by Vivian Wood
He nods to my nearly empty whiskey glass. “Do me a favor? Go easy on that stuff. I don't want you to get so drunk that you do something you will regret later.” He pauses, hesitating. “Also, be nice to Kaia. Especially if you are going to continue drinking. Okay?”
I scowl at him and drain the last dregs from my tumbler. “Fuck off.”
“That's a funny way of telling me that you love me too.” He picks up the urn with a single palm, hefting Anita as he heads out the door. I glower after him and watch him go.
When the door closes behind him, I pour myself another glass of whiskey. Not quite sure what to do with myself, I wander around the apartment for a while. It grows darker outside, the sun finally beginning to set over the gleaming skyscrapers that mark Manhattan's skyline.
Inside I am just festering, seething, roiling. I'm not even sure why exactly.
Maybe it's because my sanctuary has been compromised today. Or maybe it's because Anita was a horrible human being… but she was also the only caring soul in a dark time in my life. My emotions keep sloshing around inside of me like too much alcohol, one minute rage and the next minute an endless well of sadness.
I break my promise to my brother almost immediately by not tempering my drinking at all. Everything soon grows fuzzier and the world seems to have softer edges than it did before.
It's a little easier to deal with myself now. I don't know how tomorrow will go. I'm just doing whatever I can to blunt the feelings that are simmering inside my body, threatening to rise up and pour out my mouth and nose.
By the time that Kaia comes home, I'm officially sauced. I'm lying on the bare floor in the spare bedroom, my gaze turned toward the window. I'm looking at the twinkle of the lights coming from the buildings around mine.
I hear her voice coming from the kitchen. “Calum? Calum, are you home?”
I try to sit up but gravity soon pulls me back to earth. I groan and roll onto my side.
“Calum?”
“Kaia,” I bleat.
I hear her footsteps coming closer. She flips on the overhead light and then sees the state I am in. Her expression is befuddled.
“Oh Calum… She sighs. “Jesus. Lucas texted me telling me to come home early but there was no way around rehearsal tonight. I see that I should've just called out sick.”
I shrug, or I try to at least. “It's fine. It's all fine.”
Kaia disappears for a moment and then she reappears with a pillow. Kneeling down beside me, she tucks the pillow under my head. “Is that better?”
“It's good.” I hug her leg awkwardly. “Lucas brought Anita here.”
“He did what now?” She cocks her head.
“In an urn. Can you believe it? The bitch finally got here but she had to die first.” A laugh bubbles up from deep in my chest.
“Oh, honey.” Kaia leans forward and brushes my hair back.
I look up at her and am suddenly struck by how pretty she is.
“God you’re beautiful,” I blurt out. “You're so beautiful. What'd I ever do to deserve you?”
She frowns a little bit. “Maybe I should get you a glass of water. Does that sound good?”
I shake my head. “No. I want you to say here. I want it to be just you and me. Just us two, together forever. That's what sounds good to me.”
She quietly sucks in a breath. She seems pensive but whatever she's thinking, she keeps it to herself.
I catch her hand and bring it to my chest, trapping it against my heart. “Do you feel that? That's my heartbeat.”
She smiles softly. “I know that.”
I look up at her, admiring her beauty again. “I love you. Did you know that?”
That brings a smile back to her lips. “I did. I have a question for you, though. How did you get so drunk?”
I let out a little laugh. “I don't know. How did you get so pretty?”
She rolls her eyes at me. “And here I thought that we were going to have to talk about serious matters when I got home…”
“What serious matters?” I ask. The world tilts dangerously and I shut my eyes.
She breathes a sigh. “It'll keep until tomorrow.”
“Are you sure?” I ask.
“Yep.” She grabs my hand and brings it to her lips. Then she lets me go and I hear her getting up.
“Where are you going?” I complain.
“I’m just going to grab us both a glass of water and snag some more pillows. I thought that maybe we could make a bed on the floor. Okay?”
I smile at her. “Okay. That sounds good. You’re too good for me.”
She walks away and I listen to the pitter patter of her feet on the hardwood floor.
I am lucky to have her, I think to myself. I roll onto my back and begin to sink into darkness.
30
I wake to an electronic chime. Cracking my eyes open, I realize that I am still on the floor of the spare bedroom. Beside me is my boyfriend, he is breathing soft and shallow. My phone chimes a second time and I managed to focus my eyes a little more, pulling the phone free from my pocket.
It looks like I missed about seventy five notifications, mostly texts and emails from my friends.
Are you okay? Ella texted an hour ago.
I frown and don't really fully understand her question. But soon enough it becomes clear to me why everyone is suddenly trying to contact me.
My name and face are plastered across the entertainment section of the biggest New York newspaper.
I open my email and read the article from Ella's email. There I am, splashed across the pages of the newspaper. In the photo, I’m at the NYB, dancing with Calum. My expression is pure want; Calum’s face is turned towards my and his expression is darker, hungrier.
Above us is the headline that reads, “BILLIONAIRE ACCUSED OF AFFAIR WITH BALLERINA!”.
“Shit.” I say out loud.
Calum rouses at that, squinting at me. “Fuck.” He pushes himself to sit upright. “Oh God. How much did I drink?”
I scrunch my face up and look over at. “You're going to want to have a cup of coffee and a glass of water before I have to tell you bad news.”
He cocks his head and groans. “Oh fuck. Is it the company?”
“What? No. Come on.” I get up with a moan. My back definitely didn't appreciate sleeping the whole night on the hardwood floor.
Calum drags himself up and goes the bathroom while I rustle up coffee and water for him. For myself, I skip the coffee and opt instead for a glass of kale and apple juice.
A few minutes later, Calum comes in. He is extremely grateful when I present him with his coffee and water. He carries them both into the living room and collapses on the couch, sitting with his head between his hands. I follow him, sucking in a deep breath.
I have to tell him that we've been exposed. But more than that, I have to tell him that I am pregnant. And that the more I have thought about it, the more I need to keep this baby growing inside me.
His baby.
Looking at him, I cup my stomach and sip a little bit of the green drink in my hand. It tastes so bad but I know it's good for me.
Just like I know that telling Calum the truth about my pregnancy is going to suck at first but be healthy in the long term.
I draw in a deep breath just as he sits his coffee.
“Coffee is magic,” he mutters. “Seriously, I don't know what I would do without it.”
I don't know how to disagree with that so I just make a vague sound of agreement.
“Calum?”
He holds a finger up and upends the entire huge glass of water that I poured for him. When he's done, he makes a refreshed sound and looks at me.
“Okay.” He gives himself a shake. “What were you talking about earlier? Something about bad news?”
I wince. “Yeah. I have two things that I really need to tell you. The first one is that my dad did go to the press. If you find your phone, you probably have a thousand notifications. People reaching out to yo
u, asking for comments on the story.” I scrunch up my face. “They didn't go easy on you at all. It looks very bad.”
He looks up at me, his expression serious. “Are you for real? Show me the article.”
I hand him my phone with the article pulled up. He takes one look at it and curses. “Really? This is the headline that they ran it with? For fuck’s sake!”
I expel a huge breath. “Yeah. It's even more cutthroat than I expected it to be. Also, I thought that we would have a little more warning. Don't reporters even check sources anymore?”
“Oh man.” He stands up and hands my phone over to me. “I have to check on the company's stock numbers. I didn't even talk to Lucas about the fact that we are probably going to take a serious hit until this whole thing blows over. Shit.”
Before I can say anything, he bounds out of the room, off to hunt down his phone. I frown and follow him, finding him in his office. He's found his phone and also has his laptop open.
“Fuck. Fuck! This is very bad.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Oh man…”
Pressing my lips into a thin line, I withdraw and let him work. Really I am just dreading the bigger news that I have to tell him.
I imagine it playing out something like this: I tell him, hey, I'm pregnant, by the way. And he tells me without batting an eyelash to get out of his apartment and never speak to him again.
You know, something like that. I drag myself through the shower and into a fresh change of clothes.
Ella texts me again to check in.
Are you okay? Please you just send a smoke signal or something to let me know that you're all right.
Everything is cool, I text her. Well, not really cool. But you know… We are both digesting the news.
After second, she texts back. About the pregnancy or about the so-called affair?
I pursed my lips and look towards Calum's office. He is still wrapped up in his world of worry, not concerned about anything outside of that at the moment.
I haven't told them that I'm pregnant. I want to, but this news sort of usurps anything I have to say.
Ella sends me a heart emoji. I shove my phone into my pocket and sit back on the couch, feeling like I am a dam that's dangerously close to breaking loose and flooding everywhere.
Twenty minutes later, Calum resurfaces. He comes back in the kitchen and starts pouring another cup of coffee, shaking his head. I'm not really paying attention to whatever he’s got going on, but he drops something in the kitchen and heaves an exaggerated sigh.
“Can nothing go right today?” he moans. “Seriously. Even the magic coffee beans aren't working anymore.”
I turn and look at him, gathering my nerve. “Calum? Could you come in here for a minute?”
He glances at me, his eyes scanning my face. I don't know if he clocks my nervous energy or not but he leaves the coffee and pads into the living room, plunking down on the couch.
“You look serious. What is it?”
I look down at my hands, which are clasped gently in my lap. I suck in a shuddering breath and look him dead in the eye. “I have to tell you something pretty serious.”
He looks perplexed. “More serious than the fact that IndicaTech’s stock is in freefall?”
I hesitate and then nod. “Yeah. I think it's more serious than that.”
He screws up his face. “What is it?”
“I…” My eyes mist over. I suck in another shaky breath. “I'm pregnant, Calum.”
He doesn't respond for a minute. The words stretch in the air between us, falling like sword blows. I scan his face, looking for a clue to how he’s going to react.
Every single one of my senses is screaming to get the hell out of here.
When he speaks, his voices low and his tone is accusatory. “You said you are on the pill.”
I take a deep breath. “I know. I was. I mean… I thought I was safe.” My voice cracks. “You have to know, Calum. You have to know that I never expected this to happen.”
He narrows his eyes. “No? You didn't just decide that your position as my girlfriend wasn't secure enough?”
My face screws up and tears start pouring down my face. “No! Are you crazy?”
“Then you should have no problem having an abortion,” he says.
Like it’s the simplest, most obvious thing in the whole wide world.
Like I haven’t agonized over my decision for almost two weeks.
I lift my chin. “I’ve thought about it. God knows that would make everything so much easier. But ultimately, I can’t just have an abortion because my birth control failed.”
His face gets red. “Why? Because it would otherwise be born into all of this wealth and privilege?”
“Because I want it! Okay? I want kids! This is not how I would choose to have my first one… but so what?”
“This is bullshit,” he spits. “I am not some atm for you to use however you want!”
I’m getting so worked up that I can’t see straight. “What about your half of the responsibility for this? I didn’t exactly get myself pregnant, you know. You did a lot of the work to get me in this condition.”
“Hah!” he practically shouts. “You are having an abortion. I’m going to be there at the doctor, making sure you go through with it. This won’t be Honor’s situation all over again.”
I glare at him. “I’m not going to be bullied over something as important as this. And for your information, this? This way you’re treating the mother of your unborn child? It’s unacceptable.”
He rocks back with a low laugh. “What the fuck? What in the everloving fuck?”
I blink, slowly realizing that the man sitting in front of me is not Calum. He’s bizzaro-Calum, Calum in a distorted mirror world.
God, this is going worse than I thought it possibly could. A tear breaks free and rolls down my face. I swipe it away and shake my head. “I swear to you, Calum. I didn't do this on purpose. I mean… I am going to have to quit dancing professionally. And that is a big change. Not one that I would make casually.”
He gives a disgusted snorts. “Yeah right. I should've known. I should have seen this coming. You were a stripper when we first met. And now, it turns out that you’re a whore to.”
I can't quite believe that he just said that. My jaw drops. “What?”
“You heard me.” He leans in, gritting his teeth. “You did this to me on purpose. And let me tell you right now, I'll have my lawyers all over your ass so fast that you will think twice before you ever fuck around with someone like me again.”
I stand up stiffly, my mouth contorting with rage. “Fuck you, Calum. I didn't ask you for anything. I didn't ask for any of this. All I ever wanted in the whole entire world was to be up ballerina at the New York Ballet. And I got it… But I got you too, apparently. That was my downfall.” I turn away, brushing tears from my face.
As I moved towards the bedroom, his voice follows me. “This isn’t over! We're not through talking about this! You not just going to take me to the cleaners on this one…”
I run through the apartment door that leads into what I think of as my apartment. I close the door and fall to the ground, sobbing.
That went as badly as I feared. Between losing that battle and the loss of my beloved job, I’ve done all the losing today that I ever could. All that I can stand.
I cry until I have no tears left. And then I stand up and call Ella. I need to get out of here and run as far as I can away.
31
I wake up in the early morning hours and reach out to Kaia, only to feel a cool expanse of bed where she usually sleeps. I cast my mind back over and try to think of where she is…
Then I remember why she is gone. It all comes back in a rush.
Her announcement, her pregnancy, me essentially kicking her out on the street.
The feeling of immense loneliness I had right after she left. I watched her walk away, knowing that she wasn’t going to come back.
It takes me a few hou
rs to even call my brother and tell him that Kaia ended things between us. In short order, he picks me up in his Mercedes S class and we head to the coast, to the small beach house I own.
As the car climbs the final hill to the house, memories hit me.
Memories of Kaia, seeing this place for the first time.
Of her holding my hand as we walked in the yard, looking at the raging sea.
I swallow a rising tide of loneliness and wonder how exactly I got here.
When the car finally pulls up to the house, I look over at my brother. He has been mostly silent for the entire trip. Lucas gets out of the car without a word to me and I heave a sigh.
I get out and stretch, looking around. The little house is still just as I left it, though it's now colder outside. The foliage has lost its verdant vibrancy and the sand now overtakes most of the driveway.
I follow Lucas into the house, loving the smell of the walnut wood cleaner that the house keeper uses on all the wood in here.
I follow Lucas into the living room and kitchen, eyeing him.
“So?”
He ignores that, walking to the French doors that look out over the sea.
I cross my arms. “Out with it.”
He glances at me. “I don’t think that you want to hear what I have to say, honestly.”
“Are you going to talk about whatever is bothering you? Or are you just going to pout?”
He shoots me a glare. “I’m just here to support you, I guess. As usual.”
I frown at him a little and head over to the refrigerator, pulling it open. I find a six pack of the beer I like chilling inside. I don't even ask, I just hand him a beer.
He studies me while he pops the top. I gesture around the room.
“Go right ahead, then,” I demand. “You obviously have something to say. So what is it?”
His mouth pulls down at the corners. “Later, okay? Let's just settle in here for a little bit first. I'm going to go grab our bags from the car.”
He sets his drink down, untouched, and stalks off toward the back of the house.
I shake my head and head outside through the French doors. I only walk twenty yards before the well-maintained grass melts away and in its place is pure rock. The dark blue sea swells and crashes against the rocks below me as I walk toward the cliff edge.