleeding for him. I'd never wanted to take another person's pain away like I wanted to take Derek's. It was physically painful to be so utterly useless. His problems put mine into perspective…
"Hey," he said softly as he grabbed my arm. "You okay?" His eyes were full of concern that I wanted to cry. "Lee, you're wobbling a little, sweetheart."
"I'll be fine," I whispered and I hoped I was telling the truth, but the pain in my back was calling me a liar. "I need to…go," I muttered as I stepped away from Derek. "Will you tell Kyle I'm going to bed?"
"You are going to bed. Right?" Derek asked in a sharp tone.
"Yes, Derek," I managed to squeeze out. I bit down on the inside of my cheek and waved limply before hobbling off in the direction of the elevators. I managed to make it into the shower in our suite before crumpling to the floor.
God, I hated bathrooms.
****
Derek
"She's gone upstairs," I growled as I staggered over to the table and sank into my seat. I glared at the two idiots sitting at the table. I actually felt sick to my stomach looking at either of them…well, maybe the alcohol was causing the pain in my stomach. I'd made a small pit-stop at the bar before comi
ng back to the table. I needed all eight shots. This was the cruelest thing I'd witnessed Kyle do in a long time. I'd warned him. He needed to start listening. That girl was heartbroken and he didn't fucking get it. He had the woman he loved. Why the fuck was he messing it up? "She's not coming back. I hope the two of you are happy with yourselves."
Kyle glared at me in warning before turning to Tracy. "I'm sorry about this," he muttered.
"Don't be." Tracy smiled and I nearly hurled when I saw the crocodile tears in her eyes. This shit was a joke. No, I decided it wasn't the whiskey. That woman's face was making my stomach turn. "I'm not expecting miracles," she said. "Lia has every right to feel the way she does."
"Damn straight," I sneered. "An organ won't erase eighteen years of having the shit kicked out of her or starving on the side of the road, while sleeping in a house that's not fit for a dog to piss in." She blanched at my words. Well, good. About time someone gave her some home truths. I didn't have an ounce of sympathy for her. My sympathy well was bone dry.
"Derek," Kyle hissed. "Jesus Christ." He looked mortified and I debated keeping my mouth shut. Kyle was my best friend and anything I had to say was going to fuck things up between us, but then I thought of Lee…Cam wasn't here to knock some sense into the dumbass. She was completely defenseless…
"Fuck it," I snapped unable to sit back and stay silent. Drunk or not, they were going to hear my opinion on the matter. "I'm sorry, but you both need to hear this." I leaned forward and grabbed a glass of whiskey, tipped it back my throat before slamming the glass on the table and continuing. "I've known Lee just as long as you have, Kyle," I told him. "She's like a sister to me. I lived with her for a year and I'm not fucking blind." I turned to glare at Tracy. "Have you seen your daughter's body?" I asked, my voice full of sarcasm. "Well, if you ever do, you'll see that she wasn't just beaten. She was fucking tortured." My voice was laced with disgust because I was disgusted. I was repulsed. I'd seen the scars on Lee. She had more burns, stitch scars and dents on her body than I'd ever seen on a human body.