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by Amanda Berriman

  Me and Paige giggle and then we ROAR! at Kali but she doesn’t run away. She says, ‘Oh, I’m so glad it’s just you two. I was very worried that you might get eaten up.’

  Me and Paige are still giggling and then Kali says, ‘I think Amber and Lucia would like to play in the house now I’ve checked there are no real tigers and it would be lovely if you two could share your game with them.’

  I say, ‘OK,’ and Kali opens the door and Amber and Lucia come into the house. Paige throws down her teacup and runs straight out and I stand up to follow her but Kali says, ‘Actually, Jesika, could you stay here and show Amber and Lucia your game? I’ve got something to do with Paige for a few minutes.’

  Kali closes the door and Amber goes to the bed and picks up the baby even though he’s still sleeping and Lucia sits down at the table and messes up all the plates and cups. I don’t want to play with Amber and Lucia. I want to play with Paige cos she’s my best friend.

  10

  THE PEG ROOM is noisy and full of wet, drippy people and I can’t see Mummy or Toby, just lots of legs, and shoes that make wet, muddy marks on the floor. I’m holding Paige’s hand and she can’t see her Mummy too. Then I hear, ‘Jesika! Over here!’ and I look and look and some of the legs move and now I can see Mummy and she’s standing next to Lorna and they’re both waving and they’ve already lifted our coats and bags off our pegs. I say, ‘Come on, Paige, let’s ask if we can play at your house again.’

  We go forward but Stella squeezes my shoulder spiky-tight, pulling me back and Paige too and she says, ‘Hold on, Jesika, Paige, I want to speak to your Mummies.’ And she says, ‘A quick word, Tina, please,’ and her voice is loud and everyone stops and looks and Stella says, ‘A quick word with you, too, Paige’s Mum.’

  Lorna squeezes through all the legs but Mummy has to wait for some people to leave cos there’s no room for her to squeeze Toby’s buggy through.

  Stella says, ‘You two wait here,’ and she steps back through the door to the playroom with Lorna. Stella talks quiet and Lorna’s face is frowny and Stella gives her a piece of paper and Lorna looks at it and laughs and says, ‘It’s curiosity, isn’t it?’ and Stella says something else so quiet I can’t hear and then Lorna laughs again and says, ‘I’m sure you do, and that’s good, and I’ll have the chat with Paige but I’m not worried.’ She folds the piece of paper up and pushes it into her coat pocket.

  Something bumps against the back of my foot and I turn round and it’s Mummy pushing Toby’s buggy and she says, ‘Sorry, poppet,’ and then Lorna and Stella have come back and Stella says, ‘Tina?’ and she waves her into the playroom and Lorna says, ‘Leave Toby with me, if it’s easier,’ and Mummy leaves Toby and follows Stella in and Lorna says, ‘Let’s get coats on while your Mummy’s having her chat, Jesika.’

  I say, ‘What are they saying?’

  Lorna snorts like a pig and says, ‘Something and nothing.’

  I don’t know what that means, but when I ask, Lorna just says, ‘Come on, coats on.’

  I’ve just got my coat zipped right up and Mummy comes rushing out of the room and her mouth is small and her eyes are zapping.

  Lorna says, ‘Don’t worry about it, Tina.’

  Mummy says, ‘Can we just get out of here first?’ so we all go rushing outside and it’s raining hard and the rain is bouncing off my hood and Toby’s rain cover and the pavement and we have to run fast and fast along the road and we don’t stop til we get to a bus shelter and Mummy says, ‘In here, Jesika,’ and there’s no one waiting in the shelter and I say, ‘Are we getting a bus again?’ but Mummy says, ‘No, we’re just getting out of the rain for a minute,’ and she’s coughing and coughing and I say, ‘And it’s so you can have a rest too, isn’t it?’ but Mummy’s too busy coughing to answer me and then she’s too busy pulling back the rain cover and giving Toby his milk to drink cos he’s coughing too.

  Lorna and Paige squash up next to us and we’re all dripping rain and it’s making lots of tiny rivers on the floor of the shelter and on the roof the rain is stomping and it’s like we’re in the climbing frame hidey-hole again and lots of children are running around above us, cept I don’t think anyone could climb on top of the bus shelter cos it’s so high up and there’s no ladder.

  Lorna puts a hand on Mummy’s shoulder and says, ‘Don’t worry about it, honestly.’

  Mummy coughs and then says, ‘But where did she get the idea?’

  Lorna says, ‘It’s just normal curiosity, nothing else.’

  I say, ‘What are you saying, Mummy?’

  Lorna pulls the folded paper out of her pocket and unfolds it and says, ‘Did she give you one of these?’

  Mummy pulls the same piece of paper out from her pocket and unfolds it and it’s got a picture of a washing line with lots of pants pegged onto it and she says, ‘Snap.’

  I say, ‘What’s that, Mummy?’

  Lorna says, ‘It’s dealing with grief I need help with, not this. This isn’t exactly rocket science, is it?’ She screws the piece of paper up, steps out of the shelter and throws it in the rubbish bin.

  Mummy’s still holding hers and I say, ‘Can I see it, Mummy? What is it?’

  Mummy says, ‘Later, Jesika,’ and she folds it up and puts it back in her pocket.

  The rain gets even more noisy and then nobody can even speak cos even shouting isn’t loud enough. Paige pushes up against me like she’s cuddling and holds my hand. I think she maybe doesn’t like the noisy rain.

  Suddenly, the noise stops.

  I say, ‘Somebody’s switched the rain off!’

  Mummy and Lorna laugh and then Mummy and Lorna are both talking at the same time about getting home quick afore the rain starts again.

  Paige says, ‘But I want to play with Jesika!’

  Lorna says to Mummy, ‘You’d be very welcome,’ and I say, ‘Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!’ but Mummy says, ‘Oh, Toby!’ and I look and he’s sicked up all his milk down his front and now we can’t do playing cos we have to go straight home so Mummy can clean him up and Lorna says, ‘Maybe tomorrow?’ and I say, ‘They could come to our house to play,’ and Mummy says, ‘No. No, I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ and I say, ‘Why not?’ and Mummy says, ‘Our flat isn’t …’ and Lorna says, ‘Tomorrow’s fine, at the park or at ours, depending on the weather,’ and then she’s telling Paige it’s time to go and Paige is crying cos she wants to play with me and I want to play with her too but now Toby’s coughed and sicked up even more milk and now we really have to go home cos Mummy’s got a lot of cleaning up to do. Lorna and Paige walk away and Paige keeps turning her head to look back at me and I shout, ‘I’ll play with you tomorrow, Paige!’ and I wave and wave til I can’t see Paige and Lorna any more.

  Mummy’s still wiping and wiping Toby’s clothes and she’s used lots and lots of wipes. She gives me the packet and says, ‘Put these under the buggy, poppet,’ and she throws all the smelly, dirty wipes in the bin.

  There’s not much space under the buggy cos there’s all Mummy’s shopping and Toby’s bag and my bag and there’s a little bag that’s made of paper and it’s got red stripes and there’s something poking out of it and … oh, it’s a gingerbread man! We maked them at preschool one time and Tamanna read the gingerbread man story and at snack-time I pretended I was the fox biting off the gingerbread man’s head and it was yummy! I say, ‘Mummy, why is there a gingerbread man under the buggy?’ and I pull the paper bag out and look inside proply and it’s a giantnormous gingerbread man and he’s got tiny black eyes and a red nose and a red mouth and three green sweetie buttons on his front.

  Mummy laughs and says, ‘Trust you to spot that!’

  I say, ‘Who’s it for?’ and I really, really want Mummy to say it’s for me cos gingerbread men are my fayvrit and then she says it is for me and I’m dancing and dancing with the gingerbread man in the paper bag and Mummy takes it off me and puts it back under the buggy cos she says I might break it and that would be a shame and she says I have t
o wait til after tea-time to eat it and that’s ages but Mummy says if we walk home quickly, it won’t be long at all afore it’s tea-time.

  I make my legs walk fast and fast up the long hill to our house and I’m looking in all the shop windows cos I don’t know where Mummy got the gingerbread man and when we’ve gone past lots of shops and I’ve not seen any gingerbread men at all I say, ‘Which shop did you get it from, Mummy?’ Mummy says, ‘Actually, Ryan bought it for you, so don’t forget to say thank you to him when we see him next.’

  I say, ‘Ryan bought me the gingerbread man?’

  Mummy nods and smiles and says, ‘He took me and Toby to a cafe while you were at preschool and before we left he said he must get something for you, so he picked out the gingerbread man with the green buttons because you like green. Wasn’t that thoughtful of him?’

  I say, ‘I do like green. It’s my fayvrit!’ and then I say, ‘Have I ever been to a cafe?’

  Mummy says, ‘No … I don’t know … Maybe a long time ago with Bab-bab?’

  I say, ‘What do you do at a cafe?’

  ‘You eat and drink and chat.’

  ‘What did you have to eat and drink?’

  ‘A coffee and a slice of cake.’

  ‘And what did you chat about?’

  Mummy laughs. ‘All sorts of things! I used to know Lorna and Ryan a long time ago, so mostly we were remembering things from when we were at school and talking about what we’ve been doing in the years since then.’

  I say, ‘So are Lorna and Ryan our friends?’

  Mummy makes a funny shape with her mouth, all squashed up, and then she says, ‘We were friends a long time ago, so, yes, I suppose we are still friends, but we have to get to know each other all over again.’

  I say, ‘That’s easy. We can go and play lots and lots at Paige’s house cos you said that’s what friends do.’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, I did say that, and it sounds like a lovely idea.’

  I say, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah!’ and I let go of the buggy cos I can see our big front door and I’m allowed to run up the steps by myself and wait for Mummy and I get there fast as fast and I shout, ‘Hurry up, Mummy!’ cos I really want to taste my gingerbread man.

  It’s bedtime but Toby won’t go to sleep cos the boiler that makes hot water for magic-steamy baths isn’t working. There’s a pilot inside the boiler but the pilot’s gone away and even when Mummy whispered, ‘Please, please, please,’ the pilot didn’t come back again. Mummy did try just putting Toby in his cot but he cried and cried and coughed and coughed and now he’s snuggled up atween me and Mummy on the sofa and we’re all wrapped up in the duvet cos the rainy-haters are cold cos it’s the boiler’s job to make them hot too.

  Mummy closes the rabbit book that Toby likes and I say, ‘Tilly next!’ but Mummy doesn’t pick up the Tilly book, she’s got a piece of paper in her hand and it’s the one with all the different coloured pants on it that Lorna throwed in the bin. Mummy looks at me and strokes her thumb round and round on my shoulder and she says, ‘Jesika, do you remember when the banging door woke you up last night?’

  I say, ‘I didn’t wake up last night.’ I pick up the pants picture and I say, ‘Some of these pants are for boys and some are for girls, aren’t they, Mummy?’

  Mummy takes the picture back and says, ‘Remember? When you got out of bed and came through and gave me a cuddle because I was upset?’

  I remember cuddling Mummy but I didn’t wake up cos I wasn’t actually asleep, I was watching Mummy dancing and then there was that man and he … oh!

  I say, ‘That man pulled your hair and hurted you. That was naughty.’ And I remember that Mummy didn’t tell him to stop. Only Next-Door Lady did.

  Mummy reaches over and holds my hand and squeezes it tight and she says, ‘Did you see him … I mean … is that all you saw him doing?’

  I say, ‘Next-Door Lady told him to stop and he talked to her and then she laughed and you banged the door shut and he shouted through the letterhole and he went away.’

  Mummy says, ‘And that’s all you saw?’

  I say, ‘Yes, but Mummy, why didn’t you tell him to stop?’

  Mummy squeezes my hand again and says, ‘I should have, you’re right.’ She presses her lips tight.

  I say, ‘You have to use your Big Voice next time, Mummy, cos then he’ll know he’s being naughty and you don’t like it.’

  Mummy nods and nods but she doesn’t say yes cos her lips are still tight together, and then she presses her hand to her mouth and turns her head away so I can’t see her face at all.

  I pick up the pants picture again. There’s a red pair with stars on and I like them. Maybe I can have some pants with stars on. That remembers me about Paige’s butterfly pants and I say, ‘Mummy, can I have some butterfly pants like Paige’s?’

  Mummy says, ‘We need to talk about Paige’s pants. That’s why I’ve got this,’ and she takes the pants picture back again.

  I say, ‘But Paige’s pants aren’t on there. They’ve got butterflies on them and that’s the ones I want.’

  Mummy says, ‘No, I mean, we need to talk about the underwear rule, about private pants.’

  I say, ‘Private pants?’ and I giggle cos ‘private pants’ sounds funny.

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, private pants,’ and her eyes are telling me not to laugh and to listen and she says, ‘Private means that it’s yours and only yours and it’s not for anyone else to see or touch. So, private pants is to help you remember that your pants and everything under your pants is not for anyone else to see or touch. Do you know what I mean when I say everything under your pants?’

  I say, ‘My bottom!’ and then I giggle again cos bottoms are funny too and then I look at Toby and I say, ‘Bum-bum! Bum-bum!’ cos Toby always laughs when I say it but he doesn’t laugh tonight. He’s not even proply looking at me. He looks sad.

  Mummy says, ‘Do you understand, Jesika?’ but I’m looking at Toby and I say, ‘Why is Toby sad?’

  Mummy says, ‘He’s still feeling a bit poorly, that’s all,’ and she leans down and kisses the top of his head. Then she says, ‘Jesika, private pants means your pants and everything under your pants is just for you and no one else. Do you understand that?’

  I think for a bit and then I say, ‘But you and Toby always see my pants and my bottom!’

  Mummy’s face is frowny and she says, ‘Yes, we do. But only when you’re getting dressed or on the toilet or in the bath and that’s OK because we live in the same house as you. But you always wipe your own bottom and dry your own bottom because those bits are private, just for you.’

  I giggle cos Mummy said bottom lots of times and I say, ‘My private bottom!’

  Mummy says, ‘Exactly.’ And then she says, ‘So, today at preschool, Stella says you were touching Paige under her pants and it’s not OK to do that because that’s Paige’s private pants and it’s just for her.’

  I say, ‘But Paige did it. It wasn’t me.’

  Mummy says, ‘Paige touched you?’

  I say, ‘No, Paige maked me touch her,’ cos she did. She grabbed my hand and pushed it down into her pants and I didn’t even want to do that and that remembers me that I didn’t say stop, just like Mummy didn’t, and I say, ‘I should have used my Big Voice.’

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika, Paige can’t make you touch her. Only you decide where your hands go.’

  Toby coughs and coughs and then cries and Mummy picks him up and lays him against her front and rubs his back.

  I say, ‘But she did, Mummy. She maked my hand go there.’

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika, I don’t think …’ and then Toby coughs and coughs and sicks milk all down Mummy’s front and Mummy says, ‘Oh, Toby, not again!’ and then she says, ‘Just tell Paige next time that pants are private, OK?’

  I say, ‘PANTS ARE PRIVATE!’ in my Big Voice and Mummy says, ‘Yes, just like that,’ and then Toby is sick again and we all have to get up quick so the sicky milk doesn’t go on the duvet an
d Mummy says, ‘Jesika, go and jump into bed. I’ll come through in a minute,’ and she rushes Toby into the bathroom to get all cleaned up.

  I look at the duvet on the floor and I think Mummy is so silly sometimes cos I can’t go to bed with nothing to cover me up. I try to pull the duvet along the floor to the bedroom but it’s heavy and draggy and it keeps getting stuck on things like the sofa and the table and the bedroom door and it’s so shivery-cold so I lay down on the duvet and try to roll myself up like a sausage, but it’s a bit of a tangly sausage. I flop back on the floor and pull the duvet on top of me. The thump-da-thump-da-thump music tickles my cheek.

  Mummy comes back out of the bathroom with Toby and he’s only got his nappy on and he’s crying and crying, probly cos he’s shivery-cold too, and Mummy says, ‘Jesika! Go to bed! Why are you messing with the duvet?’

  I say, ‘It won’t go back on the bed.’

  Mummy says, ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake!’ and she puts Toby down on the floor and pulls the duvet off me and it’s cold, cold, cold! She carries it into the bedroom and I jump up to chase after her and then fall over Toby cos he’s crawled right in front of me and he cries and cries and Mummy rushes back out of the bedroom and she says, ‘Careful, Jesika!’ but it wasn’t my fault! She picks Toby up again and she’s bouncing him up and down and she says, ‘Into bed, Jesika,’ and I go into the bedroom and get into bed and wriggle under the duvet but then I remember that Mummy didn’t read me my Tilly book and I say, ‘You didn’t read my story!’

  Mummy says, ‘I can’t tonight, poppet, not when Toby’s like this.’

  But that’s not fair cos Mummy read Toby’s book but she didn’t read mine and I say, ‘I want my story!’ and now Toby and me are both crying and Mummy needs to put Toby down cos it’s my turn to have a cuddle but Mummy says, ‘Don’t start, Jesika!’ and she’s not putting Toby down and she’s not cuddling me and she says, ‘We’ll read your story tomorrow, I promise. Now, please help me and go to sleep so I can sort Toby out.’

  She bends over and kisses my head and Toby’s hand bashes my head and I say, ‘Ow! Toby hitted me!’ and Mummy says, ‘Oh, Jesika, he hardly touched you. Go to sleep, poppet. Sweet dreams.’