The Bucket List

by Skyla Carter

  All of a sudden, making love to this man became the single most important thing in her life.

  "I swear, I'm going to kill her," Corey muttered as he let Alyssa into the house first.

  "Maybe you should give her a break," Mandy repeated for the millionth time that day. "Something is bothering her, you've got to make her feel like she can talk to you about it."

  "She knows that already," he said. "She should have come to me before she decided to do drugs. And to take my car for a joyride."

  "Well, if you give her a chance to explain, you two will be friends again in the morning," Mandy said confidently.

  "Maybe you're right," Corey sighed. "Want a cup of coffee and something to eat? I'm starving. I can drive you to the hotel after. Unless you're spending the night with John, again."

  "You say that like you think something happened last night," Mandy said as she followed him towards the kitchen.

  "Don't tell me my boy had a game meltdown again," Corey chuckled.

  "He's just being a gentleman. I kinda like it," Mandy said. "It's nice to know we can take our time and just enjoy each other, and not feel pressured to have sex. The best relationships start out like that."

  But the very next second she wished she could take her words back. Corey had stopped in his tracks, making her bump into his back. When she looked around him to see what had made him stop so suddenly, she felt her heart break.

  Right there on the kitchen table, a naked John was making love to Rae.

  Chapter Twelve

  It was John pulling out of her rather than the little shocked gasp that had alerted her that something was wrong. Then when she had turned her head, she had seen both Corey and Mandy standing by the door. Mandy was understandably hurt and she had kicked herself all night for putting that look in her eyes. The girl had genuinely liked her and she'd just gone ahead and slept with the man she wanted. Some friend she'd turned out to be.

  But it was the look in Corey's eyes that had kept her up all night. He'd been extremely hurt and had looked a bit... heartbroken. She couldn't understand that.

  All night that little scene had replayed over and over again in her mind.

  John pulling out of her... the little gasp... John rushing to cover himself then her as if they still had any dignity left... the tears in Mandy's eyes before she'd turned away and rushed out of the room... Corey standing there looking at her as if she had just broken his heart... The cold look he threw to John before the hoarse words escaped his lips...

  "Was it worth it, John?"

  She had tried to get off the table so she could explain, but Corey had held a hand up and stopped her in her tracks. Then he'd just walked out.

  She didn't know what she had expected. A few blows, maybe, a few harsh words. Corey had, after all, been telling John for years how he would rip his head off if he ever gave into temptation. But he'd done nothing, and somehow that had devastated her more. The whole weekend had turned out to be a total cluster fuck and sleeping with John had been the last nail in her coffin.

  There was only one thing she could do now.

  With a tired sigh, she looked over at the man sleeping next to her. She'd ended up sharing his bed, not because she was horny but because she'd just needed the comfort of a human touch. She knew he hadn't slept much either, it must have been only an hour before that his breathing had slowed and sleep had claimed him. Poor man. She'd managed to ruin his new relationship because of one stupid mistake. How would he explain this to Mandy? Knowing him, he probably wouldn't even try even though everyone knew he believed he was head of heels for this girl.

  So it was all up to her. Once she told Alyssa, once she explained her actions, maybe the girl would take him back.

  The sick feeling in her stomach, that she now knew was guilt, intensified at the thought of the day ahead of her. It would be the day that changed everything.

  With a sigh, she slid out from John's heavy arm. A few presents caught her eye as she got up and she remembered she hadn't opened any of her birthday presents. The last birthday presents she would ever have.

  The top one was flat and wrapped in some funky paper, but she knew who it was from straight away. She had seen Matt holding it the night of the ill fated party. She didn't feel like opening it, didn't feel like getting another dose of guilt over her actions. She should have just talked to Nate and told him how she felt about the whole Beth thing instead of sleeping with the next man who had offered her a bit of relief from the anguish she'd carried with her since her visit to the doctor. Whether Nate had run off to Beth or not, they had not officially broken up and that meant she was indeed the cheating whore she had warned him she could be.

  But after a minute, she found herself slowly peeling the wrapping paper off anyway.

  It was a framed portrait of herself, the one he had sketched on their first and only date. She looked so... happy. He'd even captured the sparkle in her eye as she'd looked into his eyes. She knew exactly what she had been thinking, that she couldn't wait to get his clothes off. He'd showed some of that, too. So many emotions, captured by the one man who had witnessed them all and immortalized on a piece of paper. And on the side of it was the most beautiful poem she had ever read. He called it emoetry... emotion in poetry, and he could not have expressed his emotions any clearer or better than he had in that little passage next to her face. He'd called it 'A lot in common.'

  The whole poem touched her in a way she had never experienced before, but a few of the phrases really speared her heart.

  You're smart... but still slow... So am I

  You're waiting... but happy... So am I

  You're leaving... but staying... So am I

  A tear slid down her cheek as she remembered again how soon she would have to say good bye. She was waiting, waiting to die but when she had been with him she had been happy, despite that annoying little fact. She was leaving, but with his portrait, he had ensured that she would stay. He had expressed what she was feeling in those few words while still letting her know that he was right there with her.

  She was smart, but when it came to this love thing, she was obviously very slow. Nate had been nothing but good to her. He had told her from the very first day how she made him feel. He'd never said the word love, obviously it was way too soon for that, but what they had was beautiful. Or had been before she'd fucked it up and slept with her friend. And the bad thing was, this new Rae wouldn't let her keep that fact from Nate. He deserved nothing but honesty.

  "You all right?"

  She looked over at the bed and realised John had been watching her all along.

  "No," she whispered with a sad little smile. "You and I need to talk. But I need to talk to Corey first."

  Neither Corey or Mandy were picking up their phone. She managed to find her room at the hotel but Michelle, whom she was sharing a room with, told her she hadn't come back the previous night. She decided to hang around. Wherever they were, they'd have to come back to get ready for the show that night.

  So that meant she had to find Nate first. When she got that apology out of the way she could find Irving and tell him the truth. Then that would leave Corey, Mandy and John. She found the message he had sent her the previous day with his room number then made her way to his floor. But the first people she met by the elevator were Peyton and Kelly.

  "I don't think you'll score here, Rachael," Peyton snickered.

  Great. Had it been that obvious?

  "Eat shit and die, bitch," she muttered before walking past her.

  The groupies only laughed. Obviously, whatever little respect she'd had before had been shot to pieces. But she couldn't dwell on that. She had a hard day ahead of her.

  Nate's door was answered at the first knock, but it was clear when the shock registered in his eyes that he hadn't been expecting her at all.

  "Rae. I didn't think you'd come."

  "We need to talk. Can I come in?"

  He stood aside to let her pass, but she still felt as if he
didn't really want her there. Well, she wasn't going to take up too much of his time. She was sure once she told him what she had done, he would kick her out, anyway.

  "Have you seen Irving yet? He was in here for hours trying to get me to talk," he said as he followed her into the room.

  "I'll find him soon. I needed to talk to you first," she said as she turned around to face him. "I wanted to apologise for Saturday. And yesterday. I jumped to a lot of conclusions when I heard you on the phone to Beth so I just took the easy option. I should have said it to your face straight away. I didn't like that you couldn't tell her you were with me, and that you left me to be with her."

  "I didn't leave to be with Beth, I left so you could be with your family. I thought you'd tell them what was really going on once they cornered you," he answered. "And I didn't feel it was right to tell Beth about you over the phone."

  "Didn't wanna break her heart?" she asked sarcastically.

  "No. I just wanted to look her in the eye when I told her I was over her. And when I told her I feel more for you than I ever felt for her."

  "But you were in love with her," she stated.

  "Yes."

  The realisation of his words knocked the wind out of her sails and she had to sit down. He was in love with her? After only a week?

  Nate walked over to the wall by the glass door and casually leaned on it, his hands in his pockets as he looked at her.

  "I mean it, Rae," he continued softly. "What you're doing with your list and everything made me realise that life is short and you've got to make each day count."

  "You can't be in love with me," she whispered, her hand going to her temple as she thought how her next words were going to affect him.

  "Yes, I can. I got into this with my eyes wide open. I wanted to make you feel special so I gave you all that I am, with no reservations. I opened my heart to you. But don't worry, I'm not going to force myself on you or anything. I know with everything you're going through, you're not even thinking like that," he answered. "I just wanted you to know so you learn to trust me."

  What had she done?

  "So you didn't sleep with Beth?"

  "No!" he denied vehemently. "I haven't even seen her yet, she's supposed to be here any minute. It was Matt's bright idea. He thought if he got her to come over, I'd take one look at her and take her back. But I'd never do that, I'd never cheat on you."

  She closed her eyes to block the sincere look in his eyes. And so she wouldn't see the hurt in them when she finally told him the truth.

  "I cheated on you," she blurted out. "Last night. I saw a lifeline and I took it. I'm sorry."

  That was met with a deafening silence that forced her to open her eyes. She swore she could actually see his heart breaking as he looked at her before that closed look finally settled in his eyes. What the fuck had she done? Nate had been nothing but good to her and she'd fucked everything up.

  "Nate... "

  "I cant... not now," he said hoarsely.

  "I didn't mean to hurt you," she said.

  "Rae... Please... Just go."

  With a final look at him, she got up and made her way to the door. As she had predicted, he was kicking her out. And he would probably never speak to her again. She deserved no less. Nate was too good for her. She should have realised that from the beginning and not got involved with him.

  "I'm sorry," she said again before finally walking out of the door.

  When she closed it, the tears she had been holding escaped her eyes. She should have explained herself a bit better, she should have fought for him. She should have let him know that she wasn't ready to let go of him. She should have let him know that had she not been dying, she would have easily fallen in love with him, too.

  But she couldn't do that. She had to let him go. It hadn't been fair getting into a relationship that had no future in the first place.

  ***

  "Where the hell have you been?"

  She couldn't remember how she had ended up knocking on Irving's door. Every step she'd taken away from Nate's door had brought home certain realizations, the biggest of which was how, after telling everyone the truth, she would have no choice but to carry out her plan. She would have to say goodbye.

  Even as Irving ushered her into the room and cursed her out for her actions, her heart broke into a million pieces.

  "I've told you over and over again that you don't touch that shit," he continued. "Is it not bad enough that you don't respect yourself?"

  She sank into the couch, only half listening as she formed the words she was going to say. The words that were going to change his life.

  "So?"

  She looked up at him and realised he had just asked her a question.

  "Huh?"

  "God, you're high now, aren't you?"

  "No!" she denied.

  "So answer me. What the hell were you thinking?"

  She sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. This was it.

  "I just wanted to forget... just for one night," she whispered.

  "Forget what?" he asked. "We've all been worried about you. I told you before you can come to me for anything. I can't understand why you would do drugs, not after the last time."

  Aah, yes. The last time. Just after her mum's funeral when she had disappeared for days. Irving had actually been the one who had found her and taken her back home. Instead of shouting at her, he had talked to her and got her to open up. He'd also got her to promise she would never touch the stuff again.

  "I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "I'm sorry you had to worry about me like this. I'm sorry I disrespected you like that on Saturday. I'm sorry I waited so long to get to know you. I'm sorry for everything, Irving."

  "You're going to have to do better than that, Rachael."

  She looked up into his eyes and thought how his was the second heart she was going to break that day. It wasn't getting easier at all.

  "I wanted to forget, even if only for one night, that I'm dying."

  ***

  He sat on his parents' porch swing, a smoke burning between his fingers, totally forgotten. The previous night kept replaying in his mind as it had all night, even as he'd held Alyssa as she'd cried herself to sleep.

  He blamed himself for the way he was feeling. If he hadn't got her drunk Friday night, she would never have come on to him. He would never have dipped himself into her. And Pandora's Box would never have been opened. He would never have spent the whole Saturday relieving every beautiful time he had made love to her. That had been ten freaking years ago; it shouldn't have come so easily to him! Then, when they had gone shopping, every time she had modeled those skimpy little clothes and pranced around in her underwear, he would never have started imagining making love to her all over again

  Seeing her in Nate's arms, seeing her face the way it was... it had put more dirty thoughts in his head. Without even having to close his eyes, he had seen her in his arms instead of Nate's, heard her moan his name. After that many drinks, before Dave had finally got the better of him, he had even imagined he could taste her skin...

  Last night he had felt like he had been shot to pieces. He had only just got his head around her and Nate, only to have John nail that shit too. John, of all people. What the fuck was he playing at? Since when did he do one nighters? Unless of course it wasn't a one nighter. Shit! He hadn't thought that far. Were they now a couple? Was that what it was?

  Alyssa came out with two mugs of coffee, thankfully disturbing his thoughts. He didn't like where they'd been heading.

  "Hey," she said as she handed him a cup and sat down next to him. "Thought you could use that before we head out."

  He looked down at the bottles of beer that had accumulated at his feet as he took a sip of the coffee. She was right. He needed to dilute some of the alcohol in his system before his match that night. He was fighting John and he didn't really see that ending well. It would do him no good if he got into trouble for being drunk as well as beating the shit out of Jo
hn.

  "How are you feeling?" he asked her.

  He knew she hadn't slept at all. His parents had already gone to sleep when he had led her up to his old room; she hadn't wanted to go back to the hotel in case John followed her there. She hadn't wanted to be alone either so he'd ended up sharing the bed with her all night.

  "I'll live," she murmured wryly.

  "I still can't believe John would do that."

  "To me or to you?"

  He looked down at his friend as if she had just asked the most stupid question.

  "Come on, Corey. Last night hurt you as much as it hurt me. Any idiot can see that," she explained. "I know you're in love with Rae."

  "I'm not in love with her," he denied. "It's just... it's complicated."

  "Well, whatever it is, John knew about it, too. And he still did what he did." Mandy stated bitterly as she drained her cup and stood up. "Come on, I need to get my stuff at the hotel before we head for the arena."

  He followed her into the house, a frown on his face as he thought over her words. Love? What he was feeling... it couldn't be explained by that dirty, meaningless little word. But he knew whatever it was had him wishing he had been in John's shoes last night.

  Corey was already waiting by the Gorilla when he got there. He had been dreading this moment the whole day, dreading facing the man who was in love with the woman he had slept with. How would he explain this? For years he had not given into his baser instincts but last night had been different. Rae had been different. He'd sensed so much desperation in her, not sexual desperation, but something more, something stronger. It had scared him. Everything she had done over the weekend had scared him. She had gone to such extremes just to avoid talking to anyone. He had known that meant she was hiding something pretty big.

  And then in the morning, when he had seen her crying, seen her shoulders haunch in defeat, she had confirmed it. But she'd said she had to speak to Corey first. He could understand that, Corey was after all the most important person in her life. But the waiting was killing him. After getting Corey's precious car back home, he'd had nothing but time to think and he hadn't liked his thoughts at all. He had been waiting for her to get in touch all day so he could finally know what the hell was going on. He didn't really need to know what the previous night meant for their relationship, he knew they were still friends. He knew it hadn't been the beginning of something. Last night had been what it had been, just a side effect of whatever she was going through. He just wished she would hurry up and talk to him.