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by Amanda Berriman

  I say, ‘Mummy, you can ask a grown-up to help you.’

  Mummy does big noisy swallowing and then she says, ‘There’s no one to help, Jesika. I’m on my own and no one can do anything for us and I don’t know how much more I can take.’ She flings her hand out at Toby in his buggy and says, ‘I can’t even stop Toby crying,’ and then she cries and cries some more.

  I crouch down at Toby’s buggy and try to give him a cuddle but he pushes me away and cries even more louder and he doesn’t want to be tickled either so I cuddle Mummy instead, and after ages she’s not crying any more, just sniffing, and then a man does stop, and it’s Ryan and he’s huffing and puffing and he says, ‘Tina? I just got your text. No good then?’

  Mummy takes her hands away from her face and pulls a tissue out of her pocket and wipes her eyes and her nose and looks at her knees and lifts her shoulders up and down and says, ‘They can’t help. We’re not priority enough.’

  Ryan says, ‘Really?’ and he reaches over and puts his hand on Mummy’s shoulder and his arm is heavy on my shoulders and I wriggle forwards so his arm falls off me and Ryan looks at me and he’s smiling and he says, ‘Come to Lorna’s. She’s not working ’til later. Paige and Jesika can play and you can have a bit of a break and catch up with an old friend.’

  Play with Paige? Did he say play with Paige? I make my eyes wide and my mouth wide and look at Mummy and I say, ‘Can we, Mummy? Please, Mummy?’

  Mummy waves a hand at Toby still crying in his buggy and says, ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea today. And Jesika needs to have her lunch before preschool.’

  I say, ‘But I want to play with Paige!’

  Ryan says, ‘Come to Lorna’s. It won’t be any trouble to do lunch for everyone.’

  Mummy says, ‘No, I can’t … I don’t …’

  Ryan holds up his hand and says, ‘You can. Come to Lorna’s.’

  Mummy says, ‘I can’t put Lorna to that trouble. We’ve not seen each other in years!’

  Ryan says, ‘It’s no trouble at all. She’s so chuffed to find you again and she really wants to see you.’

  I say, ‘Please, Mummy, please!’

  Mummy looks at me and I squeeze my hands together tight and tight, and Mummy looks at Ryan and looks at Toby still crying and wipes her hands down her face and blows out a breath and says, ‘Are you sure she won’t mind us just turning up?’

  Ryan says, ‘Of course not!’

  Mummy says, ‘Maybe a change of scene is a good idea.’

  Ryan says, ‘Absolutely.’

  I say, ‘Are we going? Are we going to Paige’s?’

  Mummy smiles and says, ‘Yes. Yes, OK.’

  I jump up and down and say, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah,’ and Ryan smiles his biggest ever smile at me so I can see all his teeth, white and shiny.

  8

  PAIGE’S BIG OUTSIDE door is green! I say, ‘Green’s my fayvrit colour!’ and Ryan laughs and says, ‘That’s funny because green is my favourite colour, too!’

  Mummy doesn’t laugh. We walk up the path to Paige’s door and she says, ‘Are you sure this is OK?’

  Ryan says, ‘Don’t worry, it’s fine.’ He stops at the door but he doesn’t push it open, he presses a button next to it.

  I say, ‘Why don’t you push the door open?’

  Ryan laughs again and says, ‘I have to wait for Lorna to open it.’

  I say, ‘That’s not how our big outside door works.’

  The green door opens and there’s a lady and I think she must be real-life Rapunzel cos her hair is twisted together all the way down her front to her trousers.

  Then I see Paige, right there, peeping out from ahind Rapunzel’s legs and I’m so excited and I smile with all my teeth, like Ryan, and I say, ‘Hi, Paige! I didn’t know Rapunzel lived at your house!’

  Toby shouts, ‘Out! Out! Out!’

  Then everyone’s laughing and talking at the same time and Rapunzel and Mummy are hugging and then Mummy lifts Toby out of his buggy and Rapunzel steps to one side and says, ‘Come in, come in,’ and we all go inside and Mummy and Rapunzel are talking about how long it is since they saw each other and I say to Mummy, ‘Do you know Rapunzel?’ and everyone laughs again and Mummy says, ‘This is Lorna, Paige’s Mummy, and yes, we went to the same school,’ and Lorna says, ‘Best friends at school!’ and they’re both smiling and smiling and I am silly that I thinked Paige’s Mummy was actually Rapunzel cos princesses don’t live in houses, they live in castles and palaces and giantnormous towers.

  It’s like a garden inside Paige’s. Everything smells of pretty flowers and there’s red flower pictures all over the walls and there’s a table at the bottom of the stairs that’s got lots of different flowers in pots. It doesn’t look at all like the stairs inside our big outside door.

  Mummy says, ‘Shoes off, Jesika,’ and she bends down to take her own shoes off, and Ryan’s taking his shoes off and I don’t understand cos I can see two doors downstairs and I can see one door at the top of the stairs and there’s maybe more doors upstairs too, and I don’t know which one goes into Paige’s house but you don’t usually take shoes off til you’re inside the house.

  Lorna says, ‘Do you want some help, Jesika?’ and she’s looking at me and smiling and I whisper in Mummy’s ear, ‘Don’t we have to go inside Paige’s house first?’

  Mummy says, ‘We’re in Paige’s house now, poppet. This is all Paige and Lorna’s house,’ and then she stands up and says to Lorna, ‘We live in a flat, and another one before that. I think this might be the first time she’s seen the inside of a house.’

  I say, ‘Cept in books. I’ve seen lots of houses in books, like Tilly’s yellow house.’

  Lorna says, ‘Oh, Paige likes the Tilly books too, don’t you, Paige?’

  Paige peeps out at me and I say, ‘I want to see all round your house, Paige.’

  Mummy says, ‘Shoes off first, Jesika.’

  When my coat and shoes are off, I’m so excited and I grab Paige’s hand and pull her and say, ‘Let’s go and look at all the rooms in your house!’

  But Paige pulls her hand back and hides ahind Lorna again and Lorna says, ‘Go on, Paige,’ and Ryan says, ‘Come on, I’ll come with you,’ and Paige says, ‘NO!’ and then she says, ‘I want Mummy to come with me,’ and her voice is quiet now and I think only I hear it cos Toby’s shouting cos Mummy won’t let him pick the flowers out of the pot and Lorna’s showing Mummy where she can take Toby to play with some toys so he doesn’t pick the flowers and Ryan’s asking Paige to go with him and she’s holding tight as tight to Lorna’s leg and it’s all so noisy right now.

  ‘PAIGE! Will you let go of my leg!’

  Lorna looks cross and everybody stops making noise, even Toby, and afore anyone can make more noises I say, ‘Lorna, Paige wants you to come with us.’

  I think Lorna’s going to shout again but then she blows out a breath, just like Mummy does, and she smiles and says, ‘Come on, then! Ryan, sort Tina and Toby out in the front room. Sorry, Tina, I’ll be back in a minute.’

  Lorna and Paige go up the stairs first, holding hands, and I follow. At the top there’s four doors and she opens all of them so I can see. One’s the bathroom, so now I know where to go if I need it, and one is Lorna’s bedroom, but she says that’s not for playing in, and one door she can’t hardly even open cos there’s boxes and boxes piled up and that one’s not for playing in too, and the last one is Paige’s bedroom and it’s a proper princess room! The walls are princess pink and the carpet too and she’s got a proper princess bed with a princess curtain, and a special princess mirror-table with pink princess lights all round it. I’m going to tell Mummy that I want a princess bedroom just like this when we get a new house, cept I want mine to be green.

  I say, ‘Your princess bedroom is so pretty, Paige!’

  Paige smiles so big and I’ve never seen her smile that big and she lets go of Lorna’s hand and she says, ‘I’ve even got lots and lots of princess dresses!’ She runs ov
er to her princess mirror and pulls out a pink box and inside are dresses and dresses and dresses!

  Paige says, ‘Do you want to play princesses?’

  I say, ‘Yes, yes, yes!’

  Paige picks up a pink dress and I’m looking if there’s a green one, and there is!

  I say, ‘I’m going to be Princess Jesika!’

  Paige says, ‘No, you have to be Princess Tiana cos that’s Princess Tiana’s dress and I’ve got Princess Roarer’s dress so I’m being Princess Roarer.’

  I say, ‘OK, I’m Princess Tiana.’

  I take off my trousers and pull the dress on and I say, ‘Have you got a sword? Princess Tiana needs a sword so she can fight the baddy pirates.’

  Paige’s dress is all muddled and tangled and she’s trying to make it go the right way out and she says, ‘Princess Tiana doesn’t fight pirates. Only boys do fighting.’

  Paige steps into her dress but she trips on the end and bumps onto her bottom and giggles. I try to help Paige get back up again cept then I bump onto the floor and then we’re both lying on our backs giggling.

  I say, ‘Girls can do fighting too if they’re good-girl pirates fighting baddy pirates.’

  Paige sits up and says, ‘You don’t get girl pirates,’ and I sit up and say, ‘You do!’

  Paige says, ‘Don’t!’

  I say, ‘Do!’

  ‘Don’t!’

  ‘Do!’

  ‘What’s all the bumping and banging, girls?’

  I look to the door and it’s Ryan. Lorna must have sneaked away when I wasn’t watching.

  Ryan says, ‘Ah, two princesses getting ready for the ball,’ and he bends down to fix the back of Paige’s dress together but she rolls away and says, ‘No!’

  Ryan says, ‘OK, I’ll help Princess Jesika get ready,’ and he holds his hand out to me and I take it and he lifts me up onto my feet and fixes the back of my dress, then he picks up two tiaras from the floor and says, ‘Tiaras?’

  I say, ‘Yes, please!’

  He holds one out to Paige and she makes a frowny face and then takes the tiara from Ryan and throws it on the floor.

  Ryan makes a silly frowny face back and I giggle and he puts the other tiara on my head and moves me in front of the mirror-table so I can see myself all dressed up like a princess and he says, ‘Isn’t Jesika a beautiful princess, Paige? She knows how to behave like a princess too,’ and he reaches round my neck and collects up all my hair into a ponytail and then lets it go and strokes it down my back and his fingers are tickly and now I have to wriggle and jump away and I say, ‘Tickly!’

  Ryan says, ‘Ah, well that’s because I’m THE TICKLE MONSTER!’ and he roars like a monster and leaps towards me and tickles and tickles so I can hardly breathe cos there’s too many giggles bursting out of my mouth and then I manage to wriggle away again and he leaps towards Paige but she moves so fast and she slithers under her bed like a snake and Ryan can’t follow her cos he’s too big so he chases me again but I run like a cheetah and then I slither under the bed too.

  Ryan says, ‘Where have my two princesses gone? Where could they be?’

  Paige grabs my hand and squeezes tight and I push my other hand on my mouth to stop my giggles popping out. Ryan’s feet thump around the bedroom and my heart is thump-thump-thumping too and my nose is tickling and I’m screwing my eyes up tight like I’m scared, but I’m not really scared, just pretend scared. All Ryan’s looking is making more giggles inside me and they keep just popping out and Paige is squeezing me tight as tight …

  ‘OW! Paige, you’re hurting me!’

  Now Ryan is kneeling down and looking under the bed and he shouts, ‘Found you, Princess Jesika!’ and I crawl out from under the bed and I’m still giggling and then he shouts, ‘And found you too, Princess Paige!’ and Paige crawls out too.

  Ryan says, ‘Who wants to play again?’

  I shout, ‘Me! Me! Me!’ and Ryan says it’s my turn to do the finding cos he found me first and he says, ‘Do you know how to count, Jesika?’ and I say, ‘I know lots of numbers all the way to a-hundred-thousand-a-hundred.’

  Ryan says, ‘Hmmm. I think I’ll give you something to help,’ and he pulls his phone out of his pocket and presses some buttons and then puts the phone on the mirror-table and he says, ‘Wait until my phone beeps, then you can find us. Do not come until the phone beeps, OK? Because that would be cheating.’ His face is frowny, but not silly frowny, and he says, ‘What do you have to wait for?’

  I say, ‘Til the phone beeps.’

  Ryan says, ‘Good.’ Then he smiles again and says, ‘And don’t forget to shout that you’re coming to get us! Do you know what to say?’

  I shout, ‘COMING READY OR NOT!’

  Ryan smiles even more big and says, ‘Perfect,’ and then he’s holding Paige’s hand and pulling her out of the room and he’s pulling the door closed but just afore it closes I hear him say, ‘Let’s hide downstairs, Paige.’ The door clicks shut and I hug my arms around myself and giggle cos now I know where to go and find them when Ryan’s phone beeps.

  I sit on Paige’s bed and wait and wait and then I’m wondering what it’s like to lie on Paige’s bed inside the princess curtains and I push them to one side and crawl inside and lie down. Paige’s covers are super soft and so snuggly. I pretend I really am a proper princess like Rapunzel trapped at the top of the tower cos it’s so quiet, just like the top of a tower would be.

  I’m lying on Paige’s bed and then all the colours in Paige’s room change, like someone has turned a light on. I sit up and push the curtains to the side and look out and it’s not the light in the room, it’s light from the sun outside and it’s coming into Paige’s room much more bright than afore and now Paige’s room is filled with tiny, sparkly dots in the air, like fairies. I climb off Paige’s bed and the fairies are floating in the air all around me and there’s so many of them. I don’t think I could even count up that far!

  Oh! I’m apposed to be counting for hide and seek! I forgotted all about that! I count as quickly as I can, ‘One-two-three-four-five-six-eight-nine-ten-leven-sixteen-eighteen-tenty!’ and then run to the door and open it and stand at the top of the stairs and I can feel the giggles bubbling in my belly again cos I know they’ve hided downstairs and I’m going to really surprise them when I find them.

  I creep down the stairs and I can hear all the quiet house-creaking noises and ticking and humming and I can hear Toby’s voice and then Mummy’s and I know which door they’re ahind cos I saw Ryan showing them the room and I think maybe Ryan and Paige are hided in there too. I jump off the bottom stair and tiptoe to the door and it’s not proply closed and I listen and listen for Paige and Ryan’s voices but I can only hear Mummy talking and she says, ‘We were trying to keep it together for Jesika, but getting pregnant again, I think it was too much. His heart was somewhere else. In Poland.’

  Mummy laughs, short and spiky, and I know who she’s talking about. She’s talking about Daddy cos Daddy had to take his heart to Poland, but I don’t know why. Maybe his heart got broken and he took it to get it fixed and he’ll come back when it’s all better. Maybe Bab-bab should have took her heart to Poland too and then her heart wouldn’t have stopped working. She said that her heart was broken lots and lots after Daddy went away so why didn’t she take it somewhere else to fix it like Daddy did?

  There’s a bump above my head and I look up and it remembers me that ceilings can also be floors like in our house and the bump might be something bumping on the floor, but there’s nobody upstairs now so I don’t know what bumped but it remembers me that I have to find Paige and Ryan. I put my hand on the door and Lorna says, ‘But he keeps in touch with the children? Helps out? Sends money?’

  Mummy says, ‘Everything’s been … difficult since Magda died,’ and then nobody speaks and I know Magda is Bab-bab’s real name and I push the door open a teeny-tiny bit so I can peek and I can see Mummy sitting on the yellow squashy sofa and Lorna is rubbing Mummy’s arm like
it’s poorly and Mummy says, ‘We last spoke when Toby was newborn and it didn’t go well. Now he doesn’t even answer texts and I’m … I’m afraid of letting him know how bad things are in case he decides he can do it better. Is that stupid?’

  Lorna says, ‘I moved back here after David died because I felt like my mother-in-law was waiting for me to fail so she could swoop in and do it better, all perfect and calm. So, no, I don’t think you’re stupid.’

  Mummy’s head nods down and back up and then she’s looking straight at me and she says, ‘Oh, Jesika!’ and my heart thumps cos I have to see Paige and Ryan afore they see me so I jump into the room and shout, ‘Found you!’ and I look all around, but I can’t see Paige or Ryan anywhere. Mummy smiles and says, ‘So you have! Are you having fun?’

  I say, ‘I’m looking for Paige and Ryan.’

  I look ahind the squashy yellow sofas and ahind the door. Toby’s got toys out all over the floor and there’s a big telly in the corner but you can’t squeeze ahind it like in our house and there’s nowhere else they could be hiding.

  Lorna says, ‘Paige is always playing hide and seek with Ryan.’

  I say, ‘But where are they?’

  Lorna says, ‘Have you tried under the table in the kitchen?’

  I say, ‘Where’s the kitchen?’

  Lorna points out of the door and says, ‘Right next to this room.’

  I run out and creep up to the next door and I press my ear against it to hear Ryan or Paige but it’s all quiet and I think they are very good at not making any sounds at all. I open the door and take a big breath to shout.

  My shout whispers out of my mouth into the empty kitchen – no one is hiding under the table or ahind the door. I go back to the other room and I say, ‘They’re not there!’

  Lorna says, ‘They must be hiding upstairs, then.’

  I say, ‘But I heard Ryan tell Paige to hide downstairs.’

  Lorna laughs and says, ‘That’s Ryan tricking you, I think.’

  Or maybe Ryan changed his mind?

  I say, ‘I’ll go and check upstairs.’

  Mummy and Lorna wave bye-bye and I run out of the door. Lorna calls after me, ‘And if you find them hiding in my bedroom again, tell that cheeky Uncle Ryan that he’s not allowed to play in there either!’