I say, ‘Who?’
Mummy says, ‘Nandini came first because …’ She stops and breathes and breathes and then she says, ‘Did you know Emma saw you coming out of the ambulance?’
I forgotted about that! I say, ‘I saw Emma too! She was in another ambulance. Is she a Green Lady like the one that drived our ambulance?’
Mummy says, ‘Yes, she’s a paramedic.’ She stops again and breathes and breathes. ‘Emma told Nandini and Nandini came to visit and she brought me books and a fruit basket from Ade and chocolates from Leon.’ She breathes and breathes again.
I say, ‘That’s so kind, isn’t it, Mummy?’
Mummy says, ‘Yes, it is. It’s very kind.’ She strokes my hair and smiles and says, ‘We have very kind friends, don’t we?’
I frown and say, ‘No, Mummy, you said they’re kind people but they’re not our friends.’
Mummy smiles and says, ‘I think I might have got that wrong. They’ve all been more than just kind. Nandini stayed with me for ages yesterday and we had such a lovely chat. She didn’t even go when visiting time finished. The nurse got quite cross with us!’
I say, ‘So Nandini and Emma and Ade and Leon are our friends now?’
Mummy nods and smiles and I smile and smile too cos I like Nandini and Emma and Ade and Leon being our friends.
Mummy says, ‘And Ryan visited too, and he even visited Toby for me.’
Toby! I look all around for Toby’s cot but it’s not there and I say, ‘Where does Toby sleep?’
Mummy says, ‘He’s in a different room.’ She breathes and breathes. ‘With the other poorly children.’
I say, ‘Where is his room? Can we go there? I want to see him.’
Mummy presses her lips tight and shakes her head. She says, ‘Not today, poppet.’
I say, ‘Why not? Why can’t I see him? I want to see him.’ My foot stamps and my eyes sting and I want to say it’s not fair but my voice hurts and I can’t make it speak.
Then Delphine’s there right next to me and Duncan’s there too and Delphine says, ‘Your little brother needs lots of rest, Jesika. He’s doing really well but it’s best to let him do lots of sleeping for now and then he’ll get home to you all a lot quicker.’
I frown at Delphine but I do want Toby to get better quick. Mummy pats the bed and says, ‘Climb up here, Jesika, so I can cuddle you properly,’ so I climb up and I curl up against Mummy’s side and she puts her arm around me and it’s the best cuddle ever.
Delphine says, ‘Tina, this is Duncan.’
Duncan holds out his hand like he’s going to shake it with Mummy but Mummy’s cuddling me so he waves his hand instead and says, ‘Hi, Tina, it’s nice to meet you.’
Mummy says, ‘What about … didn’t you say …?’
Delphine says, ‘Jane? Yes, I’m afraid she couldn’t come with Duncan. They’re also fostering a boy, Liam, at the moment and they have a meeting at his school today that couldn’t be rearranged.’
Delphine and Duncan sit down on chairs. I turn my head so I can tell Mummy all about Liam and the bird table and the trampoline but then a man walks over to the bed and he’s holding a white cup and I know this man. It’s Ryan! I say, ‘Have you come to visit Mummy, Ryan?’
Ryan sits down on a chair on the other side of the bed from Delphine and Duncan and his face isn’t smiley and he sips from his cup and he says, ‘And to check you’re being looked after properly, Jesika.’
Mummy’s arm squeezes tight on my shoulders and she says, ‘Ryan …’
Delphine says, ‘And that’s what this meeting is for. To reassure you, Tina, that Jesika is safe and well looked after while you’re in hospital. Duncan’s here to answer any questions you have.’
Mummy’s arm lets go a bit. Ryan is frowning at Duncan and then he says, ‘Where’s the other foster carer?’ He looks at Mummy. ‘Didn’t you say she was with a couple, Tina?’
Mummy says, ‘Yes, she is. Jane’s … the other … she’s not …’ and then Mummy stops and breathes and breathes and she says, ‘Sorry … I’m so tired.’
Duncan looks at Ryan and says, ‘My wife, Jane, wasn’t able to join us as she’s at a meeting for our other foster child.’ Then he looks at Tina and says, ‘She says you can phone her any time you need to if you want to ask her anything or just speak to her. I’m going to leave our number with you today.’
Ryan’s still frowning. He says, ‘Who’s this other child?’
I say, ‘He’s called Liam and he likes birds and sometimes he’s scary and sometimes he’s fun and he showed me how to bounce on my bottom on the trampoline.’
Duncan says, ‘I did tell him that I thought Jesika was a little too young for the trampoline but …’
Ryan says, ‘How old is he?’
I say, ‘He’s a big, big boy,’ and at the same time, Duncan says, ‘He’s thirteen.’
Ryan says, ‘So you’re looking after a four-year-old and a thirteen-year-old? How does that work? Is that the best environment for Jesika?’
Mummy says, ‘Ryan, I’m sure …’ and then she stops and I twist my head and look at her and her eyes are closed and then they open again and she says quiet, ‘They’re foster carers. It’s what they do.’
Ryan says, ‘I’m just making sure we ask the right questions.’
I cuddle into Mummy and even though Mummy doesn’t smell right, my head fits just right and I close my eyes and pretend I’m cuddling up with Mummy on our sofa at home. I can hear everyone’s voices talking around me and other noises: squeaks and clicks and beeps and swishes and voices far, far away talking and talking and talking …
‘Lorna thinks it would be great for Paige and for Jesika.’
I open my eyes and sit up and say, ‘What would be great for Paige and me?’
Ryan smiles and says, ‘If you came to stay with Lorna and Paige until your Mummy is better. That would be fun, wouldn’t it?’
Mummy says, ‘Ryan …’ and I look at her and her face is frowny and she’s biting on her lip.
I say, ‘But Duncan and Jane are looking after me.’
Delphine says, ‘Of course, it’s up to you, Tina, but we do need to think about what will be least unsettling for Jesika.’
Ryan says, ‘No offence, but by the sounds of it, they’re also coping with a challenging thirteen-year-old.’
Duncan says, ‘I wouldn’t call him challenging …’
Ryan turns to Mummy and says, ‘Tina, Jesika would have Lorna, she’d have Paige, she could go to preschool. I’d obviously help whenever Lorna’s working. It makes sense.’
Is Ryan saying I’m going to stay with Paige now? Mummy breathes and breathes and her face is still frowny and she shakes her head. She says, ‘Ryan, you know I appreciate it but Lorna’s already dealing with a lot.’
Ryan says, ‘And this would be a great distraction for Paige and for Lorna. She said this morning how great it is to be back in touch with you and how you’re the first person in a long time who she’d completely trust with Paige. Aside from me, obviously.’ He laughs and Mummy smiles a tiny smile.
Delphine holds her hands up so I can see the insides and she says, ‘Ultimately, Tina, it’s your decision,’ and I didn’t notice afore but the insides of Delphine’s hands are a different colour from the rest of her skin, just like Kali’s. Not like mine though. I turn my hands both ways up and it’s the same colour on both sides. Why do some people have two colours on their hands?
I turn to ask Mummy but her head is right back on her pillow and her eyes are closed. I think she’s still feeling poorly. I snuggle in tight and whisper, ‘I love you, Mummy,’ right in her ear and that makes her eyes open again and she says, ‘Can I talk it over with Jesika, please?’
Delphine and Duncan stand up and Duncan says, ‘Of course, of course,’ and Delphine says, ‘We’ll be outside.’ Then Mummy looks at Ryan and he’s still sitting and she says, ‘Give me five minutes, Ryan,’ and Ryan stands up too and says, ‘Of course, yes.’ And then he’s gone to
o and it’s just me and Mummy.
I say, ‘When can I go and see Toby?’
‘When he’s better, poppet.’
‘But I want to see him now.’
‘I do, too.’
I twist and look at Mummy’s face. ‘Can’t you just go and see him when you want to?’
Mummy says, ‘I’m not allowed to,’ she presses her lips tight and breathes and breathes, ‘until I’m all better.’ Then she reaches over the top of my head and she’s holding her phone and she says, ‘But look what Ryan did for us,’ and she slides and taps her thumb on the phone and there’s a picture moving on it and I don’t see what it is straight away and then I hear a voice and it says, ‘Hey, Toby, give us a wave,’ and it’s Toby moving about on the picture! He’s sitting up in a great big cot, much more big than the one at our house, and he’s got lots and lots of toys all round him and he’s just wearing a nappy and the voice says, ‘Are you going to wave, Toby?’ but Toby doesn’t wave. He holds up one of his toys and it’s blue but I don’t know what it is cos the picture’s so small and then he says, ‘MummaMummaMumma,’ and the voice says, ‘Are you saying, “Mummy”? She’s coming very soon,’ and then Toby says ‘MummaMummaMumma’ again and then the picture stops.
I say, ‘Has it broken?’
Mummy says, ‘No, that’s it. It’s finished.’
I say, ‘Can I see it again?’ So Mummy puts it back to the start and I watch it all over again and it’s almost as good as seeing Toby for real, cept I can’t give him a cuddle.
When it finishes another time, Mummy says, ‘Jesika, do you mind staying with Duncan and Jane another night or two?’
I say, ‘I want to stay with you.’
Mummy says, ‘I know that, but until I’m better … are they … do you feel OK staying there? Do you like it?’
I say, ‘Well, I don’t really like it when Liam makes scary faces and Duncan doesn’t let me do things that you let me do and Jane is cross with me but I like the birds and the trampoline and they have a room that’s just for watching telly and the telly is stuck to the wall and it’s this big!’ And I put my arms as wide as I can stretch them out cos that always makes Mummy laugh.
Mummy doesn’t laugh. She says, ‘Why is Jane cross with you?’
I say, ‘Oh,’ cos I forgotted that Mummy didn’t know and now she’s going to be cross with me too.
Mummy says, ‘Jesika, can you tell me?’ and her voice isn’t a cross one and I look up and her eyes aren’t cross eyes either.
I whisper, ‘Cos I bited her.’
Mummy says, ‘Why did you bite her, poppet?’
I think about the day I bited Jane and I remember biting but I don’t remember what happened first. I say, ‘I’ve forgotted.’
Mummy’s head lies back on her pillow and she closes her eyes and then opens them and she says, ‘OK, so if you don’t stay with Duncan and Jane …’ She stops and breathes and breathes. ‘Nandini and Emma offered, and now Lorna has too. I don’t know.’ She frowns.
I say, ‘What did Nandini and Emma say?’
Mummy says, ‘They said they would look after you if I needed it.’
I say, ‘At Lorna’s house?’
Mummy smiles and says, ‘No, either Nandini and Emma look after you at their house, or Lorna looks after you at her house with Paige.’
I say, ‘Oh.’ And I’m thinking about this and I like Nandini but I don’t really know what Nandini and Emma’s house is like cept there’s a lot of washing machines in it. I know what Paige’s house is like and it’s got lots and lots of toys.
I say, ‘Do Nandini and Emma have toys at their house?’
Mummy says, ‘Oh, I don’t really know.’
I say, ‘I want to stay with Paige.’
Mummy says, ‘Do you like it at their house?’
I say, ‘Yes! Paige has lots of toys and we play good games.’
Mummy says, ‘Would you like to sleep there? Until I’m better?’
I think about Paige’s house and all her toys and her dressing-up costumes and her princess bedroom and I say, ‘Will I sleep in Paige’s princess bedroom with Paige?’
Mummy says, ‘Yes, I think so.’
‘And you’ll come and get me and take me home when you’re better?’
‘Of course!’
I’m so excited cos I’ve never sleeped in a princess bedroom afore and I say, ‘Can I sleep in Paige’s bedroom, please, Mummy?’
Mummy smiles a little smile and says, ‘Is that where you want to stay until I’m better?’
I smile and smile and say, ‘Yes, yes, yes!’
Mummy says, ‘Are you sure? That’s definitely what you want to do?’
I say, ‘YES! YES! YES!’
Mummy taps her thumbs on her phone lots of times and then her head falls back on her pillow again and she breathes and breathes and says, ‘OK, decision made,’ and her voice is only a whisper.
Delphine and Duncan and Ryan all come back after that and everyone’s talking and Ryan puts his thumbs up at me, but I’m not sure why, and then there’s more talking but Mummy looks like she just wants to go to sleep cos she keeps closing her eyes and breathing slow and slow and then Delphine stands up and says, ‘I’m so sorry but I have to dash to another meeting now,’ and she touches my shoulder and says, ‘Whenever I see dolphins or meerkats, I’m going to remember you, Jesika,’ and she smiles and waves and she’s gone.
Next Duncan stands up and he says, ‘It really was lovely having you to stay, Jesika.’ He gives my bag to Ryan and he says, ‘That’s all her things. Luckily, Jane told me to bring it just in case, because we weren’t sure what was happening.’
I say, ‘Just in case you want to see my new socks and pants, Mummy.’
Mummy says, ‘That’s nice, Jesika,’ but I don’t think she really heard me proply and her eyes are still closed.
Duncan says, ‘I’ll tell Jane and Liam bye-bye for you, Jesika,’ and he waves and he’s gone too. Does he mean I won’t see Jane and Liam again? I liked bouncing on the trampoline with Liam.
Now it’s just me and Mummy and Ryan. Mummy’s lying back on her pillows again and she’s very quiet and still like she’s asleep but she’s not asleep cos one of her hands is stroking my hair.
Ryan says, ‘We should probably go too and then I can get Jesika back to Lorna’s in time for lunch and she can go to preschool this afternoon with Paige.’
I say, ‘I can go to preschool?’ cos I’ve not been to preschool for ages and Duncan didn’t let me go to preschool and it’s so exciting to go again.
Mummy smiles and opens her eyes and says, ‘Good idea,’ and then she says, ‘Ryan, thank you. You and Lorna …’
Ryan says, ‘Don’t mention it.’
He bends down and picks up my bag and my new coat and Para-Ted and I slide off the bed and I’m looking at Mummy and she’s got her eyes closed and I think she might be asleep this time and I say, ‘Can Mummy take me to preschool?’
Mummy opens her eyes and reaches out for my hand and says, ‘Not today, darling, I’ve got to stay in hospital a bit longer. Ryan or Lorna will take you and then you’ll go home to Lorna’s house after with Paige. OK?’
I want to go to preschool with Paige and I want to play at Paige’s house and I want to sleep in Paige’s princess bedroom but I don’t want to leave Mummy here in hopsipal. I think and I think and I say, ‘I’m going to stay here with you, Mummy. I can go to Paige’s house another day.’
Mummy squeezes my hand and says, ‘It’s OK to leave me, Jesika.’ She breathes and breathes and presses her lips tight.
Ryan says, ‘Tina, she’ll be fine. Lorna will look after her like she’s her own.’ And he smiles at me and says, ‘It’ll be like having another Mummy for a day or two!’
I don’t want another Mummy. I want my Mummy. What if Mummy thinks that Lorna has to be my Mummy all the time?
My eyes feel stingy and Mummy looks all fuzzy and I blink and blink and blink til I can see her proply again and Mummy sque
ezes my hand, but only once, not one, two, three for ‘I love you’, and then she lets go and I say, ‘Mummy?’ and Ryan crouches down next to me and he holds my other hand atween both his hands and they’re soft and gentle.
He says, ‘Your Mummy needs to rest and sleep if she’s going to get better quickly, so we need to let her do that.’ And I look at Mummy and her eyes are closed like she’s sleeping and Ryan says, ‘And Paige will be so excited to see you, especially when we tell her you’re coming for a sleepover!’ And he says the last bit in a really excited voice and it remembers me that I am excited about preschool and sleeping at Paige’s house but I feel sad too cos I want Mummy to be there and I want Toby to be there.
I say, ‘Mummy, can I see Toby’s video one more time?’ and Mummy’s eyes stay closed but her hand strokes my hair and my face and she says, ‘Mmm,’ and Ryan says, ‘The video’s on my phone too, so you can watch it all the way back to Lorna’s house if you want.’
I say, ‘Can I? Can I watch it lots and lots and lots?’
Ryan laughs and says, ‘As many times as you want. Give your Mum a kiss and then let’s leave her to rest.’
I lean over Mummy and cuddle her tight and kiss her belly and Mummy’s hand strokes my hair and she opens her eyes a tiny bit and moves her lips and her voice whispers but I don’t know what she’s saying and the Big Hurty is squashing and squeezing and Ryan holds my hand and I have to start walking cos he’s pulling me along and Mummy lifts her hand like a wave and so I wave too and we’re almost at the door and I say, ‘Para-Ted! I want Para-Ted!’ and if I run back to get him I can have one more cuddle with Mummy, but Ryan is already holding him and he gives him to me and I hold Para-Ted tight and my eyes are stingy and I blink and blink and I try to look for Mummy one more time but Ryan’s pulled me through the door and the door swishes shut.
17
IT’S A LONG-A-LONG way on the bumpy bus. It remembers me of the day when Toby was on the bumpy bus and all the bouncing maked him stop shouting and fall asleep. I wish I was allowed to see Toby at the hopsipal.
Toby’s video!
I forgotted all about that!
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