The Bucket List

by Skyla Carter

  "Don't say that."

  "But it's true. You're sitting there telling me how you're just dying without her when all you're admitting is that you're just a big coward. You're not man enough to tell her to her face why you're doing this so you're definitely not man enough for her."

  "I said stop it."

  "You say Nate stole her? Good. She's better off without a snivelling little bastard like you anyway."

  He supposed he should have got up and knocked Ethan's teeth out, but he couldn't feel any anger at his brother's words. He couldn't feel anything.

  "Just go post the letter, Ethan," he sighed.

  Rae stood in front of the mirror in her room and sighed. She looked a mess. Her make-up didn't quite cover the bags under her dead eyes, or her sunken cheeks. And even though the little blue dress she wore was beautiful, she felt it was just hanging on her like a sack.

  Sara had made an effort with her hair, though. It had been greasy as fuck and stringy because she hadn't felt like washing it the past month, but now it hung glossy and full down her back. She thought it was her only saving grace.

  Why were they trying to force her to go out anyway? Couldn't they understand what she was going through? She was dead inside, yet they expected her to pretend she was all right. To put a smile on her face like what she'd gone through, what she was going through wasn't worth shit.

  "Liz and Bob are here," Sara said from her doorway. "Oh, sweetie, you look so gorgeous."

  "Thanks," she said, even though she didn't buy that.

  How were they expecting her to sit through a night with the Steeles? They had been to see her almost every single day, and Ethan everyday when he was home from work, but she hadn't heard a single word about Corey.

  Was he all right? Had he moved on? Why hadn't he called her? Why had he kissed her they way he'd done before she'd gone in for her surgery only to disappear from her life? Why couldn't he just come home? She would tell him then, that Nate wasn't her boyfriend. Even though she doubted it would make a difference. Maybe she should have listened to Nate when he'd said she was making Corey jealous, but deep down she knew that wasn't the reason he had stayed away.

  She knew how he got when he was jealous. The first thing he would have done was kicked Nate's teeth in. Then he would have claimed her as his own.

  No, Corey wasn't jealous. He'd just used Nate as an excuse to stop loving her.

  Corey had made his choice and it wasn't her. All those years together as the best of friends had meant nothing to him. A whole month she'd been home from the hospital, yet he hadn't even come to see her. He hadn't even called. And he hadn't had his fucking phone on.

  If that didn't spell out, 'Stay the fuck away from me,' then she didn't know what did.

  "I'll be down in a second," she whispered as that thought speared her in her heart.

  Sara nodded and walked out of the room.

  She waited until she was sure the other woman was out of earshot she slid down to the floor and let out a silent cry.

  Why was he doing this? He'd told her he loved her... He'd told her he'd never leave her... He'd lied.

  "Rae?"

  She heard John's voice from the doorway and quickly wiped her tears away.

  "Baby, don't cry," John said as he quickly joined her on the floor.

  "Why did he lie to me?" she cried. "Why is he hurting me like this?"

  "Hush, baby. Please," John said as he held her tightly in his arms.

  She knew John wouldn't have been able to answer her questions. Corey had refused to see him as well since the day of her surgery.

  "I can't go out," she whispered. "I can't face being out there right now."

  "I'll tell Irving," he nodded as he kissed the top of her head.

  He wiped her tears and gave her a little smile before he got up to leave the room.

  She didn't know where she would have been without John. Soon after she'd got home from the hospital, they'd finally been able to talk about that night and lay a few demons to rest. She understood why that night had happened. John had sensed what she had been trying to tell him and had acted on his fear. It was exactly the same thing Corey had done.

  With Nate out of the picture for a while and Corey out for... well, forever, he'd been the only person she'd been able to really talk to. He'd been the one who'd stayed up with her late at night and let her cry her heart out. He'd given up his free time for her; rather than going home on his days off, he'd been coming to hers.

  It helped a little, but it still didn't stop her feeling like her heart had been wrenched out of her body; like she would never ever be able to really breathe again.

  Corey waited about an hour after his family had gone out before he left his parents' house. He didn't really need anything from his house... Rae's house, but from the moment his mother had told him they were all going out, he'd felt this need to be close to Rae. Even if he was only close to her stuff.

  It was pathetic really, what she had reduced him to, but there was nothing he could do. He needed to be close to her.

  The house was in total darkness, except for the security lights, as he walked up the driveway, just as he'd expected.

  What was he really doing there? Was he not hurting enough? How would it help him, to be there again? And what did he really expect to do? Sniff her panties? He was being a jerk. He wasn't supposed to be there. He had to turn back, before he made a fool of himself.

  Well, before he made a bigger fool of himself. He was already a fool for loving someone who belonged to another.

  "Go home, Corey," he whispered to himself, his hand on the door handle.

  'Don't be a dick. Put your hands above your head. Step away from the fucking door. It's over. It's fucking done. Just go,' he thought to himself. But he turned that damned handle anyway.

  He'd never been too smart when it came to Rae. He'd had plenty of time to think about it over the past few weeks; to think about all the years he and Rae had been inseparable. He'd bent to her every wish, hung on her every word without even realising it. Even as a toddler, he would have protected her with his life. He would have, and had done anything to make her happy. He had blindly followed her everywhere. And he'd been happy doing it.

  His life had always been centered on her. No wonder John and Irving had told him they could see he was in love with her from miles away.

  He pushed the door open and slowly walked in. Everything seemed as he had left it. There was no indication anywhere that a black cloud had settled over anything, the way it had settled over him. He didn't know why he expected to see anything different, it wasn't as if she was heartbroken over him or anything like that. And besides, she'd had people all around her, taking care of her since her surgery. There would have been no heaps of dirty clothes, no dirty dishes, no dust, anyway.

  With a sigh, he walked switched the lights on and walked down the hall slowly to the kitchen. The place was neat and tidy as always, everything was in place. He started remembering the old days, soon after they had moved in together. They'd cooked together, ate together and washed up together, usually among a lot of laughter and joking about. No, life had never been dull with her there.

  He pushed open the side doors and looked over the back yard. They'd had plenty of parties here; they'd shared so many guilty pleasures in that very swimming pool. He'd lost count of the women they'd had in there, and only now he'd admitted to himself why those women had always been so good. Only because Rae had been there. Only because touching her, kissing her had heightened all his other senses.

  It had been her all along. It had always been her.

  He hadn't been with any women since she had got with Nate when she had been on the road with them, and for once in his life he hadn't wanted to.. It seemed such a long time ago now, but that was when he had started losing her. He should have just seen it then, should have seen how deeply in love he was with her. He would have then stopped whatever she'd had going on with Nate before it had got the chance to grow. It would
have saved him a lot of heartache.

  With another sigh, he walked back into the house. Maybe coming here had been a bad idea after all.

  He led Rae down the stairs, her little hand in his as she followed him blindly.

  He paused briefly when he saw the hall light on.

  "You okay, John?" Rae asked when she noticed.

  "Yeah," he smiled. "Why don't you go sit down and I'll bring us some beer and plenty of junk food? Put some music on or something."

  "Okay," Rae shrugged.

  She'd changed into a pair of sweats and a little t-shirt and scrubbed the make-up off her face, but her eyes and nose were still red from crying. He saw her lips curl into a little smile for him before she let go of his hand and walked ahead.

  He watched her walk into the den and the smile left his face. He was pretty sure he'd switched all the lights off and locked the door after Irving, Sara and the Steele's had gone out. Someone was here.

  He walked over to the door, and sure enough, the handle turned easily and the door opened.

  Only one other person had a key.

  Biting down on his jaw and clenching his fists, he locked the door again before he made his way to the kitchen.

  And sure enough, he came face to face with the one man who was causing all the misery his dear friend was going through.

  The younger man looked shocked when he saw him but he said nothing at all. And he looked absolutely pathetic, like he hadn't slept or eaten in weeks. Or had a good wash. His eyes were bloodshot, he had stubble on his chin, his hair had grown some and was all spiky and messy... and he could smell alcohol on his breath.

  He'd been waiting for this moment for weeks, waiting for when he finally got his hands on him and literally kicked some sense into him. But looking at his friend now, all his anger left him. Corey was doing no better than Rae was. It was his fault entirely, of course, through his misguided conviction that what he'd witnessed the night he'd returned to the hospital had been anything but innocent.

  When Irving had finally let Rae get out of bed, she'd seen the now almost empty game room and asked what had happened. He'd had no choice but to tell her why Corey had done that. He'd told her Corey had been jealous of Nate, and the first thing she'd done was try to call him to explain. The bastard hadn't had his phone on since the day he'd last seen them. And of course, he hadn't been accepting any visitors. He'd flat out cut everyone out of his life.

  Idiot. Everything would have been sorted by now if he had just come to talk to her. According to the Steeles, he turned downright nasty if anyone tried to talk about her. Now he had Rae thinking he didn't love her when it was so obviously not true.

  "You should have called her," he said.

  Corey just clenched his jaw and looked away.

  "You've been a prick, you don't deserve her at all," he continued. "I don't know how you live with yourself, knowing how you've treated her. What, was she another one of your love 'em and leave 'em hoes? Did you get with her just because she was dying?"

  He knew none of this was true, but he wanted to get a reaction out of him.

  And he did.

  "She got with me because she thought she was dying," he hissed angrily.

  "Oh? Really? She said that, did she?"

  "She didn't need to. I know that girl better than any of you. She would have done anything to cheer me up."

  "Is that why you have your phone off? Why you won't see anyone? Because you think we're all trying to feed you bullshit?" John asked calmly.

  "Because I don't want her to call me and tell me we can still be friends," Corey hissed again. "I can't be her friend, John. It would kill me."

  He walked past Corey to the fridge and grabbed a six pack before finding a bag of potato chips and a box of chocolates in a cupboard.

  "She dials your number a million times each day," he said once he was facing his friend again. "But I don't think she's looking to be friends."

  He saw a glimmer of something in his eyes but Corey quickly looked away from him.

  "She... she's been trying to call me?" Corey asked.

  "Everyday," he confirmed.

  "Everyday when Nate wasn't there?" he asked bitterly.

  "She hasn't spoken to Nate since she left the hospital."

  There. He'd said it. The one thing Corey needed to know but had refused to listen to. Little annoying shit. He should have just whipped his butt first like he'd planned to.

  "Why?" Corey asked.

  Why? Why? This was unbelievable. How could he be so blind to what was going on around him?

  "You'll have to ask her that," he answered.

  Corey shook his head and started walking out of the kitchen.

  "I can't... I have to think about it... "

  The moment he said that, music started drifting out of the den. And not just any music, the wailing, broken hearted, 'can't live without you' kind of music. Rae had been playing that song in particular over and over again the past few weeks, so much so he felt like finding Enrique wherever the hell he was and shooting him.

  A smile appeared on his lips at the perfect timing when Corey froze in his tracks.

  "She's here," Corey stated, his eyes glued on the entrance to the den that was only a few feet in front of him.

  He couldn't see his face but he could bet Corey was panicking, telling himself to get the hell out of there, but frozen in the same spot.

  "Oh, yeah. Didn't I say?" he smiled.

  If there was ever a song that was just right for this situation, it was that. Maybe Enrique had some sort of magic after all.

  He waited a moment for what always came around about that part of the song, and he wasn't disappointed.

  Her soft cry. Her hurting cry. It was always painful to listen to when he couldn't do a damn thing about it. But this man in front of him could.

  He saw Corey's hand go up to his chest, like he couldn't stand to hear her pain either.

  How had Corey thought he could let go of Rae so easy? They had something many people only dreamt of, how had he thought he could let her go? Even if his fears had been true, even if Rae had somehow chosen Nate, Corey should have fought for her. Instead of running home to mummy with his tail between his legs.

  He watched as Corey slowly inched his way forward until he stood by the door. He could still hear Rae crying softly like her heart was breaking all over again.

  Then he walked back to the kitchen and quietly closed the door behind him. He hoped Corey sorted this mess out, because if he didn't there was no telling he would do to him.

  His beer and snacks still in his hands, he went to sit outside. Just in case they did make up. He didn't want any part of that bit.

  ***

  Rae was sitting on a couch with her knees to her chest and her head down. Her hair was in her face so he couldn't see her tears, but he could hear her soft crying. He'd always hated it when she cried but this time... this time was hurting him in ways he couldn't describe.

  Corey stood by the doorway, unable to move, unable to say anything even though his head was screaming at him to just walk to her and hold her; to make her tears stop and her pain to go away. What was he supposed to do? He had used up all his strength trying to avoid this very situation; trying to avoid being so close to her. He had to run. He had to get out of there.

  But he still couldn't move.

  He had hurt so badly the past few weeks, just wishing he could see her again. And she was there, right in front of him... The person who made him whole, the other half of him. How in the world was he supposed to live without her? How would he go through each day away from her and still function like a human being? It would be impossible. He'd surely die.

  But what other option did he have? She didn't feel the same way about him. It was Nate she wanted.

  So why was she hurting like this when she had what she wanted? She was supposed to be happy. He had stayed away from her because he had truly believed this. Why wasn't she happy? Why hadn't she seen Nate since her s
urgery? Had he finished with her? Had he broken her heart? Had Nate left her in as much pain over him as he, himself, was over her?

  Over the past few weeks, his family had tried to tell him something, urging him to just talk to her and clear the air. But he hadn't wanted to listen, he hadn't wanted to hurt anymore than he'd already been. Maybe they had tried to tell him that she was finished with Nate. Maybe she had tried to call him for the same reason, so that he could come over and pick up the pieces. Which he would have done gladly. He would have done anything to be in her life again.

  Rae was sitting there, looking so broken. Without Nate. Something had happened and that freak was out of her life.

  John's words floated into his head and he remembered the brief hope he had felt when he'd heard them.

  Had she really said she had only got with him because death had been hanging over their heads? No, but only because he hadn't given her the chance. But what if he had been wrong?

  What if he hadn't been wrong about what he'd seen in her eyes when he'd been with her? What if her words had been the truth?

  Something else came to him, the words she had spoken after their little fight, when they'd made up on the plane.

  "I'll never forget about you, Corey. You mean everything to me. Whatever happens from here on out, just remember that."

  Had she really meant that? Whatever happened, even her getting with Nate, did he still mean everything to her? If that was true, then had he done this to her? Had he caused all this pain?

  Had he been wrong?

  No. He couldn't have been. He had given her exactly what she'd wanted. But now, obviously, what she'd wanted hadn't wanted her.

  He felt his heart beat louder at the thought. Did this mean he had a chance? She was crying like this over that painted freak, but maybe in time, she would forget about him. Maybe he could wipe Nate right out of her heart. He loved her more than anything, surely that meant he had love enough for both of them? Ethan had told him to fight for her. He would.

  Damn it, he was not going to walk away from her! The hell had he been thinking to believe he could? Nate could go screw himself! Rae was his. She had always been his. He would stay here and fight for her until she was back in his life the way he wanted her. For good.